The Emory Spoke, 201 Dowman Drive (2024)

14/01/2022

"When asked how this collusion fit in with Emory’s 2036 mantra, Fenves smiled. 'We weren’t kidding when we said ‘the future starts now.’ Emory is always on the cutting edge of innovation, and our innovation in cutting access to our financial aid packages is no exception.'"

The New York Times and Wall Street Journal reported on Monday that a lawsuit was filed accusing Emory, alongside 15 other top-tier institutions, of

08/01/2022

"Later, one of the spectators noted that the detail ‘really sold his performance’. When asked if he had any final statements for the court, Mr. Storm requested ‘an animal and mode of transportation from the audience’. He was denied both requests."

32-year-old Brian Storm got himself in hot water this week when he wrote off several false expenses on his taxes. A full-time improv actor at Atlanta’s On

22/11/2021

The album will take on many of the same issues prevalent in “Little Sophomore Girl,” with “Teaching Blows (I Should’ve Bought That Vineyard)” and “Class Participation Is Low, Time for Violent Crimes.” Other songs on the album, like “You Made My Smoothie Wrong, Bitch” will explore entirely new tantrum-inducing topics. There will even be a sensual track for lovers entitled “Teenagers Are Basically Women.”

In a scandal that has proven that the Oxford campus gets to have some relevance once in a blue moon, a professor’s song “Little Sophomore Girl” has been

14/11/2021

"Gary Fenves is a structural engineer, professor, and college administrator who is the twenty-first president of Emory University in Atlanta, Georgia. Little known fact he was also the ghostwriter for OJ Simpson’s best seller, 'If I Did It.'"

After months of borderline stalking, we at Emory Spoke finally convinced Gary Fenves to sit down with us to answer the questions that have been in every

07/11/2021

"It proves that what started as a silly trend will last for a long, hard, and throbbing impact on the morale of Emory’s student body – though Dooley might need the help of some Vi**ra."

We’ve all seen the TikTok trend of the adorable 13-year-old pug, Noodle, and his owner’s daily test of whether or not he wakes up with “bones” and is able

06/11/2021

"It’s important for the poor to feel like they’ve earned their money. A great way to walk this line is to always carry a tiny hat and cymbals so that, should the need arise, you can give them to the poor and gather a crowd around to chant “Dance monkey! Dance! DANCE!” The stinky dirty poor will feel respected and grateful – the perfect tactful response."

It’s happened to all of us. You’re having a mundane conversation with a peer and suddenly they give you some quizzical look at the mention of a one

01/11/2021

"The Emory Climate Coalition is calling for the school to create an actual plan to reduce carbon emissions. This seems unlikely however, considering the school's love for indoor AC units and general disdain for students' interests.

When our reporter asked President Fenves whether Emory will revise its current climate plan, he answered by saying,

"'Revise this dick'"

The school year has just begun and Emory's resident climate justice warriors have already started shoving their eco-activism down students' throats.

28/10/2021

"Listen up thotties, I know you don’t have your Hauntlanta costume yet, but don’t fret my sweet s***s, I have just the thing. Here’s some of the easiest, sexiest, Spoke approved Halloween costumes for all you last minute planners out there to throw together that are guaranteed to get that boy in your chemistry class to finally see you as more than just a lab partner."

Listen up thotties, I know you don’t have your Hauntlanta costume yet, but don’t fret my sweet s***s, I have just the thing. Here’s some of the easiest,

21/10/2021

"The guy in the now-infamous snap said that he enjoyed the attention he got from the mix-up, currently going by the affectionate nickname “Mr. Kentucky Derpy” within GPhi."

Alcohol-filled blood was spilled on Eagle Row this past weekend after a snap apparently depicting Jack Harlow “letting off steam” at GPhi spread faster

08/10/2021

"So come on, Emory. You didn’t think twice about going to Kaldi’s when it failed its health inspection. Why is this any different? Just drop trou in your public bathroom that you share with 50 other people and descend into my soupy depths."

Hey. It’s me, The Dobbs Bathtub. Maybe you forgot about me. But I’ve been here, biding my time as you all belittled me and threw up in your mouths at the

07/10/2021

"In a f**k-up comparable only to the Great Reply-All E-mail Chain of 2019, the College of Arts and Sciences mistakenly e-mailed a list of courses that were not approved for instruction for the Spring 2022 semester to the entire undergraduate population."

In a f**k-up comparable only to the Great Reply-All E-mail Chain of 2019, the College of Arts and Sciences mistakenly e-mailed a list of courses that were

29/09/2021

"All Kaldi’s had to do was look at their menu, and eliminate all the hits. Sweet Potato Hash? Gone. Iconic late night staple The Flatbread™? Permanently Banned. Decadent Quesadilla? Don’t even think about it."

Our post-Covid world has seen the fall of many great establishments. Slice & Pint was an early casualty, closing during *checks notes* January 2018.

19/09/2021

"'Her eyes stopped dilating, which was a relief, but when it was time for her to push, I saw a different side of her. She started keyboard slamming and yelling slurs, which was really awkward because I’m half-jewish. This was not the same woman I raw-dogged in the CVS parking lot nine months ago.'”

