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Parody News Outlet - Giving people the news they want to read!
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02/06/2022

'LAMBAY ISLAND TO BE USED AS MONKEYPOX COLONY'

This afternoon Taoiseach Michael Martin alerted the country to the news that Lambay island is to be used as a monkeypox colony to prevent the rapid spread of infection. With the HSE refusing to deal with another pandemic unless nurses receive a pay increase, the Taoiseach said there are no other options. "What do you want us to do, build more hospitals? Open more wards? Ha! We got through the worst pandemic in 100 years with the worst health system in Europe and people expect me to open more hospitals for fu***ng monkeypox? Sure we tried to build a new children's hospital twenty years ago and look where it got us - five billion euro deep and not a brick laid as of yet. It's just not viable lads. I'll be sorting out the Ukrainian's with houses and medical cards before I open any more poxy wards. We have a grant scheme in place for second hand tents for those who are moving to Lambay so fair is fair. There's only so much we can do."

The news has been met with mixed opinions on the peninsula, with some in favour of the move and some not in favour of it, while others are jealous of those who will inhabit the island. One Seaview man said he hopes to catch the disease and move to Lambay for life, which has been his dream since he was a child. "Thirty years I'm looking at that island, wishing I could live there, or even visit, and now these c***s catch a virus and they're given the bloody thing, and a fu**in tent each too. It's madness. I pay me taxes to the garda when they catch me selling hash and what do I get in return? A fu***ng raid! I went down to newbridge farm after hearing the news but apparently there's no monkeys down there. What sort of farm has no monkeys? So, I'm breaking into Dublin Zoo this evening and I'm gona finger every last monkey in the kip."

With opinions on the peninsula mixed, there's further uncertainty in how the local wallaby population of Lambay island feel about the move. Meetings are said to be taking place within the lambay island wallaby trade union association, but they are yet to release a statement as they seek a wallaby whisperer to convey their message. Green party leader Eammon Ryan has put himself forward for the job:

"I can talk to any animal and if they just give me twenty minutes on that island, I will reach an agreement with the wallabies. I've been talking to animals since I was a child. You see I didn't have a lot of friends growing up and used to talk to myself a lot until the arguments got too heavy. Then I progressed to talking to rocks and trees before eventually talking to animals. I had a whirlwind romance with my neighbour's c**ker spaniel before the RSPC stepped in and put an end to it but I can tell you here and now, it was true love."

Tanaiste Leo Varadkar has asked for a psychological assessment of Ryan before any negotiations with the wallabies take place.

DPN will have hourly updates on this issue and every other local issue worth talking about on hospital radio, 89.5 fm, in association with Donabate dexter beef.

27/03/2022

Match report Swords Manor v St Itas 26/3/22

We are back. First game of the league against an industrious Swords Manor. With a good 2 hrs pre-season under our belt and only four of them lads who trained turning up today, you would have to say we had a lot of fresh legs coming into this one. A couple of late withdrawals from the squad. Most noted one from a hag and das overdose which prompted a change in keeper. Reports were doing the rounds that the Manor had a warm weather training camp in Malaga which went well and confidence was high in our Swords neighbours who had a good squad turn out for today.

Fabulous day in Swords. Sun was out but the pitch was playing unpredictable with the ball bobbling around on the deck. (Should mention it was nothing to do with the lack of training and poor touch).

The game started off well. Even enough with Itas having the better of the chances. I’d say it was a case of the Manor goal keeper inspired, but with pre-match rumours of him getting to bed around 9am from a session the night before, it was more like Dutch courage or using the force. Still, if that’s the case, fair play, Yoda be proud, some man.

Losing Niall Tormey to an all too familiar hamstring injury midway through the first half was an early blow. Plagued by this injury for years, trying out yoga, Pilates and even karma sutra for flexibility hasn’t worked. He’s killing our physio bill.

