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Story of heart, Melbourne (2024)

11/12/2024

A man comes home early in the morning, and his wife immediately confronts him.

"Where did you sleep last night?" she asks suspiciously.

The husband casually replies, "Oh, at a friend's place."

Not entirely convinced, the wife decides to verify his story. She calls 10 of his friends.

To her surprise, six of them confirm, "Yes, he stayed here last night."

The other four? They respond, "He’s still sleeping here!"

11/12/2024

An elderly woman was standing by the railing of a cruise ship, clutching her hat tightly to keep it from blowing away in the strong wind.

A concerned gentleman approached her and politely said, “Excuse me, ma’am. I don’t mean to intrude, but did you realize your dress is being blown up by the wind?”

“Yes, I know,” she replied calmly. “But I need both hands to keep my hat in place.”

The man, looking flustered, exclaimed, “But ma’am, you’re not wearing anything underneath your dress, and… well, you’re exposed!”

The woman glanced down briefly, then looked back up at the man with a sly smile.

“Sir,” she said matter-of-factly, “anything you see down there is 85 years old. This hat, on the other hand, is brand new!”

11/12/2024

Ants vs. Ant Killer
A frantic mother called 911, worried her child had eaten ants.
The dispatcher calmly told her, “Just give him some Benadryl, and he’ll be fine.”
The mother hesitated before admitting, “I already gave him some ant killer.”
The dispatcher, now alarmed, replied, “Rush him to the emergency room immediately!”

11/12/2024

The Case of the Missing Paper
Years ago, we had an intern who wasn’t exactly the sharpest tool in the shed. One day, she turned to a secretary in a panic.
“I’m almost out of typing paper. What should I do?”
“Just grab some from the photocopier,” the secretary replied.
Nodding, the intern grabbed her last blank sheet of paper, placed it on the photocopier, and proceeded to make five blank copies.

11/12/2024

The Remote Control Crisis
I once came across a young woman crying beside her car. Concerned, I asked, “Do you need help?”
Through her tears, she explained, “I knew I should have replaced the battery in my remote! Now I can’t unlock my car.”
“Do you have an alarm system too?” I asked.
“No, just the remote,” she said, handing it—and her keys—to me.
I took the key, inserted it into the lock, and turned it manually.
“Why don’t you drive over there and ask about the battery?” I said, pointing to a nearby store.
She stared at me, stunned. “It’s… a long walk…”

11/12/2024

Credit Card “In”ternet
At work, I saw a coworker inserting her credit card into her floppy drive and quickly pulling it out again.
“What are you doing?” I asked, trying to contain my curiosity.
“Oh, I’m shopping online, and they keep asking for my credit card number. So, I’m using the ATM slot!”

11/12/2024

Checkout Confusion
At Wal-Mart, I was checking out with a few items. The woman behind me put her things on the belt close to mine, so I picked up one of those divider bars to separate our purchases.
The cashier scanned all my items, then picked up the divider, inspecting it for a barcode.
Failing to find one, she asked, “Do you know how much this is?”
Without missing a beat, I replied, “I’ve changed my mind. I don’t think I’ll buy that today.”
She nodded and put the divider aside.

(Meanwhile, the woman behind me was barely holding back her laughter as I walked away.)

11/12/2024

McNugget Math
During a recent visit to McDonald’s, I noticed the menu offered 6, 9, or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
“I’d like a half dozen nuggets,” I told the teenager at the counter.
“We don’t have half dozen nuggets,” she replied.
Confused, I asked, “You don’t?”
“We only have six, nine, or twelve,” she clarified.
“So… I can’t order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?”
“That’s right,” she said confidently.
Shaking my head, I gave in. “Fine. I’ll take six McNuggets.”

(Tragic, but true. And I swear it was the same person I once asked for sweetener, only for her to tell me they didn’t have any—just Splenda and sugar!)

11/12/2024

There’s nothing quite as awkward as a doctor’s receptionist insisting you explain your condition in a room full of strangers. Most of us have been there, and this 65-year-old man’s response was nothing short of legendary.

The man walked into a packed waiting room and approached the reception desk. The receptionist greeted him and asked, "What brings you in to see the doctor today?"

Without missing a beat, he replied loudly, "There’s something wrong with my p***s."

The room went silent, and the receptionist’s face turned red with irritation. "Sir," she said firmly, "this is a public waiting room. You can’t just blurt things like that out. It’s inappropriate! If you have a personal issue, you should say something vague, like you have a problem with your ear, and then discuss the specifics privately with the doctor."

The man raised an eyebrow and shrugged. "You asked what was wrong, and I told you."

Determined to maintain her composure, the receptionist sighed, clearly flustered. "Well, please be more discreet next time."

