22/03/2024
I used to be an outgoing person. I was always trying to make friends and be outside. I developed social anxiety in my early twenties and it just kept getting worse. I used alcohol as a mechanism to cope with it. But the next day my anxiety was skyrocket always. I had a lot of friends but we were all drinking most of the time. I took a trip out to yuba City California and it changed my life. Some guy approached me and said he didn't want my kind around there and told me to get out of his town. He then attacked me with a broken beer bottle and I defended myself. I went to jail that night and the next day my anxiety was back. None of the inmates wanted me living with them. No one liked to me in there and people kept trying to pick fist fights with me. I went in there not speaking to anyone. I look like a rough guy but I'm not so they insinuated something that wasn't even irrelevant. I had so many problems in that jail until I was sentenced to 5 years in prison. Going to prison with social anxiety was even worse! I suffered within my mind just going to the chow hall with hundreds and hundreds of people! I even started to starve myself just because I didn't want to feel bricks in my chest and tense! I was a loner the whole time I was locked up. Certain types of people triggered my anxiety and that was the majority the inmates. The ones with lowlife mentality who are knuckleheads. I got so nervous around those guys but I was never a punk! I've been standing my ground since I was young and I've been in so many fights that I can't even count! But I hate fighting! I was the guy who never came out of his cell and read books and watched TV. Being that type of person made me the bad guy and a lot of their eyes and the correctional officers as well. One night I got in a fist fight and I had to move to a different dorm because everyone wanted me out. One of the cops told me to ask around and see if I can move into another dorm in the same unit. That was the last thing I wanted to do because I never spoke to any of those guys! I ended up getting up the courage to do it and one guy said we don't want you in here as he waved his hands in the air other inmates just flat out ignored me. It never made sense to me that people would dislike me because of that. The whole entire unit refuse to let me in their dorms for no reason but being a loner. Someone was social anxiety can't heal with that type of mentality from people. People like me want acceptance. We want people to accept our anxiety and help us get through it but that's not how it works in the real world. The whole time I was in prison I went from unit to unit and it kept happening. The same repeat! I couldn't handle it anymore and I tried to get to the hospital. That was my goal! They have a hospital side to the prison it's called dsh and I new I'd feel more comfortable in there. I ended up spending months on su***de watch until the day I paroled.the hospital didn't accept me because I was too short to the house by that time. My next obstacle was going back to my hometown and being forced to live in an area where I had a lot of enemies from the past who wanted to kill me. That with all of my mental health issues didn't mix well. I remember myself a couple days from getting released, having a mental breakdown punching myself over and over again in the head, pacing back and forth in my cell. I knew I wasn't going to be able to get around. It was that bad for me and I thought I'd never have to go back to that area again in my life. When I was released I stayed in the house for months. No one understood my situation. It was hard to get a girl and it was hard to get a job. Even having anxiety problems I still wanted to go to school I wanted to get a job get my license and get my life together that was first priority but that went to hell. Why don't you go get a job my parole agent would say. He didn't care I explained it to him my other POS were the same way. I begged them to give me a transfer to another county, but that's hard when I don't have any family, but my mother. I started dating a girl I knew from the past, and her family wanted me out of the picture, because I didn't have a car and I was unemployed. They were all putting me down on Facebook. they told her not to help me get my license. They were constantly harassing me, and antagonizing me online for 9 months straight! Me and my mom and stepdad ended up homeless because we couldn't afford the rent. It killed me inside knowing the fact that my mom had to sleep out in the cold. I wasn't even worried about my well-being. The girl who I was with left me hanging and I ended up meeting another girl 3 weeks later and I moved in with her, her sister and other family members of hers. I was fortunate enough for them to take me in. My anxiety was bad living with them tho. They weren't doing anything wrong, and they made me feel welcome except my ex-girlfriend's sister's boyfriend. He didn't say a word to me for the first few days, and then, "yo ass ain't got a job?" He asked randomly before he was leaving for work. Just something like that, puts my guard up with someone. It makes me never put it down and keep my distance. He had a chip on his shoulder and I didn't like being around him. From that day forward, I was more