Wayward Trails

13/07/2024

Land Rover wish they had their steering arms this parallel from stock.
Disco to FJ60 steering box swap locked in. In case you’re wondering why, the standard box sits on the inside of the frame rail, right where the M57’s AC compressor lives. Unless you want to offset the engine by half a foot or not run AC, converting to a steering box that lives on the outer rail is where it’s at. This means redrilling and reinforcing the frame plus redoing the draglink and Panhard mount, which is as fun as being punted in the nuts by one of those guys who can kick a football into orbit.
But it’s done, we cry-nap, we move forward 👊🏻

27/06/2024

*takes deep breath*
Yep, I know I’m not going to win any friends with this one, but it needs to be said. We’re all still driving Land Cruisers and Patrols when there are better options. I know we collectively have a long love affair with the 70 Series in particular, and for good reason, they’re good at what they do. It’s just that what they’re built for is no longer what we want to use them for. We’ve moved on. It’s not you LC70, it’s us, baby.

LET ME EXPLAIN
What do you really want out of a touring rig? Off-road ability, the capacity to tow a large boat, tool trailer or caravan, decent economy and enough room for all of your gear (and the family too, I guess). Fair play, the Cruiser can do all that. However, it’s not that difficult, especially when towing heavy, to exceed the GVM. With a few extra litres of fuel or an accidental extra kid on board, you’ve nullified your insurance, your rego and the sanctity of your bu****le when the pineapple-wielding highway patrol catch up to you.

YOU NEED SOMETHING BIGGER, CHAMPION
Basically, you have three options:
One: put your set-up on a diet, get the weights down to legal levels, put one of the s*x trophies up for adoption, get a divorce – whatever gets you below the legal limit.
Two: buy a full-size American rig. A Ram 2500 or a GMC Duramax are built to tow and cart big weights, but they’re not exactly cheap and when loaded up can chew through the juice like Rick James on the nose beers.
Three: get yourself a truck licence and grab yourself a 4X4 truck like an Iveco Daily (for example).

LOCK IN OPTION THREE, THANKS EDDY
Nothing wrong with options one or two. But if you’re putting your rig on a weight-loss regime you’re going to have to make sacrifices about what you take with you. Who the hell wants to leave the water tank empty or not bring the chook-chaser to blat around the campsite with? Screw that. As for the full-size trucks, hell yeah, I’m a massive fan, but they still have to be operated with a car licence, limiting them to a GVM of 4.5T – which is nothing to sneeze at but still ain’t that amazing for the money you’re paying.

The Daily 4×4 has a 7T GVM, can tow (an actual) 3.5T, is relatively fuel efficient for its size, has 37in (well, 36.6in, whatever) rubber as standard, has super low gearing and is backed by a national network of dealers (something the Rams and GMCs can’t hang with at this stage). They’re priced fairly similarly (in some cases cheaper) than the LC70s on the used market and are, frankly, better at pretty much everything.

Oh, and I’m a massive Cruiser fan too. I legit have a LC tattoo and own my idea of the perfect 4WD ute, which says Land Cruiser on the front quarter. So I’m not heaping s**t on the most popular tourer to troll people, I legit just reckon the off-road trucks are better.

QUICK TOE TO TOE
Look, a truck is always going to be, best case, a chore to take to the shops or handle the school drop-off, the Cruiser has them beat there, no question. After that, though, they start ticking a lot of boxes. We’ll put the 2019 Daily 4X4 up against the 2019 79 dual-cab to keep things simple-ish. And because these are the last models I drove fairly extensively on and off-road.

Oh, and we’ll assume you already know that ride comfort, interior plushness and fancy s**t like electric leather seats and suede trim don’t apply to either of these vehicles. They’re workhorses. If you want something with a dozen cupholders and a little robotic arm that jerks you off on the highway, these ain’t your huckleberries.

