Sshhhh We Don't Talk About That

18/06/2024

Sometimes it's not about obstacles, but how much you're carrying when you meet them.

18/06/2024

Thought Of The Day:
When setting boundaries, have the confidence of a 5 year old.

Give zero fu€ks if you have to. Make it first and foremost about your peace and safety.

You're not only allowed, it's healthy.

18/06/2024

Straight off the struggle bus and into high functioning society. It's going great... 🤣🤣🤣

17/06/2024

Did a 40 minute intense workout... followed it up with an iced lemon cookie. It's called balance.

17/06/2024

My husband. 💯

17/06/2024

Thought of the day:

16/06/2024

Thought of the day:
This week's podcast episode (dropped at midnight) is about boundaries, one of the hardest things I have faced in my recovery.

I think people with a history of trauma struggle the most with boundaries because our basic boundaries were never respected when we were children, so we just... grew used to it.

We accepted conforming to impossible situations that violated our boundaries because it was how we stayed "safe." When in reality, we were in more danger because we didn't have healthy safeguards that were being respected.

(Yes, even kids are allowed boundaries, ESPECIALLY in regards to touching and personal space)

When one has a turbulent childhood, those boundaries are rarely static. They are like moving pieces on a board game, one where we weren't told the rules to start and they keep changing them without warning, leaving us constantly flailing. Constantly unsure & afraid.

It leaves us with a lot of guessing about boundaries and safety. About what we even want.

If they were that impossible to understand growing up, why would they suddenly be easy to set and understand now?

This is where guidance is so helpful. Grace. Space to grow.

Finding places to set safe boundaries and dipping toes in the water, so speak is how I began.

One of my first ones? It was telling the bagger at the store that I wanted paper instead of plastic even though he had rapidly begun bagging before I noticed and already bagged half my sh¡t in those fragile puffs of plastic they like to call bags.

Old me would've said, "oh well, guess I'm stuck with them." And then thought about the mountain of bags under my sink that barely fit, the environment, how hard they are to recycle, how I need paper for my compost, etc, etc... then I would've swallowed those uncomfortable feelings with a smile and taken the plastic puffs full of my groceries.

Brand new me peeked her head out, heart pounding, and peeped, "excuse me, could you please switch those to paper? I don't like plastic."

As silly as this may sound to some, it was one of the first times I spoke what I wanted where it would inconvenience someone else, and to top it off, for a minute I felt sick afterward, like I'd done something wrong, especially when I thought I saw a flicker of annoyance go across the bagger's face.

I desperately wanted to explain all the reasons why I didn't want those bags so he would understand. I didn't want him to think I was a problem...

I had to remind myself that I'm allowed to have preferences and boundaries. I'm ALLOWED to inconvenience other people. Their problems ARE NOT my problems.

It didn't matter if that bagger HATED paper bags, I deserved to get them. He could set his own boundary by refusing, walking away, or quiting. Of course, those are extremes I never expected to happen, and they didn't. He just rebagged my groceries. With a smile, in fact.

That flash of annoyance I thought I saw on his face? I had no clue what that was attached to, or if it was even real. Maybe his pants got bunched weird, or he remembered a paper cut from before, or maybe he really did hate paper bags... none of that had anything to do with ME.

It took some time and practice, but eventually, I got to a place where setting boundaries was freeing.

They don't have to be confrontational. A boundary is simply us telling someone or something what we will accept and how we wish to be treated. That's it. It's not a demand, threat, or ultimatum. It's just what we need for our comfort and to feel safe.

We all deserve that feeling, no matter what primitive brain tells us. Remember, we are driving the bus, not our unhealthy thoughts and beliefs, US.

We get to tell those thoughts to sit down, S**U, and that this is what we're doing because it's what WE WANT.

Setting boundaries isn't selfish. It's actually caring about ourselves AND others, while giving others a safe space to be in our lives.

There's no more guessing about the game. Now WE get to set those boundaries, WE get to decide what we want and what we'll accept. No more flailing about, trying to figure out the the rules of our lives.

And if you need it, we're here to help.

Now, breathe, and think about what YOU want.

You're finally in charge if you choose to be.

15/06/2024

Thought of the day:
The first time I read this meme, I sobbed. It changed my life. It changed how I viewed myself and my battle with depression.

I suddenly went from being a helpless victim to a warrior because I realized all that time I had been struggling, I wasn't weak, I was looking for a way to survive. Anything to keep myself alive.

I was begging for a stick.

I'm thrilled to say these days are long past me, but I think of this meme often and I remember, I'm not weak, I'm incredible.

I fought against the odds and won, all with just a stick.

14/06/2024

Thought of the day:
Failure can be terrifying, but when you have trauma, it's actually a real mind fu€k for your soul.

It makes your brain say, "This is all my fault. I'M the problem."

As if you are inherently wrong, not just your actions, but YOU.

And this makes sense if we think about the messages we received growing up.

Of course we're the problem, right? That's what our brains were trained to believe at some point, likely in that 0-7 year old range.

Sometimes it happens right away, like if our parent screams at us that we're a worthless loser who ruined their life, that might sink in right away as a core message.

Sometimes it takes a while for the messages on repeat to sink in deep, but once those messages do, they'll get stuck and repeat every time any situation that comes up and reminds us of our core value.