While we had around four clear cut 1v1s where their keeper picked the ball in the middle, Manor made their first clear cut chance count with a good finish half way through the first half. Itas kept plugging away knowing the goal would come. And it did with 5 mins to go. Scrappy goal from Bucko, but the pressure payed off and was well deserved on the balance of play. 2 min later we hit the front with the younger of the Mantons and last years top scorer from center back, Niall. The goal keepers late night antics may have been catching up at this stage as the ball was poked past him from close range. We take the lead into half time 2-1.

Quick half time team talk from our management team, inspired as usual. The ref beside us whipping off tops like he was “40 coats”. What was he thinking in that heat? And the usual field hospital patchwork that goes on at this level.

Second half starts off well for the hoops as we continued on from where we left off. The home team made an early sub and changed their goal keeper who was applauded off the pitch and given two solphadine and berocca.

Within a few minutes of that we had gone 3-1 up with Brendan “Stoney” Rogers hitting a clean strike leaving the new keeper with no chance. In fairness he had three attempts like that in the first half which only scared the wildlife at most. But the swords lads wouldn’t go away and got one back soon after. A great save by Kaner, our new spray tanned man model stand in keeper, put the ball out for a corner. Quick corner and with one of them shot crosses, or just a cross let’s be honest, looped over our bronzed Adonis to make it 3-2.

This back and forth game wasn’t done yet. At this stage, lads are coming on and off and its paper scissors rock to who is going on and the least injured.

It was Itas who got the next goal. Up steps the highest scoring centre back in the clubs history. Niall was up the pitch for a set piece and with a bit of pin ball the ball arrived to his feet. Moved the ball from right to left and drove a shot in off the post to give us a 4-2 lead.

Again Swords fought back getting another to make for an interesting last 10. So with lads pulling up with all sorts of niggles, it was squeaky bum time. But there was still time for one last piece of inspiration.

With a couple of minutes to go we get a free on the halfway line. Bucko wanders over, what goes through your mind at this point? Waist time, play it into the corner? Bucko asks, will I have a shot? Sure in pure reckless management style with the game in the balance and the casual risk taking that’s inherent in Portrane people which is shown any time we shop in Grogans. We said go for it. Bucko hits one with enough pace but not trying to force it, lobs the keeper on his line. The keeper will have a poor night’s sleep after that one. That was as good as the last kick of the game. Fair play to Swords Manor who keep at it to the end.

This report is written in accordance with the laws of banter and not in offence.

30/09/2021

'THE BEST W**K IV'E HAD IN YEARS'

The peninsula has received a huge boost in recent weeks with the opening of our very own Thai massage parlour in Donabate town centre. It's the most successful business to open locally since scrum diddly's, with men young and old being served up a very different flavour of cream.

One elderly fairways man who wishes not to be named to respect the memory of his late wife, says it's the best thing to happen him since Margaret dropped dead on Christmas day. "What a time to be alive lads. I finally got that oul bitch off me back last Christmas, the pubs opened up during the summer and now I'm getting more action l than I ever got. After birthing six children, Mags developed an allergy for the c**k God rest her black soul."

With concerned wives and girlfriends airing their nonplussed views of events on the Sheriff's alert whattsapp group and the parlour insisting that no s*xual activity takes place on their business residence, DPN contacted Swords Garda station for more information. When queried on the rumours of s*xual activity, the sergeant said it was the best w**k he's had in years.

So there you have it. After a dark period for the area and indeed the world with the covid-19 pandemic, I think I speak for us all when I say it's wonderful to see a happy ending for the peninsula.

26/03/2021

**** WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE: THE MALE/ FEMALE/ TRANSGENDER/ GENDER NEUTRAL/ NON-BINARY/ AGENDER/ PANGENDER/ GENDER Q***R/ TWO-SPIRIT OR THIRD GENDER PERSON(S) WHO CUT DOWN THE NEW ROAD TREES ****

Donabate residents woke up on Thursday morning to the horrifying news that two landmark trees on the new road have been recklessly cut down without warning or reason. The Donabate residents who are employed, that is. Residents on the PUP woke up to the news between 1 and 3 o'clock in the afternoon.

Given their nonsensical history, Fingal county council were initially blamed for the catastrophe but they have since released a statement, distancing themselves from the double beheading. The council claim they haven't got the manpower, nor the capabilities to cut down more than one tree in a day and say they remain fully focused on eradicating Portrane from the map by laying more seabees.

