Carolyn Hax, Advice Columnist

15/09/2025

"Dear Carolyn: My husband and I have been married almost 20 years and have two teens. I have been helping our younger teen (“Izzy,” 16) get diagnosed for ADHD. Last fall, just after we got a prescription for ADHD medication, my husband told Izzy that I drank alcohol during pregnancy and that they might want to consider fetal alcohol spectrum disorder as a cause of the ADHD. I did not find out about this conversation until about 10 days later, when they both confronted me. Izzy looked up FAS/FASD and was convinced they had it.

I did drink very lightly during both pregnancies. I waited until the halfway point and would drink about a half a glass of wine over a 24-hour period — occasionally a beer. FAS is associated with heavy and/or binge drinking, which has never been an issue for me. I explained this to Izzy — doing my best to find balance between validating their feelings and suggesting that correlation is not causation. I also apologized. I wrote all of this to Izzy’s doctor, and she responded, “Well, regardless of the cause, we treat ADHD the same.”

Izzy and I have done okay rebuilding our relationship, but my husband won’t let it go. This week, he said that what is missing is my “atonement.” We are not fundamentalists!

Other issues before this include his not being accepting that Izzy is nonbinary, although, to his credit, he was loving and supportive in getting them counseling. In my view, he is judgmental, nothing is ever good enough, and he has no chill. It seems he is trying to vilify me and keep me in a corner. I am fairly sure I need to end the marriage. What do you think?"

— Blamed

Carolyn's advice: https://wapo.st/4nm8uzE
Cartoon by Nick Galifianakis

14/09/2025

"Hi, Carolyn: I’m a husband who is acutely aware that my wife is shouldering far more of the mental load than either of us wants to be the case. Our challenge is, often, if things aren’t done her way, then they’re “wrong,” which I find demotivating. And I’m not talking the weaponized incompetence of putting delicates on high in the dryer; I’m talking about how groceries are put away in the fridge, etc.

We’re working on it through direct communication, but any advice on how to push past my “I can’t do anything right” and her “I’m doing too much” dynamic?"

— Mental-Loaded

For Carolyn's advice: https://wapo.st/3JWcHeU
Cartoon by Nick Galifianakis

13/09/2025

"Dear Carolyn: My dear friend has two elementary-aged children. My problem is that she treats them differently. The younger is quite indulged and coddled, while she (the mom) is very short with and quick to criticize the older child. I know the older, a really wonderful child, feels the difference.

I know it’s not my place to say anything, but I think my friend truly prefers the younger child over the older one, but I’m not sure what, if anything, I should do about it. I worry about the older child.

My friend went through a nasty divorce several years ago, and I’ve really admired her strength throughout the whole process. I’m sure parenting has been very difficult for her."

— Worried

For Carolyn's response: https://wapo.st/3VfjnHp
Cartoon by Nick Galifianakis

12/09/2025

Carolyn is live and taking your questions. Join her weekly chat here!

Advice columnist Carolyn Hax answers your questions about the strange train we call life.

12/09/2025

"Dear Carolyn: My husband and I are considering buying a home soon. He came from a poor background and built a successful career and life by himself. He did not accept — and, frankly, was not offered — help from anyone along the way. He is very strong-willed and hardworking, and I find his story and these traits extremely admirable.

Because of this background, he has a hard time accepting help from others. He feels he needs to accomplish everything by himself and has told me he feels shame whenever he accepts help or gifts.

My parents have offered to give us some money to help with our down payment. I would like to accept this gift, but my husband does not want us to.

I feel accepting the money is the smartest financial decision. We would still be contributing the majority of the down payment ourselves, but their contribution would help us get our mortgage rate down and be more competitive buyers. He feels that accepting my parents’ money for a down payment will hurt his pride, and he will never feel that the house is “ours.”

We are in a stalemate here, and I would be really interested to hear your take on this."

— Stuck

Carolyn's advice: https://wapo.st/3JYVlOu
Cartoon by Nick Galifianakis

11/09/2025

"Dear Carolyn: An in-law visited us and snooped through personal financial data. How do I know? He went running, came back covered in sweat, then stood in front of files while an accumulation of his sweat formed a puddle on my floor.

I shared this with my spouse, who had no response. But I no longer trust the relative nor want him to stay in our house.

Should I bring the issue up with the relative?"

— Anonymous

Carolyn's advice: https://wapo.st/4nrY0yS
Cartoon by Nick Galifianakis

10/09/2025

"Dear Carolyn: I’ve been married for 29 years, and we have two adult children, a daughter, 27, and a son, 23. Both are college graduates.

My daughter has a bachelor’s in dance and biochemistry, and my husband’s hope since she was very young is that she become a physician. He has always pushed and encouraged her to do so.

When she was 23, she decided she wanted to pursue dance more and moved to New York City to do some service work and projects for her dance career. She has now lived there four years.

Over this time, my husband has been very difficult about this situation, to the point of going through periods of not really interacting or speaking with her. He refuses to visit her with me and did not come to some of her performances in the city, so I ended up going with other family.

She is now in a relationship with a young man, and it has thrown my husband over the edge. I imagine he feels this may keep her there for good, and maybe now his hopes of her going to medical school are at zero. It’s like he’s throwing a temper tantrum, thinking he can manipulate her the worse he behaves.

