Carolyn Hax, Advice Columnist

29/07/2024

"Dear Carolyn: I’m for sure a type A personality, and my partner is, well, not. She’s got kind of a hippie vibe. I adore her but struggle with our different approaches to things, particularly because I feel hers has negative consequences.

Today, our 6-year-old is starting swim lessons. My partner is taking him. I’m pretty confident they’re going to be late. We’ve been together 10 years, and I still have no idea how to tell her to not be late without her getting angry at me. What can I do?"

— Type A

For Carolyn's response: https://wapo.st/4diZcPL
Cartoon by Galifianakis

28/07/2024

"Hi, Carolyn: I recently had a huge fight with my girlfriend of three years. Our relationship is a good one; we talk of being married but have not set a wedding date.
Recently, she was on the phone with a college friend (male) who suggested the two of them take a vacation together on the opposite side of the country. I was not included in this vacation plan. I am currently attending classes and am not available. She was on the phone with this college friend and in no way was trying to hide the call or the plans from me. At the end of the call, I was furious. I stormed out of her house, and currently our relationship is in question.

I suspect this might be her way of getting me to propose sooner, but do you think her making these plans with a male friend is at all fair to me?"

— P.J.

For Carolyn's response: https://wapo.st/46kPw4W
Cartoon by Galifianakis

27/07/2024

"Dear Carolyn: My fiancé and I bought a house late last year, with help from his parents. Though we both make good salaries, he comes from a rich family, and I was raised by a single mom. His parents insisted on giving us the money for our down payment and closing costs, and my mom gave us a dishwasher, which was very generous of all of them and also appreciated.

We have been working like mad on fixing the house up to get it ready for our wedding. Neither of us is very experienced with DIY, so it’s been a difficult, stressful process and caused some tension between us. We were discussing what kind of flooring to get for the front hall, and I wanted the more expensive but easier-to-work-with stuff. We got into a fight that escalated to the point of him accusing me of being a gold digger who was after his money. I was in shock and asked him why he would think that, and he said, 'Because you told me about how you grew up poor,' and he’s had the thought in the back of his head since we bought the house. He told me he has a spreadsheet where he keeps track of how much he’s spent on me versus how much I’ve spent on him and he has spent thousands more on me, not even counting the money his parents gave us.

I told him that didn’t sound right since we split all costs 50/50, and he admitted it included my engagement ring. It is a family heirloom his great-aunt gave him, but he was counting the value of it.

Later he apologized, but I’m still hurt and angry. I feel paranoid that maybe his family said something. I’m really sad that all this time I’ve been loving him and thinking he was wonderful, and he’s been thinking this way about me and even documenting it so he could throw it in my face.

He’s said the spreadsheet is just an 'anxiety thing' and he loves me and wants us to work on fixing things. I think I do, too, but then I think of what he said and I get overwhelmed. How can I get over this?"

— “Gold Digger”

For Carolyn's response: https://wapo.st/3WBdHJc
Cartoon by Galifianakis

26/07/2024

It's Friday! You know what that means.

Advice columnist Carolyn Hax answers your questions about the strange train we call life.

26/07/2024

"Dear Carolyn: We got married overseas and did the 'legal bit' in a courthouse. Since the courthouse was small, we invited only close family and the wedding party, no significant others — who joined us for lunch after.

Friends and family were fine with this. However, my now-brother-in-law’s girlfriend interpreted this as a personal slight. BIL sent my husband a barrage of texts arguing for her to attend. I met with her to explain the seating (my aunt’s husband wasn’t going!) and said it wasn’t meant as a slight. She made clear she would not forgive me.

The courthouse ceremony went well, so imagine my surprise when she wore a transparent mesh dress with a black thong and no bra to our religious wedding. She has no history of wearing revealing clothes. I’m an only child, and this was an important day for my parents, so I am angry that she thought this was the way to voice her frustrations.

The wedding was amazing and we had the best time, but what do we do going forward? My husband and I have always been friendly with her. We’ve privately not had a high view, since she screams at waiters, is rude to my brother-in-law’s friends (I think he’s been isolated from them), etc., but never voiced these concerns. I don’t even know how to behave around her now.

It doesn’t help that my husband’s family insist this must have been an accident and we are being paranoid. They want my husband to reach out to his brother to 'hear his side.'

