04/05/2023
Fantastic Four in the style of Seinfeld
SCENE 1
INT. FANTASTIC FOUR HQ - DAY
Reed Richards, played by Jerry Seinfeld, is pacing around the lab while Sue Storm, played by Julia Louis-Dreyfus, is sitting at the computer, typing away. Suddenly, Johnny Storm, played by Michael Richards, bursts into the room, holding a newspaper.
JOHNNY: "Hey, guys! Check it out! They're calling us mutants now!"
REED: "What? That's ridiculous. We're not mutants. We got our powers from cosmic radiation."
BEN: "Tell that to the Daily Bugle. They've got a whole article about us, calling us a menace to society!”
SUE: "Well, we can't control what the media says about us. All we can do is continue to do good and show people that we're not a threat."
Reed nods in agreement, while Ben continues to grumble about the unfairness of it all.
JOHNNY: "Yeah, but you know what really burns me up? They're always focusing on you guys. What about me? I'm the Human Torch, for crying out loud! I'm just as important as you guys."
Reed rolls his eyes as Johnny storms out of the room, leaving the others to deal with his fiery temper.
SCENE 2
INT. NEW YORK CITY STREET - DAY
The Fantastic Four are walking down the street, trying to keep a low profile. But as usual, they attract attention wherever they go. People are staring at them and whispering to each other.
PERSON 1: "Look, it's the Fantastic Four!"
PERSON 2: "Aren't they mutants or something?"
Reed rolls his eyes as they continue down the street.
Ben: "We're not mutants, people! Can't you see the difference?"
SUE: "Maybe we should just wear disguises or something. It's getting harder and harder to go out in public."
JOHNNY: "Or we could just fly away from all these losers!"
He bursts into flames and takes off into the sky, leaving the others behind to deal with the stares and whispers of the crowd.
SCENE 3
INT. FANTASTIC FOUR HQ - DAY
The Fantastic Four are gathered around the TV, watching a news report about a new superhero who has just arrived on the scene.
REPORTER: "And here we have a new hero, the Silver Surfer, who has come to Earth to help fight crime and protect the innocent."
REED: "Silver Surfer? Who's that?"
BEN: "I don't know, but he's got a pretty cool surfboard."
SUE: "I heard he's from another planet. Maybe we should try to make friends with him. It's always good to have allies in this line of work."
Just then, Johnny storms into the room, still in flames from his latest flight.
JOHNNY: "Hey, did you guys see the Silver Surfer? He's stealing my thunder! I'm the Human Torch, the hottest thing in town!"
The others exchange a look, wondering how to handle Johnny's ego.
REED: "Let's not get too caught up in all this superhero competition. We're a team, and that's what counts."
BEN: "Yeah, we're the Fantastic Four. No one can beat us when we're working together."
Johnny calms down a bit, but still looks a little put out by the mention of the Silver Surfer.
SCENE 4
INT. FANTASTIC FOUR HQ - DAY
The Fantastic Four are sitting around the conference table, discussing their latest mission, when suddenly Dr. Doom bursts into the room, played by Larry David.
DOOM: "Excuse me, excuse me. Can I just ask a question? Why are you guys called the Fantastic Four? I mean, who came up with that name? It's so generic and bland. You're not fantastic. You're just... okay."
Reed looks annoyed at Doom's intrusion, but Sue tries to be diplomatic.
SUE: "Well, we thought it was a good name that represented our unique abilities and teamwork."
DOOM: "Please, fantastic is not unique. You need a name that really captures the essence of who you are. Like, oh, I don't know... how about the 'Pretty Pretty Pretty Good Four'? Now, that's a name that commands respect."
BEN: "What are you talking about? That name is terrible."
JOHNNY: "Yeah, it sounds like a group of models, not superheroes."
Reed rolls his eyes and stands up, ready to es**rt Doom out of the room.
REED: "Thank you for your input, Dr. Doom, but we'll stick with our current name. Now, if you'll excuse us, we have work to do."
As Doom leaves the room, muttering to himself, the Fantastic Four exchange a look, wondering how they got stuck with such an odd and opinionated nemesis.
SCENE:
INT. NEW YORK CITY SUBWAY - DAY
The Thing, played by Jason Alexander, is riding the subway when he spots Thor, played by Chris Hemsworth, sitting across from him. The Thing stares at Thor's long golden hair, transfixed.
THE THING: (to himself) Look at that hair. It's so lustrous, so perfect.
Thor notices The Thing staring at him and looks visibly uncomfortable.
THOR: Can I help you with something?
THE THING: Oh, no, no. I'm sorry. I'm just a big fan of your hair. I mean, you're Thor, right? God of Thunder, wielder of Mjolnir.
