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Kokomo Gazette Welcome to The Kokomo Gazette! Your satirical source for quirky takes on breaking news, local updates, and community stories in the City of Firsts.
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16/03/2024

Title: Kokomo Police Investigate Mischievous Door Sign Vandalism

By Mike Watkins

Kokomo's streets are abuzz with reports of a peculiar form of vandalism plaguing the town: the covert switching of door signs from "push" to "pull" and vice versa. This seemingly innocuous prank took a dangerous turn when 70-year-old Nancy Parker fell victim to it at the local billiards hall, Break and Run on Apperson Way.

Nancy's attempt to enter the establishment turned into a harrowing ordeal when she encountered an improperly labeled door. The resulting confusion led to a serious injury, leaving her with a broken nose, orbital bone, and a throat injury from partially swallowing her dentures. Although Nancy was unavailable for comment, her grandson, Henry, assured us that this setback wouldn't deter her from her passion for billiards, stating, "This won't keep her out of the pool halls. She's a shark."

As the community rallies around Nancy, one of her pool league teammates expressed the sentiment shared by many, noting that they'll need a substitute for her this weekend. However, no one can truly replace "bird dog" Nancy Parker, affectionately named for her keen focus and ability to detect when the pizza is burning in the pool hall.

The Kokomo Police Department urges anyone with information regarding this incident to come forward and contact their tip line. As the investigation unfolds, the community remains vigilant against such reckless acts of vandalism, emphasizing the importance of maintaining public safety and security for all residents.

Kokomo's St. Patrick's Day Protest: A Pot of Controversy Brews at Cook McDoogalsBy Mike WatkinsTensions rise in Kokomo a...
16/03/2024

Kokomo's St. Patrick's Day Protest: A Pot of Controversy Brews at Cook McDoogals

By Mike Watkins

Tensions rise in Kokomo as the local Irish community plans a protest on St. Patrick's Day at Cook McDoogals Irish Pub, alleging cultural appropriation and theft of their heritage. Randy O'hearn, a long-time Kokomo resident, expressed the sentiment shared by many, stating, "They've stolen everything from us. Our food, our liquor, and livelihood."

The protest's organizers, remaining unnamed, have issued a ransom letter to The Kokomo Gazette, demanding restitution for what they perceive as cultural theft. The list includes 20 cases of Jameson Whiskey, 100 boxes of Lucky Charms, and a $10,000 donation to the local Catholic church. The ultimatum suggests that unless these demands are met, nobody will set foot in Cook McDoogals on St. Patrick's Day.

While the owner of Cook McDoogals has chosen not to comment, one server hinted at potential consequences, remarking, "If there was a Conor McGregor fight this weekend, we'd be in a heap of trouble."

The protest highlights deeper tensions surrounding cultural appropriation and the commercialization of traditions. It serves as a reminder to consider the significance of cultural heritage and the responsibility of businesses to honor and respect it.

As Kokomo prepares for St. Patrick's Day, the dispute at Cook McDoogals serves as a sobering reminder of the complexities surrounding cultural identity and the importance of mutual understanding and respect within our community.

The Hip Hugger Reinvents the Game: Chicken Tenders and Happy Hour SpecialsDate: March 15, 2024By Declan FinneganIn a bol...
15/03/2024

The Hip Hugger Reinvents the Game: Chicken Tenders and Happy Hour Specials

Date: March 15, 2024

By Declan Finnegan

In a bold move to stay ahead of the game, The Hip Hugger, affectionately known as "the hugger" among locals, is set to shake up the scene with an unexpected addition to their menu: chicken tenders. The decision comes as the club gears up to compete with the new Raising Canes fast food restaurant across the street.

Owner of The Hip Hugger, who preferred to remain anonymous, remarked, "We've always prided ourselves on having the best chicks in town." Now, with the introduction of chicken tenders, they're ready to prove that their culinary offerings are just as enticing as their entertainment.

Adding to the allure, one of the club's st*****rs revealed, "We put special sauce on our chicken too." This tantalizing detail promises a unique flavor experience that patrons won't find anywhere else.

The move comes amidst growing discontent among Kokomo locals regarding the influx of chain restaurants into the area. The Hip Hugger's decision to diversify its menu is a direct response to the demands of the community, signaling a commitment to meeting their needs and desires.

But that's not all—The Hugger is also rolling out a new happy hour special. Between 5 pm and 7 pm, patrons who purchase a dance will receive a 3-piece combo of chicken tenders, further enhancing the club's reputation as a one-stop destination for entertainment and dining.

With these exciting developments, The Hip Hugger is not only reinventing itself but also reaffirming its status as a beloved local establishment. By offering something unique and appealing to the community, they're poised to maintain their stronghold in the face of stiff competition from national chains.

So, if you're in the mood for some top-notch entertainment paired with delicious eats, look no further than The Hip Hugger. With their new chicken tenders and happy hour specials, they're raising the bar and setting a new standard for nightlife in Kokomo.

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