We think his brother will propose soon, which is obviously his choice, but means even more time with her. I want to let this go, but on top of feeling disrespected by the girlfriend, I now feel betrayed by the family. How do I move forward?"

— Angry

For Carolyn's response: https://wapo.st/3zQmMF5
Cartoon by Nick Galifianakis

25/07/2024

"Dear Carolyn: My wife and I recently moved back to the area where she grew up, near her brother and his wife. When we’re at a family gathering with them, they never express any interest in our lives or our children’s lives by asking questions, but love to talk at us about their interests and possessions. The conversation usually runs out when we are done asking them questions.

Is it possible to politely bring up the lack of interest in our lives without offending them, or is it even worthwhile attempting to change the trajectory of our relationships?"

— In-Laws

For Carolyn's response: https://wapo.st/3LEgpr4
Cartoon by Galifianakis

24/07/2024

"Dear Carolyn: My wife and I have a beautiful, precocious 3-year-old daughter, 'Violet.' Both my wife and I are teachers, her with a degree in early-childhood education, and me teaching English to teens. For Violet’s first two years, my wife stayed home with her, and we agreed that screens of any kind were verboten. We are pleased with her cognitive development, and partially attribute it to the no-screen rule — in addition to my wife being a rock-star educator.

We are both working full time again and are often exhausted at the end of the day. In addition to keeping Violet occupied by reading, playing and dancing, my wife and I have very little time to keep up with the housework, let alone time for ourselves to decompress. Our tempers can be short with each other and with Violet, and the stress is manifesting as health issues for both of us. We watch TV to relax, but that is out of the question during Violet’s waking hours.

For our sanity as well as Violet’s understanding of the greater world she lives in (peers, teachers, waiting rooms), I think it is time to introduce her to TV and movies, 30 minutes a day.

However, my wife thinks it may drift into longer, passive sessions meant to babysit rather than educate. She has also implied that I am lazy, attempting to shirk daddy duties — a can of worms for a future letter. Suffice it to say, there has been counseling, in part for a perceived lack of effort to adequately parent.

At work, I see the impact of excessive screen use on developing minds. But Violet cannot grow up in a bubble. And I think our marriage, whether my wife believes it or not, could benefit from a little family cuddling on the couch. I also believe something’s got to give, and if it’s not this, then it might be something more consequential that neither of us wants.

How do I broach the subject with my wife?"

— TV Dad

For Carolyn's response: https://wapo.st/3SlfShB
Cartoon by Nick Galifianakis

23/07/2024

"Dear Carolyn: My mom died just a couple of weeks ago. I was her primary caregiver, and my brothers both live about an hour away from me and have circumstances that kept them from visiting as frequently as any of us would have liked, but we supported one another in whatever ways we could.

During my mom’s decline, my brothers’ wives spent a good deal of the time not speaking to and refusing to be in the same room with one another over nothing, really. Their rift added a strain that otherwise wouldn’t have existed in my family, and when they finally made up six months ago, it was a relief.

Not even two full days after our mom passed, both of these women were suddenly blasting me via direct message, the family group chat and a long, haranguing voicemail accusing me of making all the decisions for her funeral by myself, berating me for meeting with the funeral director on my own and demanding a Zoom meeting so 'we can ALL be involved in the planning.'

I tried de-escalating by assuring them I’d conferred with my brothers, empathizing with them for feeling left out, and asking for their grace and understanding as we focus on burying my mom who’d just died, and they responded with things like, 'What do you mean YOUR mother?' and 'How can you ask for grace when all you have to do is move the funeral one day?' (to accommodate a trip to visit her relatives).

Well, I got tired of being spoken to like that, plus my mom had just died in my arms 36 hours before, so I told them I was blocking them until their husbands let me know everybody was ready to hug and apologize, said 'Love you! and peaced out. I also moved the funeral one day because why not.

Both women avoided me at the wake and funeral. Am I the jerk here? What should I do?"

— Family Drama

For Carolyn's response: https://wapo.st/4cSafQ3
Cartoon by Nick Galifianakis

22/07/2024

"Dear Carolyn: I’m a woman in my 40s and am in a mostly sexless marriage. The last six or seven years, it’s been once or twice a year. I have talked to my spouse about it, and he will blow it off with a joke or get annoyed I’m bringing it up again. I still enjoy his company in other ways, but I feel like we are more friends and co-parents than a married couple. Much of the time I think this is enough, but I also think I’m too young to be celibate the rest of my life.

