At a Total Loss Podcast

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At a Total Loss Podcast

A podcast about conversations with Loss Moms about stillbirth, infant death, grief, & survival. I'm a Loss Mom to my beautiful son, Brody.

Born still at 37 weeks on January 18, 2022. The pain of losing him was unbearable so in order to survive I sought out conversations with other Loss Moms. It was these conversations that helped me in my darkest times, that gave me hope, that made me laugh, and that gave me words when I was at a total loss for them. I decided to record some conversations and start this podcast in hopes that these co

nversations will help any Loss Mom know that they are not alone. The life of a Loss Mom is excruciating, confusing and terrible, but we won't do it alone. We're in this together.

06/08/2024

What is it you wish people understood about the *behind the scenes* of what it takes to keep showing up after baby loss?

05/08/2024

If I have to hear "just stay positive" or "well you're almost there" ONE MORE TIME.

I honestly am just trying to vocalize that I struggle instead of lying and saying I'm not. I do not want it to be met with "You're good". Just respond with "this is definitely a challenging time for you and I recognize that." HOLY SH*T that would be great.

To respond with a dismissive blanketed positive remark only makes things worse.

Y'all frustrated with weird, simplified positivity??

02/08/2024

*But where is Brody?* This family photo was taken at Wolfy's birthday party. You can clearly see him, & you can see baby trey on the way. But where is Brody? In the beginning, we didn't leave the house without Brody's bear (and it was at the party of course) but did I run to grab it for an impromptu family photo? I did not. Did it feel weird? Yes it did. Was there some guilt? omg yes. Here's the thing...

Brody is not here. In spirit he is, I feel him all the time. But he is physically not here. In the beginning not having his bear for a family photo would have wrecked me, now, it's sometimes not possible. And I have to be ok with that.

It doesn't mean I don't love him, it doesn't mean he is forgotten, this is just life with an angel baby.

And I even look happy in this photo...because I am.

Pretty much why I'm always rocking some sort of jewelry. You can see my angel wings necklace, at least he is represented in some way.

And this isn't for attention or to run around reminding everyone...maybe it is...but it's mainly to let him know that he isn't forgotten.

I have 3 sons. You just can't see one of them. It will always be like that. Even in family photos.

And that's ok.

Y'all felt this incredible guilt sometimes?

01/08/2024

Weekends are for excuses...or in our case, facts 🙃

31/07/2024

I used to think that in order to honor Brody I had to completely focus on him. But as life moves forward, that just isn't realistic.

It felt like a betrayal at first. Then i started thinking "what would it be like if he were alive?" Would I focus 100% on him all the time? No I wouldn't, that would be wild. If I did, you'd be worried.

In a way, it was a relief to know this. But then I had to figure out how to integrate him into my days. That's the key word here; integrate.

It took some time to be *ok* with this set up & it's changed over the past couple of years. I anticipate it changing as I proceed through life.

But just know if you're in the thick of it, life will force you to focus on other things eventually, and that is absolutely OK.

30/07/2024

*This was not the plan*. Have you looked around & been like 'how the hell did I get here?' I was a very hard worker in life. I had goals that I always seemed to reach based on hard work, dedication & positivity.

And then, earth shattering, life altering, tragedy struck. My first baby, who I hoped for, planned for, loved so much, carried to term, died before he was born.

I didn't just lose him, I lost relationships, I lost myself, I lost everything I believed in, I lost the life that I knew, that I'd worked so hard for.

I still struggle with it, I won't lie. Did every single decision I ever made lead me to be the mother of an angel? If I had made one slightly different decision would this have happened?

I don't think I'll ever know. So I have to choose what I believe now, not what any well intentioned greeting cards, grief books, mediums, or religious figures want to say.

My life didn't go as planned. In a way it's freeing. In a way it's heart breaking, in a way it's exactly how one should live. But what a price to pay to reach this realization.

Life handed me one of the most brutal experiences a human can have. Then it forced me to handle it, to get up, to keep going, to make a new life for myself.

In this photo, I was hosting the first charity gala in honor of Brody. Holding a mic was not new to me, I had been doing it for a living as a host/MC for years. I was speaking to a sea of faces I'd known for decades. But in this moment, I realized life was different & I hated it. It all felt so foreign, that I couldn't even believe the words coming out of my mouth. It felt surreal. And sometimes it still does.

Life is now full of *hopes* not *plans* & I am wildly aware that it might not go the way I want.

Because at this point, life's in the drivers seat, & I'm just here for the ride. The bumpy, ugly, glorious, beautiful, unpredictable ride. And all I can do is buckle up.

29/07/2024

Have you found after loss that you just don't have the words to communicate how you feel to those around you?

I found that sharing the insight of others in this space at first was the best way to get my support circle to understand or at least get insight into how I feel.

