Carolyn Hax, Advice Columnist

12/04/2025

"Dear Carolyn: I have a young child and am pregnant. We excitedly told a family member recently, who said, “Um, I guess you know how babies are made?? RIGHT?!”

What this relative doesn’t know is that we struggled for years to conceive, and after many (many, many) rounds of IVF, we finally had our child. We got pregnant again so soon after because we are facing an insurance change and we had to do this for financial reasons. These babies are so wanted and loved.

We are facing an upcoming family wedding, and I know more relatives will have similar reactions. What’s the best way to reply to the snark other than my face literally being this: >: 0?"

— >: 0

For Carolyn's response: https://wapo.st/4ie8G0T
Cartoon by Galifianakis

11/04/2025

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Advice columnist Carolyn Hax answers your questions about the strange train we call life.

11/04/2025

"Dear Carolyn: My husband and his sister have never been close. In fact, she is openly hostile to him. What can I say to her when she insults him in my presence?"

— C.

Husband’s sister is “openly hostile” to him, and the letter writer doesn’t know how to respond.

10/04/2025

"Dear Carolyn: Over a decade ago, I met my ex through our field of work. We were supposed to get married, but he called the wedding off with no warning, claiming, “I just can’t do this.” We haven’t spoken since, and I’m not changing that. I’m not interested in being friends or friendly.

These days, I run into him a few times a year, and I act like I don’t know him. Technically, I don’t. I allow myself to be introduced to him, or I act like we’re strangers, because we are. No one else is the wiser, especially since colleagues know I’m married with kids.

Last week, the ex emailed me to tell me how hurt HE is and that he wants to talk. There have been no problems with how I treat him, and I don’t see any now. I want to tell him I’m not responsible for his feelings over what he did. Or is it pointless to respond? So much for the high road, I guess."

— Somebody That I Used to Know

He broke their engagement, so the letter writer pretends they’re strangers when they cross paths — but he’s not okay with this.

09/04/2025

"Dear Carolyn: How do you say no when someone asks you out — say, for lunch — even if they’re not asking you on a date but literally just want to get lunch?

I am a 61-year-old widow who has no interest in dating, or making new friends, especially of the opposite gender. My husband and I were together four decades; I still feel married; and I have plenty of friends, family and my dog to keep me company. I’m happy, other than the obvious.

I know how to say no to a date: 'No, thank you. I’m not interested in dating.'

But how do I say no when I don’t know if that’s what the asker wants? I can’t say, 'No, thank you. I’m not interested in sharing a meal with you,' or, 'No, thank you. I’m not looking for any more friends.' I mean, I can say those, but ouch. I also don’t want to use an excuse that can be countered, like, 'I’m not free that day.'"

— No, Thank You

A widow feels comfortable saying no to a date but feels rude declining invitations to be friends.

08/04/2025

"Hello, Carolyn! I am wondering about keeping a partnership alive as a spouse ages. My husband is 16 years older than I am, and the time has come that with health and cognitive declines, I feel I am parenting him more than being his partner. There’s a lot of grief for each of us in this, while accepting that it’s the way of life. Do you have any suggestions about how to keep the mutuality alive? And also how to get some alone time for me? I probably have some sense of what I should be doing, but it’s hard to start — and we are moving, which I always call the seventh circle of hell."

— Younger

Despite becoming caregiver now to a husband who is 16 years older, this letter writer hopes to preserve their “mutuality.”

07/04/2025

"Dear Carolyn: My wife has always felt like the black sheep of her family. They’re not abusive or neglectful; it’s just that her siblings and parents share similar personalities, political beliefs and interests, and she seems to have been born the opposite. She believes her parents favored her siblings because they saw more of themselves in them.

We are expecting our first child, and my wife feels like she’s once again getting the short end of the stick. For example, my mother-in-law is hosting a shower, but at her house instead of a lavish restaurant like she did for my wife’s older sister.

My wife is now seriously thinking of limiting their interactions with our child because she believes the child will be similarly unfavored and it will be damaging to them. She’s already fantasizing about skipping the next big holiday season — which would be our child’s first Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc.

I understand she’s emotional, and I try to be sympathetic and supportive, but I come from a small family. I have always relished the idea of our child being close to extended family.

The way I see it, my wife’s not even willing to give that a chance. When I’ve tried to talk about it, she’s snapped at me and accused me of downplaying her emotional needs. How can I navigate this? Do I get a say in my wife cutting off her family?"

— Spouse

“Black sheep” wife wants protective distance from relatives, but her spouse wants an extended family for their child’s benefit.

