Phroth

30/04/2020

By Nikhil Nayyar A man tries, a bandicoot dies. A bandicoot dies, no one cries. A bandicoot dies. How many more lives? I begin this review by issuing a warning. Games are meant to be fun, they are meant to push you as an individual to grow and develop within the realm of electrons and code. Yet, this is not what “Crash Bandicoot” does. [ 441 more words ]
https://sites.psu.edu/phroth/2020/04/30/crash-bandicoot-review-a-waking-sisyphean-nightmare/

By Nikhil Nayyar A man tries, a bandicoot dies. A bandicoot dies, no one cries. A bandicoot dies. How many more lives? I begin this review by issuing a warning. Games are meant to be fun, they are …

29/04/2020

By Ava Wendelken UNIVERSITY PARK, Pa. – As of January 2020, the Pennsylvania State University is proud to announce the imminent graduation — and subsequent lifelong debt — of its youngest undergraduate yet! Awwww, that’s so cute. Having enrolled at the age of nine, young Belgian lad Jacob Claes turned down acceptance to Oxford, Stanford, and the University of Paris in favor of Dear Old State. [ 290 more words ]
https://sites.psu.edu/phroth/2020/04/29/kid-genius-this-precocious-little-rascal-is-only-12-and-he-already-owes-over-30k-in-student-loans/

By Ava Wendelken UNIVERSITY PARK, Pa. – As of January 2020, the Pennsylvania State University is proud to announce the imminent graduation — and subsequent lifelong debt — of its youngest undergrad…

27/04/2020

By Harry Wendelken Friends, Little Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears; I come to bury Little Caesar, not to praise him. The evil that men do lives after them; The good is oft interred in the dumpster with all the pizzas that have sweated in the hotbox for too long; So it is here with this understaffing. The noble Store Manager, Connor, [ 293 more words ]
https://sites.psu.edu/phroth/2020/04/27/render-unto-little-caesar-that-which-is-little-caesars/

By Harry Wendelken Friends, Little Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears; I come to bury Little Caesar, not to praise him. The evil that men do lives after them; The good is oft interred in the dum…

27/04/2020

By Melody Munitz STATE COLLEGE, Pa. — On Sunday, a local mother and frequenter of Holmes-Foster Park on Westerly Parkway was called out by another local mother for breast-feeding her 5-year-old son on a public bench. Leanne Rendel, 44, a State College resident for 26 years and single-mother of Bjorn Rendel, a kindergartner at Mount Nittany Elementary, said daily trips to Holmes-Foster Park have long-been a part of her daily routine. [ 199 more words ]
https://sites.psu.edu/phroth/2020/04/27/mother-breastfeeding-her-5-year-old-son-in-public-finds-out-shes-weird-2/

By Melody Munitz STATE COLLEGE, Pa. — On Sunday, a local mother and frequenter of Holmes-Foster Park on Westerly Parkway was called out by another local mother for breast-feeding her 5-year-old son…

24/04/2020

By Ava Wendelken STATE COLLEGE, Pa. – Um, you’re telling me this guy did the Trail of Tears? Boy, bye!!! Andrew Jackson, seventh President of the United States, is known for tons of great stuff: championing the rights of the common man, serving in the Revolutionary War, and being on the $20 (cuz we know you make that money, girlboss!!). But something we bet you didn’t know? [ 208 more words ]
https://sites.psu.edu/phroth/2020/04/24/uh-oh-we-just-found-out-who-andrew-jackson-is-and-he-is-so-canceled/

By Ava Wendelken STATE COLLEGE, Pa. – Um, you’re telling me this guy did the Trail of Tears? Boy, bye!!! Andrew Jackson, seventh President of the United States, is known for tons of great stuff: ch…

22/04/2020

By Ryan Brown I know what you’re thinking…what a likely story. Poor girls are subjected to random dick pics way too often for this to be cool. But don’t worry! I am a NICE. GUY. Why would I do this, if not for supernatural reasons? Now should the ladies be impressed by my massive d**g? Yes. Was I disappointed by the underwhelming responses I received? [ 199 more words ]
https://sites.psu.edu/phroth/2020/04/22/my-phone-is-haunted-and-it-keeps-sending-random-girls-dick-pics/