And so, a real life game of Cluedo ensues with fingers being pointed every which way around the village. It's the biggest Donabate 'who done it' since a dead duck was left in the phone box cradling an empty bottle of vodka in 1998.

Colonel Henchy has kindly offered up a reward out of his own pocket of €15,000 for the name of the culprit(s), rising to €20,000 if the trees can be returned. Anyone with information is advised to ring Swords garda station and ask for Garda Teresa Green, who is working around the clock with her team of special investigators to get to the bottom of this conundrum.

11/03/2020

'DRUG DEALERS REPORT RECORD DRUG SALES AS COVID-19 FEARS ESCALATE'

Peninsula drug dealers are declaring all time high drug sales as local junkies brace themselves for a nationwide lockdown. With covid-19 fears escalating throughout the country, not everyone is prioritising toilet roll and bread, as one lifelong he**in addict residing in Turvey told DPN:

"I haven't wiped me arse with toilet roll since the 90's and I'm not gona start now. If I don't get me fix by six in the evening, I do be sweating beads like a priest in a playground, dead sick like. I'd take one day's worth of gear over a fu**in truck load of bread. I'll be grand without bleedin bread, I think I have a tin of St. Bernard beans down the back of the couch there."

A local drug dealer, using the alias Peninsula Escobar to protect his real identity, informed DPN he's never experienced times as good:

"Long may it continue! I sell a bit of everything and they're all stocking up in case of a curfew or garda monitoring the streets God forbid. Gear, yokes, chan, K, grass and tablets. It's all flying out the door and I can barely keep up with me orders. We're working on these new E's called coronas that'll actually give users the virus because we need to keep this madness going. Last Thursday I got rid of a full shipment in twelve hours. I haven't had a day like that since Tatcher kicked the bucket. One man's recession is another man's boom wha?"

Uncertainty is the common theme throughout the country at the moment with everyone from tentative government officials to confused employer's wondering what to do. However, if indeed a nationwide lockdown occurs, one thing appears certain; there's going to be a hell of a session in Portrane and Donabate!

04/02/2020

'DOUBLE BOOST FOR DONABATE AS AFFORDABLE HOUSES OPEN ALONG NEW ROAD'

Donabate received a much needed boost yesterday evening. In conjunction with the opening of the long awaited new road, no fewer than one hundred affordable homes rolled into the area. Micheal Martin has called it a late knockout blow against Sinn Fein as we enter the final week of a competitive general election campaign:

"They said we wouldn't do it. In fact, they said we couldn't do it! Where are they now? The Fiana Fail/Fiana Gael coalition are very proud to formally announce the opening of one hundred affordable homes along the new road in Donabate. For too long the begrudgers have doubted us and Donabate has no shortage of them. We've all seen the disturbing recent footage of the volatile crowd up in the community centre there, making their noise. Well when it really mattered, we delivered.

"I'd also like to take this opportunity to thank my colleagues in Fiana Fail. They're calling me 'Messiah' Martin in the office this morning after my genius idea to get much needed affordable homes into the area overnight but I wouldn't be anywhere without them. Leo will obviously attempt to take the credit for this one but I can assure peninsula voters that when this vital call was made, he was missing. Rumours around the dail are that he was in the George sniffing co***ne and I well believe it. It wouldn't be the first time. And as for the shinners, they can go and f**k themselves as well. They couldn't liberate the six counties and I can confidently say they won't deliver cheaper housing anywhere in the country than the homes we brought into the area of Donabate yesterday evening. It's a monumental moment for our party in this general election and the bookies might as well pay out on us now.

"I'd like to finish by saying it looks as if I've had the last laugh on a lot of people who really didn't think I had it in me to become a brilliant Taoiseach. Well, what I say to those people is, 'look at me now'."

09/10/2019

'DONABATE LOTTERY WINNER TO DONATE CASH PRIZE TO FINGAL COUNTY COUNCIL'

The search for Donabate's €2,500,000 euromillions winner is over. The lucky victor is a sixty-five-year-old brick layer from St. Patricks park who wishes not to be named in case his wife finds out about the big win. Although all is not what it seems.

