Emotional Check-in (2024)

18/04/2022

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Emotional safety is important when fostering meaningful connections, especially in a loving and a healthy relationship. It is feeling safe enough to express yourself with someone and be your true and most authentic self.

Emotional safety is key to develop and build a healthy and happy relationship. There are multiple ways in which you can create emotional safety and different ways will work for different people. It may take time to build emotional safety, but the result of this a relationship that is built on trust, respect and support.

Building emotional safety will make you feel seen, heard and connected to yourself and your partner. It is important to be patient with each other and give it time to build up in order to reap the benefits of being open with each other.

Disclaimer: Instagram is NOT therapy. Please use this information as a guide since everyone's experiences are different and the information I share may or may not be relevant to your experiences. Please read the disclaimer in highlights.

18/04/2022

Repost from *xtherapy
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There is an assumption that pleasuring a p***s is more straightforward than pleasuring a cl****is, and that it requires little to no creativity or exploration. This is absolutely false. Every person, no matter their ge****ls, is unique and has different preferences for how they like to be touched.

When using any of these techniques mentioned, l**e is your friend. The skin on the p***s and surrounding areas is extremely sensitive, and l**e helps enhance pleasure and reduce unpleasant friction. Combining certain techniques may enhance pleasure as well. When exploring different types of touch and sensation, don't be shy to play with a soft p***s. Playing with a soft p***s doesn't necessarily have to result in er****on or or**sm in order for touch to be pleasurable.

Let's talk about gender-affirming ways to touch a p***s. The p***s and cl****is are homologous structures, meaning that they have the same basic components arranged in different ways. There is no reason that a p***s can't be touched in similar ways that we touch a cl****is, and vice versa (see our 8 Ways to Touch a V***a post). Furthermore, give yourself permission to explore these techniques with a strap-on as well. Even if the strap-on wearer isn't experiencing physical sensation from these techniques, the visual stimulus of watching themselves or their partner pleasure the strap-on could be a very euphoric experience.

As addressed in the post, the p***s and surrounding areas can be pleasured with fingers, tongue/mouth, and toys. Some toys you might want to try could be a vi****or or wand, stroker, butt plug, prostate massager, d***o, or c**k ring. Make sure that any toys being inserted into the a**s have a flared base.

Caption continued in the comments*

Alt text available

Coauthored by: QST Educator Lena Peak and QST Social Media Manager Yaz Harris

***r ***rS*xTherapy *xEd *xTherapist *xTherapy *x *xLife *xPositivity

18/04/2022

Repost from .love.therapist
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Often in relationships we develop resentments and habitual frustrations to our partner’s flaws. Once we’ve established our deal-breakers, if we decide to stay we have two options: we can either accept our partner’s flaws or resist them and suffer. We cannot make someone change. We can make a request, but repeated requests turn into nagging and lead to resentments and drama. ⁠
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Remember, we are not talking about accepting flaws that are red flags (abuse, mistreatment, dishonesty, neglect, etc). Acceptance does not mean allowing your partner to take advantage of you. Flaws do not leave lasting mental, emotional or physical scars. If you start to notice the negative aspects of the relationship outweigh the positive ones, you may need to consider other things (moving on, therapy, etc) before working on acceptance. ⁠
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Accepting your partner’s flaws reduces tension and increases connection, love and respect in healthy relationships. Unconditional love is the goal - to love and be loved for your true self. This gives you the safety and security needed for growth. ⁠
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What flaws are you currently working to accept in your relationships? ⁠
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Let’s

18/04/2022

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This by no means is saying that it’s easy or accessible to all. But it’s an invitation to discover *potential* energy. When you feel like things are out of control, focus on what you *can* do. Even when things are “in control” focus on what you can actually do, here now, to not burn out. This allows for greater freedom ( and space ) within. And, a powerful way to protect our energy.

There’s many more not included here.
But this is just a start❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥

18/04/2022

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🤎 this is geared toward newer relationships, or relationships where the majority of the relationship- you’re dissatisfied (especially since the beginning).

A note that people in LTR may experience a different kind of struggle , due mostly to the longevity of the relationship.