By Ryan Brown I know what you’re thinking…what a likely story. Poor girls are subjected to random dick pics way too often for this to be cool. But don’t worry! I am a NICE. GUY. Why would I do this…

20/04/2020

By Keith Meenan If you’ve been in State College for more than a semester, you’ve already had the exciting chance to see downtown nearly completely reimagined, with hundred year old buildings and small businesses being replaced by exciting new high rise apartments. These apartments, often characterized by their humble rectangle shapes and boldness to be eight stories higher than the average State College building, have allowed Penn State to continue to grow indefinitely. [ 204 more words ]
https://sites.psu.edu/phroth/2020/04/20/heres-why-penn-state-indefinitely-growing-is-actually-kind-of-boss/

By Keith Meenan If you’ve been in State College for more than a semester, you’ve already had the exciting chance to see downtown nearly completely reimagined, with hundred year old buildings and sm…

17/04/2020

By Nikhil Nayyar STATE COLLEGE, Pa. – Wait, this guy is sad? Really? Yeah, no fu***ng s**t. Why is this even news? Who the hell approved this story to be printed? You want to know how I know he’s sad, because he’s a fu***ng English major. What does he do? Read Shakespeare? EVERY ONE OF HIS PLAYS ENDS WITH EVERY CHARACTER DYING! [ 234 more words ]
https://sites.psu.edu/phroth/2020/04/17/english-major-is-sad/

By Nikhil Nayyar STATE COLLEGE, Pa. – Wait, this guy is sad? Really? Yeah, no fu***ng s**t. Why is this even news? Who the hell approved this story to be printed? You want to know how I know he’s s…

15/04/2020

By Ryan Hatfield STATE COLLEGE, Pa. – A local bird, known for being early, just got completely fu**ed after it slept in. Yeah, sorry buddy, but you’re royally screwed now. Good luck finding any worms anywhere after they’ve already been picked over by your bird compatriots. You might starve, who knows? All because you wanted a little extra sleep you stupid moron. [ 179 more words ]
https://sites.psu.edu/phroth/2020/04/15/no-worms-for-you-this-early-bird-overslept-and-is-now-completely-fu**ed/

By Ryan Hatfield STATE COLLEGE, Pa. – A local bird, known for being early, just got completely fu**ed after it slept in. Yeah, sorry buddy, but you’re royally screwed now. Good luck finding any wor…

13/04/2020

By Chelsea West Somewhere In The Desert Fighting A War – In 109-degree heat, the 3rd rank received a salty surprise. All 7,000 colonels popped into pieces of popcorn! “We’ve been on this journey to the battle for 89 days and rations were getting pretty low,” said Soldier Michelle Buchanan, “so this tragedy was for the greater good.” The colonels, now turned into large popcorn, were approximately 6’1” by 7’, but their size slowly diminished as their famished soldiers clawed their way to break off what used to be a limb, now a popped grain, in order to feed their strangely loud growling stomachs. “I served my country and now my country is serving me,” said caramel drizzled Colonel Johnson.
https://sites.psu.edu/phroth/2020/04/13/march-of-the-3rd-rank-goes-terribly-wrong-when-all-colonels-turn-into-popcorn/

By Chelsea West Somewhere In The Desert Fighting A War – In 109-degree heat, the 3rd rank received a salty surprise. All 7,000 colonels popped into pieces of popcorn! “We’ve been on this journey to…

11/04/2020

By Nikhil Nayyar STATE COLLEGE, Pa. – Lockheed Martin, the largest U.S. federal government defense contractor, fed hundreds of Penn State STEM students with delicious, blood-money pizza. They cleaned up the greasy messes with the perhaps the most important document affirming the inherent dignity of ALL humans. The recruitment event, hosted in the new Raytheon Military Industrial Complex (located in the HUB-Robeson Center, directly above the Chick-fil-A) marks another historic push for the company in getting bright-eyed students to forfeit all personal values and morals. [ 345 more words ]
https://sites.psu.edu/phroth/2020/04/11/lockheed-martin-uses-cut-up-geneva-conventions-as-napkins-for-student-pizza-night/