ENGINES
Daily: 3.0L four-cylinder turbo-deezy; 135kW; 430NM; 6-speed manual; full-time 4WD

LC79: 4.5L V8 turbo-dizzle; 151kW; 430NM; 5-speed manual; part-time 4WD

SUSPENSION
Daily: IFS; solid axle with parabolic leaves out back; disc front; drum rear; 37in rubber

LC79: solid axles both ends; coil front; rear leaf; discs all around; 265/70R16 rubber

TOWING AND GVM:
Daily: 5200kg GVM (LR licence required); 2510kg payload; 3500kg towing

LC79: 3300kg GVM; 1225kg payload (not counting tray); 3500kg towing

OFF-ROAD ABILITY:
Daily: Triple locked, 37s, 101:1 crawl ratio. Next question.

LC79: Twin locked (option), ho-hum gearing, still pretty good but.

PRICING:
Call it around a hundo gorillas for both, although it can vary pretty wildly depending on level of mods and kays on second-hand options etc.

IS A TRUCK REALLY WORTH IT?
Look, I’ve lived for weeks out of a Unimog while travelling up and down the east coast. I’ve done the Simpson Desert in a 79 Troopy, done a chunk of SEQ in a modded dual-cab and I’ve camped quite a bit out of a few different 4X4 Dailys. Is the truck better?

In a word: Yes. Unequivocally. It carries a load better (with way more space); it wheels (stock vs stock) way better and it returns roughly the same fuel economy (+/- 5km/L). You could even argue the Daily has a nicer interior than the 79, although you couldn’t say that for the Mog (the Unidan one I drove you definitely could though).

At the end of the day it’s horses for courses. If you’re towing heavy, have a lot of gear and want to be able to run 37s legally, there’s only one choice. It ain’t the Cruiser.

20/06/2024

Is influencing the best job of all time?

That was a trick question; of course it is. With that said, it’s harder than ever to build an audience and get solid engagement in order to sell your integrity these days. Thanks a lot, Elon.

Anyway, I thought I’d throw together a helpful set of guidelines to get you off to a solid start. Follow the steps below and you’ll be raking in cash from sponsors and getting recognised at 4WD shows next to a life-sized photo of yourself in no time.

ASK OBTUSE AND REPETITIVE QUESTIONS TO REALLY DRIVE THAT ENGAGEMENT
Starting out, you need people to become interested in what you’re putting up online. One of the tried-and-true methods is to ask ba**l questions looking for input. “Where are you heading this weekend?” is a classic. “How good is being off-road?” is one of my faves, and you can’t go by “who else loves the beach?” featuring an image of a young woman in a g-banger bikini.
PRO TIP You don’t even need to know her. The cops will understand why you’re taking pictures of someone without their consent when you explain who you are.

KEEP AUDIENCE KEEN BY NEVER RESPONDING
You’ve asked the hard-hitters, people are invested in your content, now’s the time to get to know your fans, right? Wrong! Don’t ever talk to these people. You’re better than them, with their faces for radio and uppity questions about your twist-n-tape wiring job, which wasn’t even your fault. Nobody told you it could start an engine bay fire! Regardless, don’t ever engage with your audience. Ever. It’s big cuck energy and if you’re a real influencer you know that you may not have any mechanical, driver, general off-road or bush skills, but you’re talented AF and are going places. It’s not your problem if some people have to shield their eyes from the brightness of your shine.

BE BORN WEALTHY
You ever wonder how some of these other influencers drive over $100K worth of 4×4 and get around in RM Williams, freshly pressed button-up shirts and Akubras like their outfit is not worth two weeks of your rent? That’s right, they didn’t pay for it. I know there are a few who fair-dinkum built their rigs bit by bit off the back of hard work and commitment to achieving a goal, but that sounds weak sauce to me. Just get your ‘rents to pay for it and skip straight to the good part.

Oh, you’re poor? Boohoo. Sucks to suck. Read more quotes on TikTok about manifesting your best self and a pair of bootstraps and s**t then come talk to me when you’re ready to take this seriously.

