The Evening Harold

28/11/2023

13/11/2023

In light of today’s, frankly quite bonkers, new cabinet, we thought we’d dig into our archives and just remind you of this.

Any references to pigs and troughs with earn you a visit from PC Flegg.

PC Flegg - always looking out for the underdog, er, pig.

20/08/2023

It's a sunny Sunday evening in the village and all the fuss about The Football Match has died down. Eddie is still keeping the doors locked at the Squirrel Lickers though. He may have done what he threatened to do and bet last night's takings on the Lionesses bringing football home - well, at least as far as Dunstable anyway.

Mark Zuckerberg (or maybe Nick Clegg) has just reminded us of some old posts from years ago, which sent this member of the team scurrying off down a rabbit hole, reading comments from you lovely people.

Let's be honest, they were usually funnier than the articles and what made this village such a lovely place to be.

Probably best not to mention anyone's name, for fear of upsetting 'les autres'. Could always blame Cleggsy, I suppose ...

24/04/2023

https://eveningharold.com/2016/04/24/tragedy-after-fancy-dress-marathon-runner-turns-out-to-be-actual-escaped-gorilla/

London Marathon organisers were left red-faced today after an escaped gorilla, whom everyone assumed was a runner in fancy dress, went berserk and killed 15 people. The gorilla, an impressive male …

03/04/2023

More sage medical advice from Dr Evans. You can see him any morning at his clinic and any afternoon at the Squirrel Licker's Arms.

What indeed. Sometimes people think I’m a miracle worker, but there is only so much that a local GP can do. When two aspirin doesn’t fix the problem, you just have to accept that any recovery will …

02/04/2023

Evening Harold's cub reporter Mik Bulk goes undercover

by Mik Bulk – sniffing the news out, so you don’t need to. For years it seems, since the start, or earlier, the pr******te has been a thing to be bargained with (men and women). But wha…

30/03/2023

Vegan repeatedly insists she never even thinks about eating succulent bacon-wrapped pork tenderloin

A local vegan is absolutely adamant she never even thinks about eating succulent bacon-wrapped pork tenderloin, and she is sick of having to point this out multiple times a day. Julie Kettle, a sho…

27/03/2023

Just say N₂O

26/03/2023

Vampire killed in tragic daylight saving error

A failure to remember that the clocks had ‘sprung’ forward had tragic consequences for a 312 year old vampire this evening. Norman Dracula, from Dunstable, woke as usual at 7pm and decided to nip d…

18/03/2023

Aggressively tested - a series of product reviews by Evening Harold's Melody Hallet

As anyone familiar with the horse meat fiasco will tell you, it’s important to read the labels on our food these days. Sadly, that’s a task that proved difficult with Mrs Evans’ w…

17/03/2023

Some good news in these tough times

A young couple from Harold are ecstatic to have purchased their first printer ink cartridge before they turned 30. “It’s a dream come true to finally hold the HP 364 cartridge in our ha…

01/06/2022

Good morning dear Harold folk.

One of The Evening Harold’s team of writers, Wallster, aka Ian J Walls, is in the delightful position of announcing that his debut comedy horror novel, “Igor and the Twisted Tales of Castlemaine” is right now available to buy from all good ebook retailers. And Amazon.

Co-written with an old school friend, Richard L Markworth, it tells the story of Igor, yes the lickspittle lab assistant to Victor Frankenstein, who decides he’s had enough of the beatings and abuse at the hands of his psychopathic master and decides to strike out on his own. He ventures to the accursed village of Castlemaine, nestled deep in the Carpathian mountains, and there meets Esmerelda, the beautiful but occasionally violent daughter of the local murderous innkeeper.

Together they confront an array of monsters, villains, ghosts, mad scientists and worst of all, a terrifying nun with a huge sword and some rather dodgy bedroom habits.

