Harry Pim

Harry Pim I am Mr. Pim, and I am the purveyor of this satirical page. Try not to take any of this seriously.

How many times have I told Norma not to open her mouth so wide while eating her hot dog wiener. “It isn’t necessary, “ I...
09/06/2024

How many times have I told Norma not to open her mouth so wide while eating her hot dog wiener. “It isn’t necessary, “ I told her. “Most wieners are way smaller than the size of your mouth. Geez…people will think you aren’t genteel.” So what does she do? She flips me off, her own guardian, who only wants to protect her from the underbelly of impolite and impertinent society, and continues sliding her hot dog wiener in and out of her big mouth! I must go to Father Fitzpatrick at the Rectory asap— to see if he has any face muzzles for females doing their sacred penance. Maybe a muzzle might reduce the sheer mouth size of my child. “What have you been doing to get such a big mouth?”
I asked.

Here’s my sweet child, Norma, having a wonderful meal at Dante’s Big-Rack, Home of the Biggest Pork Ribs West of Santa M...
04/06/2024

Here’s my sweet child, Norma, having a wonderful meal at Dante’s Big-Rack, Home of the Biggest Pork Ribs West of Santa Monica. with yours truly paying the tab of course. While eating her meat and talking about her newly-found faith in a dude named Harry Krishna, she felt something crawling out of her ear. It was long, black and shaped like a big worm. As she pulled on it, the longer it became, so much so, she said she actually liked it! I was so horrified by this monster, and my Norma actually liking it, well, I think I need to do a needs assessment on myself, and then plan to have my child rescued from this worm. As for Harry, I’m okay with that dude. He makes my Norma giggle and laugh for hours inside her bedroom. And she isn’t even smoking dope with the dude. They like to do push-ups in tandem to the music of None Inch Nails. Now I ask you: What’s better than laughter and giggling?

Here is a shot of Norma’s current Bible Study group. They get together once a week under the tutelage of Father Fitzpatr...
14/05/2024

Here is a shot of Norma’s current Bible Study group. They get together once a week under the tutelage of Father Fitzpatrick and the entire Rectory of 37 priests at St. Bonaventure Church. Lately they’ve been taking turns reciting out loud from the Baltimore Catechism for four hours at a time. On their knees! The girl in the middle is an absolute saint! She is the only person in the group who hasn’t complained about it. She told Norma and the other children to keep an open mind, and to “jus do it!”

Spent 36 hours at the hospital in the emergency room with Norma. It seems she fell out of her bed two nights ago while p...
25/04/2024

Spent 36 hours at the hospital in the emergency room with Norma. It seems she fell out of her bed two nights ago while praying two decades of the Rosary. Her monthly Sin Rate went down 1.45% in March, but her overall Sin Rate for 2024 has increased 19.8%, making it 24.9% for the year thus far. So Father Fitzpatrick gave her a lot of penance during Norma’s last confession. Then this happens. The doctor thinks Norma needs “intense” physical therapy for the next 9 months. He said he would volunteer to be her therapist for just 10 dollars, which I thought was a great deal! That wonderful doctor is going above and beyond to help my child!

Here is my sweet Norma listening to records at Wallach’s Music City in Hollywood. She’s listening to Sinatra sing. Again...
19/04/2024

Here is my sweet Norma listening to records at Wallach’s Music City in Hollywood. She’s listening to Sinatra sing. Again. Norma currently has a obsessive crush on him, which concerns me. She breathes, eats and sleeps Sinatra! I’ve noticed her grades are going down to straight D’s because of this. All she does is sit in her room most of the time, in one of her skimpy nightgowns, smoke dope and listen to that blue-eyed dude wail on and on. It’s as though he’s actually in her bedroom with her, serenading her in the middle of the night. She never does her homework anymore. I have a good mind to take away her records and give them to Father Fitzpatrick.

Here is my child after two annoying seabirds tried to pick her up on Catalina Island for a quick th*****me. When my chil...
03/12/2023

Here is my child after two annoying seabirds tried to pick her up on Catalina Island for a quick th*****me. When my child told me about this traumatic encounter, I was enraged that this kind of thing can happen in polite society! Thankfully, my Norma got out her little whistle and blew it loudly to alert the authorities. I hope those two jailbirds have learned a lesson— You need to dance with the girl first, then ask for the Th*****me!