The man nodded, walked out of the office, and waited a few minutes before returning. This time, he walked up to the desk with a calm demeanor.

The receptionist smiled smugly, thinking she had taught him a lesson. "Welcome back, sir. How can I help you today?"

"There’s something wrong with my ear," he said plainly.

Pleased with his newfound discretion, the receptionist smiled approvingly. "Good. And what seems to be the problem with your ear?"

He leaned in and said loudly enough for everyone to hear, "I can’t p*e out of it."

The entire waiting room burst into laughter, leaving the receptionist red-faced and sp*echless.

Lesson of the day: Don’t mess with seniors. They’ve got nothing to lose and all the wit to win! 😉

11/12/2024

A man stepped out onto the street and flagged down a black taxi just as it was passing by. As he climbed in, the cabbie grinned and said, "Wow, perfect timing. You’re just like Brian!"

The passenger, curious, asked, "Who’s Brian?"

"Brian Sullivan," the cabbie replied, shaking his head in admiration. "He was the guy who always got everything right. Like me showing up the moment you needed a cab—that kind of stuff happened to Brian every single time!"

The passenger chuckled. "Nobody’s life is that perfect. Everyone has their cloudy days."

"Not Brian," the cabbie insisted. "This guy was phenomenal. A world-class athlete. He could have taken the Grand Slam in tennis. He played golf like a pro. He sang like an opera star, danced like he belonged on Broadway, and could play the piano like a maestro. The man was incredible!"

"Wow, he really sounds extraordinary," the passenger said, now fully intrigued.

"Oh, it gets better," the cabbie continued. "Brian had a memory like a computer. He never forgot a birthday, knew all about fine wine, and was an expert on gourmet food and table etiquette. Me? I confuse a soup spoon with a ladle. But Brian? The man could fix anything too. You name it—plumbing, wiring, cars. Unlike me; last time I tried fixing a fuse, I blacked out the whole block!"

The passenger laughed. "This Brian sounds like the kind of guy everyone wishes they could be."

"And that’s not all," the cabbie added. "He always knew the quickest route, never got stuck in traffic. He had charm, class, and style. Treated women like queens, never argued, and always looked like he just stepped out of a fashion magazine. Immaculate clothes, polished shoes—the works. Brian Sullivan never put a foot wrong. He was perfect."

"Unbelievable," the passenger said. "How do you know him?"

The cabbie sighed, his voice dripping with irony. "Oh, I never met Brian Sullivan."

The passenger frowned. "Then how do you know so much about him?"

The cabbie grinned mischievously. "I’m married to his widow." 🤣

11/12/2024

Celebrating 60 years of love and togetherness, their three successful children planned a Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary, Mom and Dad!" said the eldest son as he arrived. "Sorry I’m late. I had an emergency with a patient at the hospital and didn’t have time to get you a gift."

The father smiled warmly. "No gift is needed. The important thing is we’re all here together."

A few moments later, the second son walked in. "Wow, you two look amazing! Happy Anniversary! I just flew in from Montreal between court cases, and I didn’t get a chance to shop for anything."

"Don’t worry about that," the father reassured him. "We’re just happy to see you."

Soon after, their daughter arrived. "Hello, everyone! Happy Anniversary, Mom and Dad! I hate to say it, but I’ve been swamped preparing for a work trip and didn’t have time to pick up a gift."

The father chuckled. "It’s okay, sweetheart. Your presence is what matters most."

After dinner and dessert, the father cleared his throat, a twinkle in his eye. "Your mother and I have something we’ve been meaning to share with you for a long time. You see, when we were young, we were incredibly poor. We worked hard to send all of you to college and support your dreams. But through all those years, even though we loved each other deeply, we never actually found the time to get married."

The room fell silent. The three children stared at their parents, wide-eyed. Finally, one of them blurted out, "Wait, are you saying we’re… illegitimate?"

The father laughed heartily. "That’s right. And not just illegitimate—very affordable, too!"

11/12/2024

Sharing is Caring

A young man at a restaurant couldn't help but notice an elderly couple as they sat down for lunch. What caught his attention was that they had ordered just one meal along with an extra cup.

He watched curiously as the old man began meticulously dividing their food. He carefully cut the hamburger in half and then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until they each had an equal share. Next, he poured half of their drink into the extra cup and placed it in front of his wife.

As the old man started eating, the elderly woman simply sat there, her hands folded neatly in her lap, watching him.

The young man, feeling a mix of curiosity and concern, decided to approach them. “Excuse me,” he said politely, “I couldn’t help but notice that you’re sharing your meal. Would you allow me to buy you another one so you don’t have to split it?”

The old man smiled kindly and shook his head. “Oh, no thank you, young man. We’ve been married for 50 years, and we’ve always shared everything 50-50. It’s just the way we are.”

