18/07/2024
Revealing Secrets
Mash'ail Al-Isa says:
Today I bestow upon my pen the honor of revealing secrets, the secrets of loss.
My repentance was not the result of harsh circumstances or a sudden ordeal. I enjoyed every form of luxury and freedom in everything. I embodied secularism in its true sense. The ideas and plans of the modernists were my approach and my constitution, their books lined up in my library. My pen was tutored by the poetry of Nizar Qabbani, and abandoning the hijab was a dream that tickled my imagination. Driving was my primary issue, and I advocated for it on every occasion, exploiting the circumstances of those around me to convince them of its necessity.
I wished to be the first to translate the idea of driving into a tangible reality. I spent many sleepless nights planning to achieve this dream. As for liberating the Saudi woman from the beliefs and ideas of past centuries, educating her, and instilling resistance to men in her, I had fully absorbed these concepts.
I aimed to highlight the tyranny and selfishness of the Saudi man, presenting the liberated man on a golden platter as someone who understands women and uncovers the treasures of their femininity, placing them alongside him.
I distorted the image of the religious man, portraying him as someone who acquired roughness and harshness from the desert, treating women as he treated his camels, driving them through the wilderness. Music, which I called the food of the soul, was my companion from morning until dawn. Dancing in all its forms was a sport that treated the burdens of worries.
I consistently supported Freud's theories with real-life examples, attributing marital problems to repression and psychological complexes stemming from old-fashioned parenting methods used by our parents. My ideas gained high and distinctive renown among women in society. I followed this pattern for many years.
One day, while sitting in a market square, I noticed a young man whose appearance indicated religiosity: a short thobe, calm demeanor, and lowered eyes. He seemed to be in his twenties. His calmness intrigued me, and strange thoughts, very unusual for me, began to occupy my mind.
Satisfaction was evident on his face, and his steps were steady despite what I considered a lost cause, he and the few who belonged to his group were challenging a mighty giant (progress and civilization) and still fighting. Internally, I mocked him and his group, but I couldn't deny my admiration for his steadiness. I respected those who embraced their ideas and stood by them despite modest efforts, small numbers, and the difficulty of convincing people of what I called repression.
I tried to analyze the situation and said to myself:
"Perhaps these committed individuals turned to religion due to failure, adopting religious slogans to gain attention. But among them are scholars, doctors, and those with a rich history who once ruled the world from the farthest East to the farthest West. Or maybe it's about rising above desires."
At this point, I became confused. Rising above desires meant repression, and repression doesn't produce civilization!
I tried to forget this internal dialogue, but my mind wouldn't let it go. From that time on, I was in turmoil.
I lost the pleasure I used to find in my books, with all kinds of music and dance, and with people in general. I realized I had lost something, but what? I didn't know. I secluded myself to figure it out.
I sought help from psychiatry, but to no avail.
I lost the previous feeling; I felt nothing. Everything was tasteless and colorless.
I went back to the starting point. When did the change happen?
It was after that dialogue!! I wondered, I could get everything I wanted. So, what was happening to me?
Where were my loud laughs? My never-lost debates? The evening gatherings and dancing? How did my body become this heavy?
Every time I tried to write, I found myself randomly scribbling on the blank page, filling it with lines and shapes that had no meaning, while inside me, a storm of confusion raged!
I began to question this music flowing into my ears. I no longer felt its beauty! If it were the food of the soul, my soul should now be a green meadow.
And what about those books whose authors I respected and believed in? Why do their words fail me now and no longer ignite my passion as they used to?
A startling question arose: Are these Westerners really better than us?
Are they really better than us? And how?
Technology?
How has technology served women there?
It served the Western man, but where is the woman? With him at work! Another dancing in a club to the tunes of instruments invented by man! Another serving the alcohol made by man and labeled with different names!
I discovered a truth more bitter than gall...
Man advanced, secured his comfort, and shirked his rights and duties. Even in his madness, he made women an exhibition for whatever came to his imagination, inventing dances of all forms:
Dancing while standing, sitting, lying down, upright, and upside down... The dancer danced as the musician desired,
He desired her as an actress, so she played all roles that catered to his desires, from r**e to perversion, any role, every role!
He desired her naked on the beach, and she stripped!
I discovered the great deception in the slogan of women's liberation. If a man calls for it, it's to reach women,
Then what do they want to liberate women from? The hijab??
Why the hijab?
It's a worship like prayer and fasting.
I would have deprived myself of it if it weren't for the mercy of my Lord. They want to liberate me from obeying my father and husband, who are my protectors after Allah.
Father and husband are my protectors after Allah, they want to liberate me from repression, how did they name chastity and purity repression?? How??
What have they gained from sexual freedom?
Diseases and loss!!
They liberated women as they claimed, took her out of her home to toil like a man, and children got lost!!
And today, they study the loss of children.
Damn them and damn my small mind for believing them!
How did I not see our progress with women holding on to their hijab?
How did I advocate for driving??
With women's driving, the hijab falls, and then the woman falls.
After this, I understood my ailment and that of all the youth.
First: Our main problem: we only know Islam by name and traditions inherited from our parents as if it were an imposed reality.
Second: We didn't realize the true method of invasion.. They numbed us with desires.. Distracted us from the Quran and religious sciences. It's a well-planned strategy, numb and then amputate, and we don't know.
I turned to Islam from the very beginning, from books of monotheism to jurisprudence, and with the words of Ibn al-Qayyim, I returned to Allah. With the miraculous linguistic, pictorial, scientific, and astronomical aspects of the Quran and more... I regretted every moment I wasted flipping through books written by minds wiped by Allah and blinded.
The Quran was a miracle before me; I never tried to understand its content or attempt to interpret it. I removed from my home and heart all tools of loss and heedlessness, and when the love for tunes left my heart, I found the sweetness of honey emanating from reading the verses of the Quran, and I discovered the greatest love: I loved Allah, the Almighty. I wore the correct Islamic hijab with humility, tranquility, and conviction, feeling Allah's satisfaction with me. I understood with it the words of Allah (And I did not create the jinn and mankind except to worship Me) in my stillness, movements, food, and drink, I felt its great meaning.
I began to look forward to the night eagerly to converse with the Beloved, complaining to Him of my intense longing to meet Him, and to meet the Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, and a yearning for his noble companions and pure wives.
Finally, a word to everyone who hears my story:
Do not reject your religion before you know it well, because if you know it, you will never abandon it, sacrificing family, wealth, children, and self for it.
Author: Masha'il Al-Isa
May Allah bless her as a Muslim woman, her words are worth their weight in gold.
