The Athenian

04/05/2020

Hey everyone! Check out the new issue of The Athenian Comment your favorite articles below!👇

05/04/2020

Congrats to the following winners for The Athenian’s Onion-Style Headline Competition!!! Thank you to everyone who entered.

CWRU Category
Winner:
Nathan Ewell--CWRU freshman requests that university staff ship him his collection of 300 empty L3 pizza boxes from his empty dorm
Honorable mentions:
Ellie Rapp--Freshman locked in Leutner Commons during quarantine dies from food-borne illness, not COVID-19
Case Western Reserve Pleased to Announce it is Second Largest Hotel Chain in Ohio

News/Politics/Current Events Category
Winner:
COVID-19 Used by Planned Parenthood as New Abortion Method to Spite Trump
Honorable mentions:
Brandon Rudolph--Covid-19 now forcing emotionally distant fathers to confront and comfort children amid social isolation
Isabel McLeod--Economists find the GDP of the average Animal Crossing Island has surpassed that of the U.S.
Ellie Rapp--Gun violence is at an all-time low as people are using coughing as a defense mechanism

Arts/Entertainment/Sports Category
Winner:
Jake Trookman--"No, covid-19 is not the name of a new music festival" says reporter to Florida spring breaker
Honorable mentions:
Jack O'Brien--Cavs Haven't Lost A Game In Weeks
Ellie Rapp--Amidst the toilet paper shortage, emo teens are wiping with sandpaper to increase “edginess”
Shruti Narayan--Even with No Games, the Winner of March Madness Bracket Still Person who Chose Based on Cutest Mascot

All other entries (posted with permission):

CWRU Category
Jack O'Brien: Senior Doesn't Know Quite What To Do, Hugs Friend One Last Time
In Memoriam: Remembering 63% of CWRU's endowment
Brandon Rudolph: Studies show that CWRU students’ social life largely unaffected by new remote learning procedures
Shruti Narayan: New Watered Down Version of Corona Virus Emerges at Case: Scientists Call it Natty Lite Virus
COVID-19 Sparks a Sharp Rise in Average Students’ GPA as Professors Contract a Case of Not Giving a S**t
Covid-19 applauded for its diversity, cites CWRU Diversity 360 training for its success
Isabel McLeod: Survey finds that social distancing has caused “absolutely no change” to CWRU students’ lifestyle.

News/Politics/Current Events Category
Jack O'Brien: People Need to Stop Hoarding Says Billionaire
Ohio delays abortion procedures, claiming unborn children immune to COVID-19
Shruti Narayan: Charmin Bears Fill Swimming Pool with the Money of Doomsday Fools
Joe Biden And Bernie Sanders Final Debate on Zoom
Trump cites Hilary Clinton's emails as the reason for global Covid-19 pandemic
Nathan Ewell: Trump urges CDC to leave COVID 19 alone so it can “get back to work”

Arts/Entertainment/Sports Category
NBA stars quit the courts for e-sports, realize digital versions of selves make more money
Brandon Rudolph: Washington Redskins’ official suggest that Milk-Toasters, Fencesitters, and Paint-Dryers are among the leading candidates to replace team name
BREAKING NEWS: Kentucky Derby to be Run With Stick Ponies
Tik-Tok Admins Try Corona Challenge to Make Sure it’s Legit
Isabel McLeod: Doctors say drawing carrots on instagram provides same amount of Vitamin C, fewer calories, as eating them
Nathan Ewell: Coronavirus benefit concert performed for the five Americans still alive in June

29/03/2020

Today is the last day to submit responses to The Athenian's Onion Headline Competition! Here is the link to the submission document, more details under the Events tab.

https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSfFj2wn5eznYM1bRtreDqD-H7-RNu9uDqI-My6RdKkFBaWRiA/viewform?usp=sf_link

Create a new survey on your own or with others at the same time. Choose from a variety of survey types and analyze results in Google Forms. Free from Google.

26/03/2020

Hey everyone, The Athenian made The Fashion Issue but since we cannot distribute right now, I have attached pictures of the issue. Enjoy!

29/08/2019

Hey everyone!

The first Athenian brainstorming meeting of the school year will be held THIS FRIDAY, August 30th, in the UMB office (downstairs in Thwing under the Jolly Scholar) during community hour 12:45-2:00pm. Everyone is welcome, and there will be free food!!!

Hope to see you all there!

08/05/2019

19/04/2018

"Your last words can say so much, and when we hear them come from our boy, it will just mean the world to us."

Homs, Syria—In a small house on the outer fringes of Homs, Syrian parents Malek and Lama Isstaif are very excited to hear their son Tariq’s last words.

16/04/2018

Need a new healthy habit since your seasonal depression hasn't let up because Cleveland hasn't gotten the memo that it's spring? Try joining a fight club!

This is the opinion of local 32-year-old Charlie Kaplan. Charlie is a manager at Huntington Bank. He is one of many Clevelanders to have been affected by the lack of sunlight for eight months of every year.

15/04/2018

Congratulations to Athenian Contributor Steve Kerby! Unfortunately we have a strict non-compete clause, so we will now be suing both Steve and the ghost of Kelvin Smith.