08/10/2024
Why are so many of us committed to this lie about men, love, and relationships?
So, today I was reflecting on something deeply troubling that I'm beginning to hear even Muslims (amongst men and women) repeat as "absolute truth" about men, love, and relationships.
As I went through my own journey of love and solitude, I've reflected on this oft-repeated lie and pondered the likely motivations behind it. And I think I have some pretty compelling answers. But more on that later, inshaaAllah. For now, let's look at the lie that even many "relationship coaches" are participating in spreading:
Lie: Men don't care about women's talents, intelligence, or worldly accomplishments.
Truth: While men generally don't care about these things in the same *way* that women care about men’s, men absolutely do care about these things.
And the proofs for this are numerous not only in worldly research, human experience, and common sense; but also in our Islamic faith itself.
Divine Truths that Dispel the Lie
Reflect on the talents, intelligence, and success of our Mother Khadijah (may Allah be pleased with her). What Muslim with even a grain of emaan (sincere faith) in his heart would boldly claim that our beloved Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) cared *nothing* about her divinely gifted worldly talents, accomplishments, and success? That he cared nothing of her worldly status outside of what she offered him in domestic servitude and carnal pleasure in marriage?
Reflect also on the hadith about the seven people under the Shade of Allah on the Day of Judgment. Now recall the single distinguishing trait of the woman whom a man finds it most challenging to resist temptation from. She is a woman with a unique combination of both beauty *and* worldly status.
If a woman's worldly status meant nothing to men, it would’ve been sufficient for Allah to inspire His Prophet (peace be upon him) to mention only a woman's remarkable beauty in inciting temptation. However, Allah knows the hearts of His servants (male and female) better than we know (or admit) ourselves, and so He knows very well the hearts of the men He created. And in the heart of nearly every man, a woman's worldly status raises her desirability and attractiveness manifold in his eyes. This is so much so that there is a special reward for the man of taqwaa (God-consciousness) who chooses his soul over caving into temptation by a woman of remarkable beauty and distinct worldly status.
How They Defend the Lie
“But a woman's worldly status means nothing to a man when he's in the privacy of his home and wants her respect, submissiveness, and intimacy!"
Yes, but that's true for all human beings, including women to men.
As a woman, if I'm seeking emotional safety, compassion, and connection with my husband, what do I care about his worldly status, accomplishments, or even wealth at that moment? Like nearly all women, at that time, what I value most is connecting with my husband's heart and soul. I'm not thinking about his accolades, intelligence, or net worth (or whether he fits into some elusive category of a "high value man").
In fact, every single day, women walk away from wealthy, accomplished, "high value men" and never look back. Similarly, every single day, men walk away from beautiful, submissive "traditional" women. These are often women who gave up everything to be with these men. These women often bypassed every personal opportunity for their own worldly success, status, and wealth, imagining that this sacrifice would make them highly valued and deeply cherished by their husbands. These women were ready, eager, and willing to dedicate the rest of their lives to this "happily ever after" marriage and to being *only* wives and mothers until they died.
Yet still, their men left them (or gave these women no reasonable option except to walk away themselves).
But When a Man Loves a Woman...
On the other hand, every single day, talented, accomplished, successful women of high worldly status are deeply loved, cherished, and *fully taken care of* by their husbands. These are men who appreciate and value every single divinely gifted quality in the woman God blessed them with in marriage.
And amongst these men are those who would never claim that his beloved wife's talents, intelligence, or worldly accomplishments mean nothing to him. This is because these men have the natural healthy trait of soul-nourishing masculinity that mirrors that of the Prophet (peace be upon him). So, when it comes to any woman they love (whether wife, daughter, sister, etc.), the truth of a healthy man's heart is this: What hurts her hurts him, and what brings her joy brings him joy.
Thus, if a woman's talents, hobbies, and worldly accomplishments matter to her, then they matter to him, and they also bring him joy, if for no other reason than seeing her happy makes him happy.
This basic truth about men is not even including the multitudes of men in this world who also appreciate a woman's worldly status, talents, and accomplishments because of the immeasurable benefit this woman brings to the world with these gifts, even if the man himself has no personal connection to this highly accomplished woman in real life.
So, why then are so many of us committed to the lie about men, love, and relationships that tells us the exact opposite?
Why We Want to Believe the Lie
The complicated truth of life is this: Lasting love isn’t granted through a predictable mathematical equation that automatically equals success (e.g. subtract a woman's worldly accomplishments and add a woman's full submissiveness to her husband and you get a happy man and a happy marriage).
Just as the desirability and value of a woman can’t be reduced to a set of predictable qualities that every man wants, the heart and mindset of a man can’t be reduced to desiring and valuing only a specific feminine prototype. Similarly, a "high value woman" can't be reduced to only those women who devalue every single divinely gifted talent and worldly accomplishment that their Creator offers them in this world.
So why then do we believe and spread this lie?
The answer might surprise you...
Lessons of Love and Solitude: 3-Day Feminine Soul Reset
Like so many other women before me, I learned the answer to this the hard way and suffered mightily because of it. But today, by Allah's mercy, I've healed and transformed my life so much, and I'm now embracing soul-nourishing gratitude, self-love, and joy. And my mission is to share the beneficial lessons I've learned on my journey with my sisters and brothers in faith, so that they too can better cherish and protect their most intimate relationships—especially with their own souls, with their Creator, and with each other in marriage.
Join me Wednesday, October 23rd for Day 1 of Lessons of Love and Solitude: 3-Day Feminine Soul Reset.
On Day 1, I'm hosting a FREE event LIVE via Zoom entitled, "Learning Islam Like This Ruined My Marriage."
There will be no replay.
So reserve your seat now (limited spaces available), and add this to your calendar today. Women only.
CLICK HERE or copy and paste this URL into your browser: https://calendly.com/sqsoul/feminine-soul-reset-2024
You don't want to miss this. Trust me!
I look forward to seeing you there, dear sisters!
May the hard-learned lessons I share in this event be a source of benefit, inspiration, and positive transformation for you in your personal life, spiritual practice, and intimate relationships.
Love,
Your sister in faith and hope,
Baiyinah (Umm Zakiyyah)
