The Broadway Beat

22/05/2024

“When I was a young kiddo, the big lights would inspire me, but when you pair those big lights with audio so compressed it sounds like a child’s electric toothbrush speaker… I’ll tell ya it’s just a migraine waiting to happen.”

by Steven Verdile. .NEW YORK, NY - As theatergoers exited Alicia Keys jukebox musical Hell’s Kitchen, they were shocked by the perfectly relevant tune that was blaring from those fun bicycle wagon people, more formally known as “pedicabs.” The nearby residents of the real Hell’s...

11/05/2024

"I submit to the siren song of a cup that will sit in my sink for weeks and a garment that shall be known as my Night Shirt.”

by Devin Wallace. .NEW YORK, NY - Seduced by the sweet pull of Earthly desire, theatregoer Jensen Bowman spent intermission succumbing to indulgence, purchasing not only a themed sippy cup, but also an oversized signed cast t-shirt. “I bathe in this Broadway bacchanal,” said Bowm...

08/05/2024

"This creative team has put in the hard work to make sure that one sentence in the second act gets the true message of this show across: that hate is bad, and that love is good, or whatever.”

by Ben Schrager. Instagram: .schrager. Twitter: .NEW YORK, NY. – In an act of solidarity that’s being lauded as “brave,” the latest musical adaptation of a man-in-a-dress comedy has added one line in the second act about accepting everybody, so now it’s totally okay.“Whe...

07/05/2024

“It’s so important that as an internationally-recognized organization of professional theatrical combat designers, we prioritize safety above all else. And if that takes a good sucker punch to the jaw to really drive home the point, that’s well worth it."

by Matt Keeley. .WASHINGTON DC - In a unanimous vote, the governing body of the Society of American Fight Directors upheld new changes to the organization’s Policy and Procedure to allow for a single good punch in order to establish dominance.“It’s so important that as an inte...

05/05/2024

While Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber could not be reached for comment, it is rumored that he’s working on a new musical in response called Everything Goes.

by Mike Abrams. .NEW YORK, NY - Tony Award-winning performer and known hip hop mogul Patti LuPone has announced the release of her new diss track called “Meet The Webbers.” The Broadway Beat was able to get an advance copy of the track to share a few lyrics: Dear Norma I’m sorr...

02/05/2024

At press time, Curgand’s coworkers were heard wondering aloud what category he would even be eligible for.

by Zach Raffio. .NEW YORK, NY - Local data entry specialist Max Curgand found himself shocked by this week’s Tony nominations, fully expecting himself to receive a nod, even though they don’t give those out for what he does.“Awards are nice, but that’s not why we do it. We do it f...

21/04/2024

“He really needs this phone. It has all his vacation pictures and all his games."

by Zach Raffio. .NEW YORK, NY - The latest Broadway revival of Cabaret is making waves after set designers have completely gutted and ripped apart the August Wilson Theatre, in an effort to find actor Eddie Redmayne’s lost Samsung Galaxy S23.“The theatre is completely unrecognizable -...

19/04/2024

Pretend that it never happened.

Just pretend. Imagine what it would’ve been like to not grow up weird. You never know, maybe that will work somehow.

by Kevin Burke. .Acting is an art form unlike any other. Although you’re given a script to follow, you’re expected to make each part your own by making strong acting choices on stage. However, making strong choices may be hard for you if your parents once brought you to divorce court ...

13/04/2024

"I see it every day among BFA musical theatre classes, high school thespian clubs, even just random groups of tenors,”

by Allison Mintz. .GREENPOINT, BK. - All social activity came to a screeching halt when the 12 members of Dune Studios’ Finding Your You: Exploring Exploration acting class realized that they had run out of combinations of people in the class who could hook up.“I know it sounds cra...

23/03/2024

"My own room, three meals a day…from what I’ve heard, that’s more than some performance contracts offer."

by Sara Nicole.RALEIGH, NC. - The name on everybody’s lips is Julia Briggs, a struggling performer who has been making headlines due to her recent incarceration and lack of talent, sources report. “I would say I’m a triple threat: meaning that I sing, dance, and sell counterfeit Newsies merch ...