THOR: Yes, that is correct.
THE THING: And that hair. How do you get it so shiny?
Thor shifts in his seat, clearly uncomfortable with the line of questioning.
THOR: It's just genetic, I suppose.
THE THING: (nodding) Yeah, I get it. I mean, I'm The Thing, and I've got rocks all over me. Not exactly a fashion statement.
Thor nods politely, but looks eager to end the conversation.
THOR: Well, it was nice meeting you, Thing, but I have to go now.
THE THING: Wait, just one more thing. Can I touch your hair?
Thor recoils in horror, looking like he wants to teleport out of there.
THOR: No, you may not.
The Thing looks dejected as Thor quickly exits the subway car, leaving The Thing to ponder the mysteries of great hair.
INT. DINER - DAY
The Thing is sitting across from Reed in a booth, nursing a cup of coffee. He looks dejected and a bit embarrassed.
REED: "So let me get this straight. You saw Thor on the subway, and you just couldn't help but ask to touch his hair ?”
BEN: "Hey, it's not my fault the guy has perfect golden locks. It's like he just stepped out of a shampoo commercial."
Reed chuckles and takes a sip of his own coffee.
REED: "I'm sure Thor was thrilled to be ogled by a rock monster."
BEN: "Hey, I didn't mean anything by it. I just...I don't know. I guess I was starstruck or something."
REED: "Well, just try to keep it together next time. We don't want to give the other superheroes a reason to think we're weirdos."
BEN: "Oh, like you're one to talk. How many times have you tried to impress Sue with your stretchy powers?"
Reed looks a bit sheepish at this.
REED: "Well, that's different. Sue is my wife."
Reed rolls his eyes and takes another sip of coffee.
REED: "Let's just focus on the mission at hand. We've got a lot of work to do if we want to maintain our status as the...pretty pretty pretty good four."
The Thing glares at Reed for a moment, but then sighs and takes a sip of his own coffee. Deep down, he knows Reed is right. They may not be perfect, but they're still pretty fantastic.
SCENE
INT. MOVIE THEATER - DAY
The Human Torch, played by Michael Richards, is waiting in line to buy tickets for the latest blockbuster. He spots Thor, played by Chris Hemsworth, a few people ahead of him in line, and can't help but stare at his long, flowing locks.
TORCH: (whispering to himself) "Wow, look at that hair. I bet it's so soft and shiny."
He steps forward in line, getting closer to Thor. Suddenly, he can't resist the temptation any longer and reaches out to touch Thor's hair. But as his hand gets closer, it bursts into flames, accidentally burning off a chunk of Thor's hair.
THOR: (shocked and angry) "What in the nine realms was that?!"
Torch quickly recoils his hand, looking mortified.
TORCH: "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to. My powers just...kind of happen sometimes."
THOR: (angrily) "You dare to lay your hand on the Mighty Thor?! You shall pay for this, Human Torch!"
Torch backs away, still flustered and embarrassed.
TORCH: "I'll pay for your haircut, I swear!"
THOR: (fuming) "I do not need your petty money. You have made a grave mistake, Torch. I suggest you leave this place at once."
Torch nods, his face red with embarrassment, and quickly makes his way out of the theater.
SCENE
(The scene opens with the Thing sitting on the couch in the Fantastic Four's living room, holding a newspaper. Captain America enters the room.)
Captain America: Hey, Ben! How's it going?
The Thing: (Looking up from the newspaper) Oh, it's going all right. Except for one thing.
Captain America: What's that?
The Thing: Last time you were here, did you p*e on the toilet seat?
Captain America: (Taken aback) What? No, I would never do that!
The Thing: Are you sure? Because Sue said she found some...dribbles.
Captain America: (Defensive) I swear, Ben, it wasn't me. I'm a super soldier, I have perfect aim.
The Thing: (Skeptical) Hmm, I don't know. Sue said she saw some red, white, and blue stains.
Captain America: (Exasperated) That's ridiculous, Ben. I don't even wear my costume to the bathroom.
The Thing: (Grinning mischievously) Well, I guess we'll just have to set up a sting operation and catch the culprit in the act.
Captain America: (Rolling his eyes) Oh, great. Just what I need, to be accused of being a toilet seat p*e-er.
The Thing: (Chuckles) Don't worry, Cap. We'll get to the bottom of this.
(Cut to the hallway, where Reed Richards and Johnny Storm are standing.)
Reed Richards: (Confused) Why is Ben so obsessed with this toilet seat thing?
Johnny Storm: (Smirking) Because it's the closest he's ever come to catching a super villain in the act.
(Both laugh as the scene fades out.)
