Carolyn Hax, Advice Columnist

25/11/2025

"Dear Carolyn: I’m still reeling from a recent breakup but not getting much sympathy or understanding from friends and family.

My girlfriend, “Lisa,” and I were supposed to get married Labor Day weekend, but a few weeks before the wedding, I started to worry that we hadn’t known each other long enough and hadn’t lived together. I’d read that two years is the minimum you should date before getting married. We knew each other just nine months before we got engaged in July and were planning to move in together only after the wedding. Lisa’s parents are really old-fashioned that way.

I did not want to break up at all and thought we should put the wedding on hold, move in together and get married that same time next year. We were just going to the courthouse, so it’s not like this postponement was a big deal. And we’re both 29, so a year would not be a problem for having the kids we both want.

Lisa didn’t see it that way. She gave back the engagement ring and broke things off completely, saying if I wasn’t ready after a year, then I was never going to be ready.
Now, when I tell my friends how hurt I am, they say, “Dude, you canceled the wedding, what did you expect?” I did not cancel, I postponed, so that is not helpful in any way.

What kills me is Lisa is the one who walked away, but she’s getting tons of sympathy and support. I’m just expected to man up or something. Why are people this way?"

— Hurt

Carolyn's advice: https://wapo.st/4r8AV6M
Cartoon by Nick Galifianakis

24/11/2025

"Dear Carolyn: I have been married for about 28 years. My husband was always a little controlling and insecure. Over the years, as he has matured, he has gotten better in those areas.

I realized a few months after our second child was born that he was having an affair. As you can imagine, this was a very hard time. I was really surprised because, as far as I knew, he was not a cheater. However, a few years after that, he cheated again. This time, the woman was from out of town (she was a colleague), and he invited her to stay in our house, saying she was just a friend.

The kids were still little, and to be honest, I did not want this woman raising my kids, which is what would almost certainly have happened if we had divorced then.
Recently, I noticed he was still in contact with the second one through social media. He acted like he wasn’t aware and said he stopped contact.

At this point, I really cannot imagine how to improve this relationship. We are in counseling. He says he wants to stay together. I kind of feel numb toward him, and I really feel like I can’t trust him.

Is this relationship savable? If so, how? Also, how badly would a divorce impact older kids? A while back, a person wrote in about leaving his wife, and you seemed to indicate it was even worse for older kids than for younger, and I do not want to hurt my kids any more than we already have."

— Can This Relationship Be Saved?

Carolyn's advice: https://wapo.st/4oVWqGx
Cartoon by Nick Galifianakis

23/11/2025

"Dear Carolyn: We are a very small family — just me, my older sister and my parents. Five years ago, my sister married into a very large family, and her in-laws host all the holidays. We’re always invited, but it’s never any fun for us. There are 20 of them together, talking and laughing, and me and my parents in the corner by ourselves.

I’ve honestly tried to join in, but they’re always talking among themselves about people I don’t know. I ask them about their lives, and they go on and on, but when it’s time for me to talk, I get either cut off or ignored. They try to be nice, but after the third or fourth attempt to answer a question, you can tell they don’t care about the answer.

So I’ve decided I’m not going for Thanksgiving or Christmas this year. On Thanksgiving, some of my friends are meeting up for a hike in the morning, and then there’s a pub crawl later in the evening, and that’s enough holiday for me. I can order a pizza for dinner. For Christmas, I plan to have breakfast with my parents, open gifts and then kick back for the rest of the day while they go off to my sister’s in-laws’ house.

Even though my parents agree about the in-laws, they are telling me to suck it up and go for their sake. They and my sister are really upset with me, saying I’m going to ruin their holidays, hurt my brother-in-law’s feelings and not see my niece. I say there will be so many people around that my brother-in-law and niece won’t miss me, and I’ll see them both on Black Friday and then again on Christmas Eve, so it’s not like I’m missing out entirely.

Am I being selfish like they say? Don’t I have a right to enjoy my holidays, or do I have to suffer in silence?"