21/03/2024

“My son could never maintain the lisp before. He could sing and dance, but the lisp would go in and out. That night? He was magnificent, unfortunately.”

by Rachel Mans McKenny. .CHANDLER, Ariz. - Attendees of the Chandler City Players production of The Music Man were surprised by more than the choreography when it was discovered that the auditorium had a slow gas leak.“My son could never maintain the lisp before,” noted Maralyn...

03/03/2024

It turns out funky-colored coats are NOT adequate protection from sandworms.

by HaleyJane Rose. . ARRAKIS - Yeah, this one’s on us. We put Jacob and Sons from the musical Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat on the desert planet from Dune and they really quickly perished. Turns out there’s eleven more angels in heaven. We thought it would be a fun g...

01/03/2024

"I still can’t figure out how they did that pyrotechnics stunt with the onions!”

by Luke Maynus. .maynus. NEW YORK, NY - One of the most fun and rewarding parts of seeing a theatrical production is staying by the stage door after the show for a chance to see your favorite performer in person! Calvin Anderson, a New York City tourist, has “stage-doored” every piece of li...

27/02/2024

“I was going to just sit and clap politely, but then as soon as the lights went down the man in front of me rocketed up, so I assumed I had to join in or I would look like a real as***le."

by Garrett Brown. . NEWARK, NJ – Local theatre enthusiast Jacob Appleton appeared to be in shock after realizing that his rush to reach the bathroom had instigated a standing ovation for a local production of Romeo and Juliet. “I wasn’t going to be the person who walked...

23/02/2024

"Stacy is built… different.”

by Caitlin Bitzegaio. . ELMONT, NY – Stacy Ono, a local Long Island woman, is being heralded as a hero by her community for bravely posting her TodayTix lottery entrances on social media without shame. “I enter the Sweeney Todd lottery every week,” said Frankie DeBoer, Ono’s Queens...

18/02/2024

Please help me get out of here! I don’t know how - maybe zoom in and out? NO. Stop doing that. That’s terrifying. It’s like you’re shaking me in a snow globe.

by Caitlin Bitzegaio. . NEW YORK, NY - Help! I’m stuck in the Telecharge interactive seat map! I was looking for the best seats to take my niece to see Wicked for her birthday. I was agonizing over the options between center mezzanine and left aisle orchestra. I stared at the screen too ...

16/02/2024

In 2012, Soderbergh delighted audiences with Magic Mike, and a few years later, I released my thematic companion piece Magic Mike Live Vegas Show via a special Google Drive link.

by Garrett Brown. . As an up-and-coming filmmaker, it is distressing to see how much gatekeeping there is amongst artists in New York City. Specifically, gatekeeping from the House Staff at the Winter Garden Theatre, who removed me last week from a matinee performance of Back...

13/02/2024

"My employer feels that anyone who doesn’t go to this sort of effort isn’t a true fan at all.”

by Nat Hrvatin. . NEW YORK - Several sources have reported seeing a mysterious figure lurking under The Majestic Theatre’s marquee, wondering aloud about a revival of The Phantom of the Opera. Clad in the Phantom’s signature black cape, the figure bears the exact height, voice, and ov...

09/02/2024

“It’s a bummer to learn he was just pretending in order to get a date, but hey, aren’t mistakes like these what growing up is about?”

by Zach Raffio. . NEW YORK, NY - It’s about time, man! Tony-nominee Patrick Page has agreed to finally stop making his voice deeper just to impress his crush, relieved sources have confirmed. “I just thought she’d take me more seriously if I had a deeper voice. You know, think I was...

09/02/2024

"We will create SIX fans for life… well, at least for the duration of their life.”

by Mike Abrams. . NEW YORK, NY - The Broadway musical SIX has announced an innovative new “Royalty Program” for repeat Queendom visitors, with prizes that include a SIX branded ring light after the third visit and a beheading after the sixth visit. “We are excited to offer this...