I don’t really know where to go from here. How do you decide if this is enough or if you should start over?

By the way, I’m as sure as I can be he’s not cheating; he just has zero interest anymore and doesn’t seem to want to change that."

— Mostly Celibate

For Carolyn's response: https://wapo.st/4cO4GSH
Cartoon by Galifianakis

21/07/2024

"Dear Carolyn: My sister wants our 85-year-old mother to move closer to her. Our mother, who is in good health, still drives, is active in her church and has lots of friends, wants to remain in her home and not move 600 miles away.

I’m supportive of her staying home and have told her I will be available to help her as much as possible. I’m three hours away.

My sister is livid that our mother won’t move, is calling her selfish and says she will no longer be available to help her. I think our mom has a right to make her own decisions and don’t understand why my sister is so angry.

I really don’t want a family rift at this point in our lives. How can I help my sister understand our mom’s wishes?"

— Trying to Keep the Peace

Carolyn's response: https://wapo.st/4faoWje
Cartoon by Galifianakis

20/07/2024

"Dear Carolyn: I was sitting with my mild unhappiness and what I really wanted. It dawned on me I couldn’t even figure out what my ideal life looked like. I have some issues with my spouse (who doesn’t?) but ultimately know he’s the best partner for me, I’m meh on my job situation but make decent money and it’s fine, I love my kid and growing in being a mom but don’t wish for anything MORE from that. I have some new hobbies I’d like to try but no passions.

I just feel like I lost sight of what goals should be when life is 'good,' per se, and I have no complaints but still feel so blasé and untethered. Looking for some inspiration, maybe a good self-help book or podcast? Anything to help me reframe how to set goals when life has basically given me what I want and I do my best to share it well with others, but it feels … pointless? I don’t know. Is this depression?"

— I Don’t Know

For Carolyn's response: https://wapo.st/3xUCy1l
Cartoon by Galifianakis

19/07/2024

Carolyn Hax is live and taking your questions!

Advice columnist Carolyn Hax answers your questions about the strange train we call life.

19/07/2024

"Dear Carolyn: My wife and I have been together since 2012. Since then, we’ve both been diagnosed with ADHD, and this comes with a fun symptom called executive dysfunction. Executive dysfunction makes it very difficult to find the willpower and energy to do anything that doesn’t give you dopamine, meaning that for years, many chores around the house were left undone until it was absolutely necessary (e.g., no more clothes to wear so we have no choice but to do laundry).

Long story short, we both were prescribed Adderall, and while it has been an unmitigated success for me, my wife found the side effects intolerable, so she stopped taking it.

That’s fine with me, but I’m stuck doing all the chores while my wife is stuck in the executive dysfunction rut I used to be in. This isn’t a case of being married to a do-nothing lowlife — I absolutely empathize with her struggles to do basic tasks — but this also means I get no help around the house and any help I do get, I have to specifically ask her for.

I’ve tried getting her to do a chore regularly, but she only does it for a few days and it goes back to being my chore."

— B.

For Carolyn's response: https://wapo.st/3y37OLq
Cartoon by Galifianakis

18/07/2024

"Hey, Carolyn! I am so in love with my fiancé. He’s by far the best partner I have ever had, and I could never imagine my life without him.

However, his family is not nearly that great. They are French, and he’s the only one who has immigrated to the United States. I had already agreed to have our wedding in France, so his family would be able to come, but they won’t let him marry me until I speak fluent French. They say that I’m an American impostor and that I’m just with him for his money. We contribute equally to finances, and I do my part!

I would have started trying to learn French, but I don’t have the time. I’m in my medical residency — emergency medicine! — and pairing 72-hour shifts with Duolingo would risk both my sanity and my patients’ health.

I’ve talked to my fiancé about it, and he told me to just wait until they give up. I fear that may take years. Other than this, his family is fine, and I’d like to have contact with them in the future. He’s really close to them, but he’s still on my side, so I don’t want to lose him, either!

What do I do? Please help!"

— Effrayée (merci à Google Translate)

For Carolyn's response: https://wapo.st/4f4y0pN
Cartoon by Galifianakis

17/07/2024

From the archives. TEN (!) years ago today, this column was published.

