Throughout the years Abi and I, in our defensiveness, unnecessarily escalated conflicts.
We didn’t understand anything about the nervous system, and our responses led to further anxiety and intensity.
We wanted connection and peace for the relationship, but our responses provoked anything but that.
I was King of saying, “You don’t realize that it’s because you…”
I justified many of my actions and reactions rather than acknowledging and owning my behavior.
Had I responded by validating her experience when I was called to the carpet, I could have changed so much about how we related.
I also would have learned much earlier how to healthily hold her accountable for ways she was impacting me by sharing about my experience rather than reacting to her behaviors and furthering the disconnection.
As I’ve become more strategic about the life experience I want, I’m less concerned about defending myself and winning an argument and more concerned about how to approach a matter healthily so I can walk away feeling like our relationship had a win and we’re both better off for it.
Come join us as we talk about the lessons we’ve learned in marriage through plenty of trial and error.
Watch Episode 294 to hear more.
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#fight #love #marriage #dating #relationship #emotionalhealth
The self-love movement can be incredibly destructive.
Abi and I were known in our circles of influence for the message of self-love long before it had become a mainstream conversation.
The engagement with self-love was vital to our healing process and is a staple foundation in our value system.
The mainstream movement, however, has evolved into a message of denying the destructive reality of the messy parts of our humanity and ignoring the impact of our actions on the world around us, all in the name of love and acceptance.
This version of self-love lacks accountability, ownership, and a requirement to heal, grow, and change.
This creates fragile people that are incapable of coming face to face with the reality of the fruit of their lives.
True self-love is an acceptance of ourselves that is so strong that we can humbly and compassionately look into a mirror and embrace the truth of our destructive actions, seek forgiveness for our shortcomings, and participate in a repair process.
This kind of self-love is the manifestation of humility and honor, for ourselves and others. It is a catalyst for creating confidence, connection, and an abundantly lived life.
Come join our crew as we dive into principles that saved both our marriages...
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#selflove #love #marriage #dating #relationship #emotionalhealth
The things that really bothered me about other people were actually things I judged about myself. Life presents us with many mirrors, but so often, we don't notice that we are fighting our own reflection.
Now, when something annoys me, I search for how they are holding up a mirror to me. What are they here to show me about myself? How am I the same as them? What do I need to forgive within myself in order to have compassion on them?
I may not do the same behavior, but I can always find some way that I show up similarly. Most of us have fear, want to be safe, want to belong, and try to protect ourselves from pain in various ways.
In this week's podcast, join us for an honest and vulnerable conversation about learning to face ourselves and let go of our judgments toward ourselves and others.
Watch episode 293: The Power Of Facing Yourself on Youtube or listen on Apple Podcasts or Spotify.
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#love #relationship #dating #marriage #emotions #emotionalhealth #annoying #selfjudgment
If you expect perfection, you will be constantly disappointed in yourself and others.
Watch episode 293: The Power Of Facing Yourself on Youtube or listen on Apple Podcasts or Spotify.
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#love #relationship #dating #marriage #emotions #emotionalhealth #perfect #perfection #perfectionist
I’ve hurt a lot of people. I’ve also helped a lot of people along the way. Neither of those statements negates the other. This is a universal tension we all have to face.
It’s easy to make it all about one or the other because we all tend to have black and white thinking.
Holding these two truths in tension has become progressively easier for me.
Self-forgiveness has been vital to that.
Staying close to forgiveness starts with accepting the reality that it’s needed and readily available if we just receive it and give it to ourselves.
As I continue to learn how to let go of my judgments and accept that there’s no such thing as perfection, I’m much freer to face myself without the sting of condemnation.
It’s here that I can accept that I’ve not only hurt people, but I will continue to hurt people, and there’s grace for that as I humble myself and learn from my mistakes.
The result has been freedom and peace that transcends understanding as I step out of a hell of my own making and into the embrace of God’s love and redemption.
I truly believe this conversation will be a game-changer for so many people.
Come join us. Watch episode 293: The Power Of Facing Yourself on Youtube or listen on Apple Podcasts or Spotify.