DRIVING SKILL? LOL. JUST FLOOR IT EVERYWHERE
Oh, there’s a water crossing coming up? You know what to do, legend. Windows up and mash that loud pedal. If you’re not sending water 15 feet into the air do you even wheel, bro? Yeah yeah, some wowsers will say it’s dumb for a long list of pretty good reasons, but have you seen any 4X4 advertisement these days? If you’re not macking it through the surf in your Rav4 you’re probably some sort of p***y.

What about rock steps or mud puddles? Hell yeah, feed it, Mungo. You’re going to break your driveline, be cleaning mud out of every or***ce (your rig’s too) for the next few years and will be giving the enviro-fascists more ammo to shut the tracks you’re tearing up, sure, but think of the engagement online, bruh! Don’t waste time learning to drive different terrains responsibly and competently, that’s heaps lame. Just send it everywhere like a man and reap the benefits.

GOOD SPELLING AND GRAMMAR? SETTLE DOWN, CHARLIE TEO
You’re basically a rock star. Spell “definitely” as “defiantly.” Your and you’re? Swap ’em around, go HAM. Effin’ ay you should capitalise random words mid-sentence; it’s not like your audience are smart. They’re not, they’re stupid. And you defiantly won’t look uneducated if you make a few spellos here and there. Besides, spell-checking is hard and it’s not like all phones come with it built in.If anything, being borderline illiterate while operating in a medium that is largely predicated on the written word makes you more relatable. We all went through the same schooling system. Nobody really knows how this s**t works anyway.

CASH BEATS CONTENT – AND DON'T YOU EVER FORGET IT
What’s that? You think the audience wants actual relatable and entertaining content not dressed up as a sleazy marketing exercise? GTFOH with that craziness. Look at shows like Top Gear and The Grand Tour, next to nobody watched them because there is so little “adventure!!™️©” in there. How the hell are people meant to know what the cool products are without you telling them? Heaven forbid you go bush to enjoy yourself and have some fun while sharing your trip with folks with common interests.
Forget that noise, get that money, Kween!

STOP OVERTHINKING IT – YOU LEGIT DON'T NEED TO KNOW A THING
There are people I know who have honestly never done a set of pads in their life being the face of brake companies. Or the peeps who borderline aggressively push swags and tents, then spend the majority of their trips staying in motels rather than camp. And let us not forget old mate who tells you all about how easy a certain accessory is to install then cuts to getting it fitted by a professional at a workshop. And then there are the folks who have never spun spanners on their rig telling you with a straight face which tool kit you should buy.

This game requires so little in the way of actual knowledge before calling yourself an expert. So what are you waiting for? Jump in, take your Colorado and GoPro out on your next trip and prepare yourself for stardom, you little champion.

18/06/2024

17/06/2024

Throttle controllers are often among the first mods done to a car, yet they’re still a bit of a mystery to a lot of us. Even though their name basically tells you what they do, thanks to the powers of the internet (where everyone has a voice no matter how flat-earth, count-to-potato it is), there is still a fair bit of misconception surrounding these little guys.

So let us fill you in, then tell you how throttle controllers work (up top!).

Basically, they fiddle with the input signal in your vehicle’s fly-by-wire accelerator set-up, depending on how you set it. Let’s say you want a crisper, more responsive throttle: you dial it in accordingly and then you depress the loud pedal by an eighth of its travel and the controller tells the ECU that you’re actually pushing it a lot harder and your acceleration rate goes up correspondingly.

Conversely, let’s say you want to dial the throttle response right back. This will enable you to mash the pedal into the firewall and the ECU gets a signal that you’re barely breathing on it. Handy for driving technical terrain or you’ve flicked the keys to your dips**t mate with zero mechanical sympathy who learned to drive playing Grand Theft Auto.

Our buddy, on Insta, recently had an Ultimate 9 EVCX unit “installed” – a $5 word for “we unplugged the wire going to the accelerator, plugged the EVCX unit in, and stuck the controller to the dash in a convenient position” – and it’s been a better first mod than Mickey Rourke hitting the Botox bar. It has woken the little hamster on the spinny wheel up with a nice shove in the lower spine like it’s just shelved an 8-ball of gack.