I’m to the point where I feel I need to leave him because it’s become difficult even to live together. He won’t let me mention her activities in conversation.

Am I unreasonable for expecting some coming together on this? I understand that he can lovingly disagree with her, but he can still be her father. He’s acting like a child."

— Dancing Alone

For Carolyn's advice: https://wapo.st/4n3rseM
Cartoon by Nick Galifianakis

09/09/2025

"Dear Carolyn: I am not sure what to do about a potentially abused kid.
Last night, my 9-year-old son told me about a girl in his class who told him about how her mother treats her. He described verbal abuse, spanking for minor offenses and at least one incident of getting hit in the face with a brush.

In the moment, I talked about how that was awful for his friend and that it’s not okay for grown-ups to treat kids that way.

I’m not sure what to do with this information. My inclination is to tell a teacher or school counselor at school dismissal today. Do mandatory reporters have to act on second- or thirdhand information? Are they the proper people to handle it? Is contacting child services too big a first step?

I know it seems that as a society, we chalk up verbal abuse and spanking to “parenting styles,” and that sometimes kids make up or embellish stuff for a variety of reasons, but I feel awful thinking about that girl."

— Concerned

For Carolyn's advice: https://wapo.st/461Ggmw
Cartoon by Nick Galifianakis

08/09/2025

Two columns today because we accidentally posted one from last year this morning. Happy reading!

"Dear Carolyn: My mother is a raging alcoholic, as in been-hospitalized-multiple-times alcoholic. Three months ago, after alcohol-induced pancreatitis where she couldn’t keep anything down, including vodka, she was hospitalized for two weeks to detox. It was ugly. She looked my sister in the eye and said, 'You’re going to die.' She screamed at the nurses and had to be strapped down.

She is now acting like nothing happened. We went out to dinner, and she tried to order a martini. I told her she almost died from alcohol and I wasn’t going to be present if she was drinking. She didn’t order the drink but took an Uber home.
Now we are discussing her coming to visit us — me, my husband and toddler daughter, my sister, and my grandparents — for Thanksgiving. She lives in a different state. Do I stick to my guns if she starts drinking on Thanksgiving and leave? Do I pretend not to see?"

— Setting Boundaries

Head to the link in bio for Carolyn's response.
Cartoon by Nick Galifianakis

08/09/2025

"Dear Carolyn: I got my dream job last year and moved to New York City. I found a decent place to live with three compatible roommates and I’m figuring things out and loving life.

My parents, on the other hand, are miserable. They live only a few hours away in a small town and think I am going to get killed or robbed living where I do. They can’t accept that I can take care of myself.

They call me every day. I answer when I can, but it’s not always convenient. Sometimes I’m asleep, sometimes it’s too early, and sometimes I’m just busy and don’t want to talk to them or anyone else for that matter.

When I don’t answer, they immediately call my roommates, one after another. Then my roommates end up waking me or texting me to call my parents so they stop freaking out.

I understand my parents’ being nervous, but it’s been nine months now and they’re always calling about something unimportant that can wait. It’s so embarrassing to explain to my roommates why my parents are calling them about me when I’m almost 25. I’ve asked my parents to stop but they say they can’t, so I told my roommates to block my parents’ numbers.

Yesterday when I called my mom back, she was sobbing, saying my dad almost had a heart attack when they couldn’t get a hold of any of us. He wanted to call the police. I tried to talk to him, but he was too mad at me to take my call.

I don’t know what to do. I want to live my life, but I hate upsetting them this way."

— Check-in Trap

Carolyn's response: https://wapo.st/4notlCl
Cartoon by Nick Galifianakis

07/09/2025

"Dear Carolyn: I had not seen a friend for a few months over political issues. But I still considered her a friend. Out of the blue, her husband emailed me and said “Sandy” was “no longer in his life.” I was shocked and responded as a sister would, urging him to try to reach out and reconcile. He didn’t contact me again.

Now, a few months later, Sandy and I are back in contact. Her husband is definitely still with her and has not been out of her life.

Part of me wonders if she should not know what a creep she’s married to. She still wants to bring him along when we get together, and I find this awkward. Do I tell a friend her husband hit on me?"

— Do I Tell?

Carolyn's response: https://wapo.st/41BzFxU
Cartoon by Nick Galifianakis

06/09/2025

"Dear Carolyn: My dad has been married and divorced three times. For each marriage that fell apart, he has a whole litany of reasons it was the wife’s fault and happened in spite of his own efforts to make things work. Fine. I’m the child of the third marriage, and I wouldn’t exist if he hadn’t gotten married a third time. I don’t judge!

But HE does. I am separating from my husband of a little less than three years, and my dad’s judgment has been scathing. He does not think I have tried hard enough to salvage the marriage. His angle seems to be that he wants me to have a child before it’s too late and is afraid I will jeopardize my chances of doing so if I leave my husband.

Did I mention this is my first and only marriage?

I am constantly having to bite my tongue to avoid pointing out that I would still have to get married (and divorced) two more times before I caught up to him. Or is that exactly the right thing to say to get him off my back?"

— That’s Rich

Carolyn's response: https://wapo.st/465Jaa9
Cartoon by Nick Galifianakis