In a peculiar turn of events, the keelings regular says he doesn't want any of the money for himself, or indeed his long suffering wife. DPN caught up with the man for a pint earlier on today:

"Sure what would I do with two and a half million euro? I just enjoy me graft and a few pints in the evening. Paid me mortgage off in 1996. Nah, it's not for me I'm afraid. And I'm f**ked if I'm giving that miserable c**t a shilling because I wouldn't see the woman again. Who'd cook me dinner if she f**ked off somewhere exotic? There's no point being a millionaire and starving to death, is there? I didn't even mean to do the lottery anyway. I asked the young wan behind the counter in supervalu for rich tea biscuits, and she thought I said lottery tickets. I knew there and then I'd win so I kept the tickets but honestly, I regret it now. They'd be talking about me in the boozer and all sure."

The first ever lottery winner of Supervalu Donabate went on to tell us what he intends to do with the money:

"I'm gona give it all to the council to help finish that poxy new road. They must be at it a good ten years now and the few quid should speed them along. I'm late for work every morning and late home every evening with the road works. It's a disgrace! I have to retire in four years and I'd like to enjoy me last few years of work."

07/10/2019

'DONABATE/PORTRANE NEWS ISSUE LEGAL STATEMENT'

It seems our post on Thursday evening ruffled a few stray p***c hairs around the peninsula. The post was reported and subsequently removed by facebook. In fairness to Mr. Zuckerberg, he ran rang the DPN studio himself, located in the handicapped toilets of the brook, and informed us that he loved the post but due to the politically correct epidemic we all find ourselves in, his hands are tied. He apologised and plans to visit the area next summer for a rave in Ballymastone forest. That's fair enough young Marky Mark!

We'll now hand you over to our lawyer, the great Johnny Cochran who has prepared our legal statement on the issue:

'Ya'll mutherf**ka's better wake up and smell the s**t lingering in this village. It ain't bulls**t, it's man s**t, and it's cumin from yo husbands peckers! The She-eriff got those boys drinking wine and dancing to the village people. They should call themselves the Donabate village people! For legal reasons, that's all I have to say about that.

If any mutherf**ka wanna take me on in the courtroom or on the street, it'll be the last thing they do. Hell, I'll get the Juice over here to slice a few of you sons a bi***es up! Don't f**k with me, I gots the same initials as Jesus Christ himself. Now that's a God damn 'Final warning!''

Thanks for that Johnny. Let it be known that we've got the best legal team in the country and a few mad c***s who drink in Smyths on our side.

For anyone interested, Mr. Cochran will be hosting a meet greet in the parish hall this coming Saturday afternoon with signed photographs on sale. Tea, coffee, sandwiches and bags of ketamine available on the day.

04/07/2019

'PCO DECLARE WAR ON DEFECTORS'

We regret to inform the peninsula public that the security threat for a terrorist attack in Portrane has today been upgraded to 'severe'. Taoiseach Leo Varadkar made the move after the newly formed paramilitary group 'Portrane Coastal Erosion' took up arms and declared war on anyone criticising or laughing at their organisation. The news comes as a huge blow to the area, following months of peace, since the DVP (Donabate Village People) decommissioned all weapons, after Donabate/Portrane News exposed their wine fuelled sausage parties.

Speaking to the people on the ground, DPN are putting together the pieces of the puzzle, hoping to grasp how supposed coastal erosion activists evolved into cold blooded terrorists. One brave Burrow man has come forward and offered his opinion:

"It's sad to see how it's gone. We all stood in solidarity over the coastal erosion issues but the power goes to people's heads. The worst thing that's happened the area was the council sorting out the coastal erosion. Now we have the fueding and I'm telling you now, blood will be spilled. Sure they threatened to maim my Yorkshire terrier and blocked me from their page because I shared the Donabate/Portrane News report."