standoffish, and he had his friends over mean mugging me one night. I was ready for whatever, but I was just trying to go in the bedroom and go to sleep. My parole agent recommended a cottage complex in del Paso heights. That was still enemy territory for me. Especially because most of them were from out there. When I was with my ex, she showed me something no other girl did. I never felt so appreciated by a woman in my life! And the thing was, she was the prettiest in my eyes. I always wanted a girl who looked exactly like her! and I had her. Her personality was sweet, but she had a spunky side. The best thing about her was that she accepted everything about me. My anxiety, other issues from the past, and she wasn't materialistic. She had a car so I wasn't going stir crazy in the house. I was out living life. Not as much as we wanted because of gas and expenses, but every day I had a routine, and a schedule. My ex-girlfriend was like my best friend. We could sit in bed and talk for hours. She always had faith in my dreams and she supported me 100%. I had friends who were jealous of me. And people all around were envious. The day we moved into our new place there was a woman taking down a large hammock looking at us with hatred shaking her head back and forth. Later on I found out it was because my ex-girlfriend had kids and she thought they were going to play on it. My exes kids were well-minded and they grew on me. I never showed it because they were always talking about their biological father. They looked at me like a friend but I wished they looked at me as a stepfather. I had my mom who was homeless on the streets. My grandma passed away and they lost their place. That's where I was at in the beginning before we became homeless. I talked to the owner of the place and I got her and my stepfather in across the way from us but it turned into a bad thing. My mom was always coming over and treating her kids like crap. I hated when she did that! She didn't show any hospitality towards my ex, or her children. She always made remarks, and put her two cents in when it came to our relationship. and it actually got us to argue a lot. On top of that I had got a new parole agent who was really trying to bring me down! Once he found out that I lived with a woman, and a pretty one at that, he started being negative. Every time he came out to the house he was putting me down. "Your girl is going to leave you trust me. I see this all the time with parolees. He was saying this before he even seen her. Once he showed up and she was cooking dinner, I could see the jealousy flaring out of him! He went on trying to insinuate that my whole life will be a failure and my woman wasn't sticking around. There was no reason for him to even say that. I could see if there was some kind of domestic disputes going on but he was telling me this from the very beginning. The first day I met him he told me she was going to leave. I already felt like people thought that in their minds because of my own personal issues and the fact that I wasn't used to being in a real relationship. That really bothered me what he said! I didn't need that! I wasn't trying to let my insecurities get in the way of anything good. I ended up contacting someone who was related to my dad. I know I've said it in a bunch of my other posts but this was earlier on. Some woman who was married into the family reached out to my dad, and I asked her what he told her. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to stop here. I wish you all the best really!"my heart was crushed when I got that response. I got my hopes up but I shouldn't have. Even though I had a beautiful woman in my life who treated me better than any woman ever had, I felt dead inside. It was around the holidays and I started going into a depression. Around that time she left me and things got worse! All of my sorrow and hurt from the rejection from my father was directed towards my ex-girlfriend. I missed her like crazy and she left me like I was nothing! She knew I had a good heart and that I loved her but other people broke us up. I didn't want to be around her sister's boyfriend and she didn't like my mom. At the very end we just didn't see eye to eye on things, and she left. I helped her with all of her stuff and I hoped for her to come back but she didn't. After a couple weeks she told me she slept with another guy but it was just a one-night stand. That crushed me right there. I wasn't able to afford the rent on my own so my mother moved in with me along with my stepdad. My stepfather always hated me and he always put doubt in my mind. I think one of the reasons why I have social anxiety is because of him along with being bullied growing up and being abused by our family members. But my stepdad always discouraged me with everything. You'll never make it in life. You'll never have anything. He'd always say. Anytime I got a girlfriend he'd get upset and act negative towards me. It's not going to last trust me she'll leave you. He told me those things millions of times for years. He never believed in me. I was back stuck in the house because my ex had the car and I wasn't comfortable walking around on foot. What made things worse was my stepdad was telling me that he was seeing a bunch o my enemies