Orange Daily Weekly Monthly News

20/12/2024

Blayney has electricity now? Imagine the shock when they learn to read their electricity bills.

"We're going to need more and more of these."

04/12/2024

21/11/2024

In honour of my baby’s 16th birthday today- the current test isn’t relevant to our town AT ALL!

06/09/2024

It’s for work, I swear!

23/06/2024

Templer place resident Cheston Lothario wrote in the Grover community group “thank god we don’t have to look at those methamphetamine addicted housos today. By the way has anyone seen my dorper flock? They may or may not be missing.”

22/06/2024

Nailed it.

08/04/2024

We’re not going to say anything or pass judgment.
Please feel free to insert comments below.

🎉 Exciting news for Orange businesses!

Orange City Council is calling for expressions of interest from CBD businesses for the reuse of outdoor furniture from Lords Place for free. Enhance your space with seating, pot plants, shade structures and more.

👉Apply here: https://shorturl.at/hrTUY

20/03/2024

Our new advice column starts with a firecracker question from Susan, 38.
She asks: “Dear ODWMN, I’m in desperate need of cost of living advice. I enrolled my child in a local public school due to our extreme poverty of being fully employed middle class adults in 2024, and every day there’s a note on the app about soccer, dance, museum, athletics, swimming, music, art history and debate team. They all cost extra and I’m going broke! What can I do?”

Great question! First up we’d like to assure all our teacher friends that we love them and appreciate everything they do. Even though you guys are mandatory reporting narcs, you make the best drinking buddies and nights at Mr Lims would never be the same without you loose champions. But we’ve got some easy tips for you Susan!

🙌Why not start an only fans account as a fun side hustle! If you’re getting fu**ed over for $3.50 per sausage at the school bbq, why not charge people $350 to watch you take sausage?

🙌There’s never been a better time to rob a bank! Most bank robberies go unsolved, according to the drunken Wikipedia “research” I did after watching Heath Ledger be sexy as f**k in the movie ‘Two Hands’. Plus, with 60% of adults now overweight or obese in Australia, you’ll easily outrun the cops and security guards! Remember to only try this hack if you’re white, otherwise you risk getting shot.

🙌Speaking of obesity- you’ll never have to pay for rep soccer or cricket camp if you cut out veggies and simply fry all of your kids meals!

🙌Refuse to prepay for anything, and instead promise cash on the day. Then invite your in-laws up to attend the “grandparents day athletics carnival/easter bonnet parade” and make them front up the cash.

Hope that helps!

08/03/2024

Remember safety first tonight, guys.

21/02/2024

Reminder: it’s now the end of February. This is the time when we stop complaining about the potholes and poor roads and start complaining about all the roadworks. It took me an additional 3 minutes to get to Bills Beans East Orange this morning. WTF.

28/01/2024

Excited about back to school but dreading the monotonous torture of packing healthy lunches the kids don’t eat?
Miss the days of a plastic laden chip sandwich, packet of atomic blast tomato sambos and a golden circle juice with 85g of sugar?
Had a run in last year with Jenny?
We’re here to help with some simple, yet impressive Insta worthy lunches the kids won’t eat. You’re welcome, O-town.

28/01/2024

Our reporter inquired about possible completion dates for the Orange Sports Precinct, only to be met with hysterical laughter and shoulder shrugs.
“We’ve moved on to the next publicity stunt, mate”

26/01/2024

We put aside our disappointment at being overlooked for an O-town Australia Day commendation for our ongoing brilliant community journalism to bring you the January newsletter.

22/01/2024

A statement from Woollies* regarding Australia Day merch.


*this page is, and always has been satire. Please only send angry DMs if you understand this concept, cheers

11/01/2024

“She was rambling incoherently before she collapsed, but how were we to know that’s a sign of a brain haemorrhage? We just call that presenting the news” the producer claims.

04/01/2024

Yeah we’ll just leave this one alone.

'It was something I think I'll only ever see once.'

30/12/2023

“WHY WON’T YOU MO*********NG CONNECT??????!!!!!!!”