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#love #relationship #dating #marriage #emotions #emotionalhealth #healing #healingjourney
Nuance saved our marriage. No one wants to take ownership if that means that they have to carry all the blame.
When we were thinking in black and white, it was either his issues or mine that were creating the problems. Now we know better; we both contribute to all of our cycles.
This week, we had a vulnerable conversation about the one thing that changed our life purpose and saved our marriage.
Watch episode 293: The Power Of Facing Yourself on Youtube or listen on Apple Podcasts or Spotify.
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#love #relationship #dating #marriage #couplegoals #relationshipgoals #emotions #emotionalhealth #vulnerability
Abi and I spent years blaming each other for the pain we experienced.
It often felt easier to judge one another rather than take a personal account of how we perpetuated hurt.
Through our judgments, we unknowingly minimized the other person's humanity as we unconsciously battled shame.
In our fears, we lived as victims to our relationship, which fostered a lot of powerlessness and resentment.
By pointing fingers, we could justify our responses, avoid taking ownership, and minimize the shame we felt about our own behavior.
This kept us in destructive cycles that were in opposition to love and connection. It also hindered us from finding personal freedom because we didn’t have to face ourselves.
If we hadn’t learned how to take personal ownership and come to terms with how we were impacting the other person, we would have divorced like so many couples do.
One of the greatest things we ever did for our relationship and our personal well-being was to accept that we were our own problem, acknowledge that we were very imperfect, and look honestly at how we were participating in co-creating pain.
We tell on ourselves a lot in the episode and it’s one of our favorites that we’ve shared in a while.
If you want to hear all the juicy details, you can watch the full episode - 293: The Power Of Facing Yourself on Youtube or listen on Apple Podcasts & Spotify.
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#love #relationship #dating #marriage #couplegoals #relationshipgoals #emotions #emotionalhealth
It’s easy to fall on the sword and take ownership of everything or blame others. As humans, we so often think in black-and-white terms: all or nothing, it’s your fault, or it’s my fault. Especially for all of us codependents out there, we often take the blame for it all so that we can get back to reconnection quickly.
This moment really helped me learn to hold two truths at the same time. Relationship dynamics are co-created. I can take ownership of my part and yet hold that others also play a part in this. Both can be true.
In our latest episode, we have a deep and vulnerable conversation about how to get honest with ourselves and the people around us.
Watch episode 293: The Power Of Facing Yourself on Youtube or listen on Apple Podcasts or Spotify.
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#love #relationship #dating #marriage #couplegoals #relationshipgoals #emotions #emotionalhealth #fight
The only riches we’ll ever get to keep are those deposited in the hearts of the people we encounter on Earth.
These treasures are created through our capacity to participate in love, care, kindness, forgiveness, and truth.
Coming face to face with how we impact the world around us is eternally vital.
I spent years running from having to look at some of the ways I had intentionally and unintentionally created pain for others.
The thought of genuinely acknowledging my role in the pain I had created felt too much to bear at times.
It felt much easier to deny my part and the effects of my decisions than to face myself head-on.
The price I had to pay in order to face myself was feeling the grief that came with the truth.
Facing ourselves is nearly impossible outside of connection to God’s unrelenting love. The shame and condemnation feel like they will swallow us alive.
However, connected to His mercy, grace, and forgiveness, we can take an honest look at our impact, humbly own what we’ve done, and change how we participate in the world.
The result is a life filled with redemption, restoration, and repair.
This is one of my favorite conversations we’ve had on the podcast, so I know you’ll enjoy it.
Watch episode 293: The Power Of Facing Yourself on Youtube or listen on Apple Podcasts or Spotify.
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#love #relationship #dating #marriage #couplegoals #relationshipgoals #emotions #emotionalhealth
Why do we all do relationships backward? The easiest time to be honest and bring things up is when they aren't a big deal and when we feel calm and relaxed about it. That's when conversations are the best. And yet, most of us either wait until something is a huge deal or until the middle of a conflict, when we are already triggered to bring things up, which is the hardest time to work through conflict.
If the result we want is to be heard and to create safety in our relationships, the easiest way to do that is to create a culture where we set conversations up for success. We explain how to do this in this week's podcast, "Revolutionize your Relationships with Honesty."