Don’t let insecurity dictate how you interact with husband’s pushy relatives.

17/07/2024

"Dear Carolyn: My daughter’s second-grade teacher gave each kid a certificate at the end of the year. Many had 'Nice Friend' or 'Good Reader' on them, but a few stood out: 'Class Clown,' 'Miss Manners' and 'Social Butterfly' seemed most egregious to me. My daughter was 'Miss Manners,' and she is indeed polite.

The school principal thought the certificates and labels were 'heartfelt.' I’ve also contacted the district superintendent but haven’t received a reply.

Am I being too sensitive in thinking these are backhanded compliments, or just plain rude labels? I would’ve been even more upset had my child been labeled 'Class Clown.'

— K.

For Carolyn's response: https://wapo.st/4643et7
Cartoon by Nick Galifianakis

16/07/2024

"Dear Carolyn: What do you say (if anything) when your 20-year-old likes a certain rapper who advocates for the death and destruction of your/his race? Said 20-year-old does not agree with said rapper’s comments but still follows him on social media and still likes his music.

I know my son is no longer a child. I also know, 'The ultimate tragedy is not the oppression and cruelty by the bad people but the silence over that by the good people.' I’m trying to respect boundaries. I’m also extremely disheartened. Thank you."

— Do I Say Anything?

For Carolyn's response: https://wapo.st/4c07ZFv
Cartoon by Galifianakis

15/07/2024

"Dear Carolyn: When our oldest child was in preschool, I was the classroom parent and hated every second of it. I love my kid, but I do not enjoy the constant logistics and negotiations of figuring out who is bringing the milk on which day.

Our youngest is now at the same preschool, and we felt like (for fairness) one of us needed to be the classroom parent again. We decided that my husband would do it. It’s his turn!

He agreed to do it and then has completely dropped the ball on everything.
After the second week of school, I took over, to my great annoyance. Also, I work full time now; I’m not more available than he is to do this stuff anymore. But he’s just not good at it and doesn’t seem willing to put more effort into it than he had been.

So where do we go from here? It’s too late to get out of it. We shouldn’t have signed up in the first place, yes, but we somehow have to honor the commitment now."

— Dividing Responsibilities

For Carolyn's response: https://wapo.st/3LjFAiL
Cartoon by Nick Galifianakis

14/07/2024

"Dear Carolyn: My sister is in an abusive marriage and is not ready to leave her husband. I want to be supportive, but getting time with her away from her husband is extremely difficult.
My partner and I both have a hard time being around my sister and her husband together. He feels like a powder keg that is waiting to blow, and my sister is always completely checked out trying to manage his feelings.

My sister has expressed hurt feelings that my spouse never spends time with her anymore, and I find myself seeing her less and less as well. It also feels like we are missing being a part of my nephews’ lives.

How honest should I be with my sister about our feelings regarding her husband? It feels like emotional blackmail to tell her, 'I would love to spend more time with you if we could do things away from your husband.' But I also know that people in abusive relationships need breaks, and to know they have a support network when and if they are ever ready.

Will I be threatening one of my sister’s few family bonds outside of her husband if I’m truly honest with her? Or is that honesty more important in the long run?"

— Sad Sister in Dallas

For Carolyn's response: https://wapo.st/3WnrIKI

13/07/2024

"Hello, Carolyn: Any advice on how to be more present as a parent? I worry that I am distracted and sometimes distant with my toddler. I try not to be on my phone all the time but sometimes catch him trying to get my attention and feel awful. And I’m not great at playing with him in an active way. I don’t want him to grow up feeling like his mom is only half there. I am the lone caregiver — my partner works long hours — we have no family or friends around, and it’s a half-hour drive to activities like playgrounds or play groups, so it seems especially important that I be present for him, since I’m essentially all he’s got. How do I be WITH him and present and not somewhere else in my head?"

— Distracted

For Carolyn's response: https://wapo.st/3W4ws6i
Cartoon by Galifianakis

12/07/2024

Carolyn Hax is live and taking your questions 📩💻

Advice columnist Carolyn Hax answers your questions about the strange train we call life.