— Anonymous

Carolyn's response: https://wapo.st/4iefY6z
Cartoon by Nick Galifianakis

22/11/2025

"Dear Carolyn: My boyfriend is still in regular contact with his ex-girlfriend. He is her confidant, and she admits she still loves him. He keeps her posted on our relationship, which is rocky because I am jealous of their relationship. I am not allowed to set any boundaries about this.

I want to ask him to stop being her confidant and to stop telling her about our relationship. They can remain friends, just not with such intimate conversations. He absolutely refuses any boundaries because “I am not going to let you pick my friends.”

Should I just exit this situation? For context, he and I are on and off because of this, and he usually dates her again when we are off."

— Jealous

Carolyn's advice: https://wapo.st/43CL6GN
Cartoon by Nick Galifianakis

21/11/2025

Carolyn is chatting live today in 1 hour! If you have any questions about getting through a Thanksgiving dinner with your in-laws, this is the time to ask 👀

Advice columnist Carolyn Hax answers your questions about the strange train we call life.

21/11/2025

From the archives, exactly one year ago.

Boyfriend chooses gifts centered on his own hobbies, and the letter writer wants to know whether to question him on this.

20/11/2025

"Dear Carolyn: My boyfriend of four months just found out he’s the father of a 9-month-old baby. When we met, he told me his ex had a baby with the guy she was cheating on him with. She had told my boyfriend he wasn’t the father.

That guy broke up with her last month and demanded a paternity test. It turned out he wasn’t the father. She came after my boyfriend for child support, and a paternity test established him as the dad. She is not a good or easy person to deal with, and now our lives will be wrapped up with hers for the next 18 years or longer.
My boyfriend is deciding how involved a father he wants to be and asking me to stay with him. Either way, it’s not great news for me. If he decides just to pay and not be in the kid’s life, that is wrong, but if he decides to step up and share custody, that is way more than I bargained for in this relationship.

He seems like a good guy, and I was very interested in him, but I’m only 23 and never envisioned dating a guy my age who has a kid. Should I wait to make a decision until after my emotions settle or follow my gut instinct and break up now?"

— Not on Board

Carolyn's advice: https://wapo.st/3X02tgX
Cartoon by Nick Galifianakis

19/11/2025

On this day last year...

Their son is cooking Thanksgiving this year. Is that because, when his wife made a gourmet version, they mocked it as “weird”?

18/11/2025

"Dear Carolyn: I am recently divorced, with two adult sons, 19 and 23. One son is autistic and nonverbal. I have one local brother and sister. Both are single. My brother’s home is a mess, and my sister is not far behind, plus she doesn’t cook. Neither has enough seating or dishes. I now live in a small apartment, but I can make it work.

I have always hosted holidays and special occasions. I enjoy the prep. But I get very little help. My brother sits in the recliner and reads the newspaper. My sister chats with one son and watches football. I clean up, make “to go” bags and keep an eye on the son with autism. He needs supervision. His brother will occasionally jump in and help him.

Last year, I had a knee replacement, so my sister and I agreed to go to a restaurant for Thanksgiving. Well, it was loud, my son wandered off to find a quiet place, and the service was not ideal. I ended up paying for the whole meal because we had not decided ahead of time how to split the bill.

I have asked my sister for help several times, but she seems to forget from occasion to occasion. Or she asks a million questions about what needs to be done. Even just pizza and cupcakes is complicated with her. Where are the utensils, matches, napkins, toothpicks — yes, toothpicks for the cupcakes. Or give me a sec, I’ll help at halftime. I’ve even organized my own birthday dinner.

Family is very important to me. My mom and aunt had special holiday traditions. How can I lower my expectations? Do I stop hosting and sit home alone?"

— Hostess

Carolyn's advice: https://wapo.st/4i1wypW
Cartoon by Nick Galifianakis

17/11/2025

"Dear Carolyn: My stepdad died suddenly of a heart attack two years ago, and my mom let me move in with her. Her place is huge, so she doesn’t want to live there alone. She can’t sell the house because she didn’t really inherit it; she can live there until she dies, then it goes to my stepbrother. My mom doesn’t charge me rent; she said I should save and invest the money instead, so it’ll be there when I do get a place. She doesn’t try to run my life, and I have plenty of room, plus there’s a pool, sauna, tennis court, etc., so it’s a great deal and we both benefit.