The young man nodded, touched by their devotion, but his curiosity got the better of him. He turned to the old woman and asked gently, “But ma’am, aren’t you going to eat?”

She gave him a sweet smile and said, “Oh, I will. It’s just… it’s his turn with the teeth.”

10/12/2024

The Cat and the Dryer: A Tale of Nine Lives (and a Tenth)

It all started one fateful afternoon when I decided to help with the laundry—a noble act, or so I thought. Our cat, however, had other plans, and this is how it unfolded.

As my wife busied herself elsewhere, I took charge of the laundry, determined to be the helpful husband. Laundry over the game seemed like a fair trade—clean clothes for missed plays. I was midway through the task, transferring clothes from the washer to the dryer, when the unthinkable happened.

Our cat, curious as ever, seized the moment while my back was turned. Like a furry ninja, she leaped into the dryer, finding it the perfect cozy spot for a nap. Oblivious to her clandestine move, I shut the door and hit the start button.

Moments later, as the dryer began its rhythmic tumble, an unfamiliar sound reached my ears—a faint “meow.” I froze, heart pounding, and realized where it was coming from.

“Oh no!” I shouted, rushing to stop the machine.

Inside was our cat, wide-eyed and thoroughly shaken, spinning no more but clearly dazed from her unexpected rollercoaster ride.

My wife, hearing the commotion, appeared in the doorway. “What on earth is going on?” she asked.

I explained in a panic, pleading my innocence. “The cat jumped in when I wasn’t looking! I swear, it’s not my fault!”

Together, we inspected her. Miraculously, she was unharmed—no injuries, just a slightly glazed look and, ironically, the fluffiest fur she’d ever had.

Once the initial shock passed, my wife couldn’t help but laugh. “Well, she’s definitely clean now!”

The cat, ever resilient, soon recovered, returning to her mischievous ways as though nothing had happened. As for me, I now double-check the dryer before every load.

And that’s how our cat lived through what we now call “The Great Dryer Incident.” She may have nine lives, but I’m convinced she’s on her tenth. Still, she’s fluffy, safe, and very much loved.

10/12/2024

Shirley Goodnest and Marcy

A mother was worried about her young son, Timmy, walking to school on his own. He insisted he didn’t want her walking with him, so she came up with a creative solution.

She asked her neighbor if she could quietly follow Timmy at a distance each morning to make sure he got to school safely. The neighbor, who was already up early with her toddler, agreed and thought it would be a nice way to get some exercise.

The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl began their watchful trek behind Timmy as he walked to school with a friend. They stayed far enough back so he wouldn’t notice. This continued all week.

As Timmy and his friend strolled to school, chatting and kicking stones, his friend began to notice a pattern. She whispered to Timmy, “Have you seen that lady following us every day this week? Do you know her?”

Timmy nodded nonchalantly. “Yeah, I know who she is.”

Curious, the girl asked, “Who is she?”

“That’s Shirley Goodnest,” Timmy replied matter-of-factly, “and her daughter Marcy.”

His friend frowned. “Shirley Goodnest? Who’s that? And why are they following us?”

Timmy shrugged. “Oh, it’s no big deal. Every night, my mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm before bed because she worries about me a lot. And in the Psalm, it says, ‘Surely Goodness and Mercy shall follow me all the days of my life.’ So, I guess I’ll just have to get used to it.”

10/12/2024

The Oldest Thing in the House

One afternoon, my 12-year-old daughter approached me with an innocent request. "Mom, do you have a baby picture of yourself? I need it for a school project."

Without giving it much thought, I handed her one of my cherished baby photos, assuming it was for something sweet or sentimental. I didn’t think to ask about the details of the project.

A few days later, I attended a parent-teacher meeting at her school. As I walked into her classroom, my eyes were drawn to a colorful mural the students had created.

To my surprise—and slight horror—there was my baby picture, front and center, pinned to the display. Above it, in big bold letters, was the title of their project:

"The Oldest Thing in My House."

I’ll never let her borrow a photo again without asking for specifics!

10/12/2024

Just Fred

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer pulled over a Harley that was sp*eding along the highway. As he approached the biker, he decided to start with the basics.

"What’s your name?" the officer asked.

"Fred," the biker replied.

"Fred what?" the officer pressed.

"Just Fred," the man said simply.

The officer, in a relatively good mood, thought he might let the biker off with a warning instead of a ticket. But curiosity got the better of him, so he asked, "Come on now, Fred, everyone’s got a last name. What’s yours?"

The biker sighed. "I used to have a last name, but I lost it."

The officer raised an eyebrow, thinking he was dealing with a character. "Alright, Fred. I’ll bite. How exactly did you lose your last name?"