But despite driveability going through the roof, here’s the kicker: no, it does not give your engine any more power. Read that last sentence again. We’ve seen so much horses**t on the web about how much more you get aT tHe WhEeLs!!

Spoiler alert: it’s nothing. They also won’t make your old fella grow an extra couple of inches, won’t fix your relationship with your father and won’t make you as good at fishing as you truly believe you are.

They’re not THAT revolutionary, but I have to say, the new Ultimate 9 version is pretty effing impressive.

It features full Bluetooth functionality (meaning you can control it through your smartphone, Boomer) and there are a heap of nifty inclusions like a pin-code that renders your throttle as non-functional if it’s not punched in, and valet mode which restricts the throttle to pretty much four-fifths of F***y Adams should your car be driven by someone you don’t know or your f**k-up teenager, whatever.

Anyway, strong recommend for anyone with a vehicle with fly-by-wire throttle (aka one built after the mid-90s) and we have it on good authority that the one in has immediately made a huge difference. It won’t create any more power on the dyno but they allow you to dial in the responsiveness to suit you to a tee – sort of like hooking up with a drunk hottie at the bar – in the cold light of day you know they’re still going to find you heinous, but damn if it ain’t great for your confidence and an overall better all-round night out on the town.

Thanks to our buds, Shannon Woldhuis and Kel for letting us use their Zook for this yarn. Follow along with the Jimny build adventures on Instagrizzle:

11/06/2024

A study commissioned by the CSIRO has revealed that pretty much any caravan or camper model name becomes instantly hilarious if the word “a**l” is placed in front of it.

“F**ken look, a**l Expanda!” Guffawed one teenager from the backseat on a recent family road trip. Despite Mum being disapproving of the crudity of the exercise, even she could not help cracking a reluctant smile. Especially once her usually quite proper daughter shouted: “Have a go at that one, a**l Journey!” Peals of maniacal laughter rang out from the back seat.

Luckily, Dad noticed his wife’s smile, took it as tacit approval, and it was game on. “Kids, check it out, coming up on the left: a**l Tremor!” Which set the whole Prado off for a solid five minutes. The game continued all the way past Narribri. Usually where the boredom has well and truly taken a bat to family morale. But the serotonin was flowing and the mood was high as the kids were keenly scanning the highway for another grey nomad to laugh at.

A**l Gator kept the good times rolling, and spotting an a**l Summit even had Dad daydreaming about how funny it’d be to add a vinyl sticker to the family’s CUB Scout camper. Mum was just happy to let these idiots amuse each other without her having to worry about anything.

However, the spell was broken when the dips**t middle child, Braeden (who nobody really likes), tried to get involved. He hurr-durred out an “a**l Top-Ender” which clearly doesn’t work that well. Dad tried valiantly to bring it back upon sighting an a**l Thrill Seeker, which to be fair, got a few laughs, but the mood had been irrevocably tainted. “Nice one Braeden, you fu***ng sped” was heard being whispered from the back seat. Neither Mum or Dad did anything about it because Braeden clearly deserved it.

More to come. And more in general at www.waywardtrails.media

09/06/2024

Hope you’re enjoying your long weekend, champion. Just a quick reminder that your 79 dual-cab and “off-road” caravan will never be as cool as this.
Don’t @ me

06/06/2024

Camping and urinals share a code, man. I don’t want to feel a rando’s arm hair brush up against mine at the campsite or while taking a p**s.
Please use this image as a visual guide for anyone who camps close enough to hear your tummy rumble when the bacon starts to sizzle. Have a great long weekend, and remember: don’t be that weirdo.


PS check out more content on waywardtrails.media if you wanna help us out. Kthxluvyoubye x

06/06/2024

With the long weekend coming up, we bring you Part 1 of our Camping Etiquette series where we take a look at a truly odd phenomenon – people who set up camp right next to other people… who they don’t know.

