Bhugi Chugi

25/04/2024

Life Sucks... And Then You Die!

16/12/2023

It's been a long day without you, my friend.

I'll tell you all about it when I see you again.

02/10/2023

The Ashiq-in-need
needs
no one, no more.

26/09/2023

24/09/2023

Hoping to go to sleep and not wake up. In case I don't, do let her know I loved her.

I hope this post reaches each one of you, as it's not just an ordinary message, but a confession of the deepest pain that has been weighing on my heart for far too long.

I find it hard to admit, but I have felt like nothing but a failure in so many aspects of my life.

I couldn't save my mother when I was just twelve years old because I didn't have the strength to push my family hard enough to get her to the hospital in time. The guilt from that moment has haunted me throughout my life.

I failed as a son to my father, unable to provide for him as I wished and falling short of the standards he set for me.

I failed as a brother because I couldn't live up to the ideals that would have made my siblings proud of me.

To my mother's side of the family, I failed as a nephew, struggling to match their expectations and status.

I also failed on my dad's side, for judging them against arbitrary standards rather than embracing them for who they truly are.

I failed as a friend, not maintaining regular contact and not being there when my friends needed me the most.

In the workplace, I failed time and time again, allowing my emotions to dictate my actions and preventing me from becoming the person I needed to be.

I even failed as a colleague, as my attempts to stand up for others often led to more trouble.

As a boyfriend, I couldn't be the right person at the right time.

But perhaps my biggest failure of all was to the love of my life, the woman I chose to marry. The woman I promised never to give a reason to cry. I couldn't provide her with the happiness and emotional support she deserved. I failed to protect her when she needed it most, to create a safe and peaceful environment for her, and to be the loving husband she needed. Most importantly, I couldn't be the person she truly deserved in her life. Please know that I loved her from the bottom of my heart and that I am profoundly sorry for not being the man she needed.

To all of you, I've often placed blame for not meeting my expectations. But I've come to realize that I am the problem. I hope this marks the last time I'll be a source of trouble for any of you. I hope that my intentions will be realized, and I can finally find peace.

I know some may call me a coward or say this isn't the way. Some may think that if I had just tried a bit harder and a bit longer, things might have improved. There may be those who believe that, according to our religion, I will face eternal punishment. But in my mind, suffering alone might be better than continuing to cause pain to those I love until they choose to leave. I've given and given until there is nothing left to give. I truly have nothing more to offer. I believe I've done my part in affecting the lives of those around me, and it's time for this cycle to end.

I am deeply sorry to each and every one of you. I hope that today marks the end of my troubles and that I won't cause any more pain for any of you.

Finally, to the love of my life, my wife, the woman for whom I prayed to Allah and asked for a sign from him when we first met, know that I tried, even though it may not seem that way.

22/09/2023

If you can't love someone at their worst then is love worth anything?

22/09/2023

হাজার দিনের ভালবাসা
একটি মুহূর্তে নাই হয়ে যাওয়া

17/09/2023

লোকে আমাকে শুনাই, ভালবাসা কারে কয়
বল না?

15/09/2023

My heart aches. Every day, every moment, it feels like there's a relentless, agonizing weight in my chest because she's not here with me. I miss her so much, and I can't stop thinking about her.

I love her more than words can express, and I wholeheartedly acknowledge my imperfections. I may not have been the perfect man, but I tried with every fiber of my being to be a good one. I now realize, more than ever, that she deserves far better, and no matter how much I improve, it may never be enough because she deserves nothing but the very best.

The guilt I bear for hurting her to the point where she had to leave me is overwhelming. I wish I could turn back time and do things differently, but I can't. I wish I were "normal" and I wish I didn't have all this baggage. I wish I was more like other people, so I could be the right person for her.

All I desire is her happiness, even if it means I'm not a part of her life. The thought of her finding joy without me is both comforting and excruciating. I've lost all sense of purpose, and life feels meaningless without her. I feel a profound emptiness in her absence, and the unshed tears that I hold back, break me little by little, as I long for just one more chance to hold her close and show her the depth of my love.

I'm utterly lost right now, and I don't know which way to turn. My only wish is for her to find happiness, whether with me or without me, and I will always be there for her, ready to offer my support and love whenever she needs it. I don't know what to do anymore.

She is not just the love of my life; she is the very reason my heart beats. Without her, every day is a struggle, and the pain is unbearable. If it's at all possible, I wish she finds it in her heart to talk to me once. If she decides she doesn't want me in her life, I will respect her decision and love her from afar. But I need to know she's okay now and in the future.