02/06/2022
'LAMBAY ISLAND TO BE USED AS MONKEYPOX COLONY'
This afternoon Taoiseach Michael Martin alerted the country to the news that Lambay island is to be used as a monkeypox colony to prevent the rapid spread of infection. With the HSE refusing to deal with another pandemic unless nurses receive a pay increase, the Taoiseach said there are no other options. "What do you want us to do, build more hospitals? Open more wards? Ha! We got through the worst pandemic in 100 years with the worst health system in Europe and people expect me to open more hospitals for fu***ng monkeypox? Sure we tried to build a new children's hospital twenty years ago and look where it got us - five billion euro deep and not a brick laid as of yet. It's just not viable lads. I'll be sorting out the Ukrainian's with houses and medical cards before I open any more poxy wards. We have a grant scheme in place for second hand tents for those who are moving to Lambay so fair is fair. There's only so much we can do."
The news has been met with mixed opinions on the peninsula, with some in favour of the move and some not in favour of it, while others are jealous of those who will inhabit the island. One Seaview man said he hopes to catch the disease and move to Lambay for life, which has been his dream since he was a child. "Thirty years I'm looking at that island, wishing I could live there, or even visit, and now these c***s catch a virus and they're given the bloody thing, and a fu**in tent each too. It's madness. I pay me taxes to the garda when they catch me selling hash and what do I get in return? A fu***ng raid! I went down to newbridge farm after hearing the news but apparently there's no monkeys down there. What sort of farm has no monkeys? So, I'm breaking into Dublin Zoo this evening and I'm gona finger every last monkey in the kip."
With opinions on the peninsula mixed, there's further uncertainty in how the local wallaby population of Lambay island feel about the move. Meetings are said to be taking place within the lambay island wallaby trade union association, but they are yet to release a statement as they seek a wallaby whisperer to convey their message. Green party leader Eammon Ryan has put himself forward for the job:
"I can talk to any animal and if they just give me twenty minutes on that island, I will reach an agreement with the wallabies. I've been talking to animals since I was a child. You see I didn't have a lot of friends growing up and used to talk to myself a lot until the arguments got too heavy. Then I progressed to talking to rocks and trees before eventually talking to animals. I had a whirlwind romance with my neighbour's c**ker spaniel before the RSPC stepped in and put an end to it but I can tell you here and now, it was true love."
Tanaiste Leo Varadkar has asked for a psychological assessment of Ryan before any negotiations with the wallabies take place.
DPN will have hourly updates on this issue and every other local issue worth talking about on hospital radio, 89.5 fm, in association with Donabate dexter beef.