People are strange. There’s no getting around it. Like close talkers or people in a queue who stand intimately behind you and you find yourself praying they don’t get a b***r. Because you just know it’ll be touching you.

It happens out in the bush too. We’ve all been there: you’ve found a sweet little clearing right next to the lake, or a pristine stretch of beach, or a desert oasis. You’ve pegged out the Oztent, cracked a cold one and are kicking back in your chair living the good life.

And then, out of thin f*cking air, somebody you’ve never met in your entire life comes cruising down the track and proceeds to unroll their Kings awning and set up their K-Mart dome tent not twenty feet from your position. What the actual f*ck?!

Long story medium, give people some space.

Nobody likes being tailgated while doing 10km/h over the speed limit, right? It’s really not that difficult to extrapolate that it’s essentially the same thing to pitch your tent right next to some random stranger. People go camping to get out in nature, and in many cases, get away from the rat race and distance themselves from the majority of the population. A little peace found in solitude and all that.

And then you come along, the new fish in the prison showers standing next to the heavily tattooed gorilla, Bowling Ba***ag Bob, who’s a lifer, asking him to wash your back. I’d like to maintain enough faith in society that most of us probably think that’s not that cool a move. Why would you think that it is, under any circumstances? Or, to put it another way…it’s the equivalent of taking the urinal right next to the only other dude in the pub’s p**ser.

Or close walking behind someone to the point they can feel your overbearing breath on their neck. Why are you like this? Did your parents not teach you about personal bubbles and staying out of other people’s lest you contaminate the wrong one and end up copping a fist to the mouth? Are you a sociopath with absolutely zero empathy towards other folks’ camping experience and the self-awareness of crackhead taking a dump on their neighbour’s lawn?

Look, I’m a firm believer that there’s no social ill that can’t be rectified with a little education.

After a lifetime spent observing some truly baffling behaviour from fellow (and almost always new) campers, I figured I’d throw together a bit of a series on the ‘f*ck yeahs’ and ‘f*ck no’s’ of enjoying a night or ten out in the Aussie bush. Consider it a gentle heads up about your fly being open and your few centimetres of fury making everyone else at the parent-teacher meeting a little uncomfy.

Take a breath, and tap into your inner Chris McCandless… He’s that bloke who went off into the wilds of Alaska and ended up croaking after eating poisonous berries. But you can guarantee he wasn’t right next to some poor bastard trying to enjoy a night under the stars when he did so. And that’s what you should be aiming for too. Not eating the wrong thing and dying but giving yourself and others as much space as practically possible.

I get that some sites are chockers and finding a spot away from others is not always feasible, but if they can smell your farts you’re way too close, champ. Australia is a big wide place, if the spot you want to camp at is occupied, there’s almost always somewhere else that’s just as good, if not better. Get exploring, find paradise. And let other people do the same thing. It’s not that hard.

Tell us your weirdest close-camper story for a chance to win some internet validation from a bunch of strangers👇🏼

02/06/2024

And just like that, the is in place.

Now all that’s left to do is the hard part.

27/05/2024

When your engine hoist’s ram doesn’t hold pressure, but you need to keep the engine you’re building mounts for level, while also having a PHD in cable tie engineering.

22/05/2024

:hastily revises opinion on newer Rangies whilst unbuckling:

23/03/2024

Borgy is a good mate, please keep an eye out if you’re in NSW.
If car thieves weren’t as important to me as a fingernail clipping or that lint that accumulates in your belly button after a day spent in a woolen shirt, I’d almost feel sorry for them when he catches up with them.

Please SHARE!

I can't believe I'm writing this. My LandCruiser has been STOLEN!

This is NOT a joke! Some low life's have stolen the bright orange taxi from near Bathurst NSW at some stage this week.

Somebody has to have seen something! It's bright orange!

I don't need to tell you all how much this car means to me. I am absolutely gutted to say the least.