Here is my sweet child putting on lipstick before going to Mass. Today she is doing a “reading” from the Book of Corinth...
01/07/2023

Here is my sweet child putting on lipstick before going to Mass. Today she is doing a “reading” from the Book of Corinthians. I had to spend an hour teaching and coaching her on how to correctly pronounce the word—“Corinthians.” (core renth ee ens). She kept pronouncing it “crew tons.” I said to her “Honey, that’s wrong! How did you come up with that ridiculous pronunciation? It’s not even close!” She said it was because of her dyslexia—
whatever that is! Sounds like something might be bothering her brains. I just hope Father Fitzpatrick will go easy on my Norma, penance-wise, this month, especially after she screws up today’s reading at Mass.

Here is my Norma, resting finally, after praying on her knees for sixteen hours straight. It was Father Fitzpatrick’s id...
10/06/2023

Here is my Norma, resting finally, after praying on her knees for sixteen hours straight. It was Father Fitzpatrick’s idea, since Norma’s Sin Count was elevated this month. Last month her Sin Count percentage for that 30 day period, was 14.8. This month, because of the all-day cruise to Catalina with the USC boys baseball team, her Sin Count rose 8.3%, to 22.10%, which means Norma’s Soul condition is teetering on Acute Perditionitis. I am happy to report that my Norma is back on the road to heaven. Just check out her innocent expression, after all that time on her knees.

Here’s my Norma after chewing some tough meat she found in her cocktail. She said she thinks she chipped her bicuspid. I...
10/06/2023

Here’s my Norma after chewing some tough meat she found in her cocktail. She said she thinks she chipped her bicuspid. I asked why was there meat in her cocktail? She said the bartender was eating while making drinks at the bar.

Here is my Norma showing her guidance counselor from church, Missus Otto, the length of her new kneeler for pray time, w...
08/06/2023

Here is my Norma showing her guidance counselor from church, Missus Otto, the length of her new kneeler for pray time, which she has set up inside her bedroom. Norma claims it’s long enough for two people at the same time. Missus Otto approves!

Here is Missus Wintucket, my house maid, removing some head lice from my Norma’s scalp. I asked her how in the world did...
08/06/2023

Here is Missus Wintucket, my house maid, removing some head lice from my Norma’s scalp. I asked her how in the world did she get head lice? She just sat there and told me it had nothing to do with the milkman. ”He doesn’t have lice, that’s how I know,” she said. I then said: “Who said anything about the milkman?” On second thought….No wonder there’s about a dozen empty milk bottles sitting in the garage. Me and that girl are having a deep conversation soon!

Well, I have had it! Norma is now identifying as a “male mourning cloak butterfly.” I have no words for this new develop...
05/06/2023

Well, I have had it! Norma is now identifying as a “male mourning cloak butterfly.” I have no words for this new development concerning my innocent child. I asked her if she’s going to get tired keeping her arms up like that. She says “what arms?” So, I guess it is time to for me attend a novena very very soon.

Her is my Norma getting a shot of Jack Daniel from her half-sister’s son, little Davy, age 4. He ‘s quite the dude, alwa...
04/06/2023

Her is my Norma getting a shot of Jack Daniel from her half-sister’s son, little Davy, age 4. He ‘s quite the dude, always seen squiring 3 year old babes about the town. Hope he’s not pushing hard core drugs on my Norma! If so, I will call the cops on that little dude so fast!

How many times have I told Norma to not expectorate her morning mouthwash! Here she is again, backwashing the Listerene ...
02/06/2023

How many times have I told Norma to not expectorate her morning mouthwash! Here she is again, backwashing the Listerene onto my clean carpet. It also got on her clothes as well. Clothes I just bought for her at Sears. I yelled at her to take off her soiled clothes immediately so that I could launder them before they get ruined. I was outraged at how fast she shimmied out of those plaid dungarees. Two seconds flat! To my way of thinking, that fast time requires a lot of practing. I believe I must consult Father Fitzpatrick about this, and about the sheer speed of my Norma stripping out of her clothes, just like she was a professional! God help us! Back to Bible studies for Norma!