This is why I've created my Support Guide. It's to share with those around you that might not *get it* yet and need some help as to how to better support you after stillbirth/baby loss.

The people who love us need help knowing what to do. Or in the very least, what not to do. I hope this guide helps them. ✨

It is free to download in my Stan Store. B🔗O

26/07/2024

And for my next performance, I will demonstrate how I fully function while blacking out from a trauma response. 🥇

25/07/2024

To the ones who got out and turned right back around, I am so very grateful and will forever do the same for the ones that go through this after me.

Who are the Loss Moms that grabbed your hand and helped you walk this nightmare?

24/07/2024

Have y'all connected on LossLink yet?

Go to LossLink.com and use promo code BRODY18 to join for just $1 during Launch month!

23/07/2024

Perspective changes after you experience the stillbirth of your baby. That means I am the 1 in the 1 in 160 statistic. Something I thought I would NEVER be.

Now, I realize that tragedy doesn't discriminate. That you can and might be that 1 again.

With my living son, I was an absolute basket case in the beginning. I was terrified. And I won't lie, I still am sometimes.

Every goodbye is the last one, every photo is the one I will cherish, every meal is the one that puts him in danger, every decision is life or death.

A lot of it was first time mom stuff like, oh I'm gonna fall over the stairs railing, or trip and fall into the water holding him, kind of weird thoughts. That's apparently normal. But it's definitely accentuated after loss.

I will say with time, it has gotten better. "Lived experiences" is what my therapist says. The more I live and see that he's ok, the better it will be.

I've also mapped out a game plan in case something happens. For when he's sick, what will I do/how will I handle it. If he takes a fall, etc. This has better equipped me to relax into life and let it all play out.

But my lens on life is different now. It is tainted with loss. And while that has been intense and hard to manage, it's also made me absolute cherish and adore the time I do have every. single. day. I'm constantly present when I'm with Wolfy so I can pay full attention to him and for that I am thankful.

I know y'all feel this. Let's help others feel less alone. How have you struggled with living kids and how have you dealt with it?

22/07/2024

I support it all. 🙃

Who do you send unfiltered & unhinged messages back and forth with?

18/07/2024

LOSSLINK.COM goes live at 12pm EST today! For the launch month, I'm offering the first month membership for just $1 so use the promo code BRODY18 at sign up!

Today is my son's 2.5 birthday and the 2 year anniversary of my podcast. Now we can add the launch of this private community for loss moms!

Head to LossLink.com to set up your profile and start connecting with other mothers with similar loss experience!

17/07/2024

This was the first question I asked the first loss momma I ever met. "Will I ever be able to breathe again?" But after hearing that the answer was yes, what I didn't know I also needed, was the permission to be able to again. And she gave me that too.

I've learned a lot from those who have done this before me and continue to travel alongside those doing it at the same time.

I am forever grateful...

Find your loss posse at LossLink.com

16/07/2024

Where is everyone located??

On LossLink, you can search for loss moms in your city or state to connect with. There's nothing like a Happy Hour, a coffee, a double date night or even a hug from another momma who understands how you feel. 🩷

15/07/2024

I only wanted insight from those who had done this before. And I continue to seek it throughout all phases of life after Brody.

Have y'all found it helpful to speak to other mothers who have experienced a similar loss before you?

Connect with those that get it. launching July 18th!

11/07/2024

For those who dare to even ask and educate themselves, pull up a chair.

10/07/2024

I wish it were a world where people were kind or compassionate when hearing about tragic loss when face to face, especially medical professionals. But they all are not. And setting myself up for devastation is just not in the cards anymore. So what did I do? Stopped setting my expectations at all. Therefore when someone does show kindness and compassion, I'm pleasantly shocked af 🙃

Y'all feel me?

09/07/2024

Do we not have anything else to talk about with me?? Damn, I must be boring.

08/07/2024

Even right after Brody was gone, it still took time to get here. I hate that he's not here, but I am happy that this is the point I've finally gotten to. It's freeing, especially when trying to navigate life with loss.

Do y'all relate at all?

05/07/2024

I'm sorry for my loss.

So you're uncomfy for a few minutes, imagine what the rest of my days are looking like. 🙃

04/07/2024

Some holidays are worse than others. For me, the 4th of July has been a tough one. Mainly because it's such a family holiday. One of the days all the kids dress in matching outfits kinda day.

Last year, we spent it in the NICU with Wolfy. So of course, this year, I'm so incredibly grateful that he is here with us. But, it's finally hit me that his brother isn't here too.

Such a weird existence. I'm able to celebrate and mourn at the exact damn time.

How do y'all feel about holidays?

03/07/2024

We have much to do.