around the neighborhood. I knew he was telling the truth because I seen a couple of them too but they didn't see me. I was always in the house going nuts! I started having multiple mental breakdowns from getting cabin fever. All of the negative put downs from my stepfather and being stuck in the house 24/7 brought me to a point where I wasn't myself! My stepdad turned all the neighbors against me with horrible fake rumors! Of course dumb people are going to believe them but I've always tried to be a good person and have a good image and that was taken from me since a child! My uncle who abused me and hated my guts all throughout my life was on the streets and I had a heart. I always try to reach out to him and be a friend but he never treated me as family. I was always a stranger but most of all an enemy. He beat me from the age 7 until I finally beat him up at 16 years old! But anyways when I invited him into our home he instantaneously turned on me and started siding with my stepdad telling all the neighbors that I was a scumbag! It got to the point where I felt like I wasn't a human being! I couldn't even talk to the neighbors because they just gave me dirty looks! No one liked me around there and all I did was isolate! Everything changed when my ex-girlfriend left! My anxiety got worse! I lost all confidence in myself! She was the only woman who really accepted me! The owner of the property wanted me out of there because I restarted to refuse to pay rent! I did that because I wanted to save up to buy a car! I wanted a job I wanted my own! Everyday I was in the house dwelling over negativity! This went on for months and months and between that my mother would turn on me as she did when I was a child. She couldn't handle my mental health problems. My OCD started getting really bad! I kept calling hotlines trying to get help! Parole had me stuck in my county! Every time my OCD came out my mother would run out the house and go get the neighbors and make a big deal and draw attention to me! That was one of my biggest childhood triggers and it still is till this day! She's done that millions and millions of times! Running out of the house when there was nothing going on just trying to set me up and get people involved! That just made my anxiety worse! I know it can only get so bad but it was pretty damn bad at that point! I ended up getting a car and the owner was threatening to have it towed because he couldn't wait one week until I paid him rent! They were all telling me to sleep in my car! My uncle was on their side he wanted me out for good! I never did a damn thing to him ask him to be my uncle! He always hated me and I think it's because he always hated my mother. The cops were coming out and tackling me to the ground as all the neighbors taunted me and pointed and laughed! They made fun of me as the woman who hated me and my ex-girlfriend with a passion since the day we moved in, did the most. Let's line up chairs and get popcorn!"she said with excitement. She had deep animosity towards me. They started assuming that I was a p***y because I never left the house due to enemies. But that wasn't the case. If anyone was to attack me I'd give it my all anytime! They didn't have people who would try to stab, jump or shoot them if they crossed paths. It was bad for me and I felt feared for my life! I still walk to the store but I only did it maybe once or twice a month and I usually had to drink a little bit before I did so so I could have the courage! Well I had my car I got a job but my car was impounded because I parked it and someone's parking place. Bad luck just kept happening and the owner wanted me out! The neighbors kept trying me and I started snapping on all of them! I could only take so much! I wanted them to leave me alone and I wanted the owner to lay off my back but they didn't give two sh*ts about my situation. No one did. He got to the point where I got tackled on The ground by the cops once again on Easter Sunday as the neighbors antagonized me! I ended up getting 5150 again and sent to Kaiser hospital. The owner was threatening me through text. You better not come back here. Before the cops arrived I was going to fight a white guy with glasses who was trying to get crazy with me. He was pushing me at the wrong time and I just didn't care! I ran towards him but he pulled out of hammer ready to bash me in the head with it! I think he even ran towards me a bit but the owner grabbed him. The owner told me that I better not go back there or the guy with the hammer was going to get me. I was so infuriated from everything! I was thinking about doing some things that could change my life for the worst! All I was doing was avoiding a situation and getting hit with another one for doing so! I didn't want to walk around carrying a gun with that mentality living that lifestyle! That's the only way I would be able to walk around there. A couple of the neighbors put restraining orders on me to get me off the property butt he end came where I ended up homeless. Well I didn't think I was going to be homeless. I spoke with the woman the phone and I told her my situation. I explained everything to her and she seems so nice with hospitality in her. I'm going to give you a break and let you just move in. You don't