⇨ 𝐇𝐢! 𝐈𝐟 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐥𝐨𝐜𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐢𝐧 𝐂𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐚 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐥𝐨𝐨𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐚 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐩𝐢𝐬𝐭, 𝐜𝐥𝐢𝐜𝐤 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐤 𝐢𝐧 𝐛𝐢𝐨 𝐭𝐨 𝐬𝐜𝐡𝐞𝐝𝐮𝐥𝐞 𝐚 𝐟𝐫𝐞𝐞 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐮𝐥𝐭𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧.

⇨ 𝐈𝐟 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐚𝐧 𝐨𝐫𝐠𝐚𝐧𝐢𝐳𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐨𝐫 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐩𝐚𝐧𝐲 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐰𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐀𝐥𝐲𝐬𝐬𝐚 𝐭𝐨 𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐚𝐤 𝐚𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐧𝐞𝐱𝐭 𝐰𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐧𝐭, 𝐬𝐮𝐛𝐦𝐢𝐭 𝐚𝐧 𝐢𝐧𝐪𝐮𝐢𝐫𝐲 𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐦 𝐭𝐡𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡 𝐰𝐰𝐰.𝐚𝐥𝐲𝐬𝐬𝐚𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐰𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐬.𝐜𝐨𝐦/𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐤𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐩𝐬

18/04/2022

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Life transitions - even the best of them can shift relationships. I got married about a year ago — and I noticed such a shift in how I interacted in spaces with that transition. I felt my identity was shifting, my needs, and priorities. Many people say they feel the same with transitions such as new jobs, new relationships, loss, or big events in a family (e.g. marriage, kids, divorce, etc.).

HOW I coped with many of my new transitions is different than how others did. Even when I moved to NYC a few years ago from the midwest - I felt so alone in the process in my relationships (and even with my now husband). My internal world of shifting circumstances was something I wasn’t able to describe to others and in turn, they didn’t know how to support me.

There’s this dual process of trying to understand yourself in relationships and show up/connect in relationships that can feel hard to balance. Showing up and connecting with yourself authentically is the first step in connecting with others, especially during tough transitions (which is something it took me many years to realize).

It’s my hope that this post normalizes for you that it’s OKAY if you feel alone in your relationships - now or in the future especially during big transitions. There is nothing wrong with you as you’re in the process of ‘reconnecting’ with yourself and learning what your needs are in relationships. It’s okay to take it day by day.

If this post resonated with you, I’m hosting a 2 part workshop on Understanding and Coping with Loneliness (recording will be available). Attendees get two ebooks to facilitate the healing process in loneliness and to help gain insight on how to master this emotion in the future. I would love to see you there, you can sign up at the link in my bio. If you have any questions regarding the workshop, send me a DM.💙

18/04/2022

Repost from .love.therapist
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Our core beliefs about ourselves, others, and the world are formed by our experiences, especially our early experiences. If you’ve experienced any type of trauma, you’ve likely made sense of it by adapting your beliefs. ⁠
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If you hold any of the beliefs listed above, they are probably affecting your personal relationships in a significant way. You may distrust others, long for connection & intimacy but be afraid to let anyone get close, be sensitive to rejection & fear abandonment, or find yourself in unstable & chaotic relationships. ⁠
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Emotional impacts of trauma can include feelings of fear, anxiety, confusion, sadness, guilt, shame, anger, irritability, shock, and denial. ⁠
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Common physical symptoms of trauma include: fatigue, numbness, aches and pains, racing heart, muscle tension, and feeling jumpy or on edge. ⁠
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Can you relate to any of this? What are some other beliefs you might hold as a response to trauma? How does it affect your relationships? ⁠
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Let’s

05/04/2022

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Sharing a few dating reframes. Which one resonates with you most?

05/04/2022

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Here are some of most common things that drain our energy. Have you realized what drains your energy the most?

05/04/2022

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Hi, I hope your dreams this weekend weren’t full of neoliberal demons telling you to love yourself as you float into the void. If so, remember people will show up for you & love you in ways that will teach you to accept yourself. Also- working on yourself is about being a better community member & reciprocating healthy love in relationships, not about acquiring more material possessions, career success & hoarding wealth. Okie bye 👋🏾

——————

✨My newsletter bridging science and social justice—> wokescientist.substack.com

🌹To sign up for 1 on 1 mentorship sessions or collaborate:
ayesha-khan.com

🧠 Listen to our new podcast Disorderland- on the weird & terrible world of capitalist mental health

All links in bio!