31/01/2024

If not, she’ll be raised as my apprentice. Outside the world of outdated social views of female sexuality. Where she can live without male judgment and kiss on the very first date.

by Matt Keeley. . Evening, Commissioner. By now, you’ve realized that your daughter won’t be coming home from daycare today. Don’t worry, she’s safe. For now. To keep her that way, you’ll need to DO what top international law enforcement agencies could not, and find me: Sh...

24/01/2024

"The whole team is one big family - so much so that we even share beds whenever we’re lucky enough to have an overnight stay.”

by Ben Schrager. Instagram: .schrager. Twitter: . SANTA FE, NM. – After finishing his fourth performance of the day as Jack Kelly, touring actor Jimmy Montrese reportedly began to suspect that the non-union tour of Newsies he was currently on might be missing the point. “I can.....

23/01/2024

"My marriage fell apart during this rehearsal and I thought the audience should know how it’ll impact the show.”

by Maddy Lanning. POUGHKEEPSIE, NY — Middle school drama teacher Mrs. Beatrice Naughton practiced her curtain speech for weeks before delivering it on the opening night of Music Man Jr. at Poughkeepsie Middle School, which clocked in at three hours - one hour and 33 minutes longer than the show it...

20/01/2024

When asked if she’d ever offered Abbott a role, Stubin said, “Oh yeah, no. She’s not really right, you know? So good though.”

by Sarah Lasko. . NEW PALTZ, NY – In a surprise turn of events, it was announced that actor Cassie Abbott is actually so rare a talent that there aren’t any roles in the musical theatre canon fit for her. “She has that certain something that’s indescribable, a je ne sais quoi of ...

17/01/2024

That’s right, you little minx! You better strap on those Annie Can Can Laducas and get to Ripley Grier. All those drunk ci******es you swore would stop after college have finally paid off!

by Katie Toledo. . NEW YORK, NY – With audiences clamoring for the upcoming transfer of West End’s sexy, slutty reimagining of the beloved classic Cabaret, The Broadway Beat is thrilled to deliver an exclusive announcement that after its initial kickoff led by Gayle Rankin and Eddie ...

13/01/2024

"I already bought my seat, and the two drink tickets required for entry.”

by Sarah Lasko. . NEW YORK, NY. – Brooklyn-based actor Cormac Hancock recently announced on social media that he would finally be making his Off-Broadway debut in a brand new musical, with the jury still out on his somewhat reckless definition of "Off-Broadway." “I always knew he’...

06/01/2024

“I tried to explain to him that if he really wants to get an autograph from Lynn Nottage, he can just try to meet her, or maybe write a good play and network with her. But if having her lawyers tell him to 'cease plagiarism' is enough for him, I guess that’s his prerogative.”

by Garrett Brown. . BOSTON – In what was becoming a yearly holiday tradition, gathered family gave a large collective groan when Reed Quaid went to get his “Playwright Autograph Book,” which was nothing more than a collection of cease and desist letters from the respect...

02/01/2024

“I’m usually not this sentimental about a new show so I hope you all understand the gravity of this news,” posted Stephanie Jackson as she straddled a Swiffer Wet Jet struggling to stay in frame.

by Mike Abrams. WASHINGTON HEIGHTS, NY – Tik Tok theater influencer teases fans with a new post sharing that she has landed her dream role, but the video only contains a few clues since her contract prevents her from sharing the details. The main clue - she posted while covered he...

30/12/2023

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24/12/2023

“If I find out anyone is trying to skirt the rules, they won’t get a lump of coal - they’ll get flagged. They’ll also get a lump of coal.”

by Zach Raffio. . NORTH POLE - Santa Claus is coming to town! You best believe he’s making a list, he’s checking twice, and he’s gonna find out if you’re a non-equity actor trying to attend an equity call. “Most people focus on just the Naughty and Nice lists, completely ignorin...