need to be going through all that!"she said. In the middle of the night, I left with a suitcase and my cat chasing me down the street. I felt so bad I had to leave her. I got the cat for my ex and her kids but when she left I kept her. My stepfather told everybody that it was his cat and no one even thought that it was mine but they all loved her. I took a lift out to an area I was familiar with and I waited a few hours until I could meet with the woman. My anxiety wasn't doing well and I was so afraid that I wouldn't make a good first impression with her! It's just a reoccurring thing that's always happened with me. People get the nervous five and they assume I'm hiding something or that I'm a bad guy or something else! Whatever it is they always feel it in me but they take it as aggression or agitation. I was a nervous wreck and I walked up the stairs to meet the woman in her office. As we spoke I could feel my mouth frowning as if I wasn't in a good mood. I showed her nothing but respect and I tried my best to make a good impression on her but my lack of confidence and doubt made me think otherwise. I mentioned the fact that I was on parole and she wanted to know a bunch of things about me. I have to admit you have a really intimidating demeanor to you. The woman told me. Then she said that she would have to talk with all the neighbors and see if they were comfortable letting me move in. If anyone here feels unsafe in any type of way just by the appearance of you you're out of here! She said with a blank look on her face. She was a straight Karen. I kept trying to assure her that I was a good person and I was laid back but she told me she'd give me a call. But I never got a call back and she ended up telling me to lose her number or she'd call my parole agent. Wow I thought to myself. From then on I went to the streets for almost a year. I went through judgment. Rejection from women and it was hard for me to stay in the shelter because of my disorder. A lot of the people on the streets and who lived there at the facility had a bad mentality and all they talked about was beating up people shooting up drugs and pretty much just violence and gang banging. I remember I lasted one day at the shelter. I got a job and a worker said they would pick me up but they left me out there till 3:00 in the morning and when I got back everyone started complaining because I was making noise not on purpose. The whole dorm was on me under their breaths laying down and that made me feel so uncomfortable. That was my last time going there. After so long I gave up and went right back to where my mom stepdad and Uncle were. I stayed in the house 24/7 again for months. I got 5150 a few times and I almost stabbed a few of the neighbors. Every time I asked my mother where the kitchen knife was so I could walk to the store and feel safe she'd run out the house and get the neighbors to try to jump me and that's why I almost stabbed a bunch of them one night. After that the cops were called and I almost got shot. They held me a gunpoint and threatened to blow my brains out! They were all young on the I knew that they would. I was in the backseat trying to explain myself to the cops just like I tried to explain myself to everyone. I'm stuck in the house! I'm stuck in the house! I'm stuck in the house! No one ever wanted to hear it. The cops just laughed at me and took me to jail for drunk in public. I only had two beers in me! By that time there was a new owner and she hated my guts before she even met me! She wanted us all out and we ended up homeless. My older sister who also has mental health issues took us in. I had to get permission for my PO to go out there because my sister lived out of state and I got a 45-day pass. My sister knew what I was going through my other sister did along with people who knew the family but deep down they didn't care! My she promised me hope of a dream! When I went to Portland I still had bad anxiety but I forced myself to go out. It was around the time when covid was being spread and everyone was wearing masks. My sister told me to stay in the house 24/7 but that's what I was used to I needed to breathe! I needed to heal! I didn't listen and I went as many places as I could! I never felt so happy in my life! But my sister took that from me and told my PO that she didn't want me living there. She wanted to be able to control me so I went back to Sacramento during a pandemic and I started drinking on a daily basis on an empty stomach and in 100° weather. Everyone was treating me like crap. I took it for about 14 days before I literally snapped and I charged at a security guard full force. I ended up going to jail and back to prison for criminal threats. I went to the mental health floor because I felt more comfortable there. But I still went through hell with the cops. I went through a lot of depression and misery. Everyday I was having homicidal and suicidal thoughts. All I could do was think back at all the people who wronged me in life and tried to antagonize me when I completely lost it! I felt like all those people should be punished! I constantly thought about them and I constantly thought about my ex and I constantly thought about all the downfalls in my life. I spent a year in jail before I went to prison