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To donate to my mutual aid fund:

🔹 Cashapp $ayeshakhan4
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31/03/2022

Repost from .holistic.psychologist
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I feel like, for me, one of the hardest part of doing the work is finding the space of being empathetic without taking on someone else’s emotions as your own. Learning how to know what’s your “stuff” and someone else’s “stuff.”

Thoughts?

31/03/2022

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I have never before had as much love in my life as I do these days😌.

And I’m single.

The last few years I have learned that there are types of love just as big and consuming and filling as the love of a s*xual/romantic parter... maybe even bigger, more consuming, and more filling.

And that’s the love I share with my friends.

On this love day, I want celebrate that love✨.

That love which is dynamic and shape-shifting and life-changing and so full of mutual care.

Here, some of the ways I try to show my friends love, based on the way they receive love.

31/03/2022

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S*x is typically the first thing that comes to mind when we think if intimacy. However, intimacy is much more than that. It refers to the closeness and affection we feel in relationships.

Four main types of intimacy are:
𝗘𝗺𝗼𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝗮𝗹 𝗶𝗻𝘁𝗶𝗺𝗮𝗰𝘆 - Connection based on emotional safety, vulnerability, and trust.
𝑫𝒐: Support their dreams, listen to what they have to say, validate how they feel, follow up with things that are important to them/ask questions, share how you're feeling, express your needs
𝑫𝒐𝒏'𝒕: dismiss how they feel, lie or break trust, criticize or make mean comments, keep your feelings in then become reactive when they don't know what you're thinking

𝗣𝗵𝘆𝘀𝗶𝗰𝗮𝗹 𝗶𝗻𝘁𝗶𝗺𝗮𝗰𝘆 - Connection through physical touch and closeness between bodies
𝑫𝒐: Link arms when walking, hold their hand, play with their hair, brush their arm, give massages, rub their shoulders
𝑫𝒐𝒏'𝒕: Only touch them when you want s*x, jump right into s*x without foreplay, push their hand away every time (regarding nons*xual touch), keep it to yourself if you're uncomfortable with physical touch

𝗜𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗹𝗹𝗲𝗰𝘁𝘂𝗮𝗹/𝗠𝗲𝗻𝘁𝗮𝗹 𝗶𝗻𝘁𝗶𝗺𝗮𝗰𝘆 - Feeling safe to communicate and share ideas
𝑫𝒐: Acknowledge their thoughts and opinion; discuss differing views respectfully, be open to learning from them, check in to ensure you're on similar pages, have conversations that stimulate you intellectually
𝑫𝒐𝒏'𝒕: Try to prove them wrong, ignore their views, shoot down their ideas, criticize their opinions

𝗦𝗽𝗶𝗿𝗶𝘁𝘂𝗮𝗹 𝗶𝗻𝘁𝗶𝗺𝗮𝗰𝘆 - Closeness based on spiritual ideologies, deeper meaning or purpose.
𝑫𝒐: Go to church together or support their decision to go, enjoy nature together, discuss your values and spirituality, encourage a deeper sense of purpose, respect their spirituality even if you don't agree with it
𝑫𝒐𝒏'𝒕: Joke about their spiritual beliefs, pick apart their ideologies, prove their religion or spirituality wrong

✨If you'd like to increase intimacy in your relationships, apply these tips and go at your own pace. You can save this post to refer back to later.✨

Follow for more on relationships 💓

31/03/2022

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A message to everyone I slept with in college... and the folks who continue to think that a person practicing non-monogamy is a throw-away.

Folks blame "casual s*x" as a the reason relationships are hard to find. In reality, it's not casual s*x. It's our attitudes around the humanity of folks we engage in these relationships with.

Not only that, but if you're a marginalized woman, you're going to be treated even more carelessly. If you are fat, a woman of color, darker skinned, trans, or otherwise don't fit into the "perfect wifey" box.

How do we deal with this? Personally, I deny access to folks who have these mindsets. If potential partners display s*x-negative opinions or misogynistic opinions? I get the f*ck out of there! We should hold our friends accountable for their actions if they're behaving poorly. It's how we create collective care.

30/03/2022

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Anxiously-attached people often have a pattern of dating emotionally UNavailable people.

In order to know shift this pattern, it’s helpful to understand what a emotionally AVAILABLE person look and feel like.