This is Matilda, Norma’s cousin from Utah. To be honest, I prefer my Norma not hanging out with this girl. For one thing...
17/05/2023

This is Matilda, Norma’s cousin from Utah. To be honest, I prefer my Norma not hanging out with this girl. For one thing, Matilda is a pole dancer on the weekends at Joe’s Bar. I don’t agree with that kind of lifestyle. My other concern is Matilda’s negative attitude— She cannot stand ugly people! She is always making fun of so-called ugly girls at Fashion Mall. I say true beauty is skin deep. Norma loves her cousin neverthelesss. She thinks Matilda would make a fine ballerina for the Bolshoi.

Here is my Norma after finding out I did not get the Hostess Snowballs she asked me to buy at the Safeway store today. I...
08/05/2023

Here is my Norma after finding out I did not get the Hostess Snowballs she asked me to buy at the Safeway store today. I told her they were two expensive. She got pi**ed and said “no way are they too expensive— only ten cents and you get two big ones to a package.”

Here is my Norma’s new music teacher. This is Sister Bartholomew’s reaction after watching my child try to tune her new ...
08/05/2023

Here is my Norma’s new music teacher. This is Sister Bartholomew’s reaction after watching my child try to tune her new guitar. It took Norma three hours to figure it out. Meanwhile, I caught Sister B fooling around inside my wine cellar. There were two empty bottles. When I asked what happened to them, she said “The Lord works in mysterious ways.”

Here is my “saintly” Norma humbling herself, and giving a good Catholic confession to Father Fitzpatrick over the phone....
25/03/2023

Here is my “saintly” Norma humbling herself, and giving a good Catholic confession to Father Fitzpatrick over the phone. I was proud that her “sin count” was way down this month, with only a total of 17 venial sins, and a “questionable” mortal sin, which needs to be studied and analyzed still by Father Fitzpatrick. The alleged “mortal” sin had to do with the USC baseball team; but the jury is out on that one! As for her venial sins, well, I am proud to say she lied to me only 7 times last month! What a marvelous improvement! The other 10 venial sins have to do with what she actually did with the USC baseball team. I hope Father Fitzpatrick realizes this marked improvement, and will reduce Norma’s penance to only 2 decades of the rosary this time.

Here is my Norma doing her morning “leg-ups.” She was told by her new Spanish teacher, Senior Valdez, that physical exer...
22/03/2023

Here is my Norma doing her morning “leg-ups.” She was told by her new Spanish teacher, Senior Valdez, that physical exercises are essential to learning the Spanish language. So, every morning Norma lifts each leg 49 times. She’s been doing this for two weeks now, and the only Spanish word she knows is “poco.” I have serious reservations that our “Senior Valdez” knows what he is talking about. Maybe if Norma lifted her arms up 49 times as well, her vocabulary might increase to include “donde esta?”

Here is Norma singing to herself the National Anthem of Cuba. I asked “why Cuba? She says because she likes Cuban ci**rs...
07/03/2023

Here is Norma singing to herself the National Anthem of Cuba. I asked “why Cuba? She says because she likes Cuban ci**rs. That’s when I told her she better not be smoking those stinky ci**rs again. Better to smoke pot— it doesn’t smell as bad. I asked if she’s going out tonight. She said she’s expecting a pizza from the pizza boy. “Any minute now…. ” I swear, if Norma is seeing the pizza boy on the sly, I will take away her various electronic devices for a week. I might even take away her cell phone and iPad too!

I was so embarrassed the other day. My Norma invited her photography club friends over for a few Doctor Peppers. Then th...
06/03/2023

I was so embarrassed the other day. My Norma invited her photography club friends over for a few Doctor Peppers. Then this happened! The guys got their cameras out and started shooting pictures. I got pi**ed and demanded that this obscene picture-taking of my child must stop! Norma got so upset at me she couldn’t get up and off that old divan. Had to call the fire department to free her. The Fire Captain did the rescue himself! That’s what I call “serving the community!”