for 7 months. I got beat up by cops before I got there and when I got to reception two officers grab me by the throat and slam me against the wall because I was confused on which clothes to pick up! I didn't do anything! I stood there puzzled in my boxers as they tossed me on the wall and then in a cell for about 5 hours! I was going to try to go to the hospital for sure but I kept thinking that I was only going to get out in 90 days but that never happened. I got released right back to the streets and I dealt with more judgment and more people thinking I was a piece of crap on the ground. I never speak to anyone! People with social anxiety are the opposite of social but I was excluded from society for being homeless. The way I am towards people people are always like that with me especially being on the streets! I was loner out there. All the other homeless people were mentally ill and on the streets. Not saying social anxiety isn't an illness but some of these people were just dangerous and I remember only being out for a week and some guy was circling me with a crowbar on a bike as I was trying to sleep. My mother and stepfather ended up in a shelter program where they gave them their own hotel room. In order to be there you had to have a mental health issue or a physical element. I tried to get in there but a navigator I got hooked up with only wanted to put me in a rehab! I wasn't drinking or doing drugs and I still don't other than cannabis. I wanted in the program my mother was but it was impossible. Like everywhere, Mike turned everyone in the shelter against me. There was no love or respect at all when I hit the prison gate! I was right there across the street camping. I went and slept all over the place around there. I was The outsider. I never wanted to talk to anyone in the shelter because most of them were he**in addicts prostitutes and tweakers. But they all tried to judge me. Stranger danger I heard a woman say one time. I was so irritated! All of the homeless weren't my type of people and I didn't fit into the middle class society. I was always by myself or hanging out with my mother outside of the shelter. All of the staff would line up and stare at us. It was weird. They always were under the impression that I was going to try to sneak in her room but I would never put her in Jeopardy like that! it's because that's the way they thought. it was their mentalities. I ended up getting a job at a restaurant up the street and I held it for about 6 months. Around that time it was getting really cold outside. Everyone at the shelter along with the staff were hating on me. They thought I was going to fail but I was doing it from the streets. I ended up buying a tent and putting it near a train track right across the street from the shelter. I left it there and went to work everyday but one day it was gone and most of my stuff was as well. Someone told me who it was and I confronted him and he denied it. He was some tweaker spun out with schizophrenia. "I didn't steal your tent but I have an even better tent for you."he said. He went to the shelter and came out with a army style tent and help me set it up right where my last one was stolen. The very next day that one was gone. I was in raged from everything! I didn't want any conflicts but I felt like I had no choice! When I seen the guy again I started swinging on him but he ran from me. When I started working at that restaurant it was hard for me. I had to learn to adjust to be around other people. The good thing was that a lot of people showed hospitality towards me and I started coming out of my anxiety. I still had it. Especially around pretty girls. There was a couple times that I thought two or three of them were making moves on me and I started freezing up inside! I thought that maybe they sensed it. Maybe they didn't. who knows. But when everyone found out that I was homeless, they kept their distance. There was a couple of guys who were still cool and we went out and smoked blunts on our breaks. It was pretty lenient where I worked. But anyways around that time, me, my mother and stepfather got approved for a one bedroom apartment across town. It was back in enemy territory but at that point I didn't care anymore. I didn't even have a desire to live. I felt like a soul full of Lost dreams and I still do. I ended up transferring my work location but the new people there weren't so friendly. They were all distant from me from the beginning. I didn't really take it personal. The only way for me to be outgoing is for someone to reach out and be outgoing with me so I know they're friendly and they weren't doing that. It made me more standoffish and I feel awkward every day I showed up. It got worse and worse and more awkward. There was a lot of pretty girls who worked there and I got up the courage to talk to a couple of them and they turned me down instantly. Maybe that's why they didn't like me but they knew I didn't speak to anyone. That's because they didn't make me feel comfortable enough. I'm not saying it's there obligation to do that but it made things hard for me. They made it clear that they didn't want me there and even the supervisor was trying to push me out. It was affecting my mental health off the clock and I kept debating about quitting