This arrangement makes my dad and stepmom crazy. They keep telling me it’s hurting me since I’m not living in the “real world.” And they complain that they can’t visit me at my home. My parents are okay with each other but haven’t been in the same room since my college graduation six years ago. My mom and stepmom don’t get along. But I go over to their house all the time, so it’s not interfering with our relationship.

My dad and stepmom even made my little sister ask why I’m living still with my mom — because no way a 15-year-old is asking that on her own.

I am banking money, I cook for myself a lot of the time and do my own laundry. With work, dating, getting enough exercise and sleep, life is hard enough. Why should I deliberately make it harder on myself just to prove a point? How do I shut them down while staying on good terms?"

— Living With Mom

Letter writer’s advantageous living arrangement with widowed mom now resides rent-free in dad’s and stepmom’s heads.

16/11/2025

"Dear Carolyn: My boyfriend and I come from fairly different backgrounds. His family is well-off and very liberal (they’ve even joined some of the recent protests) and all have advanced degrees. My family is poorer and more conservative, and my bachelor’s degree is the most advanced degree anyone in my family has ever attained. My family isn’t racist or prejudiced at heart, but they can be low-information on news topics, and a lot of the information they do have comes from dubious sources like Facebook, so sometimes they aren’t well-informed — and their opinions reflect that.

When I go to visit my family, my boyfriend often finds excuses not to come along, but I always go with him to visit his. I’m planning a visit next month, and he is once again “too busy” to go, though I’ll be going to spend four days with his parents for Thanksgiving. When I told my mom he wasn’t coming, she asked me if he doesn’t like them. They always roll out the red carpet for him when he visits, cooking special food, etc. They definitely try, whereas he doesn’t.

I asked him if there’s a problem with my family, and he said he’s not as comfortable with my family as I am with his, and he doesn’t feel like that’s ever going to change. He does avoid contradicting or arguing with them when they say stuff that bothers him, but I think it would help him see the other side of them if he’d get to know them better.

Can we go the distance with him feeling this way?"

— Two Families

Carolyn's advice: https://wapo.st/49gEQbi
Cartoon by Nick Galifianakis

15/11/2025

"Dear Carolyn: My otherwise lovely and companionable hubby has serious issues concerning vacations. We make a comfortable income and are not in debt beyond our mortgage or car payment.

Every year, he goes on several personal weekends away but says these aren’t vacations because they’re part of his hobby.

Last year, after I begged to go to the beach, he ruined the trip for me in multiple ways. The guilt I felt for our even going at all, knowing he didn’t want to, added to the sourness.

We just had another major fight about vacations. We’ve been married 15 years, never traveled abroad, never gone away for more than four days anywhere.
He earns substantially more than I, making me dependent on him for getaways.
Multiple times, including the recent fight, he has said, “Why do you think you deserve a vacation?”

It’s a stumper. I don’t know how to say I deserve one without sounding entitled and privileged. I also don’t know why it has to be justified. We’re stuck in a small rural city (I moved to where he lived when we married) and I’m bored, isolated and hungry for more in the world, but without exception, he tries to make me feel bad for wanting any time away.

He’s not a workaholic, is diligent about saving and traveled the world before our marriage (and took two quasi-business trips to India during it).

I feel so belittled, shamed and increasingly worthless in having to justify the tiniest jaunts, to say nothing of wishing for a once-in-a-lifetime trip to, say, Scotland or Switzerland, two places that call to me deeply.

Do vacations need to be deserved in some way that I’m not seeing? I have my own micro business, which has grown but is still not a big earner, making solo getaways hard to manage, especially since hubby also requires that I pay substantial medical bills for cancer on my own. Any thoughts?"

— Wanderlust Denied

Carolyn's advice: https://wapo.st/3LDLbUq
Cartoon by Nick Galifianakis