I want it back. There will be a substancial reward for any information that leads to its return.

Please share this far and wide, and message me directly if you have seen anything that may help track down my pride and joy.

To the low life's that have done this, police have been notified, and I will not rest until the vehicle is found!

21/03/2024

Do you like sweet as photography? Do you like rad camping set-ups? Do you like Troopies? If you answered yes to these questions, then congratulations, you’re not an inhuman philistine, but also you should totally get onto Ryan Kestle’s insta page and kiss the sky. I’m not exactly sure what this dude does for a living, but he’s better than me at pretty much everything, and drives his, frankly, porn-spec 75 Troopy to some of the most beautiful destinations in the country on the reg.

Oh, and he’s a bit of a smooth criminal behind the camera too. So much so that our mates at Frontier Lines often use his photography to advertise their gear, and they don’t like to do things by halves. Anyway, heaps sick pics, fawesome destinations and a super-tidy Cruiser.

Shh Shh Shh, just say yes.of.ryan_frontier.lines

18/03/2024

“Yeah they have a negative impact on braking”
Minister Charles Ocksucker stated on Wednesday. The profound realisation came after his 3-tonne, taxpayer-funded limousine with stock brakes was forced to stop suddenly. Apparently when someone from a low socio-economic area used a zebra crossing ahead of it.
“My car is on standard tyres, imagine how much longer it would have taken to stop if it was on larger rubber!” Minister Ocksucker explained shrilly, as though our reporter was buying his bulls**t. When questioned on his argument, especially given the government are yet to come up with a national set of modification rules for vehicles on the road, despite having two centuries to get it done, instead continuing to rely ever-increasingly on tightening the already overbearing regulations and fining enthusiasts for not obeying the nebulous set of “guidelines,” the minister quickly shut down the interview. When pressed, he hurriedly explained he was late for an important cabinet meeting.
He was scheduled to attend a symposium on further cuts to education and healthcare and how to gaslight the constituency into believing they brought it on themselves.
“It was wild,” one camera operator from a rival publication stated. “The bloke practically dove into his fortress on wheels. You could hear him squawking frantically at the driver to get him the f**k away from these people. Poor bloke was nearly in tears!”
This latest bout of political noisemaking about modified automobiles comes after numerous state-wide crackdowns on illegally improved vehicles.
The complaints include vehicles that are too low to the ground, have lights on the roof and feature too many driver distractions on the dash. Perpetrators are being targeted by low vehicles with lights on the roof and more lights and screens inside than a Pachinko parlour.
At the time of writing, the minister’s office has been sent numerous FOIA requests. However, copies of the engineering certificate for his limo’s stretch, GVM increase and armour plating are yet be provided.
Updates will be posted if any new information surfaces.

For more news, get over to waywardtrails.media already. Kthxloveyoubye.

13/03/2024

To be fair, Wu-Tang Clan ain’t chilling in my driveway rn

11/03/2024

There’s a lot of misleading advertising around camping products. Phrases like “heavy duty” on something that’s as tough as a wet paper bag, or “bush proof!” on a piece of s**t that folds quicker than an origami expert. So it’s always nice when something does exactly what it says on the box. Take my Oztent RV-4, for example - it’s still fighting fit after a decade of abuse - but much like that hottie in high school you used to pine over, it’s not all freshly scented underwear and crazy eyes. Click to get my thoughts (on the tent, not the hottie. Women hate me)

05/03/2024

DID YOU KNOW: not everyone in the aftermarket 4X4 space is a blow-in pushing low standard garbage so they can cash out and bounce in a few months. Some retailers are legit, and, much like the fridge we still haven’t unpacked after our last camping trip, we thought they deserved some attention.

To find out why we reckon Advanced Installation Service 4WD / CRD Tech Sydney is an industry GC, click the link in our bio to read the full article. I double dog dare you. Kthxbye.

14/11/2023

Did the maths on my Zook a few years ago. Had like 1200NM at the wheels from the stock 1.3L and 6.5 transfer gears. Just sayin’.