Soon, your brain is telling you, "you are wrong" before someone else does, trying to protect you.

So how do you stop the cycle?

I started by talking to that little girl inside, going deep down and finding what she was truly feeling. Then I let her know that she's finally safe, that she's not alone, and eventually, I could even tell her she's loved.

I also set an internal boundary that I will not speak to myself the way I was taught growing up. If I wouldn't say it to my 5 year old grandchild or my best friend, I best not say it to myself either.

When I stumble (and I DO stumble), I know that I've crossed that internal boundary I set for myself and I can't take what I'm saying as truth or valid, because I'm treating myself just like my abusers did. I will not sink to their level.

We all deserve love, grace, and compassion, and sometimes, we need it from ourselves the most.

No one will talk to you more than you talk to yourself internally. Be kind. Be patient. Remember there's a small child in there who didn't have any say in much of what you experienced growing up. Give them a voice now.

You have the ability and it's more powerful than I can express.

One day a time. One step at a time, and they don't all have to be the same size or even in the same direction. Healing is not linear. It's a dance and you deserve to learn to steps however you need them.

13/06/2024

Kali's absolute disgust with me for refusing to make her fresh food... again.

13/06/2024

13/06/2024

Thought of the day:

"Years ago I learned something from Brené Brown that I still use every single day:
When you get home to your spouse/kids/dog etc..

Before you open the door, put a smile on your face!

It doesn't matter how your day went, or what you're doing next, or if you're starving.
For 30 seconds, at least pretend that you're elated to see them.
Make them feel like you were looking forward to getting back home.
After all, they're your favorite people in the whole world, I hope.

Now, I know what you're thinking: "That seems like a cheesy, tiny thing... Hardly an earth-shattering revelation."

But your sets the tone for the rest of the day within 15 seconds of walking in the door. So really, it's not tiny at all. It's a huge deal, because you come home every day, and the things you do every day grind on you.

Jordan Peterson says if you can fix 25 little things like "coming home," you will have an extraordinary life.

Taking your family to Disneyland is insignificant.

Your kid's expensive birthday party will be forgotten within weeks.

Coming home?

That's your whole life. Fix it.

Start today."

Credit: Benjamin Holmgren

12/06/2024

12/06/2024

Thought of the day:

12/06/2024

Waiting for dad to bring her breakfast...

11/06/2024

Thought of the day:

10/06/2024

Both things can be true

10/06/2024

Thought of the day:

And along the way, I suddenly realized, regardless of what was done to me, what I've experienced, or what obstacles I still face, my life boils down to one simple truth: it is what I CHOOSE to make of it that will make all the difference in my world.

09/06/2024

I would be unstop... oooooo, cookies! BRB!

09/06/2024

Thought of the day:
As trauma survivors, we spend a lot of time trying "get things right."

We try not to make mistakes, to upset people, to rock the boat, so to speak, because we've learned as kids (or even adults who experience trauma) there were HEAVY consequences for not towing the line.

This can turn us into people who are afraid to move forward, to grow, and instead stay lost and stagnant in the patterns we know and recognize because change is scary.

Change means danger.

I can't speak for every trauma survivor, but for me, this kind of thinking led me to being afraid to do much in life, even age.

There is no "aging gracefully" for a trauma survivor.

There's "surviving until you die."

In fact, I DREADED old age. What fresh horrors would that bring? Look old, too???

HARD. PASS.

It wasn't until I went through my healing journey that I was able to realize these are all trauma responses from a brain that was in danger for so long, it prepared itself for any eventuality to happen, even death.

In fact, it prepared me to not only not enjoy life, but rather to WELCOME death. And the sooner, the better.

Living was just too hard. Imagining being an old lady? Impossible. Unwanted. Gross.

To stand on the other side of that and be able to take a deep breath, look into my future, and actually SEE one I want to not just live, but thrive in? It's almost unbelievable.

But that's truly the power of healing the inner child and deep wounding.

I'm not looking forward to dying anymore, or even aging gracefully.

Far too much precious time was wasted being sad and scared.

I want to live with audacity and authenticity, including how I love myself. I CHOOSE to love myself so loudly and outrageously, so authentically and fully that little me inside will be swimming in it. She will never again have doubt that she is loved.

I want to immerse myself in love, because who knows me better than me? Therefore, who can love me, ALL OF ME, better than me?

I finally KNOW I deserve that.

So do you, even if it doesn't feel that way right now.

Baby steps as you head into the future, loving yourself as you go is the surest way to a meaningful recovery.

I look forward to helping you make the journey.

It's so worth it.

Now, breathe...

08/06/2024

Happy Pride Month! ❤️🧡💛💚🩵💙💜

08/06/2024

In honor of Pride in Holly, rather than TOTD, let's do

Word Of The Day:

08/06/2024

It's Pride in Holly today and we are excited to celebrate with our community!

07/06/2024

07/06/2024

Thought of the day:

07/06/2024

OMG! It's happened! Can you believe Natalie turned XX yesterday????
(Sshhh, we don't talk about that...)

Please help wish my podcaster in crime a very happy birthday! We celebrate her all year long, but ESPECIALLY this month!

Happy 49+🖕🏻 birthday, Nat! 🎉🥳🎂🎁🎈🎉