28/01/2025
Married at First Sight- a review brought to you by therapeutic post operative doses of Panadeine forte.
I had surgery last Thursday, and am having a few weeks away from my legitimate journalism work. I make a terrible life decision, fueled by a sudden expanse of share time and clouded judgement due to narcotic ingestion, and watch MAFS for the first time.
Why have I never watched this before? I’d tell you it’s because I’m happily married, I couldn’t relate to the dating world and I was simply too busy perusing Pulitzer winning literature in my spare time. But honestly? It’s because I thought I was better than this. I have discovered that I am, in fact, not.
So. The show starts with views of the city and a couple of women in expensive looking Ubers on their way to “drinks”. The last drinks I had with friends we were in our pjs for and drank cheap red out of coffee cups, so I’m quite clearly not the target market for this.
But anyway. First, we meet Lauren. She’s looking for a traditional man, she tells us, as she dusts her plants while on camera.
Lauren is soon joined by a number of women, the only one I enjoy watching Jamie. Jamie is looking for a man who “looks like he’s done 10-20 years”. Jamie’s going to be fun.
We then swap to the men who drink beer instead of delicious fruity cocktails due to toxic patriarchy, and meet Elliott. Please note I’ve spelled his name wrong but am too high to battle autocorrect. He’s looking for a traditional wife. “Elliott’s threatening to walk out mid ceremony if he scores an ugly fatty” I explain to hubby who turns around during a break in his pub g game to ask if there’s been any rooting yet.
“That’s crazy!” Declares my beautiful spouse. “Even fuller girls need cuddles” he says as he wraps his arms around me. I choose not to take that personally and instead immediately zone out for the rest of the introduction drinks because it kind of feels like an icebreaker session at work and I want no part of that. I message the group chat to see if anyone is watching. My social standing in the group chat drops a few notches.
I switch back to watching and see that there’s going to be two weddings tonight Lauren and Elliot, and Paul- a French guy with commitment issues, and Carina- who is apparently left on the shelf and hoping to settle down before she has to start spending money on Botox. The second couple seem somewhat normal, in a stunning display of misdirection.
We start with Lauren’s wedding, who takes a break from plant dusting to fight with her crazy sister Tamara about who’s skinnier.
They take a slightly nicer Uber to the church where crazy Tamara says to Lauren “I can’t believe you’re going to go home with a random guy tonight” like they don’t do that on a somewhat regular basis.
Lauren says that she believes in traditional values and that men should be able to get home after work to unwind and shouldn’t be bothered with statements like “please unstack the dishwasher”. This immediately reminds me that the washing needs hanging out so I tell hubby to do it.
The ceremony is just beautiful, filled with vows that ignore the women’s liberation movement, and soon we are taken to their wedding dinner, seemingly held in a theatre because subtlety isn’t a thing on this show.
Tamara keeps interrupting the newlyweds in a shocking grab for attention as they ask each other touching questions like “what did you ask the producers for” and “so is the chick in the black dress a friend of yours or what”. Lauren pouts into camera 3 as she says “I was just trying to get to know my new husband”.
Suddenly we cross back to Paul and Carinas ceremony as the voiceover gives us the most unbelievable line of the night “meanwhile, across town” as if channel 9 can afford two camera crews working simultaneously.
We find Carina complaining to the producer that she’s already hooked up with this backpacker and can they like, get her someone new. The producer explains that the population of Sydney is only 5.4 million, so finding someone she hasn’t already swiped on will be challenging, and they encourage her to give frenchie a second chance. Paul meanwhile is dead keen, and regrets ghosting her. “I feel like this is the universe giving us, like, I mean that’s just how I feel” Paul explains. Shakespearean stuff.
Back to cocaine-eyed Tamara- she complains about the lack of vegetarian meals to underpaid wait staff, as Lauren apparently “hopes a nice sit-down meal will smooth things over with her sister” as they eat on a literal stage surrounded by boom mics. Tamara suddenly walks out, in a dramatic display that I assume is unheard of on this show, and Elliott takes a sip of his cheap red and begins to wonder if there isn’t a better way to launch his “Wellness business” on Insta.
We let Tamara wander off for another bump off camera and switch back to Carina and Paul and join them at their wedding reception. He announces he’s going to explain to his future in-laws about ghosting her after their hike quickie, and her dad approves of his “honourability”. The newlyweds agree that family is everything and they are chasing long-term marriages just like their parents. Well of course! Why else go on married at first sight?
Back to the Tamara show which is rudely interrupted by Lauren and Elliott having a first dance or whatever. We get to see a truly touching moment of marital bliss, and our eyes are treated to a romantic dancefloor display we haven’t seen since the charismatic appearance of mark Holden on dancing with the stars. “Get him into you Lauren”. ”She’s so frigid” chirps Tamara as they twirl while looking into each other’s eyes and seeing a future together.
She is dragged off by a producer who asks “what do you need?”. Her answer of “compensation” seems to be the first honest moment of tv I’ve seen in 90 minutes.
We slide back to Carina and Paul as they continue the age-old dilemma of “can I marry someone on national tv that I hooked up with then ghosted”?
They sit on the church steps and a producer quickly fans out her wedding dress for camera 2 to zoom in on. Are they crazy? Of course it will all work out fabulously well. They seem to agree as the panning camera shot reveals a substandard pash that reminds me of year 10 behind the bike shed at Wollongong High in 1996. It ends as the pull apart slowly with a Sydney bus going past in the background with a kfc commercial on the side. Precious memories.
Now, I don’t actually know if that’s where the episode ended or if there was more, but that was the point I passed out from narcotics. So, fellow love enthusiasts, until the next episode and the next whimsical search for true love.