Echoing our Burrow man's chilling "blood will be spilled" comment, a female OAP who also resides in the Burrow said:

"Fu***ng bastards left me a threatening voicemail, telling me I'll be gotten because I laughed at the Donabate/Portrane News report. They said if I don't move my mobile home from the Burrow up to the Lynders site, I can expect a bullet in each knee. Well I've got news for those cardboard gangsters; I had two knee replacements last year so they'll only be shooting fu***ng porcelain. I have eight grandsons and twelve great grandsons; they can have it if they want it. I'm prepared for peace and ready for war!"

Portrane Coastal Erosion: It hasn't gone away you know.......

02/07/2019

'CONFUSED COASTAL EROSION HEADCASE WANDERING THE PENINSULA IN SEARCH OF NEW PROBLEMS'

Having neutralized the bark of the rancid Donabate Village people, DPN now switch our attention to a Portrane based nutjob, shamelessly emerging as Portrane's answer to the disgraced Donabate Village 'sheriff'. They air their fantastical dirty laundry on a page called 'Portrane Coastal Erosion', and in recent weeks they've taken aim at a vulnerable homeless man and ordinary decent councillors.

With the coastal erosion issues provisionally secure, the lust for misery has obviously proven too much for some. 'Portrane Coastal Erosion' are now polluting the interweb with rants about anything and everything they can think of. Their latest status is a bizarre character assasination of esteemed local councillors, laying the blame at their doorstep for an alleged lack of transport for the flavours of fingal, with no alternative plan or help offered. Yes, this lunatic holds a black belt in cyber warriorship.

Exhibiting a bad case of dyslexia, 'Portrane coastal erosion' attempted to explain to their eight facebook followers that people from Portrane and Donabate had no transport to and from newbridge park, while residents of surrounding areas received 'the VIP treatment'. The 33B have since issued a statement on the issue which read: 'You should've gotten one of our fifteen daily buses you bleedin thick!' Although PCO weren't the only one's too good for the prestigious 33B. A Swords resident - who arrived to Newbridge park for free on a golden chariot pulled by two unicorns - said "Absolutely thrilled to avail of the VIP treatment. I wouldn't be caught dead on the smelly 33B. The chariot arrived at me gaff first thing Saturday morning and Adrian Henchy gave me a foot rub for the duration of the journey."

Meanwhile in excess of 90,000 people enjoyed yet another hugely succesful flavours of Fingal. But sure look, there's always one....

07/05/2019

'DONABATE ALERT SYSTEM EXPOSED'

Following on from our latest article on the detrimental impact the Donabate alert system has had on construction workers, DPN bring you a panorama special, delving deep into the dark underworld of the Donabate alert system, exposing their sinister world. With the help of an unnamed insider, we expose their conspiracies, criminality and boozed up homos*xual s*x parties.

The unnamed insider has come forward and risked his life, citing guilt and boredom as his reasons for exposing the corrupt secret society:

"I just got a bit fed up with the whole thing to be honest. At first it was great; mass gay or**es at various houses around the peninsula. The missus thought I was attending alert system board meetings, when in reality I was drinking wine and sword fighting with the sheriff and his posse. After thirty years of the same s*x with the missus, it was an adventure to get drunk and ride members of the same s*x."

Asked about the mysterious 'sheriff' he mentioned, our inside man had this to say:

"He calls himself the sheriff, the chosen one, the fuhrer, the gaffer, the list goes on. But he's actually a bit of a gobs**te. A self appointed lunatic if you ask me. A beast in the sack though, I'll give him that. Hung like a barstool the c**t. Has a huge problem with litter, construction and traffic. And an even bigger problem with wine. Chap is an alco!"

Asked where it all went wrong, the supergrass continued:

"Well, when it was time for the real alert system board meetings, I couldn't keep up. One week we were campaigning against pot holes in the village, the next week we were campaigning against the construction company fixing the pot holes. The penny dropped for me last week when we had the bad traffic in the village. The boys got off on it all week; alert messages here, strongly worded letters to the council there. The sheriff spent his week in the car, up and down the village, beeping his horn, giving the workers the fingers. And when the traffic eventually subsided, he messaged the alert group; 'Howdy cowboys, who's next?' I decided there and then that life was no longer for me, after realising we were the saddest group of oul' bastards in the village."

