10/05/2020
Testiclese
The Testiclamia
Book 15
Testiclese and the Auspicious Assembly
The great Testiclese sat forward on his mound of pillows and took a long draught from his cup of fine Egyptian wine.
“A most excellent tale, my young friend. Sit now, and I shall tell you of a most perilous journey I understood in service to my father, the last king in Samothrace. This was many years ago, before many of you were even born, before even that cur Paris was thought of.”
Mighty Testiclese, founder of that most noble line Te**is rose his considerable height and girth from the cushions upon which he sat and began his tale.
“In my youth the Island of Samothrace was bedeviled by creatures from the north. On the wind they howled down from lands none could imagine. Slathering creatures, with teeth of bronze and eyes that burned to cinders all the set eyes on. They came down from the north and stole out sheep and children and r***d our women, leaving them cloven and with bleeding entrails, or, mercifully, dead.
“My father’s advisors sat themselves down and debated what to do. ‘Shall we send a hero? Shall we offer ransom for the sheep and children? Shall we surrender ourselves to these foul creatures?’
“These weak men sat at their tables, drinking their fine wines and eating the mutton—such as was left int he kingdom—spending the gold sent them by my father’s subjects to make just decisions on the affairs of the kingdom. ‘Shall we eat dinner? Shall we table until our emissary returns with word from the monsters?’
“Those foolish little men had sent an emissary to the monsters from the north who ate human flesh as you, Clitorias, eat tuna and burned all they saw without care for hovel or temple. ‘Shall we call them Monsters from the North? Shall we call them Northern Monsters? What do they call themselves, for if we must contract with them, calling them by the name they call themselves will minimize confusion later on.’
“Minimize confusion! I stood among them and spake thus, ‘Little men, I will leave this place and overtake your emissary and smite…’
“Then was I, Testiclese, mighty Testiclese, noble Testiclese, him who had rebound the sea titan, interrupted by one of my father’s advisors thus, ‘First off, you are out of order, the naming of this new threat from the north is the question on the floor, anything with respect to the emissary is more properly taken up when we reach the Old Business item on the agenda and open the discussion to public comment. Secondly, in the future, please address the chair. Thirdly, while this is technically out of order, I’ll address it now anyway; we have already sent an emissary out, to send you out as well would send a mixed message to our new potential trading partners. Finally, even if it seemed to me to be a good idea to send you as well, which is most certainly does not, we would have to consider that when then we reached the New Business item on the agenda. Thank you for your comments, sit now.’
“Now, my friends here tonight, I am a simple man, I speak my mind and make no apologies for that and take direct action but this little man’s words seemed a spell mightier than the song of the Sirens, and, so, confused in my mind, I sat. As in a dream, I sat through the items on the agenda until New Business was reached, committee reports, officer’s reports, Old Business, Public Comment, New Business. At last I rose and began again, ‘Little men, I will leave this place…’ again was I interrupted. ‘The chair recognizes the prefect from Namma Ramma Gamma, lazy fishing village on the north coast of Samothrace, well known for its annual Barking Tuna Fest, in honor of Apollo, a lovely little town nestled in the hills overlooking a gentle blue bay.’
“‘Thank you your honor. I stand before you representing a small village which lies in ruins, destroyed without care for hovel or temple, and we had many temples in our small village, many more than towns twice our size for we are a respectful people in NRG, never causing strife or dissension and always offering due supplication to the powers that give us our livelihood. I come before you as a man whose home has been razed to the ground, whose sheep and children have been stolen from him and whose wife was last seen trying to stuff her guts back under a flap of yellow flesh with a stick. I say to you we must take care in our next steps for these monsters from the north represent a great untapped market for trade and tourism and must be courted carefully lest we drive them to some other, more receptive island. Thank you.’
“This little man sat back in his seat and placed his palms to the back of his head. This little man whose family, children, wife, home and property had been denied him in a most odious fashion, by creatures he had seen with his own eyes, watched as they descended from the north and caused damage—such that even Vengeful Zeus, in his greatest moment of fevered rage, would pause and reconsider the hell about to be unleashed and perhaps even not visit upon mere mortals such damages for pity’s sake—without concern for hovel or temple.
“I stood and the chair said, ‘I cannot recognize you until public comment on this matter has been opened,’ and I turned my back on the assembly and slowly, with great sadness, left that place.”
Great Testiclese passed his mighty hands, which had harnessed Helios’ steeds for a year, over his eyes then, and dried them on his now unkempt beard. So great was his sorrow at this memory from many years in his past that he was compelled to sit and drain at one draught his refilled cup.
“Friends, forgive me my moment of weakness. I recall happy days in my childhood learning the javelin on the fields of Namma Ramma Gamma.”
Taking another draught from his cup, he heaved himself from his couch and announced: “Yet this tale has happier times ahead and a happier ending still. Come, pass out on the balcony with me, in the chill night air, appropriate for the turn this take takes, and I will lighten your souls with the conclusion of this adventure.”
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Phil Strobe talks too much and doesn’t “like to get his hands dirty.” Watch your crotch.
