The Monsters In My Head

12/01/2025

Aaaarrrrgggghhhh

27/12/2024

25/11/2022

I’ve been good for a long time now, a long time but as I increase my stress levels I can see the little cracks begin to appear.

I work diligently everyday to stay well and it keeps me strong…but those little cracks cause more stress, more anxiety and more uncertainty and then cracks begin to widen.

22/05/2018

I used to despise these meds, I used to hate them so much I’d flush them down the toilet and tell everyone I was taking my meds. Then I cured myself and didn’t need meds anymore, about eight years completely medication free, working my guts out on the mental, emotional, spiritual and physical aspects of my being to “avoid” going back onto meds and it worked brilliantly, until the day that it didn’t.

Luckily I have found the most fantastic Doctor and Psychiatrist and they have been working with me to get the meds just right, minimizing side effects whilst maximus gets therapeutic benefits and it works, it is working.

The meds are a part of my life for now and I’m okay with that, because I have watched them help to save me in conjunction with all of my strategies for self love, wellness and self help and the supplements l have added to the meds I am growing stronger and now working (with my Doctors) toward coming off most, if not all of my meds once more.

I am grateful for this medication and these progressive team of specialists that help me.
Love N

06/05/2018

I might have this thing for life, but there’s no way in hell this thing will have my life.
There is so much we can do to help ourselves, understand our condition and create strategies to allow a full and complete life.
Embracing all of me including the darkness and the monsters, accepting and understanding, forgiving and loving myself, all so important.
I am not broken, I am whole, I am love and I am me.

29/03/2018

Travelled in the car for 10 hours today to country Victoria to visit friends. Friends that are basically family.

They have supported me and my family more than once as we gone through the heartache and pain.

I feel so blessed to have these people in my life and more so, the lives of my family.

These friends that don’t judge and simply love mean the world.

Looking forward to great hugs, conversations and some water time.

25/03/2018

How good is this! This guy went the whole way today despite how much it hurt and how much he wanted it to be over. Thanks to everyone that helped to make it happen and that supported him the whole way around the course. He loved it and especially loved being presented with his gold medal!

19/03/2018

Strategy of mine is to lean into who I am, lean into what I am challenged by everyday of my life and I lean into this diagnosis.

I am me, all the different parts that come together to create the unique and marvelous me.

I value who I am, ALL of who I am.

16/03/2018

I built a fence and as I contemplate the hard work and effort required, I question if it’s to keep something in or rather keep something out?

18/02/2018

The medication saves my life...the medication helps me remain balanced...the medication causes me stress...the medication exacerbated my anxiety...the medication numbs me...the medication slows me down...the medication limits my creativity...the medication affects my intensity...the medication holds me back from my pure potential...the medication saves my life...the medication stops me from laughing...the medications subdues my joy...the medication eases my suffering...the medication increases my pain...the medication saves my life... I yearn to few like me, i yearn to feel...but apparently it saves my life.

I will rise again, like the phoenix from the flames, I will rise once more, that I promise!
Love N

27/01/2018

This is so true.

Something i've had and occasionally continue to have terrible struggles with.

Thank goodness there are ways to overcome and forgive.

Love N

Others may be able to forgive you, but you need to forgive yourself; here’s a start:   #1. Stop taking the blame for having bipolar The first step is to truly, in your heart of hearts, learn to believe it’s not your fault you have bipolar. It’s not a character flaw, there’s nothing you coul...

07/11/2017

is it learned helplessness?
is it mental illness?
is it my own individual patheticness?
i can't tell anymore?
i'm not sure anymore??????
where do i begin or finish and where does the illness start or stop? i'm not sure anymore...the lines are so blurred.
love those who suffer through no fault of their own except that they might love the broken.

23/09/2017

I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry I keep failing at life.
I'm so sorry I let everyone down.
I don't mean it
I cannot go on some days but those little faces break me and hold me, the push me through, more than you could ever know.
I so desperately want to stop, to just fu***ng end this...
But those beautiful little faces, the love they give me that I just don't deserve...completely unconditional.
Children are the epitome of unconditional love, .these beautiful, majestic beings love me even in my darkness.
All I long for is peace, I see it in them.
Hang in there in your struggles, for you are loved.
Hang in my friend, I love you.
For I will love you even when you cannot love yourself.
This thing will not define me, I will survive.
You cannot take me!
I refuse you!!!

13/09/2017

F #*K THIS!

Now I have to take meds again...I know I need them, I know I need help, but they suck!

Eight years I went...doing it on my own, unassisted by pharmaceuticals, I ran out of energy, strength, where did I go wrong, what didn't work, I'm starting over...again.

I miss my friends, I miss laughing, I miss the richness of life, it's so hard through the fog and the haze.

I am so angry that I can't manage, so disappointed that I wasn't stronger, that I'm not stronger.

Do you know how hard it is to go to work each day drugged and hungover, pretending to be awesome and feeling like crap.

This is so many people's reality...so many of us have s**t we deal with and we're expected to mask it, hide in plain sight so everyone around us feels comfortable.

Why do my friends run to the hills when I'm not well? I know it's because they don't know what to say, they're sick of it, he's doing "that" again...who wants to be around a sad depressed drugged out husk of a human or they are just scared?

There are beautiful people all around you fighting battles, fighting horrendous battles and they just want to know it's going to be okay...that they're still worth it.

Ask someone if they are okay...hear them. Thank you to those that ask, I appreciate it, I appreciate you.

And the people that care for those with these illnesses and conditions, check that they're okay too because f**k it's hard on them too.

The drugs are kicking in now, I'm mellowing and growing heavy again, until tomorrow...

Love N

13/09/2017

F #*K this!

25/08/2017

Carrie sums it up very well.

It's interesting how family, friends and strangers don't really take this illness seriously and / or are ashamed and embarrassed by it. i am finding myself also not taking it seriously, i find i'm dismissive and nonchalant about it, too embarrassed to make a fuss.

Recognized everywhere as Princess Leia and respected as a prolific author, the late Carrie Fisher was a true heroine for rebelling against the stigma of bipolar disorder. She was also instrumental in the launching of bp Magazine, gracing three covers since 2004. Here is just a sampling of wise words...

23/08/2017

So i tried again and walked in today and despite what part of my brain was telling me, i don't think anybody knew there was a medicated crazy in their midst!

Thank you to my two friends who made me feel welcome and relaxed, as well as all the new faces.

The only things i can focus on when in the throws of the WOD is breathing, technique and keep going...it is a metaphor for the battle that so many undertake each day with mental illness. In that moment we focus on surviving, techniques, breathing, one more moment after one more moment...just like the workout.

The workout though is a reprieve, it's like a meditation or a distraction, something that takes all of my focus, it hurts, which reminds me i can feel...there was a time i enjoyed the pain i would push myself at times, so hard it was torture, a way of punishing myself. Now it is almost a serene and blissful experience, i need only do what i need to do for me.

I switch off

I disengage from the torment

Thank you to my two friends and everyone else i met today, see you again tomorrow.

Love N