Sunnie Mummie - The Parent Coach

31/07/2022

That sounds like a pretty low bar, but in all honesty, it’s all I set out to do when I became a mum of two kids.

I had no lofty goal. I had no illusion that my kids would be BFFs. I guess you could say that I had realistic expectations. I reckoned that they each would have:
- Their own unique personality
- Their own preferences
- Their own set of friends.

Hence, from the get-go, I had no fantasy about them becoming “perfect siblings”. I just thought, “oh boy, this thing would be a success if they don’t hate each other!”

😅😅

With that goal in mind, I navigated sibling dynamics quite differently from the traditional norm.

What is the norm? I saw parents around me placing what I would call ‘traditional expectations’ on the older child.

Typically, I overhear parents telling the older / oldest child:

- “You are the older sister, so you have to give in to the younger one” (Hello, was it her fault that she was the first to be born? If not, why penalize her for something she could not control?)

- “You must set a good example for your siblings, because you are older” (Faulty logic and honestly, just a very lousy motivator for good behaviour. In short, it doesn’t work!)

- “No, you can’t do that. If I allow you to do that, the younger ones will want to follow you.”

Whenever I overhear such exchanges, my immediate thought would be, “Woah… that’s the fastest way to make your older child resent his/her siblings!”

True enough, over time, I often saw the dynamics play out to their logical conclusion:

- Resentment: The older child hates being held ‘responsible’ for the shenanigans of the younger ones

- Entitlement: Because she ‘suffered’ for being the older one, she feels entitled to throw her weight around: “You all better listen to me okay, because I am older than you”

- Threats & Emotional Blackmail: Not only did this faulty logic not work, it also gives the younger ones a trump card to wield around, such as: “You must give in to us, because you are Jie Jie… If not, we will complain to Mummy / Daddy that you didn’t give way to us.”

🤨🤨

Can you see how parents unwittingly weaponise the birth order, and unknowingly create resentment between siblings?

Imagine being told by your manager at work: “Sorry ah, you will get paid less than So-and-so, even though your work and work attitude are better, because he/she happens to be 4 years older than you.”

Would you be happy?

If not, why do we think our children would be happy to accept such flawed and faulty logic?

How patently unfair! We would never accept that being done to us, so why in the world do we impose that on our kids?

🤔 🤔 🤔

So if I spurned the traditional approach, what then did I do instead? I would sum up our approach this way:

1. In our household, age is neither an advantage or disadvantage.
- I don’t expect more of my older child simply “because you are Jie Jie (older sister)”.
- In the same vein, I don’t expect less from my younger child just because she is younger (within age appropriate limits, of course).
- This places them on equal footing, in that, right is right and wrong is wrong, regardless of birth order. (Because, why would you penalize someone simply for being the first to be born?)

2. Choices — not age and birth order — determine our responses to our children’s behaviour.
- We compliment or correct based on their actions and choices.
- That means saying “Could you help me fold the laundry please?”, rather than “You have to help me fold the laundry because you are older.”

🔫🔫🔫

The problem with weaponizing age and birth order is that you end up creating resentment which, left unchecked, will grow into full-blown bitterness.

Bitterness is like that insidious, never-say-die seedling that sprouts up from the cracks in the pavement.

If given even the smallest entry point into the sibling relationship, bitterness takes root, grows, and ends up ruining the relationship between siblings.

**

Caveat: Now if the ‘traditional’ approach has worked for your family thus far, good on you!

But if you are grappling with strained sibling relationships, and would like a parent coach like me to coach you from the sidelines, helping you improve your parenting game — message me and let’s set up that coaching call ☎️

14/07/2022

As a parent, how easy are you to be around? ☺️

Using feedback I received from middle schoolers while conducting a simple yet powerful exercise described in my latest book, , I’ve discovered a short list of behaviors adults can avoid to increase their chances of being invited into the sacred spaces of kids’ lives.

EASY-TO-BE-AROUND ADULTS…

• Don’t always expect conversation. They accept that quiet is needed – and even welcome or create periods of connective silence with the kids they love.