It was July 28th, the day of the bar exam, and Judy Schul was ready. A lifelong overachiever with a knack for argument, it seemed as though the bar would

15/09/2021

"Maybe Swoop couldn’t take the pressure. Maybe he did it because it would make us seem more like Cornell or other suicide-prone Ivys. Regardless of the larger reason, Swoop provided a specific blame, trigger, person, etc. for his actions with each of his tapes. The Spoke got first access to these tapes, and there are certainly some highlights"

“Hey, it’s Swoop. Swoop the Eagle. Don’t adjust your… whatever device you’re hearing this on. It’s me, live and in stereo. No return engagements, no

08/04/2021

"Dooley shouldn’t exist, his soul should have moved on, but here Dooley is: parading around campus, causing chaos, and being celebrated for an entire week. A week beginning the day after the celebration of Christ’s resurrection no less! From this, it is clear that Dooley is a Pagan god sustained by the vicious festivities of SPC."

Now I’m sure everyone knows that Dooley’s Week has begun. Every year, Emory’s Student Programming Council goes to great lengths to shove their posters and

05/04/2021

"But who has the political expertise to craft such a coup? Who’s extracurricular activities have allowed them to meet both Jesus and Buddah? Who has the most artfully created website and YouTube channel of any professor this side of the space-time continuum?

That's right. Dr. Bourtney Crown."

Kids who didn’t get enough attention from their parents growing up have been reeling this week, as accusations arose of fraudulence and code violations in

26/03/2021

"Consider this. Everyone was there to see Biden. But Biden never appeared. Was he ever here? Who’s to say that he even visited in the first place. It’s possible his speech was pre-recorded."

It seems like the President’s visit to Emory University last week wasn’t as innocent as we once thought. While the campus was being outfitted to be a red

25/03/2021

"In the late-stage capitalist society of Emory, SPC functions as a propaganda tool that maintains the oppressive power of the bourgeoisie class, led by none other than President Fenves."

Listen up, sheeple. It’s time that we as a university recognize the gross human rights violations that have been taking place on our campus for nearly a

10/03/2021

“Teachers just don’t get it, this has been my hardest year yet,” says Blackman, who has consistently referred to his notes/cellphone ever since classes went online. “It’s like they don’t even care.”

After fervently complaining to his friends, junior Jared Blanman has once again pointed out his academic hardships, despite having cheated on all of his

25/02/2021

These virtual sisters are not only programmed to exemplify each chapter’s individual values — be they remembering to each or navigate their way around the virtual lodge — but they’re also sure to raise the reputation of the chapter (very Ravasheen!).

With COVID-19 eliminating Greek Life’s ability to host in-person events (wink wink), and an upsurge in conversations about the institution’s racist

24/02/2021

"Outdoor Emory, one of the few clubs whose whole model is built on being outside, has recently attained all the certifications and permits necessary to offer bridge bungee jumping."

Outdoor Emory, one of the few clubs whose whole model is built on being outside, has recently attained all the certifications and permits necessary to

23/02/2021

Everyone’s favorite adult performer recently announced a plan to increase his subscription price by 4%. To some, this may seem like a small price to pay, but given the financial hardships brought on by the pandemic, many h***y Emory students are feeling unheard and left behind. We on the Spoke Editorial Board implore Dooley to reconsider his plan.

Everyone’s favorite adult performer recently announced a plan to increase his subscription price by 4%. To some, this may seem like a small price to pay,

22/02/2021

"'Look, the name of the website was Dancing Divas, and all the names on the website sounded like girly names: Dixie Normous, Ginger Vitus. Ophelia Coxx! Those are girl names!'"

The fraternity Sigma Chi, known for its nobility and astute sense of character, has a longstanding tradition of cordially hiring the services of

16/02/2021

ADPi’s party planning committee spent hours trying to come up with the best possible bid day theme of 2021, that would not only say, “We are hot, popular, fun women,” but also “We acknowledge the atrocities committed by our ancestors,” and the Black Lives Matter bid day theme was formed.

After the horrible events of this past year, activism has evolved to new heights, and no organization has better encapsulated racial equality than

15/02/2021

"As you move forward in your illegal-in-all-states-but-Alabama endeavors, keep in mind that you only get one chance to really get it right because after the first time you try, your mom will most likely kick you out of the house for being a dirty mo********er. Literally."

Some would say spending Valentine's Day with your mom is a total drag, pathetic even. What they overlook is the perfect chance to delve into the intrusive

14/02/2021

Happy gifting this Valentine’s day, lovers!

For the last minute date: a Panettone There’s nothing sexier than sharing a sweet Italian bread packed full of fruits and nuts! And who wouldn’t be

11/02/2021

"That’s right, in a daring new multimillion dollar ad, Subaru has worked hard to highlight authentic q***r love while showcasing their SUV safety features."

Although we at the Spoke don’t have a clue about how football works, watching Superbowl commercials helps us keep our fingers on the pulse of the American

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