By Nikhil Nayyar STATE COLLEGE, Pa. – Lockheed Martin, the largest U.S. federal government defense contractor, fed hundreds of Penn State STEM students with delicious, blood-money pizza. They clean…

09/04/2020

| By Kendra Hale | LOCALSVILLE, USA - Annie Porter, a local woman who has managed to sew only 100,000 face masks per day, is still not doing enough to slow the spread of coronavirus in town, despite frequent criticism. Members of the community gave their takes on Porter’s sub-par production rate of homemade fabric masks, masks that will definitely work, and are a reasonable substitute for medical-grade masks that should have been available to everyone in the first place, but unfortunately are not, which is not anyone’s fault. [ 676 more words ]
https://sites.psu.edu/phroth/2020/04/09/villains-among-us-local-woman-continually-fails-to-stop-coronaviruss-rampant-spread/

| By Kendra Hale | LOCALSVILLE, USA – Annie Porter, a local woman who has managed to sew only 100,000 face masks per day, is still not doing enough to slow the spread of coronavirus in town, …

08/04/2020

By Christine Ortiz WASHINGTON D.C. - Dennis Paulson (34) like many other Americans has been wrapped up in the presidential election, but he is unsure of which candidate to vote for - both of whom are rapists. “It’s a tight race,” said Paulson, “but both of them have used their power to sexually abuse women as known rapists. Ideally, I would like to vote for a candidate that has not sexually assaulted a woman, but I guess there is no ‘perfect candidate.’ Economic policy is what will swing my vote!” [ 258 more words ]
https://sites.psu.edu/phroth/2020/04/08/voters-unsure-which-rapist-to-elect-to-most-powerful-position-in-america/

By Christine Ortiz WASHINGTON D.C. – Dennis Paulson (34) like many other Americans has been wrapped up in the presidential election, but he is unsure of which candidate to vote for – bo…

08/04/2020

By Victoria Gough WASHINGTON – United States government officials have released a statement claiming knowledge of extraterrestrial life in response to a mysterious signal received last month. The signal, sent down in a massive package that landed in a New Mexico desert, was recovered by ordinary citizens and given to the head of NASA. According to leading mathematicians, the embedded message was delivered in the universal language of binary code. [ 261 more words ]
https://sites.psu.edu/phroth/2020/04/08/mysterious-first-message-from-extraterrestrials-received-dtf/

By Victoria Gough WASHINGTON – United States government officials have released a statement claiming knowledge of extraterrestrial life in response to a mysterious signal received last month. The s…

08/04/2020

By Ayana Francois You may have asked yourself how your brother was born before your parents’ wedding or how your dad got laid telling those god awful jokes. Well as it turns out, he didn’t. According to a new study from the Vatican, all parents are actually virgins. Now I know what you’re thinking: where do babies come from then? And why does my mom have stretch marks? [ 186 more words ]
https://sites.psu.edu/phroth/2020/04/08/breaking-news-all-parents-are-virgins/

By Ayana Francois You may have asked yourself how your brother was born before your parents’ wedding or how your dad got laid telling those god awful jokes. Well as it turns out, he didn’t. Accordi…

06/04/2020

By Paige Thomas WASHINGTON – President Donald Trump has shown lackluster interest in the impeachment trial against him throughout the entirety of its duration. Even after the fact, he seems relatively calm. Phroth’s investigative team was given the once in a lifetime chance to interview Trump personally to get his take on the trial. Here is a transcript of our interview: [ 360 more words ]
https://sites.psu.edu/phroth/2020/04/06/trump-thinks-impeachment-is-a-georgia-themed-edible-arrangements/

By Paige Thomas WASHINGTON – President Donald Trump has shown lackluster interest in the impeachment trial against him throughout the entirety of its duration. Even after the fact, he seems relativ…

04/04/2020

By Chelsea West It really do be those days that really do be like that sometimes. I don’t ever want it to be like that sometimes but sometimes it do gotta be like that. I am glad that it don’t be like that all the time. If it were to do be like that all the time I would be really sad about it. [ 149 more words ]
https://sites.psu.edu/phroth/2020/04/04/it-really-do-be-like-that-sometimes/

By Chelsea West It really do be those days that really do be like that sometimes. I don’t ever want it to be like that sometimes but sometimes it do gotta be like that. I am glad that it don’t be l…