06/04/2025

"Dear Carolyn: I’m a 15-year-old from a relatively well-off middle-class family — so these might be first-world problems, but oh, well. I’ve set my sights on a prestigious vet school in London, and my parents have kind of taken it too far. They’re always pushing me about homework — even though I’ve had straight A’s since kindergarten — and recently told me my 33 (out of 36) on the ACT was below average for where I should be.

In addition, I ride horses competitively (think AAA hockey-level commitment), but they treat it like a basic hobby, to the point that I have to fight them to go ride, and they have canceled for me several times so that I can finish my homework — which I would have easily been able to finish without skipping.

They also went behind my back to try to change my school schedule, despite my having had it laid out for two years and after repeated meetings with my school counselor and college counselor.

They are way too emotionally involved in my life and seem to have no trust in me, despite my having never done anything wrong. This isn’t an exaggeration; they and others have told me I’m the best kid they could hope for.

Any advice on how to get them to back off and let me enjoy the rest of high school?"

— High-schooler

For Carolyn's response: https://wapo.st/42w37pR
Cartoon by Galifianakis

05/04/2025

"Dear Carolyn: My parents always favored my older brother. They have a family business that did very well for many years. Although my brother and I (a woman) have business experience, I have more and a better grasp of the regulations and local connections that can help.

Despite my abilities, my parents made it clear Brother was the only one who knew what he was doing. Around 2012, the business wasn’t doing so great. I reminded them of “adapt or go under,” and explained developments that would render the business irrelevant in a few years. I provided proof as well as alternatives to boost the chances that the operation stayed profitable, albeit a lot less so than they wanted.

Dad and Brother adamantly disagreed and insisted I had no business expertise. Fine.

Today, various developments have gutted the business, and now it’s gutting the family finances. Dad is begging me for help; Brother told me I’m not needed. There’s not much that can be done to save anything. Incorporating my ideas from 10 years ago isn’t enough, and Dad and Brother still oppose them.

I’m reluctant to help people who initially said I was clueless. But I also feel like I should make some attempt to save our inheritance because that’s why my parents started the business. The best way for me to help is to take over everything and try to fix what I can, which won’t happen because my dad and brother won’t give up control and my mom gets upset when I get involved in business matters. What do I do?"

— Reluctant

Carolyn's response: https://wapo.st/4liYsPy
Cartoon by Galifianakis

04/04/2025

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04/04/2025

"Dear Carolyn: I was a hippie in the ’70s. I was married in my parents’ backyard and asked that it be a potluck. I sewed my own wedding dress. I didn’t expect any presents or special attire.

My husband’s niece, whose son is getting married in Texas, sent us an invitation. We live in Oregon. I admit I haven’t been to many weddings in my life. I was a bridesmaid for my best friend when I was 50. So when I read the invitation and saw that it was a black-tie affair, I was not sure what that meant.

A second part to the invitation came in the mail that clarified our attire had to be a lot fancier than I happen to have in my closet. Plus, we were instructed that if we wanted to venture away from the bride and groom’s registry, it had to be approved by the bride and groom. There were also pages of strapless dresses to be used as a guide for what to wear.

I am not feeling gracious. I do not want to go. I am sure I could wear my best outfit and give cash as a gift and no one would complain to my face.

My husband is mortified that I am insulted by the conditions laid out in order to be a part of this wedding.

What I would love to do is to tell the wedding planners to get over themselves. I won’t, but how do I get the scowl off my face when I go to a wedding that I believe is a Cinderella [shirt] show?"

— Never Been a Cinderella

A Pacific Northwest aunt who had a backyard potluck wedding in the 1970s chafes at her niece’s Texas black-tie demands.

03/04/2025

"Dear Carolyn: I got pregnant at 16. I wanted so badly to keep and raise my baby, but I knew she deserved better than I could give her. My parents weren’t willing to let my daughter and me live at home with them unless they adopted the baby and she never knew I was her mom. I couldn’t stand the thought of not knowing her at all, so I agreed.

Afterward, I was able to graduate from high school and college and make a good life for myself. I now live two hours away from my parents, but I visit most weekends and all holidays because I want to see my daughter. She’s 13 now and a great kid.

Last weekend, she texted me that she heard from an old boyfriend of mine. My heart almost stopped when I realized her bio dad had resurfaced and contacted our daughter. He was 18 when I got pregnant and disappeared without a trace after I told him about the baby.

And, yes, he told her who he was and who I was. She asked me if I was really her mom, and I just couldn’t lie to her. Now she’s mad at me, my parents are mad at me, and I’m worried what the heck her bio dad is up to. Where do we go from here?"

— Bio Mom

Her daughter from a teen pregnancy was secretly raised as her sister. Her biological father just told her the truth.