Can Igor and Esmerelda overcome the terror that lurks like a grim, pestilent shadow over the poor simple folk of Castlemaine? Yes, probably, but you’ll have to read the book to find out for sure.

The paperback is due for release on 28th July and can be pre-ordered via the link below.

Imagine Hammer House of Python meets Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Mortuary. It’s a bit like that.

Whether you’re a hardened horror buff or a sacrificial virgin, you’ll probably quite like “Igor and the Twisted Tales of Castlemaine”.

You can follow the exploits of the authors on FB at Lickspittle Publications

https://www.troubador.co.uk/bookshop/contemporary/igor-and-the-twisted-tales-of-castlemaine/

12/05/2022

NHS stats are in the news and Mark Zuckerberg has reminded us of this from 2017. Spooky eh?
On a serious note, at least this weapons-grade arse is no longer involved.
Sorry, he's the Chair of what?

Walking evidence that a man with a stash of secret photographs hidden in a safety deposit box can keep his job whatever he does, Jeremy Hunt, says record figures revealed in a new report prove his …

24/04/2022

What is that eerie feeling that you've been here and done this before? Ooh, it's on the tip of my tongue ...

From our 2017 archive. We'd wondered if Cleggsy McCoy had torn it up to use as bedding. Or worse.

28/03/2022

Gwyneth Paltrow finishes Oscar acceptance speech

16 years, 5 months, and three days after being presented a best actress Oscar for ‘Shakespeare in Love’, Gwyneth Paltrow finally finished her acceptance speech. The emotional speech started at the …

01/03/2022

Spotted in Reddit Ukraine ..
4 hr ago
Reports indicate that Poland will transfer 23 Mig-29 to Ukraine. The US will provide Poland with F16s as replacement. Ukrainian pilots are already in Poland.
3 hr. ago
Interesting, sounds like a win-win. That’s how I did with my old iPhone, my mom got it, and I get to buy a new phone.
26 min. ago
Yeh, almost exactly the same situation

15/02/2022

Archive piece from 4 years ago. Job titles come and go but not much really changes...

https://eveningharold.com/2018/03/17/boris-johnson-to-be-swapped-for-russian-doll-in-tit-for-tat-exchange/

With tensions rising between Westminster and the Kremlin, the UK government is planning to send the Foreign Secretary to Russia. Kremlin officials say they will respond robustly and send a Russian …

12/02/2022

The Met has sent BoJo a questionnaire to fill in re Partygate. It's only right to give him a hand as answering questions about 20 parties is quite a workload and work was never BoJo's strong suit. We'll start the ball rolling. Party 1 - admiring a bust of Churchill all evening. Party 2 - affair with intern. Party 3 - at Pizza Express Woking with the kids (all of them). Add your best explanations in the comments.

01/02/2022

New York Times pledge to keep Wordle free to use.

31/12/2021

This popped up courtesy of Mr Zuckerberg, so we thought we'd sign off this brief festival of nostalgia with our 2015 New Year's Eve message to the village.

Tips 1-5 are strangely prescient - cue X-Files theme music 'whooeeh'

28/12/2021

Go on, admit it. You thought we'd forgotten (we had).

https://eveningharold.com/2014/12/28/today-is-lets-remember-the-daily-mail-supported-hitler-day/

It has been announced that December 28th is from now on to be the day when we should all remember that just prior to the Second World War, English newspaper the Daily Mail was actively supporting t…

26/12/2021

Husband asks wife whether gift of Christmas s*x comes with exchange card

The marriage of prominent Harold café owners Dominic and Pippa Delaney is under strain after Mr Delaney responded to his wife’s offered gift of Christmas s*x by asking whether it came with an excha…

25/12/2021

DWP force obese 900 year old man to do worldwide parcel delivery job

The DWP has ruled an obese 900 year old man ‘fit to work’, and fully capable of delivering millions of parcels on Christmas Eve. Department of Work and Pensions spokesperson Neville Satan defended …