03/04/2020

By Nikhil Nayyar CHEVY CHASE, Md. – In a gritty, revamped advertising campaign, GEICO announced that they are going to blow the eponymous GEICO Gecko’s head off on live TV if you don’t immediately put this paper down and register for their insurance policy. The stunning remarks were made at a tense press conference held at the company’s HQ. In front of stunned reporters and reptiles, they dragged the six inch martyr into the room, a black bag covering his head the entire time while a hired security professional held a Smith & Wesson (r) .38 Special Double Action revolver mere inches from, presumably, the creature’s face. [ 408 more words ]
https://sites.psu.edu/phroth/2020/04/03/hurry-geico-threatens-to-shoot-famous-gecko-if-you-dont-buy-their-fu***ng-insurance/

By Nikhil Nayyar CHEVY CHASE, Md. – In a gritty, revamped advertising campaign, GEICO announced that they are going to blow the eponymous GEICO Gecko’s head off on live TV if you don’t immediately …

02/04/2020

By Ryan Hatfield STATE COLLEGE, Pa. – A local gas station employee just won five whole dollars from a scratch-off from said gas station. Coincidence? Perhaps not. Howard Fleming has been working at Uni-Mart in downtown State College for roughly 5 months. Allegedly, he bought a lottery ticket once he was “off the clock,” that just happened to make him the owner of five big ones. [ 212 more words ]
https://sites.psu.edu/phroth/2020/04/02/foul-play-this-man-just-won-a-five-dollar-scratch-off-from-the-gas-station-he-works-at/

By Ryan Hatfield STATE COLLEGE, Pa. – A local gas station employee just won five whole dollars from a scratch-off from said gas station. Coincidence? Perhaps not. Howard Fleming has been working at…

01/04/2020

By Kendra Hale Anywhere, USA – A local man is being applauded after a groundbreaking meeting at the office, during which he recognized the existence of his sole female coworker. At the beginning of the meeting, his first at the company as a new hire, Todd McMann was asked to introduce himself. “I was a little nervous, of course - first day jitters. [ 383 more words ]
https://sites.psu.edu/phroth/2020/04/01/feminist-hero-acknowledges-woman-in-room/

By Kendra Hale Anywhere, USA – A local man is being applauded after a groundbreaking meeting at the office, during which he recognized the existence of his sole female coworker. At the beginning of…

31/03/2020

31/03/2020

By Nikhil Nayyar Ok, guys, I’m really starting to get worried. I went to the College 9 Theater about seven hours ago and, when I walked out, I found that I was fully aroused. I tried talking to my doctor because it’s been more than four hours, but when I tried explaining the situation to him he kicked me out of his office. [ 233 more words ]
https://sites.psu.edu/phroth/2020/03/31/i-saw-cats-in-theaters-and-now-i-cant-get-rid-of-this-er****on/

By Nikhil Nayyar Ok, guys, I’m really starting to get worried. I went to the College 9 Theater about seven hours ago and, when I walked out, I found that I was fully aroused. I tried talking to my …

30/03/2020

By Timmy “Inky” Page Oh! Pardon me! But when you grabbed me you frightened me something awful! Let me introduce myself. My name is Timmy Page, but you can call me “Inky.” All of my friends call me Inky and I do so hope you’ll be my friend. I need one right now. You see, I was made by an old man who worked the very last printing press on the East Coast. [ 388 more words ]
https://sites.psu.edu/phroth/2020/03/30/hello-there-im-a-sentient-newspaper-and-if-you-pick-me-up-id-love-to-go-on-a-little-adventure-with-you/

By Timmy “Inky” Page Oh! Pardon me! But when you grabbed me you frightened me something awful! Let me introduce myself. My name is Timmy Page, but you can call me “Inky.” All of my friends call me …

28/03/2020

By Nikhil Nayyar STATE COLLEGE, Pa. – In a public announcement, the Pennsylvania State University set forth a revolutionary new method to keep Greek Life in check: numbers on a piece of paper. Of course, for a group of students whose mean GPA is .4 points lower than that of the average Penn Stater, another report card is, of course, the natural choice for enacting radical, systematic change in the school. [ 435 more words ]
https://sites.psu.edu/phroth/2020/03/28/penn-state-unveils-new-greek-life-scorecard-we-hope-it-works-this-time/