Norma has just heard she’s been stood up by her date for the evening on the town— three aerial dudes from the Ringling B...
06/03/2023

Norma has just heard she’s been stood up by her date for the evening on the town— three aerial dudes from the Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey Circus. I told Norma that three dudes is really three dates, not just one. She laughed and said “they’re all like one man to me! I just close my eyes!”

Here is Norma eating her “unbirthday” cake. That’s right. It isn’t her actual birthday, just her “unbirthday.” Norma thi...
06/03/2023

Here is Norma eating her “unbirthday” cake. That’s right. It isn’t her actual birthday, just her “unbirthday.” Norma thinks every day should be someone’s birthday, that’s why she celebrates her “unbirthday.” I think she might grow up to be a far-left loon. I must pray to Jesus about this possibility.

Here is my Norma getting pi**ed off when she found out they’re closing down the last Pup And Taco stand in America, whic...
06/03/2023

Here is my Norma getting pi**ed off when she found out they’re closing down the last Pup And Taco stand in America, which happens to be down our street, next to the White Front Store. “Where will I get my 25 cent tacos now?” she screamed. I told Norma to skip eating so many tacos and try fasting for once. If she can skip eating for one whole day, I will buy her a case of nacho cheese Doritos, to eat whenever she wants.

How many times have I told Norma to wear warm flannels to bed at night time. I swear if she gets sick with pneumonia bec...
02/03/2023

How many times have I told Norma to wear warm flannels to bed at night time. I swear if she gets sick with pneumonia because she hangs out wearing that thing, well, I may have to resort to forcing her to hear Yoko Ono sing on the Plastic Ono Band Live Peace in Toronto— full blast, for two straight hours! Maybe that might put a chill in her. Look at her. She’s just daring me to bust her for two weeks! No dope and no hostess cupcakes.

Norma went to Costco today and got this big globe to play with. She says she needs to study her countries and capitols. ...
02/03/2023

Norma went to Costco today and got this big globe to play with. She says she needs to study her countries and capitols. I asked her what’s the Capitol of Belgium, she said Sprouts. Needless to say, I have serious concerns about Norma’s overall knowledge of world capitols. Most of the time she just rides that darn globe like a kid’s carnival ride. Hope she doesn’t break it.

Norma is taking singing lessons at the city recreation department. Here she is belting out Tiptoe Through The Tulips, bu...
28/02/2023

Norma is taking singing lessons at the city recreation department. Here she is belting out Tiptoe Through The Tulips, but unfortunately she bit her tongue. You can see the pain in her face. I suggested she take up the trombone. Norma thinks that instrument is too big and too heavy to play. She said she’d rather blow something smaller. Like a flute. We’ll see about that after she grows tired of the singing lessons.

Here is Father Fitzpatrick after his study session with Norma. He now thinks she is capable of getting a job higher than...
27/02/2023

Here is Father Fitzpatrick after his study session with Norma. He now thinks she is capable of getting a job higher than Taco Bell! He says “maybe there is a job for her at the Rectory, typing homilies for the fellas!”

Here is my Norma praying this morning to the Blessed Virgin. Father Fitzpatrick visited here on Sunday and instructed he...
27/02/2023

Here is my Norma praying this morning to the Blessed Virgin. Father Fitzpatrick visited here on Sunday and instructed her to make a pilgrimage to his church every Saturday night for the next two months for intense prayers while on her knees. Here she is trying to recite the “Glory Be” from memory. I was so proud of her at first. She seemed to know it all! But then my little angel messed up the last part. She said “world without Taco Bell” instead of “world without end.” That’s when I blew my stack and said “no more Taco Bell for a month!” She repented though, and said she would mop the bathroom floors during all of Lent! Father Fitzpatrick was pleased.

Here is my Norma in the dining room after “coming out.” She has officially announced that she is straight heterosexual, ...
17/02/2023

Here is my Norma in the dining room after “coming out.” She has officially announced that she is straight heterosexual, and her pronouns are “baby,” “sugar pie,” and “honey bunch.” Moreover, she has decided that the p***s is preferable, and that she will, for now on, only wear dresses. This is absolutely ridiculous. This decision will traumatize me for the rest of my life! I must consult Father Fitzpatrick!

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