but I knew I needed the money! I showed up everyday as they did their best to make me feel uncomfortable! I was a dishwasher so dishes were slammed my way no respect was shown until I showed them my other side. That made some of them fear me. I didn't want that. I was just in an awkward situation where no one said a word to me! It got to the point where I quit! I couldn't take it anymore! On top of that, my mother was bringing back my childhood psychosis! For no reason at all she started running out of the house and the new place, making all the neighbors think that I was doing something to her. This is a story that's been happening since I was 7 years old and it's made me have so much issues with my own mom because of it. I'm not that type of person and I would never hurt my own mother but she makes people think that and it brings my anxiety to a point where I can't even take out the trash! Not out of fear. Out of embarrassment! The feeling I had when I was a child when all of my friends' parents told them not to hang out with me. My mom never wanted me to have a normal life and she tried to convince me that I was disabled since then too. Your handicap. Your disabled she'd always tell me. She never had any type of faith in me other than I was mentally ill from OCD and I was backed up in school with anger issues in class. My mom would hold me down while my old stepfather shoved chili peppers down my throat. She held me down as he whooped my feet with the buckle of his belt until my feet were black and blue. When I was 12 years old, She let her next boyfriend beat me up for no reason until I was unconscious on the ground. Then she had me put away because of it. There was never any fight or dispute. He just got up and started pounding me out and my mom came in yelling at me as I was pouring blood on the ground. I was a good kid and I volunteered every week at a church. Me and my mom weren't having any problems. Maybe that was only for a few weeks because she was always tripping off me for having friends. She didn't want me having any type of friends at all and anytime she seen me hanging out with anyone she went out side to push my buttons. She knew my triggers and she wanted to make me feel ashamed. I always ended up back talking her and calling her out of her name. I had no respect for my mom. Maybe it's because of the way she raised me. She was always messing with me constantly. Anyways I'm still here living with them in the one bedroom apartment. From the very beginning my stepdad started spreading bad rumors about me and my mom started running out of the house as if something was happening to her. She's doing it deliberately to set me up it's all intentional and that's what hurts me the most! She's making people think that I'm a scumbag and I'm not doing one thing to her! For the past few months I've been isolating. My mental health is at its worst! It's nothing but a replay that's been happening for years and all I want to do is escape. Because of my issues I can't even hold a job right now! My OCD is making me do things repeatedly and I'm having intrusive thoughts and I'm having really bad anxiety like always! I have no source of income. I'm always starving and I applied for welfare damn near 9 months ago and they denied me. I'm entitled that government money but they won't even give me that! I'm just at a bad point in my life but the upper side of things are I'm getting off parole in 3 weeks. It's been so long since I've had the feeling of really being free! Not long ago me my mom and stepdad were approved for an apartment across the street but at the last minute they denied us after we already gave our notice. My stepfather is a full-blown alcoholic and we get nothing but complaints around here from him. He's always out there I'm always in here but everyone in the complex hates me like usual. The manager here is in willing to go back on the notice. She wants us out of here and half of me is stressed out but the other half of me is happy! The only thing holding me back i from being in this city is parole. I got out my first term when I was 28 years old and now I'm about to be 36. I have no desire to stay here but the bad part is I have no money. I called a couple of shelters out of state and they're willing to accept me. I'll be in a dorm with my pet cat so I'm a little nervous but I have been taking medication. I have a good psychiatrist finally and she prescribed me Klonopin which really helps. I'm also on relaxation and Seroquel to help me sleep. I made my mind up and I'm going to make the best out of things like I always do. This time I'll be off parole and out of here for good! I have no idea how I'm going to get there. I'm probably going to jump on one of those trains and lay low and hopefully make it to my destination. But I'm really excited! I need the chance to finally heal! I came to terms that I have no family. My sisters were never there for me and no one else cared. Mind you, my family is very small. My mom is the on the only one who I truly love in this world. She has been there for me through thick and thin but I know that she's not good for me! I want a good ending to my story and the only way to do that is to start fresh by myself. I appreciate everyone who took the time to read this post.