Floor Covering Ruse

02/05/2023

We've heard SO MUCH about the potential of Artificial Intelligence lately. Frankly, we find it largely lacking and disappointing.

24/01/2023

BREAKING (Madisonville, KY): Classified documents found under 30 year old hardwood floor at Mrs. Jones' house.

"Honestly, I don't know where they came from!"

FBI on scene now.

30/06/2022

Flooring claims in one visual.

01/02/2022

ADVERTISEMENT: If you're at Surfaces don't forget to stop by the Omicron booth! We are looking for new distributors across the US. And although our claims rate is a tad high, our product is super easy to install and basically sells itself - no display necessary!

15/06/2021

NEWSWIRE: Manufacturer Simplifies Pricing Process

Dalton, GA: Flooring manufacturer ABC Flooring recently put in place a new pricing process in an effort to simplify pricing for retailers.

"We realize that increasing prices every few weeks, with additional fuel surcharge changes in between, is creating great confusion and complexity for our retail partners," said CFO Royce Johnson. "Our new pricing process simplifies all that."

ABC has now set June 15, 2021 as "Date Zero". Retailers are to simply to take their effective price on Date Zero, and increase it by one penny every day going forward.

Johnson explained, "For example, if your price on June 15th was $1.00, your price on June 16th becomes $1.01, on June 17th $1.02, etc. All you really need to do to know your price on any particular day is to know your price on Date Zero, calculate the number of elapsed days since then, and add that many cents to it."

Asked when this pricing process might come to an end, Johnson chuckled, "This is the process into the foreseeable future." As part of the simplified process, ABC will eliminate it's fuel surcharge, it's broken carton charge, it's broken pallet charge, and it's small order surcharge. However, it will be raising delivery charges by $45 effective immediately, and will no longer allow any broken carton or broken pallet orders.

04/05/2021

08/03/2021

NEWSWIRE: Tile manufacturer launches Left and Right subway tile lines

(Washington, DC): Upstart tile manufacturer Political Flooring has launched two new lines of subway tile designed specifically for partisans on both sides of the aisle.

According to Senior V.P. of Marketing, Gordon Johnson, "These lines are designed to appeal to the strong biases and prejudices increasingly exhibited by a polarized American public."

Recognizing that ignorant partisans on both sides of the political spectrum are inclined to rigidly direct their purchases to lines and companies that support their values, Political Flooring hopes it's new Blue State and Red State lines can tap into that desire.

"We want people to have options," stated Johnson. "Consumers want to make statements with their design choices. Now 'Black Lives Matter' isn't just a hashtag - it can be your backsplash."

For those on the right, Johnson envisions a homeowner proudly showing off their new 'Tax Cut' green backsplash to guests, explaining 'I paid for that with Trump's tax cuts'. In addition, ceramic tile's long lifespan ensures that installations such as Filibuster Fuschia will be an enduring testament to our political past, once Democrats officially kill the longstanding Senate delay tactic at some point later this year.

Recognizing that upwards of 40% of Americans consider themselves as political independents, Johnson assures us they will not be left out. "We have a new line due out for them this summer. It will be called 'Sanity'".

03/03/2021

BREAKING: NWFA issues mask mandate for all wood floor sanding jobs

03/03/2021

NEWSWIRE: Topps launches new line of Installer player cards

25/02/2021

NEWSWIRE: Supplier Not Raising Prices

(Dalton, GA) FCR reporters searched far and wide for a flooring manufacturer that is NOT raising prices this spring. We are happy to announce that we found just such one supplier earlier today, and... wait, ... what's that? ... Um, we regretfully inform you that we must retract this story in full. After further review, this supplier too will going up, 10% on April 1st, with a potential additional increase shortly thereafter.

We can now confirm without any hesitation that every flooring product being made today will now cost you more than it did at the end of last year. Remember, we don't make the news, we only report it.

23/02/2021

Newswire: Backside of rug reveals troubled, checkered past

(Saginaw, MI) Rug owners Duane and Mary Hopkins were surprised to learn of the turmoil, hardship, and brutality that their living room rug had endured over the years. Upon rolling back the rug to give their hardwood floors a thorough cleaning, they cringed at what they saw.

"It looked like just a normal, well-adjusted rug on the surface," lamented Duane. "Who knew it had been put through so much hardship and abuse over these past eight years?"

Mary added, choking back tears, "I am just so saddened to learn this. I mean, if we had only known..."

Both Hopkins were quick to point out that, had they been aware, they would have gotten their rug the outside help that it needed. "We're not opposed to a regular deep clean, or maybe even a DIY steam clean," said Duane. "We just didn't know."

When questioned as to how the rug could have gotten in such bad shape under their watch without being discovered, both Hopkins were perplexed.

"I mean, I suppose it could have something to do with our giant 150 lb. newfoundland, Brutus," posited Mary. "She did have that brief period of incontinence."

And Duane admitted that the week they left their two teenage sons home alone while he and Mary vacationed in Cancun could also have played a role. "It's entirely possible they spilled some juice or milk while studying on the couch. But that's just it - we just don't know."

As of press time the Hopkins were on the phone with a local cleaner as Brutus intensely sniffed around the perimeter of the rug.

19/02/2021

BREAKING: After several Texas flooring manufacturers shut down due to weather disaster, industry proclaims “We are all manufacturers!”

Dalton, GA: The weather disaster in Texas this week wreaked havoc on several flooring manufacturing facilities, threatening their very existence. At a press conference on Friday morning, Bert Mertens of the Floor Covering Institute declared, “Our hearts go out to the great flooring manufacturers of Texas. This unprecedented disaster could happen anywhere to any of us. Today, I stand in solidarity with the affected manufacturers and offer this proclamation: We are all manufacturers!”