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#marriage #dating #relationship #parenting #relationshipadvice #emotions #conflict #healthy
A paper cut won’t kill anyone, but one thousand paper cuts not bandaged will.
Death by a thousand cuts is real.
There was a time in my life when a friend would do something that felt like a paper cut. I would tell myself, “That’s not a big deal. You’ll only make things worse if you bring it up. Just let it go and move on.”
Everything seemed like we were doing good… Until we weren’t.
A molehill had unknowingly become a mountain, and the pain had become so strong it wasn’t bearable to ignore it any longer. Addressing months, even years, of unresolved issues was nearly impossible, and the end result was a failed friendship.
Relationships that go the distance begin with micro-truths. Being honest about your experience, when it’s low stakes over less complex issues, creates a safe place to work through disagreements and misunderstandings. Fostering a history of this behavior develops a deeper sense of connection and, ultimately, relational resilience.
When more substantial difficulties hit a relationship with this kind of history, the tendency for things to completely fall apart is much less likely as trust through truth has been built, and you have a sense of knowing you can get over hurdles.
If you want insights into how honesty can revolutionize your relationships, check out episode 292 on our Youtube.
-Justin
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#marriage #dating #relationship #parenting #relationshipadvice #emotions #strength #resilience
You’re not special.
You’re not the one person that will get through life without conflict in your relationships.
I used to believe the lie that I could be good enough and understand enough about emotional health that I could eventually have relationships free from conflict.
That didn’t work out too well for me.
Simply put, conflict is inevitable. We can spend our lives trying to avoid conflict and ignoring the problems in relationships, or we can embrace the messiness of our collective humanity and use it to strengthen our bond with each other.
Every time my friends are transparent about the ways they’re experiencing our relationship, I feel so loved and so much trust is built.
I feel like our connection matters enough to them that they’re willing to have discussions that might feel really difficult for them. Not only that, but I know they’re not building a case against me that will eventually be weaponized to assign blame and justify leaving altogether without any notice.
Being able to talk lovingly and openly about the things going on internally is the glue that bonds any relationship together.
If you want to hear about how to build deeper bonds in your relationships, check out episode 292.
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#marriage #dating #relationship #parenting #relationshipadvice #emotions #conflict #healthy
Sarcasm hurts so many people.
Yet simultaneously, it’s a love language that connects so many.
Sarcasm, like other forms of communication, can be weaponized or simply misunderstood based on what our history is with it, who’s delivering it, and how they’re delivering it.
In my friendship with Gabby, I thought we were having a delightful connection through our sarcastic banter. Through her laughter, smiles, and equal exchanges, I imagined we were forming a close-knit sister/brother friendship. What I didn’t know is that she was secretly resenting our exchanges because they triggered a pain point from her past that she wasn’t aware of.
Thankfully, Gabby’s bravery in speaking up and sharing allowed us to have an honest dialogue about what was happening inside of her. Through her ability to share vulnerably about her family dynamics, while also owning she had dropped the ball in not bringing this to the table sooner, we were able to peacefully navigate the muddied waters.
In the end, I was able to hear Gabby’s heart, she was able to better understand me, and we were both able to return to sarcastic banter (which we both really enjoy) with a foundation of mutual respect, honor, understanding, and play toward one another.
This kind of truth and conflict resolution exchange saves friendships, working relationships, family connections, and marriages.
If you want to hear more about Gabby’s journey to becoming bravely honest and the way it’s changed her relationships, watch/listen to episode 292.
-Justin
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#marriage #dating #relationship #parenting #relationshipadvice #emotions #funny #sarcasm
Let's just be honest - a lot of us want our partners to parent us. We want them to have the answers to problems, be powerful and steady, and love, nurture, and comfort us. We want them to always know what to say, never be triggered by us, and be fine with all of our emotions. Basically, we want a therapist, a parent, and God all rolled into one person.
How stressful is that expectation?! 🤪It sets both partners up for so much disappointment. In this week's podcast, we have a very real conversation about letting go of the unrealistic subconscious expectations we put on our relationships.