By Nikhil Nayyar STATE COLLEGE, Pa. – In a public announcement, the Pennsylvania State University set forth a revolutionary new method to keep Greek Life in check: numbers on a piece of paper. Of c…

27/03/2020

By Harry Wendelken STATE COLLEGE, Pa – The news out of the Presidential Manor has rocked our fair city to its very core. In the most shocking scandal since those other things, it has been revealed that President Eric Barron has grossly misappropriated billions of dollars in student tuition, government aid, and concession stand proceeds to fund his sick habit for exotic cheeses. [ 360 more words ]
https://sites.psu.edu/phroth/2020/03/27/cheesegate-barron-blowsbillions-on-fancy-cheeses/

By Harry Wendelken STATE COLLEGE, Pa – The news out of the Presidential Manor has rocked our fair city to its very core. In the most shocking scandal since those other things, it has been revealed …

26/03/2020

By Kelsey
https://sites.psu.edu/phroth/2020/03/26/inspiring-this-new-york-times-cartoonist-named-kelsey-is-only-4-years-old/

By Kelsey

26/03/2020

By Alice Deveney UNIVERSITY PARK, Pa. – One local man is striving toward a cleaner, brighter future for Planet Earth simply by not pooping. Timothy Simmons (freshman-undecided) has not defecated since arriving to Penn State in September. During that time, it is estimated that Simmons has conserved upwards of one hundred rolls of toilet paper. “I can’t s**t with other people in the bathroom!” screamed Simmons at reporters from inside a locked bathroom stall. [ 199 more words ]
https://sites.psu.edu/phroth/2020/03/26/this-environmental-hero-is-reducing-his-toilet-paper-waste-by-being-extremely-constipated/

By Alice Deveney UNIVERSITY PARK, Pa. – One local man is striving toward a cleaner, brighter future for Planet Earth simply by not pooping. Timothy Simmons (freshman-undecided) has not defecated si…

25/03/2020

In our last newspaper we conducted a profile on Walt Disney and his fascist and racist beliefs but after the The Disney Corporation bought Phroth, they told us to redact that article. Disney is the best! Any mistakes in previous editions were a test, for you, the reader. Your failure to recognize them is a microcosm of the larger failure that is your bleak existence. [ 98 more words ]
https://sites.psu.edu/phroth/2020/03/25/corrections/

In our last newspaper we conducted a profile on Walt Disney and his fascist and racist beliefs but after the The Disney Corporation bought Phroth, they told us to redact that article. Disney is the…

24/03/2020

By Ryan Hatfield STATE COLLEGE, Pa. – The student-celebrated holiday known as “State Patty’s Day” has just become recognized by Penn State as a cue to shut its doors and shut this whole thing down. State Patty’s Day, a play on “Saint Patrick’s Day,” originally started as a celebration of the Irish-American holiday on a weekend adjacent to the holiday. The University placed Spring Break on St. [ 243 more words ]
https://sites.psu.edu/phroth/2020/03/24/state-pattys-day-officially-recognized-by-the-university-as-a-sign-to-close-indefinitely/

By Ryan Hatfield STATE COLLEGE, Pa. – The student-celebrated holiday known as “State Patty’s Day” has just become recognized by Penn State as a cue to shut its doors and shut this whole thing down.…

21/02/2020

|By Ryan Hatfield| STATE COLLEGE, Pa. – The Penn State annual THON dance marathon was cancelled by Phroth this year. We’re so sorry, it was a complete accident. Everybody f***s up once in a while, right? Well, Phroth Humor Publication, Penn State’s favorite source of hilarious satire and comedy, has accidentally cancelled Penn State’s favorite source of raising money for childhood cancer. [ 222 more words ]
https://sites.psu.edu/phroth/2020/02/21/oh-my-god-were-so-sorry-phroth-accidentally-cancelled-thon-this-year/

|By Ryan Hatfield| STATE COLLEGE, Pa. – The Penn State annual THON dance marathon was cancelled by Phroth this year. We’re so sorry, it was a complete accident. Everybody f***s up once in a while, …