So…. here are some of the signs! (This can also apply in other relationships too).

Check out my previous posts on emotional unavailability for more!

Do you resonate with this?

Is there something else that you’d like to add to the list?? id love to hear from you!

30/03/2022

Repost from .therapist
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Embrace your humanity – it will decrease your level of disappointment. This doesn’t mean we should cease to grow and heal, it just implies we should have realistic expectations (and grace).

30/03/2022

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This applies to all relationships including those we share with friends, family members, co-workers and children 🌸 practice respecting people’s preferences and feelings in non-s*xual contexts and spaces. People have different boundaries and asking before doing or assuming is always a good thing 💕

30/03/2022

Repost from .love.therapist
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Each of these is a protective response of the ego when it feels threatened. ⁠
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The perceived threat may come from an immediate trigger like a comment your boss makes that touches on an insecurity. OR the perceived threat can come from a general sense of lack of safety, often stemming from your childhood environment. For example, a critical parent with high expectations or a parent that did not give you enough attention. ⁠
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The ego projects or shuts down to protect. ⁠
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The Gottman Institute has found that criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling are 4 communication styles that, based on their research, predict the end of a relationship. ⁠
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Their research shows that women tend to be more critical, and men are more likely to stonewall. Women are most likely to be critical if the male partner has been unresponsive or irritable earlier in the day. Men are more likely to stonewall when they are physiologically activated (think fight/flight, sympathetic nervous system activation). ⁠
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Which of these 4 types of communication show up in your communication?⁠
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Let’s

30/03/2022

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Distracted During S~x? How to Stop Spectatoring and be in the Moment 🤠

⭐️ Spectatoring is allowing doubts and distractions to interfere with your s*xual activity, preventing you from focusing on the moment.

⭐️ If you find yourself spectatoring you may find s*x less enjoyable and even begin to avoid it.

⭐️ Mindfulness has been proven to help spectators learn to stay in the moment and experience true s*xual pleasure.

30/03/2022

Repost from
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Be compassionate and patient with yourself. You cannot be emotionally available and experience true intimacy if you are not willing to feel and experience the vulnerability that it brings. To love and be emotionally available means to take risks.

Your thoughts?

30/03/2022

Repost from
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Sometimes when I see the lack of Black representation in non-monogamy, I am reminded of what it took to get us there.

I see White influencers benefit from their ancestors brutality when it comes to non monogamous relationships - whether they know it or not. Due to this BIPOC are OFTEN left out of the conversation when it comes to non-monogamy unless we are speaking for our race or being fetishized (see queen of Spades parties).

I want to uncover some of the ways why we as BIPOC - with a focus on the forced African diaspora - had any form of non-monogamous relationships demonized by colonizers, slavers, and white supremacy.

We are also alienated from discussions related to education of non-monogamy because our input is considered less valuable - hence again white supremacy.

🍄💕🌸
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29/03/2022

We’re back! And this time we are gathering in person for the first time in 2022!! 🌻

It's no secret that the last few years have been filled with very high highs and low lows. Many of us are still feeling like we holding on by a thread, and the world is not slowing down any time soon. Throughout all the ups and downs however, one thing remains the same: community is a means of survival.

That is why we are so excited to continue this monthly gathering and hold our first in person session where we can all come together to reflect, share and grow.

For this installment of Emotional Check-In, we are going to come together to break bread, shop, mingle, and deep dive into self-discovery through thoughtful workshops and exploring birth charts.

We are so excited to welcome our special guest speakers and to ~ tickets on sale now ✨ link in bio.

23/01/2022

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This describes the most common version of a disorganized attachment (on the anxious spectrum) I see in my work with couples. This version will show up in the role of the anxious partner in the relationship, but with more extreme levels of fear, distress and behaviors, and is most likely to be paired with an avoidant partner.

The other category is an impoverished disorganization which falls at the extreme end of an avoidant attachment.

Each disorganized category is driven by the conflict between the drive to seek comfort and safety from attachment figure, but with a simultaneous fear of an aversive response (rejecting, fearful, punitive) from attachment figure.

This approach/fear conflict results in severe disruptions of emotional coping skills, identity development, social cognition, capacity for intimacy, and communication skills.

Those in the oscillating category externalize their distress, while having periods of avoidance.