12/07/2024

"Dear Carolyn: My husband and I recently hosted the wedding of our daughter in the historical museum of our beautiful upscale California beach town. The reception was described as “cocktails, dinner and dancing,” and children were not included. Dress clearly was listed as “festive cocktail attire.” It was a fabulous event, with cuisine stations all our friends raved about, a 12-piece live band, colorful floral arrangements and lovely decor, and the warmth and affection of 170 of our wonderful family and friends. Everyone was dressed beautifully, with one weird exception: my husband’s older sister, who lives in an even more upscale nearby town, but who arrived at our event looking like she had just taken a walk on the beach, in white jeans, casual sandals and the sort of untucked shirt you might throw on to go grocery shopping. Meanwhile, her husband had followed our dress code, as did her daughter in a lace designer cocktail dress and stilettos.

This older sister was the topic of much speculation among our guests. Several of our daughters’ friends thought she worked at the wedding venue. One friend cheekily asked if she was living in a home for the aged and suggested perhaps they hadn’t dressed her properly.

I wonder if my sister-in-law did this on purpose out of jealousy, as her own daughter, a decade older than mine, appears content not to marry her longtime partner.
All the speculation has very much hurt my husband, who remembers what his sister did at our own wedding more than 35 years ago: I had met her only a couple of times but included her on a group trip to choose bridesmaid dresses. Afterward, she phoned my husband to demand that he pay for her dress.

I had put this incident completely out of my mind until she showed up at my daughter’s wedding dressed inappropriately. What do you think we should do or say, if anything, about her attire?"

— E.

Cartoon by Nick Galifianakis

Should this writer say something to the sister-in-law who seems to have underdressed for a “fabulous” wedding on purpose?

11/07/2024

"Dear Carolyn: I’ve written freelance articles for years, drawing mostly on my life experience. My usual tone is ironic/humorous, but with what I like to think is some real poignancy and insight.

My boyfriend of eight months has requested that I not write about him anymore. He was initially okay with it, but he has read the handful of things I’ve published since we started dating and has changed his mind. I never say anything that reflects poorly on him or that I think he would find embarrassing; usually, if anything, I am self-deprecating. Before this relationship, I dated someone else for more than five years and wrote about that relationship freely with his blessing. I actually think part of what my current boyfriend is uncomfortable about is the implied comparison between that relationship and this one.

My writing life will be quite a bit more difficult if I can’t write from life anymore. And he has already said no not just to articles that focus on our relationship, but also to ones that mention him in even a cursory way. It is an understandable request, but I can’t shake the feeling that it’s controlling and sabotaging, hopefully unintentionally.

How would you approach this? I really want to keep the boyfriend, but I also do not want to lose my creative outlet, which has been a real lifeline during the past couple of very weird years."

— Freelancer

A freelance writer who draws mostly from life worries about the creative impact of a boyfriend who has asked not to be written about.

10/07/2024

"Dear Carolyn: Ever since we started dating, our parents have been very opinionated about what the people my brother and I date should look like. They’ve completely alienated my brother and his wife because they were so vocal about her being all wrong for him. They wanted him to marry a petite woman because he is short and they insisted he didn’t “look right” with a tall woman. But my brother loves tall, curvy women, and he married one. They were distraught, like he married an ax murderer or something. She is an awesome person. They came around, but my sister-in-law never warmed to them.

They insist my boyfriends must be tall and blond with blue eyes because I am tall and blonde and that way we would look right together, and so would our children. They hate my not-tall, Greek-immigrant, current boyfriend. We are getting engaged soon, and I just know they will carry on like they did when my brother got engaged.
Other than this quirk, they’re not bad people. Any ideas how I can head them off?"

— Anonymous

For Carolyn's response: https://wapo.st/3XXGpW0
Cartoon by Nick Galifianakis

09/07/2024

"Dear Carolyn: My 52-year-old stepson is a he**in addict. I have been married to his father for almost 25 years. There are two other sons who are lovely, successful people. The addict stepson has been in trouble with the law since his teen years.

When his father and I married, I was the more financially stable by a wide degree, so I wanted to keep our finances as separate as law allowed. We decided easily who would pay for vacations, finance home repairs, buy cars, etc. Frankly, our marriage was astonishing in its ease. It felt like a fairy tale for the first 10 years.

Since then, my husband's financials changed dramatically for the better and his income is over twice mine. We easily rearranged what we pay for to reflect this.