"Well," Fred began, "it’s a long story, but stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson. Worked hard in school, got good grades. Eventually, I decided I wanted to be a doctor. So, I went to college, medical school, the whole nine yards, and earned my degree. I was Fred Johnson, MD."

The officer nodded, intrigued.

"After a while, being a doctor got a little boring, so I decided to switch careers. I went back to school to become a dentist. Studied hard, got my degree, and became Fred Johnson, MD, DDS."

"Impressive," the officer said, starting to enjoy the tale.

"But then," Fred continued, "things took a turn. I started messing around with my dental assistant, and, well, she gave me VD. So then, I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD."

The officer stifled a laugh, but Fred wasn’t done.

"Then the ADA found out about the VD and revoked my DDS. So now I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. And wouldn’t you know it, the AMA heard about that and took away my MD. So there I was, just Fred Johnson, with VD."

Fred paused dramatically. "And then… the VD took away my Johnson. So now, officer, I’m just Fred."

The officer burst into laughter, tears streaming down his face, and walked back to his car, leaving Fred with nothing but a warning and a story he’d never forget.

10/12/2024

Warning to Ladies of a Certain Age

A friend of mine shared this, and I couldn’t resist passing it along. It’s too “important” not to share.

We’ve all heard the terrifying tales of people abducted and waking up to find their kidneys missing, victims of black-market organ thieves. Well, I have my own harrowing story. It began a few years ago when, overnight, my thighs were stolen!

I went to bed one evening with my perfectly normal thighs, only to wake up the next morning with someone else’s—a pair that had the texture of cooked oatmeal! Whose thighs were these? What happened to mine? I spent that summer searching in vain, eventually resigning myself to a life of jeans.

But the thieves weren’t done. Next, they came for my butt. I could tell it was the same gang—they’d matched my new, sagging butt perfectly to the oatmeal-textured thighs they’d already given me. But they attached it three inches lower than my original one! Goodbye jeans, hello long skirts.

The nightmare didn’t end there. Two years ago, as I brushed my hair, I noticed something horrifying. My upper arms! The flesh swung to and fro, as if mocking me. It was clear: my arms had been replaced too.

Then came the cruelest blow—my neck disappeared, replaced by a turkey neck! This was the last straw. I knew I had to speak out. Ladies, listen carefully: those “plastic” surgeons aren’t just sculpting new body parts—they’re stealing ours! When someone you know gets something “lifted,” take a closer look. Could it be yours?

And just when I thought I’d seen the worst, last year I woke up in a panic. My b***s were gone! I sat bolt upright in bed, frantic. But as I got out of bed, I discovered them—hiding in my armpits. I’ve since trained them to stay tucked neatly into my waistband.

Oh, and it’s not just body parts. The thieves have invaded my closet, too! All my clothes have mysteriously shrunk. How do they even manage that?

Ladies of a certain age, consider this your warning! This is NOT a hoax. This is happening to women everywhere, one body part at a time.

But on a serious note—remember to laugh! It’s the best way to keep your heart light and your wrinkles at bay. Have a wonderful day, and stay vigilant (and joyful)!

P.S. If you see my thighs, send them home, please.

10/12/2024

The Lost Wallet

A man stumbled upon a wallet containing $700 while walking down the street. A few days later, he came across a notice from a wealthy man claiming to have lost his wallet and offering a $50 reward for its return. The man, determined to do the right thing, located the wealthy individual and handed over the wallet.

The wealthy man opened it, counted the money, and frowned. "I see you've already taken your reward," he said accusingly.

Confused, the man replied, "What are you talking about?"

The wealthy man huffed. "This wallet had $750 in it when I lost it. Clearly, you’ve helped yourself to $50."

The man protested vehemently, but the accusation escalated into an argument. Eventually, the two decided to take their case to court.

In the courtroom, the poor man explained how he had found the wallet and returned it out of honesty. The wealthy man then recounted his version, insisting the wallet originally contained $750 and appealing to the Judge's trust. "Your Honor," he said, "I’m sure you believe me."

The Judge nodded thoughtfully. "Of course, I do."

The wealthy man smirked in triumph, while the poor man’s shoulders slumped in defeat. Then, to everyone's surprise, the Judge took the wallet from the wealthy man’s hands and handed it to the poor man.

"What are you doing?" the wealthy man exclaimed, enraged.

The Judge explained calmly, "If you, sir, are an honest man, as you claim, and this wallet indeed had $750 in it when you lost it, then this wallet cannot possibly be yours. The man who found it would never have returned it if he were dishonest. This must belong to someone else entirely. If that person comes forward, they’ll get the wallet and the money. Until then, it stays with the man who found it."

"What about my money?" the wealthy man demanded.

The Judge shrugged. "I suppose we’ll just have to wait until someone finds your wallet—with $750 in it."