• Don’t take bad attitudes and grumpy dispositions personally. Easy-To-Be-Around Adults know fear and anxiety often present themselves as defensiveness, sarcasm, and control. When these characteristics are present, it is not a call to lash back, ignore, or lecture, but rather a call to be calm, compassionate, and curious.

• Don’t interrogate. Instead of peppering kids with questions, Easy-To-Be-Around Adults make themselves available and approachable. When the young people DO talk, the adult sets aside what they are doing to express genuine interest.

• Don’t judge decisions. Maybe it’s not the choice the adult would have made, but that does not mean it’s wrong or won’t result in a learning experience. Easy-To-Be-Around Adults express curiosity instead of judgment by saying something like: “I’d like to hear more about why you took that route.”

• Don’t have all the answers. It’s hard to be around someone who knows it all, especially when it comes to one’s own personal life. Throughout a teen’s path to independence, Easy-To-Be-Around-Adults serve as a trustworthy sounding board.

• Don’t expect perfection. Easy-To-Be-Around Adults communicate that mistakes are part of life. Not only do they commend kids for owning their mistakes, but they also share their own, becoming a safe person to turn to when things go wrong.

• Don’t comment on appearance. Easy-To-Be-Around Adults trust that their kids are showing up in whatever way they feel most comfortable. They accept young people “as is,” knowing that even the most well-intentioned “suggestions” regarding appearance feel like rejections of who they are.

By Rachel Macy Stafford, from the book

*Feel free to add what you find makes an Easy-To-Be-Around-Adult in the comments. I believe these characteristics are welcomed by people of all ages, not just kids and teens.

*If you would like information on ways you can offer guidance to kids & teens that honor their self-expression and bolster their self-esteem & independence, please refer to my book. It is all there.

Image description: On a white slide in a scrap of notebook paper with a peach colored paper clip. In red text, is the very last characteristic of an Easy-to-be-Around Adult listed in the caption above.

13/07/2022

[True story: From neighbourhood school to Oxford - with almost no tuition!]🪴

So often, I glean lessons from my plants about parenting. This was one of them.

This plant just needed room to bloom.

It had filled out the pot it was in, so I decided to repot it. Within a month, it flourished and once again filled out the pot I placed it in. Now it’s on to the third pot!

Ask me what I did, and I’ll probably furrow my brows and shrug 🤷‍♀️ I have no fancy fast-growth formula to offer — it was just good old all-natural rainwater, sunlight, and the room to bloom!☀️

A fitting metaphor for parenting, perhaps?

This year, our firstborn will turn 19, and much to our surprise, she’s heading to Oxford!

I say ‘surprise’ because we’ve never pressured her to study or to score good grades. In fact, we didn’t sign her up for any tuition, except for Chinese (and 3 sessions of panic-fueled pre-PSLE Math coaching!)

So, how is it that this kid from a neighbourhood primary school — who spent her afternoons playing and running along the corridor (rather than being holed up in some tuition centre, tackling worksheet after worksheet) — is now headed for Oxford?

As we contemplate her growth trajectory over the years, I can honestly say that the one thing we did was to provide a nurturing environment, so that all that had been seeded within her could blossom and bloom.

The second key thing we did was to ensure that no narrative of failure took root in the soil of her mind.

You see, at the tender age of 11, this gal was convinced that she ‘can’t do Math’ and ‘don’t have the brains for Math’. But by the grace of God, we identified it early enough and nipped it decisively in the bud. (She later went on to top her JC cohort for Math, but that’s another story for another day!)

So while there is no way we can take credit for the gifts she came endowed with, I am also convinced that there’s plenty we parents can do to encourage our young seedlings to blossom and bloom.

Hint: It’s NOT about getting more tuition, worksheets and assessment books!

Like this page if you want to know how we did it! We’ll be sharing more about our alternative approach to education (non-kiasu parenting) — plus, the inside story on our unexpected odyssey to Oxford. Come with me on this journey! 😊

13/07/2022