And what does the future hold?

"I can assuredly say I shot the sheriff for the last time. I will never s***k in that man's face again! The missus has endured several decades of loveless marriage, so I'm bringing her to Lanzarote for a week in June, and I'm gona smash the fu***ng granny out of her!"

15/04/2019

'TRADESMAN SENTENCED TO THREE YEARS PRISON AFTER KNOCKING INTO THE WRONG HOUSE'

The Donabate alert system has claimed its latest victim, with fourty-five year old plumber and father of three, Nelson Madden, locked up for three years, after allegedy mixing up the address of a house he was to unblock a toilet in. Speaking to us from his maximum security Portlaoise prison cell, strapped to the bed, wearing a Hannibal Lecter mask, Nelson told DPN he's baffled with the conviction and subsequent harsh sentencing:

"I got a phone call from a supposed elderly lady living in Donabate, claiming she had an awful dose of explodey hole, and had blocked her toilet. I wouldn't usually go near Donabate because I've heard about builders and truck drivers being verbally abused and physically assaulted by local nutcases who are against construction. But I felt sorry for the old dear, bad dose of the trots and a blocked toilet like. I decided to do the right thing."

What happened next has been disputed, but Nelson insists he was set up:

"Looking back, I know damn well it wasn't an elderly lady on the phone. The voice sounded more like a middle-aged man but I took a chance and knocked on the door I was given. Then another couple of doors, searching for what I believed was a poor old woman in distress. Worst decision of my life!"

Before Nelson found the alleged old lady's house, he was set upon by armed gardai and shot in both legs:

"Three doors I knocked on. Three doors. Took me two minutes. You tell me how fifteen armed garda arrived so quickly? I was unarmed and they shot me twice in each leg. I was arrested immediately, charged on arrival to the station and sentenced to three years within a week. I still haven't been to the hospital. I'm telling ya's, it's that Donabate alert system. They control the garda, judges and politicians. Fu***ng freemasons! No builder stands a chance in that crazy kip."

11/03/2019

'LEAGUE OF IRELAND SUPERSTAR ADMITS BEING DYSLEXIC AFTER DIFFICULT DAY ON COUNTDOWN'

League of Ireland superstar and local hero, Dinny Corcoran, this evening issued an apology to his fans, after suffering defeat on channel 4's hit TV show countdown. The airtricity league player of the month admitted not realising he was dyslexic, until he mispelled the word 'football' in the first round of todays show. Here's what Dinny had to say on an action packed day:

"I just want to say sorry to my fans, because I didn't actually realise I was dyslexic until today. I've lost count the amount of times I got six or even eight out of ten in my spelling tests. I lose count quite a lot if I'm honest, perhaps that's where it went wrong for me today."

The Bohemians striker - who netted three times in the opening three games this season - vowed to sack his agent, after being wrongly advised to go on the show. The number three was again significant today, as that was the number of letters in Dinny's biggest word on the show.

"Me agent is gone after that one, that's for sure. I only went on the show to meet Carol Vorderman, and the thick bastard forgot to tell me she's retired. Although Rachel Riley was impressive. She got me going alright. I messed up when I asked her for a va**na instead of a vowel, but that's the way it goes. I'm booked in for the chase next Monday so fingers crossed I've a bit more luck on that. The overall aim is I'm a celebrity next summer, because Ant and Dec are my idols."

Everyone at DPN would like to congratulate Dinny on an impressive 50 point tally today. Unfortunately he came up against a fu***ng geek! Well done Dinny.

21/02/2019

'ISIS BRIDE TO BE HOUSED IN SOFIA HOUSING'

DPN are delighted to bring you the worldwide exclusive news that ISIS beauty, Shamima Begum, will be permanently housed in our very own refugee camp; Sofia Housing. The burka dr***d mother of one was rocked by yesterday's announcement that she is no longer a citizen of the UK. However, in conjunction with Angela Merkel, taoiseach Leo Varadkar has stepped in and done the right thing, offering Shamima a three bedroom house, one-parent-family weekly payment, rent allowance, child allowance, fuel allowance, travel allowance and the recently established fresh air allowance.

