Funny You Should Ask

14/03/2024

Time's Up....

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience.

Seeing God, she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path
of the ambulance?"

God replied, "I didn't recognize you!"

14/03/2024

When the space shuttle gets back from its next mission, wouldn't it be hilarious if we were all dressed as apes?

14/03/2024

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 AM and was asked where he was going at that time of night. The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late". The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night"? The man replied, "That would be my wife".

14/03/2024

Mark 17:

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying.

To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands.

He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17.

Every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters.
I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

14/03/2024

Men are all the same - they just have different faces so that you can tell them apart.

14/03/2024

An Irishman walks out of a bar.
Hey, it could happen.

14/03/2024

“Everything will be all right in the end…if it’s not all right then it’s not yet the end.”

13/03/2024

FINALLY! St Patrick's Day's coming.
Now my underwear will be the right color.

13/03/2024

How do you explain Daylight Saving Time to a cat? Just wondering.

13/03/2024

It all depends on your perspective ...

An English professor wrote the words "woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed her students to punctuate it correctly.
The male students wrote:
"Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The female students wrote:
"Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

13/03/2024

Marriage:

Women marry men thinking that they will change.
Men marry women thinking that they will not.

11/03/2024

There are only 3 kinds of people on this Earth. Those that are good at math and those that aren't.

11/03/2024

Bob and Ralph were out quietly ice fishing and....
drinking beer. Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, “I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over two months.”
Ralph continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,
“You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.”

11/03/2024

11/03/2024

I'm so old I remember when water was free and you had to pay for p**n.

11/03/2024

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.

11/03/2024

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

11/03/2024

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

11/03/2024

"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible"
"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."

11/03/2024

Most of my light bulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.

07/03/2024

"Are you Irish?"

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days. A customer asked "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausages?" The assistant asks "Are you Irish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says "Yes I am, but let me ask you something...
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a Kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"
The assistant says "No, I probably wouldn't".
The guy says "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"
The assistant replied "Because you're in a hardware store"...

07/03/2024

Somebody broke into my place yesterday. They didn't steal the TV, just the remote. Now they drive by and change my channels. Sick bastard.

07/03/2024

Weather forecast...

A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day, an old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm." The next day there was a sandstorm.
Several days later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain." The next day it rained for the entire day.
"This Indian is amazing," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian failed to show up for a couple of weeks.
Finally, the director sent for him. "I have a big scene to shoot tomorrow," the director said, "and I'm counting on you. What will the weather be like?"
"Not know," replied the Indian, shrugging his shoulders. "Radio broken!"

07/03/2024

I applied for a job at the casino, but they didn't have a slot for me.

07/03/2024

Have you ever lost your job to an illegal immigrant?

Yes!

I was passed over an illegal alien when I applied for a job with a local orange farmer once.

I asked for minimum wage plus mileage; and overtime available, medical and dental insurance, 401K, hourly 15-minute rest cycles on days hotter than 90 degrees, also, I asked for all Personal Protective Equipment in order to accomplish my job, which included eye protection, leather gloves, a thorn protecting top, and bottom, steel-toed boots, and sun screen with at least a sun protection factor of 60. Also, according to the Occupational Safety and Health Agency, fall protection was required in order for me to go up a ladder higher than 6 feet off the ground…

I have no idea why they would choose him over me… not a clue…

09/02/2024

Never argue with an idiot. They will bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.

09/02/2024

A guy walks into a store and goes up to the counter and says "I'd like a Polish sausage please".
The guy behind the counter says "You Polish or something?"
The guy at the counter says "What? How dare you assume I'm Polish just because I ordered a Polish sausage! If I had ordered Chinese food would you have assumed I was Chinese? If I had ordered a German bratwurst would you have assumed I was German? If I had ordered a pizza would you have assumed I was Italian?"
"No, I asked because this is a hardware store."

09/02/2024

Bad news....

At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto,the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead".
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Is, Senor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"
"Yes, Senor Rod."
"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor Rod."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
"Your wife's, Senor Rod". She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."
SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE.........VERY LONG SILENCE.
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep trouble."

09/02/2024

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?

A. All invented by women.

09/02/2024

There’s that moment when you put your steak on the grill and your mouth waters all over from that amazing smell.

Do you vegans feel the same when you mow the grass?