Riley Martin, owner of Riley’s Floor Store in Ogallala, NE concurred with the sentiment, but also had reservations, “I support the manufacturers in Texas. My heart goes out to them. I support Bert Mertens of the Institute and if he says we’re all manufacturers, then by golly that’s what we are. The only problem is that while I was able to find an old place down I-80 to use as a kiln facility, I’m having the darnedest time finding a hot-press that I can afford, and prices on tongue and groove notching machines are sky high, especially because of the demand from distributors and retailers who are now manufacturers. I always thought I’d just be a retailer. I’m worried that this could bankrupt me, but Mertens has called us, and in this industry we answer the call.”

Bill Scheck of Buffalo Bill’s Carpet Barn in Buffalo, NY also said he supports the declaration, but that it is indeed a struggle, “I’m right here in the heart of Buffalo. I literally have no space for manufacturing equipment, and my area is zoned retail. I have a meeting with the planning commission to try to get my zoning changed, so we’ll see where it goes.”

Marie Alvarez of Marie’s Design Studio in Bend, OR had a different take, “I think Mertens used the wrong platitude. He should’ve said ‘We are all Texans’. That’s how I’m taking it anyway. I went out and bought a cowboy hat.”

To date, the platitudes have helped no one in Texas, but virtuous feelings among non-Texas flooring professionals are off the charts. “That’s good for them, it just ain’t done a damn thing for Texas”, said the whole state of Texas.

18/02/2021

BREAKING: Investigation uncovers true reason for most packaging changes

(Dalton, GA) An undercover investigation performed by FCR reporters has revealed the true source of the ubiquitous, frequent, and frustrating packaging changes initiated by flooring manufacturers: They do it just to mess with you.

While often passed off as necessary due to efficiency gains, sourcing changes, plant relocations, and minor manufacturing tweaks, the main reason that flooring manufacturers initiate product packaging size changes is simply to screw with retailers and distributors.

"We know how difficult it makes it to keep track of how many square feet are in which cartons, or which SKU to order at the current moment," shared one industry insider who wishes to remain anonymous. "We just love watching their total and utter frustration [that these changes cause]."

A second source, who also wishes to remain anonymous, pointed out that his company is currently on their fourth packaging change of their hottest selling LVT pattern. It has gone from 19.15 square feet per carton to 26.25, as well as two steps in between. "The first one we blamed on the production move from China to Cambodia. Could Cambodia have produced the product in the exact same packaging size? Of course! But what fun is there in that?"

The second and third changes were reportedly blamed on minor production tweaks to the physical product itself - neither of which truly necessitated a change in packaging size. "But that fourth change, we didn't even give a reason - we just did it. That's how sick and twisted we are."

FCR staff estimates that the channel is currently filled with over $1 billion in obsolete inventory of out-dated packaging options.

And a third source, who failed to request anonymity, and whose name is Mark Johnson and can be reached at (612) 555-1212, said some of his company's most cherished moments come at the expense of flooring retailers trying to navigate an ever-changing product assortment in their fCB2B compliant computerized product catalogs. "They have no idea what to order, and are totally confused as to why they see the same product five times in their system. Really, it's priceless - you can't buy that kind of entertainment."

As of press time, every flooring manufacturer everywhere is planning a massive roll-out of packaging changes to coincide with the passing of the Covid-19 pandemic. "Always gotta keep the suckers on their toes," chuckled Johnson.

18/02/2021

NEWSWIRE: Flooring Industry flush with cash after not having to attend Surfaces in January 2021

Dalton, GA: Cash reserves throughout the industry reached an all-time high according to a collaborative study recently completed by the country’s four largest accounting firms.

Joe Clark of Deloitte spoke to Floor Covering Ruse about the surprising results of the study, “We haven’t seen anything like this. I mean the industry from mom and pops to distribution to the big manufacturers are sitting on stockpiles of cash. We all just assumed that cash plummeted in January and February because winter business sucks. But, as our study discovered, Surfaces in Las Vegas has been the culprit all along. With no Surfaces this January, everybody’s balance sheet just got a hell of a lot better.”

Margaret Harrison of KPMG concurred. “Yes, it’s Surfaces. I’d say more, but there is nothing more to say. The Surfaces racket has siphoned billions out of this industry for decades. Period. End of story. Nothing more to say.”

She continued, “I mean, business is pretty good in the industry right now. I think we’re going to see a whole lot of companies realizing that they can survive without Surfaces.”

FCR spoke with Todd Pitts, a flooring dealer in Milwaukee, to get a handle on the dealer perspective regarding the 2021 windfall, “It’s true, we’re sitting on lots of cash right now. Surfaces is clearly an unnecessary expense.”

FCR asked if this means that he’ll not be going to the rescheduled show in June. Pitts replied, “Going? Hell yeah I’m going. It’s Vegas!”

For more on Surfaces, see our related story: Surfaces Announces Substantial Increase in Exhibitor and Attendee Fees for June 2021 Show

22/01/2021

NEWSWIRE: Revolution Mills hires new spokesperson.

15/01/2021

NEWSWIRE: Manufacturer denies claim, suggests "Antifa did it."

27/04/2020

Many floor covering retailers, distributors, and manufacturers are wondering what the post Covid-19 economic recovery will look like. Many economists are predicting a sharp V shaped recovery, while others expect a W or even an L shaped recovery. However, extensive research by Floor Covering Ruse non-economists suggest that the post Covid-19 recovery will look more like hún, the Chinese word for "spirit".

02/04/2020

BREAKING: WFCA recommends replacing flooring every 3 days to stem Covid-19 spread.