When I first met the addict son, I was willing to help out. He was in his early 20s, back in town, looking for work, not an addict then. The “help” he gets is now our single biggest expense. It is almost always cash, straight to his pocket. At this point, he is barely making excuses, just a text saying, “I need $50 for gas.” And out the money goes. We gave him money to buy a car and he never bought it. He got a settlement from an accident and lied about where that money went. We have spent well into five figures for attorneys.

I attempted counseling, which my husband was a good sport about. We agreed not to give any more cash, but we never followed up. He lies to me about the money and doesn’t seem to realize I consider him untrustworthy. I worry he may be borrowing money.

The son says he’s in a methadone program, and he was, but I am doubting it now. The son lies and lies and lies, and my husband says he can’t not help his son, even when he catches him lying. I have tried to just accept this, but I haven’t managed it. I have tried to leave him, but I haven’t managed that, either. I want my fairy tale marriage back!"

— Anonymous

For Carolyn's response: https://wapo.st/3WdkfgR
Cartoon by Nick Galifianakis

08/07/2024

Hi, Carolyn: My mom tends to take every parenting decision I make as a critique of HER parenting, unless I do it exactly the same way she did it in the 1980s and ’90s. This is true even though I have repeatedly reminded her of all the ways in which my kids’ childhood differs from mine — different generation, different health concerns, different culture, different human beings. It results in her feelings being hurt constantly by things she should not be taking personally. Any suggestions?

— Parent

Read the column here: https://wapo.st/3W5lpv6
Cartoon by Nick Galifianakis

07/07/2024

Dear Carolyn: My husband has custody of his 8-year-old daughter every other weekend. In our five years together, I have been utterly respectful of his duties as a father and his kid’s well-being.

But I have been invited to do a seven-week fellowship and retreat in Italy, and I would love to bring my husband. We have NEVER taken a nice trip together. We didn’t even really do a honeymoon because of work and his kid.

He said no to Italy because it would mean missing three or four visits from his daughter. For the first time, I felt mad and deprived. The other participants will have their partners there, exploring the city while we work. I want us to do this one normal thing.

It is not possible to bring the kid with us. If my husband came with me for a little while, then he couldn’t stay for longer than about 10 days minus travel time, so that’s not worth it either.

Am I being totally selfish to want this? I feel that way, but I also feel entitled to want this normal thing. My one confidante about this, my mom, says it’s what I signed on for when I chose a man with a child.

— Selfish?

Read the column here: https://wapo.st/3xJo7gj
Cartoon by Nick Galifianakis

06/07/2024

Hi, Carolyn: Our elementary-school-age son is a bright, sweet kid who is very much a “follower,” socially speaking. Each year since he started school, he’s had one or two friends he revolves around and who guide most of his decision-making. If Buddy wants to play with trucks, he wants to play with trucks. If Buddy feels like doing the class assignment, he’ll do the class assignment, too.

We have always liked his friends, and of course I realize the world needs all sorts of people in it. His dad and I are more self-directed and so have some concerns about what this will mean for him down the road. Should we be encouraging him to be more of a leader even if it goes against his nature? Is there any way to harness his awesome supportive talents and make them work well for him?

— Parent

Read the column here: https://wapo.st/3VQ1I9d
Cartoon by Nick Galifianakis

05/07/2024

Reminder, no live chat today. We will be asleep on our toys instead.

05/07/2024

Dear Carolyn: My best friend has for a variety of reasons become attached to her cellphone. It has gotten so bad that I don’t like dining out with her. Her phone dings with messages and calls constantly. She feels compelled to respond to each ping. Calls are generally from telemarketers, but she will answer “because it might be important.”

I have suggested she refrain from responding during our meal, but it doesn’t seem to get through to her. My husband and I took her to a lovely, upscale restaurant on her birthday. She was still scrolling, her meal half-eaten, after we finished and we were patiently waiting for her to finish.

Consequently, I have shied away from accepting invitations because I have visions of grabbing her phone and flinging it across the room.

Can you suggest how to request that she turn the blasted phone off during our meal, without insulting her? I really miss our conversations, but I don’t want to lose her friendship over the issue.

— On Hold

Read the column here: https://wapo.st/45NOOgs
Cartoon by Nick Galifianakis