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#marriage #dating #relationship #parenting #relationshipadvice #emotions
I didn’t know how to say “No” so my body said it for me.
For years, I ignored my inner signals about my feelings, needs, and limitations only listening to myself when I got sick. By doing this, I unknowingly taught my body that physical pain was the only way to get my attention. Which created cycles of abandoning myself, then taking time to recover, only to go back into abandoning myself again.
I found that learning how to say “no” even in small ways helped me have less of a big body crash later. The discomfort of setting a healthy boundary is so much more tolerable than the pain of defaulting to sickness.
We share our conversation about this in this weeks podcast, Revolutionize Your Relationships With Honesty.
When people slowly back away or suddenly disappear, and you don’t know why, it feels painful and out of control. Many times, something happens that people think isn’t a big enough deal to talk through, feel too scared to bring up, or just try to shove it down because they don’t want to be “needy.” But inevitably, over time, small issues build up into big issues.
The only way I’ve found around this is to create a culture in my relationships where it’s safe to bring up issues right away. I celebrate friends whenever they share honestly with me because I know it’s them protecting our relationship.
This week on our podcast, we talk about how to revolutionize your relationships with honesty. We can create safe relationship dynamics when we intentionally create healthy core values around conflict. Most of us avoid having conversations because we’ve never been taught how to make them low-stakes; this conversation will help you begin to do that.
Some of us would rather crawl on our bare hands and knees through broken glass than feel certain emotions.
We ALL have emotions that are intolerable. Often, we’re not even aware of them because we’ve created so much distance between ourselves and them that we don’t even know they exist.
Unfortunately, the things that we do to avoid these emotions often cause further problems and perpetuate more pain.
When we’re not trying to avoid these emotions, they often hide behind the scenes and trigger us into automatic reactions that don’t reflect how we want to ideally respond.
That’s where we often think, “Man, I screwed that up, why did I react that way?”
Facing our intolerable emotions isn’t fun, but you don’t have to do it alone.
Come join us for tips and tricks on identifying these emotions and what to do when you discover them.
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#theconnectedlife #emotions #emotionalhealth #love #peace #human #mindset
"Ahhh, get it off me!" That's how I feel when rejection, shame, or loneliness floods in. It's like these intolerable emotions will burn me alive if I hold onto them too long.
We all have emotions that feel unbearable. These emotions are usually a mix of uncomfortable physical sensations and tough past experiences. These experiences teach us that certain emotions aren't safe to feel. Our emotions get tangled with our threat response, making us feel fear and danger when these emotions surface.
It's like our emotions are on fire, and our instinct is to put them out quickly. So, what do we do about that? How do we make emotions more tolerable so they feel less like we are on fire?
That's what this week's podcast "I Hate These Emotions!" is all about. Emotions don't have to bully us. We can learn how to be powerful with them.
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#theconnectedlife #emotions #emotionalhealth #love #peace #human #mindset
Our numbness can kick in so quickly that we can think we aren't feeling anything at all when really we are using numbness to shield ourselves from the intensity of what we're experiencing.
When I notice myself going numb, instead of thinking, "Meh, I'm probably fine," I try to pause and say, "Oh, I wonder if I'm feeling a lot of hard feelings right now. What could be going on that I am scared to look at or feel?"
Many of us aren't taught how to feel our feelings, so we learn to bury them. This week's podcast episode, "I Hate These Emotions!" is all about demystifying our emotions, especially the ones we avoid but are still driving our lives.
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#theconnectedlife #emotions #emotionalhealth #love #peace #human #mindset
Get away from me!….but please don't leave me!
This is what disorganized attachment feels like to me. I'm pushing someone away from me because of how vulnerable and scared I feel…but I also secretly want that person to come even closer and reassure me that they're never going to abandon me.
Talk about a confusing dynamic to be on the other side of and a confusing dynamic to feel on the inside.
The answer to this problem was so much different than I ever imagined. We share my journey with it and the solutions I've found helpful in this week's podcast, I Hate These Emotions! 😆
Comment "Episode 291" and I'll send you the convo.
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#theconnectedlife #emotions #emotionalhealth #love #peace #human #mindset