02/07/2024

Yes, we are all responsible for what triggers us and I KNOW EVERYONE IS ALLOWED TO VOCALIZE THEIR STRUGGLES (can you tell I've had this conversation before 😒) However, this is just a PSA that it is understandable if a loss mom cannot give empathy to someone complaining about living children when theirs is gone OR about minor things that mean absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of things. (I found that with time, I have a higher tolerance to the latter.)

The amount of you who DM me saying how much you cannot handle complaining of any kind about little things after your baby has died. This is normal af for us.

I've actually had loss moms tell me that they've told these complainers that they can't listen to it as it breaks their heart even more and it hurts to hear. then the response was that they were selfish because everyone should be able to complain about their struggles...oh boy...

I'm not sure but if this were a different kind of loss, would you complain to someone's face about the very thing they would die for?

If you are totally unfazed by people who complain about living kids to you, that's fine. But if you are fazed to the point of feeling pain & can't take it, that's also fine.

Have y'all felt this?

01/07/2024

Am I being punked?

This life sometimes baffles me. Like, how did we get here and wtf is even going on?

30/06/2024

LossLink.com launches in 18 days! If y'all haven't already gotten on the waitlist, go to my Stan store in my bio to sign up!

I cannot wait to have this has a resource for loss moms looking for others with similar experiences. The connections and support from others who get it has been invaluable in loss life.

SO SOON!

28/06/2024

I had to realize that I couldn't prevent my anxiety from happening, especially during PAL, all I could do was expect it and figure out how to manage it.

What ended up happening was that my anxiety about having anxiety started to get better because I trusted that I was equipped to handle it.

Now, I won't lie, there were some days or situations where NOTHING worked to manage it. I admitted defeat and said that it would be better tomorrow.

What has yalls relationship with anxiety been like at this stage?

26/06/2024

LossLink is almost here which will make this SO much easier, but for now, here's what to do...
-Scan the comments for your city/town in Indiana
-When you see your location, comment to connect.
-If you don't see your location in Indiana, add it in the comments!

The idea behind this is YOU drop your city/town (in this state) in the comments so others can find you, message them and connect with each other once you see someone drop a location near you. I won't be setting up meetings or holding an event. Comment your location to connect with others for in-person meet ups!
It's important to find others in-person that can support you, who get it, that you can talk to.

It's been a game changer for me! Sometimes random support groups don't work, they don't have the grief vibe & you don't have similar losses. So I'm here to help you do it.

I absolutely love it when y'all message me that you've found your in person grief vibe so tag me or message me if you find your Loss Vibe Tribe! Share this to help mommas in this area connect!

**My goal is to help everyone out but I won't be held responsible for any interactions outside of this post. Do your own background research & meet up at your own risk**

24/06/2024

I will NEVER comment or give a strong opinion on something I know nothing about or have never experienced so why are these non loss people out here saying things about baby death when they have no idea what it’s like? I can’t with it.

My advice is just to stay away from these people. Not only is what they say potentially hurtful, the rage that they even can say it will get to you more. Guard yourself out there friends.

16/06/2024

To the most amazing father to your baby in your arms, your baby in heaven, and your baby on the way, you inspire me every single day.

Watching you continue to parent Brody & be an amazing dad to Wolfy everyday has been the biggest joy.

You embody what it means to love unconditionally & to support relentless. You are the best role model for our children because with you as their dad, they will no doubt be incredible human beings.

There are people who make life easier, and there are people who make every day easier. I am so lucky to be with a man who does both.

All of your boys love you, and so do I, today and everyday.

Happy Fathers' Day, .michael 💙

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http://www.KatherineLazar.com/

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On my "Anxiety During PAL" episode, I talk about how I handled the things that caused the most stress: What I could control vs what I couldn't and what I would do. This helped me TREMENDOUSLY. My focus was on so much prevention (ie Placenta issues, cord compression, PPROM, etc) that I had to realize there may not be things I can prevent so in that case, what's my gameplan, how would I handle it? This was at the advice of my fantastic therapist (also a loss mom) & my wonderful OB. I talk about a lot of other stuff. Have y'all listened yet? What was helpful?? You can find it in my Stan store in my bio also on Spotify, Apple, Google, and Amazon Podcasts. Oh and on my At a Total Loss YouTube Channel if you wanna watch my 1000 facial expressions. #babylosscommunity #pregnancyloss #infantlosssupport #miscarriages #stillbornmom #pregancylossjourney #ihadastillbirth #childlossawareness #stillbirthsurvivor #lossmom #lossmomsupport #infantloss #infantdeath #stillbirthmatters #bereavedparent #stillmom #babyloss #bereavedmom #lifeafterloss #babylosssurvivor #babylossadvocate #survivingstillbirth #stillbornstillloved #atatotalloss #stillbirth #losslink #infantloss #bereavedmom

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