Those in the impoverished category internalize their distress with extreme cut off from emotions, and an impoverished sense of self and inner world. They often don’t seek relationships and/or closeness, as they have very little resources or access to self with which to connect with others.

For disorganized attachment, I highly recommend the books: “Complex PTSD” Pete Walker (which is excellent for all insecure attachment styles),” “The Body Keeps the Score” by Bessel van der Kolk, both of which can be purchased on my bookstore at:

https://shop.aer.io/SecureLove

You can also find a direct link to the store in my story post.

🙏Positive comments are welcome; genuine questions are welcome (I love answering your questions when I have time☺️); negative/demoralizing comments deleted; comments which show a misinterpretation of post and confuse the real issue, or which are intended to initiate a debate with me or other commenters, are deleted. I’m very protective of the emotional climate of my account. Thank you for understanding ❤️

23/01/2022

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For new followers…..I have a version of this post for all attachment styles throughout various places on my grid, and I’ll put “how to heal from an insecure attachment” on my story.

Positive comments are welcome; genuine questions are welcome (I love answering your questions when I have time☺️); negative/demoralizing comments deleted; comments which show a misinterpretation of post and confuse the real issue, or which are intended to initiate a debate with me or other commenters, are deleted. Thank you for understanding ❤️

23/01/2022

Repost from
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For new followers…..I have a version of this post for all attachment styles and I’ll put “how to heal from an insecure attachment” on my story.

Positive comments are welcome; genuine questions are welcome (I love answering your questions when I have time☺️); negative/demoralizing comments deleted; comments which show a misinterpretation of post and confuse the real issue, or which are intended to initiate a debate with me or other commenters, are deleted. Thank you for understanding ❤️

23/01/2022

Repost from .being
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One of the most asked questions I get is: “How do I become more self-aware?”⁣
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Your self-awareness impacts pretty much every aspect of your life -- from your ability to maintain relationships (with partners, colleagues, friends, etc.) to managing your career to the feelings you have about yourself.⁣
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One way to improve your self-awareness is to be curious and honest with yourself.⁣
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What do the patterns in your life tell you?⁣
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--⁣

23/01/2022

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It's so easy to feel powerless on this healing journey. You feel beaten by the pain, by the emotional strain and the burden of having to do this work yourself. There's so much we don't have control over when it comes to bringing the body and the nervous system back into balance in order to heal - and that can be frustrating AF.

We can't control how long it takes to recover, whether we may get worse before we get better, how our nervous system is triggered and when, the symptoms we have and whether they change or move, the effects our trauma has had on us or really how dysregulated we are at all.

BUT we do have control over REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT parts of our healing. Parts that are essential to this working for us long-term. And that's empowering! OK also frightening and overwhelming, but we DO have a hand in how this goes.

Also, focusing on what we CAN control rather than being devastated by what we CANNOT control will automatically reduce our anxiety around our situation.

Our nervous systems are looking for safety, and the majority of that comes from us, from our bodies, our breath our ability to soften our approach to ourselves. Our ability to set boundaries, protect and prioritise ourselves.

It's not easy by any means, but unfortunately, it's up to us to show up, no one else can hand us a magic pill on this path. It's within our power to do our part in our own healing.

With love and admiration always.

Dani ♥🙏🌹
mytmsjourney.com

23/01/2022

Repost from
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Do any of these resonate with you? Comment below 🧡✨

I highly recommend following .campbell who shares incredible advice helping women heal from heartbreak + toxic relationships and attracting an emotionally available man.

👉Follow .campbell
👉Follow .campbell
👉Follow .campbell
👉Follow .campbell

22/01/2022

Repost from
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SEXUAL INTIMACY AND OCD

Difficult topic to talk about, but so so so important for many on their OCD recovery journey.

This is something I have learned on my OCD recovery journey, and it definitely isn’t easy. As a very insecure person myself, my OCD would latch on to not being enough. Not good enough, not good enough, there’s been better. But with the right communication and understanding, this aspect of ROCD/ POCD/ SOOCD/ etc is as irrelevant as any other.

You aren’t alone, and have nothing to be guilty for. You’ve got this 💕

*xed

22/01/2022

Repost from *xtherapy
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If you answered yes to one more more of these………🌈

Half kidding.

(A very non-exhaustive list to get you going)

***r ***an *xual *xual

Emotional Check-in

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