As always, DPN have liaised with the people on the ground, and one Sofia housing resident had this to say:

"These people have been bombed, shot, r***d and badly beaten. I hear Syria is a fairly rough area too, so Shamima will feel right at home here in Sofia Housing."

It's the inevitable rise in Islam that has other's talking and Donabate's lanky, arrogant parish priest, with the black hair and glasses had his say:

"Yes Islam and Catholicism have their similarities. Both religions believe in made up men in the sky and both institutions have used the power said made up man embellishes to bu**er children. Nonetheless, we see Islam as a threat. When a man hears he can have five wives here on Earth, or a heaven full of virgins if he blows up his prick of next door neighbour, it's very hard to keep him in the confession box. How can we compete with all that f***y? All I'm asking for here is a level playing field."

11/02/2019

'BEWARE OF THE BUFTY BISHOP!'

Smyths regulars were left gobsmacked last week when a former bishop offered to suck the flute off numerous pi**ed up young lad's, while taking nonconsensual photograph's of them. The authenticity of our news reports has been questioned in the past. However, believe it or not, this one is true.

He's the most notorious bishop since Len Brennan, and the ho****st clergyman Donabate has seen since Fr Sinnot, but we are yet to establish a name for the dirty old fe**er known locally as 'the bufty bishop'.

A Smyths barman who wished not be be named for fear of being r***d, watched on in amazement as the bishop prowled the grubby boozer:

"I knew he was a wrong'n when he ordered a bottle of bishop's finger. After that I wasn't shocked to see him offering the young lad's head. To be honest, I was more shocked none of the ugly little bastard's took up his generous offer!"

A local young lad who also wished not to be named, in case the bufty bishop follows him on instagram, claims the diocesan offered him fe****io:

"I was playing pool and spotted this old bastard taking photograph's of me and me pal. When I confronted him he offered me "the best blowy you'll ever get". I told him I'd never experienced oral s*x before, and he said he specialised in baptism. At that point I ran out the door, upset like."

Asked had the bishop's attempted seduction hurt him emotionally, the young lad had this to say:

"Not at all. I was quite flattered by the offer actually. I was just upset because I'd spent me last fiver on a pint of budwieser, and got a pint of slop instead."

Gardai were called to the scene but the unnamed bishop fled the public house before they arrived. Although not before he had a power nap.

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'DOUBLE BOOST FOR DONABATE AS AFFORDABLE HOUSES OPEN ALONG NEW ROAD' Donabate received a much needed boost yesterday evening. In conjunction with the opening of the long awaited new road, no fewer than one hundred affordable homes rolled into the area. Micheal Martin has called it a late knockout blow against Sinn Fein as we enter the final week of a competitive general election campaign: "They said we wouldn't do it. In fact, they said we couldn't do it! Where are they now? The Fiana Fail/Fiana Gael coalition are very proud to formally announce the opening of one hundred affordable homes along the new road in Donabate. For too long the begrudgers have doubted us and Donabate has no shortage of them. We've all seen the disturbing recent footage of the volatile crowd up in the community centre there, making their noise. Well when it really mattered, we delivered. "I'd also like to take this opportunity to thank my colleagues in Fiana Fail. They're calling me 'Messiah' Martin in the office this morning after my genius idea to get much needed affordable homes into the area overnight but I wouldn't be anywhere without them. Leo will obviously attempt to take the credit for this one but I can assure peninsula voters that when this vital call was made, he was missing. Rumours around the dail are that he was in the George sniffing cocaine and I well believe it. It wouldn't be the first time. And as for the shinners, they can go and f**k themselves as well. They couldn't liberate the six counties and I can confidently say they won't deliver cheaper housing anywhere in the country than the homes we brought into the area of Donabate yesterday evening. It's a monumental moment for our party in this general election and the bookies might as well pay out on us now. "I'd like to finish by saying it looks as if I've had the last laugh on a lot of people who really didn't think I had it in me to become a brilliant Taoiseach. Well, what I say to those people is, 'look at me n

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