Chicago Shady Dealer

11/01/2025

“Is it performance art? Is it a protest? Or does he just really hate indoor plumbing?” mused one sociology professor, who plans to write a paper titled Defecation and Devastation: Urban Anarchy in the Age of Surveillance.

06/01/2025

“He’s a really great man. I really trust him," said President-Elect Trump. "He has great tastes, the best tastes. I wouldn’t trust any other vampire with my blood."

05/01/2025

Rimmer, who had a higher GPA (normal and weighted) than you and an immaculate 36 on the ACT, was unfortunately rejected from the Electoral College because he lacked any experience with a major political party.

04/01/2025

Following a university-wide poll, our researchers at The Dealer have come to the conclusion that midterms have been mediocre all around.

03/01/2025

You did the right thing and made everyone feel good! You might even receive a “I Voted!” badge for your efforts.

02/01/2025

“Thank God they’re getting rid of all that old stuff,” said Jennifer Gritter, a third-year majoring in history and Classical Studies. “I hate having something so dusty and decrepit on this campus. Good riddance!”

01/01/2025

“Pickles? In the reading rooms? Noooooooooo,” said Dean Melina Hale upon questioning. She then proceeded to shout, “They’re onto us!” into a walkie-talkie before running away.

The Only Intentional Humor Publication of the University of Chicago

31/12/2024

First-year Harold Houdine, who lives in I-House, told the Dealer that “this new plan is actually pretty good. At least I don’t have to fu***ng walk to Baker.”

30/12/2024

In a collaboration between the I Promise We’re Ethical and the Please Don’t Sue Us Research Centers, scientists have invented Legit, a machine that can perfectly clone a human.

29/12/2024

Participants will be allowed to say racial —and non-racial—slurs, gain discounted access to frats, and receive exclusive entry extra SOSC classes as part of the Free Expression+ Core.

29/11/2024

There have been reports of a copy editor selling solutions to MATH 15300 problem sets, an editor-in-chief selling amphetamines to underage students, and a deputy layout editor profiting from smuggling Russian gas into the United States in violation of sanctions imposed following the Russian invasion of Ukraine.

There have been reports of a copy editor selling solutions to MATH 15300 problem sets, an editor-in-chief selling amphetamines to underage students, and a deputy layout editor profiting from smuggling Russian gas into the United States in violation of sanctions imposed following the Russian invasion

20/11/2024

“I did alright on the model quizzes, but the model final exam was just too hard,” said Brenlo. “I had been out at the model frats that weekend, then went to the model Pub, and then model Jimmy’s."

19/11/2024

"As sexual activity amongst the student body plummets, we should prepare to see a rise in petty theft, vandalism and arson," said Dr. Ivana Hafsecs, a sociologist at the University.

17/11/2024

We at the Bureau of Undead Containment have recently received alerts of multiple sightings of “mushy grey-pink slush” in relatively isolated areas, which our scientists have confirmed are scattered brains.

16/11/2024

“We believe these requirements will reduce our endemic culture of hooliganism,” said a spokesperson for HRL when asked for comment.

14/11/2024

“I always thought that Bart had so much potential... Now I see that he was just fu**ed all along,” said Dewey Higgins, Wiggins’ roommate, who has been doing his homework for him.

13/11/2024

“Yeah, if you weren’t in Chenn House in Fall 2021, respectfully f**k right off,” said Charlie Collage, Chief Outreach Officer of the Maroon Scrapbooking Circle.

12/11/2024

Phoenix AI, a well respected and beloved artificial intelligence tool created by the University of Chicago, is reportedly nearing the end of its lifespan according to an anonymous tip.

Phoenix AI, a well respected and beloved artificial intelligence tool created by the University of Chicago, is reportedly nearing the end of its lifespan according to an anonymous tip.