07/11/2023

Hasn’t seen sunlight in a minute. Nor has it been this clean.
Nothing like starting a completely different project to get you motivated to finish the one that used to be in the shed. #45-80

24/10/2023

Ya hate to see it.

22/10/2023

Oooooh. What’s going on here then?

20/10/2023

Would.

14/10/2023

Shots fired.
You can read all about why this is true in issue 1 of Wayward Trails mag.
Live, Laugh, Link below:

https://issuu.com/waywardtrails/docs/wt001/32

13/10/2023

Hope your weekend doesn’t feature this truly annoying phenomenon, campers.

12/10/2023

The 40-80 has to come out of the shed while the Disco gets its engine transplant, so I thought I better put its clothes on.
__________________________________
#45-80chassis

18/09/2023

This is not going to be your average review; let’s get that out the way now. Ordinarily, when assessing a vehicle I’ll examine certain things like off-road angles, fording depth, aftermarket support and the usual "how it drives on and off-road" blah blah blah. All that goes out the window with this particular review. Why?
Because this time I’m behind the wheel of a vehicle like no other – the granddaddy of low-range; the holy grail of capability; the pinnacle of track conquering, balls-out, rock-wrecking, sand-stomping, dirt-dominating, mudmauling masculinity – the Mercedes Benz Unimog.
If you’re unaware what these things represent to the 4WD world, strap yourself in because they’re probably the most lusted-after fourby of all time. They’re capable of tackling any track, towing any load and having enough storage for your gear, your mates’ gear and a couple of Suzuki Jimnys on top. I’ve been in love with these things for years, and I was finally getting to drive one…
…and then reality stepped in, punched me in the face, took my wallet, made a mean comment about my Mum and stole my girlfriend.
This thing was probably the worst 4X4 I’ve ever driven.
Come with me on a journey as I run a gauntlet of emotions and spend a week in a truck that changed the way I perceive four-wheel driving forever.

Read it here ⬇️ kthx love you bye 💕

https://issuu.com/waywardtrails/docs/wt002v4/44

08/06/2023

A local good boi has recently become much closer with his human companion after the pair went on an insalubrious camping weekender, which was largely spent using nature as a toilet. “This animal even took a s**t in the same root system that I used!” enthused Popcorn, the stoked mutt. “I’m not even exaggerating mate, throw a swag on the roof and feed him nothing but snags, white bread and Beam and this bloke becomes a deadset filth-merchant.”

Popcorn’s owner, Terry Jenkins, decided on the last-minute trip to the bush after breaking up with his girlfriend of three months – much to Popcorn’s relief. “Look, Kim was a nice lady and everything,” Popcorn told us. She snuck me some bacon fat under the table occasionally, but let’s be honest, Terry was punching with her. He was lucky she even gave him the time of day in my opinion. She’s smart and funny and outgoing, and this bloke owns a Mahindra. It was inevitable he was going to get hurt and she called it at the right time You getting the picture or should I get the crayons out?” the bundle of furfection asked us, his undertone of irony suggesting strongly that an answer to the rhetorical question was unnecessary.

When pressed further into the details of the weekend adventure, Popcorn’s tail started wagging “I kid you not, I legit watched this barbarian take a leak on no fewer than three different trees – he’d barely stopped dribbling before walking off – I had no idea we had this much in common! He didn’t even seem to care he was alerting every wild dog within ten kays that he’s got some pretty questionable health issues and that he should probably get some penicillin up him. He just bravely put it all out there, and f**k, ya gotta admire that.”

When asked about the sleeping arrangements, Popcorn became uncharacteristically nondescript. “I won’t go into that one, cob, but let’s just say that me and Terry are best mates, and for a chippie, he gives a really gentle, even tender, ear-scratch. End of.” He added, “Anyway, the bloke is an absolute grog-monster on the Jaybee and Cees. 10 outta 10 would get loose with again.”