02/04/2025

"Dear Carolyn: My partner/husband of 25 years asked for a divorce five years ago. We were having problems and had tried couples counseling, etc. But the conversation left me speechless and unable to respond. In the moment, I decided to shut down and announced that I would move out by the end of the month, which I did.

It’s now five years later, and I’ve had time and therapy to consider everything that happened. I’ve come to realize that I’m still incredibly angry, mostly at myself, for not standing up for myself or for the relationship. I fantasize about reaching out to him and telling him exactly how much he hurt me, emotionally and financially.

I told him to never contact me again, and he has abided by that request. And I realize my anger is mine to own and deal with. But is there a way to have my say and then close the door on this part of my life?

I am with a new partner, who is wonderful, and I am fortunate this worked out for the best for me. But I want to get rid of this anger."

— Angry

When husband asked for divorce, this letter writer shut down and agreed. Is five years later too late to speak up?

01/04/2025

"Dear Carolyn: I’m a compulsive liar. Always have been. As a kid, I used to make up elaborate stories about my family to make me seem interesting. In high school, my lies started catching up with me, but I couldn’t stop, not even after my parents figured it out and stopped believing anything I said (which, okay, I get).

I hurt a lot of people with my lies, but I never meant to. One of my friends tried to keep in contact with me after high school when no one else wanted to, but he got sick of the lies, too, and dumped me. In college, I have no IRL friends except for a few co-workers. Most of the people I’m “friends” with are on the internet because it’s easy to be anyone you want online. People have tried to get close to me, but I sabotage every relationship I am in because I just cannot stop lying.

I have tried to stop before, but even if I am not creating new lies, I still need to keep up with the hundreds I have told to any person in my life. It’s exhausting. It isn’t even conscious anymore; I automatically lie about things that don’t even benefit me or give the attention I crave. Is there hope for someone like me?"

— Ruining My Life

A compulsive liar is tired of sabotaging every relationship but doesn’t know how to stop.

31/03/2025

"Dear Carolyn: A technician who has serviced our HVAC system for 15 years came today. He was wearing hoop earrings, mascara, eyeliner, eye shadow and lipstick. My first thought was, “That’s a little dramatic for daytime wear.” I know he is married and has adult children. I didn’t comment on his transformation. He’ll be back in six months. Should I say something then?"

— Client

Their longtime HVAC tech has a new look, and a client wonders whether it’s okay to “comment on his transformation.”

30/03/2025

"Dear Carolyn: My elderly mother-in-law has always favored her daughter, granddaughter and great-grandkids. She mostly ignored my daughter from a previous marriage and even our son — her only son’s son. It has been very depressing to listen to her go on and on about her sister’s grandkids, on the phone or when we used to visit, usually never asking about our kids or grandkids.
We haven’t visited her often during the past years, and now she has quit calling my husband and he has quit calling her — nothing planned, just happened.

I called my husband’s sister a few months ago to tell her that her brother, my husband, was in intensive care; for seven weeks, he was either in the hospital or in rehab. She was going to tell her mother. Neither ever called to check on him.
Should we just consider her out of our lives forever, or try to make amends and suffer from her favoritism?

By the way, one of her sisters told me my mother-in-law is the most hateful person she has ever known. It has been painful for me to watch my husband suffer from his mother’s indifference to him and our family."

— S.

For Carolyn's response: https://wapo.st/4l8GTBs
Cartoon by Galifianakis

29/03/2025

"Dear Carolyn: I’m one of those people who is responsible for maintaining contact with my friends. If I don’t reach out, it is rare for any of them to. In reference to the March 17 column, where one friend changed the rules of engagement to see who would step up — then rejected those who didn’t — do you have any suggestions on how to roll out such a change? I’ve just gotten through a divorce and rehab in the past year, and I am actively looking to recalibrate my life.

Do I owe it to everyone to announce I’m changing my (codependent) habits of initiating communication, and they should accept some responsibility to balance our friendship?

I am doing a lot of work on myself — therapy, meditation, exercise, sobriety — and I’ve realized that perhaps some of my friendships were crutches to get me through bad times but the friendships were not strong. While many friends gave me good advice, or answered the phone on a particularly bad day, I am also fairly certain months could pass without a word from them.

I’ve grown through hard work. It is both a huge time commitment and, I hope, a significant change in my life.

Is it now up to me to, one by one, to connect all the dots with my friends to announce “I’m working hard at healthy habits” and then have to explain this might require a little work from them to actually ask how I’m doing?"

— Recalibrating

For Carolyn's response: https://wapo.st/42kuEKJ
Cartoon by Galifianakis

28/03/2025

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Advice columnist Carolyn Hax answers your questions about the strange train we call life.