The Impotent Satyr

28/04/2024

The band looks forward to days out on the open road

I'm the gris upon the mer.

27/04/2024

"It's going to take more than a sentient blood-thinner to tame this morning wood," Sora says to his enemy right before beating the meat off their bone. That's his catchphrase.

Donald, Goofy, and Sora fight the hordes of Hardless, thrusting and busting evil Dicney villains who use The Hardless like pawns.

21/03/2024

Our skin chips are hand peeled and fried to dry, flaky perfection. Naturally salty, these crispy boys are sure to satisfy any cannibalistic cravings. Look out for upcoming flavors like:
Skin Salt and Vinegar (a classic)
Jalapeño Eczema
Honey Barbecuticle
Topical Punch
Acne Cream & Onion

Our skin chips are hand peeled and fried to dry, flaky perfection. Naturally salty, our crispy boys are sure to satisfy any cannibalistic cravings.

20/03/2024

Yo Momma Momma Mia

20/03/2024

Your liver will handle what your heart can't. Drink up, bitch.

10/03/2024

Mmm I can't stop eating these. I think I've developed a habit!

Relief instantly washes over you, as Nunyun holes are large and famously not tight. Sticking one's finger in a Nunyun gives no satisfaction—zero sexual gratification.

06/03/2024

03/03/2024

This is MVP's toughest match yet. And with no ice rink around, things won't be cooling off any time soon.

05/02/2024

Hey I just met you, This is cray, Here's my number, Call me May

15/01/2024

Imagine adding ice cubes to trail mix.

09/10/2023

The health inspection was not great success. But the soup was to die. And die they did do. High five!

The health inspection was not great success. But the soup was to die. And die they did do. High five! Boratatouille is skipping American theaters and is instead headed straight into a bin full of DVDs at your local Walmart or wherever your neighbor is a pain in your as***le.

10/09/2023

Henchmen Eat Waffles the audio book has been remastered!
-Audio levels are now within a smaller decibel range
-Certain lines have been re-recorded
-And this time I remembered to upload the Post Epilogue
And this is all free on YouTube! I know none of you listened to it because you didn't have the $3 to spare on Audible, Google Play, Spotify, etc. So Uncle Dan is here with a freebie. Enjoy.

Long-time fans of costumed villainy, Jeb and Tommy accidentally find themselves in awe and in fear of working as haphazard henchmen for some of the fiercest ...

02/08/2023

To a place where blind men seek
employment.

"I'd really prefer to work somewhere on or adjacent to golden streets."

02/08/2023

I'd be runnin' up that hill, wearing your face
Runnin' up that road, still wearing your face
Runnin' up that building, sweating profusely from your face

I'd be runnin' up that hill (wearing your face) Runnin' up that road (still wearing your face) Runnin' up that building (sweating profusely from your face)

02/06/2023

"Since it was his fault to begin with, we made Gerald try out one of these heavily-salted caramels. After eating one, Gerald was speechless."

Since it was his fault to begin with, we made Gerald try out one of these heavily-salted caramels. After eating one, Gerald was speechless.

09/05/2023

Olympia, WA restaurant Vics Pizzeria, known for their diet-accommodating whole pizzas and by-the-slice options, has made a subtle change in the way customers can now order food: Pizza by-the-handful.

Customers ordering by-the-handful may not have their pizza reheated, for reasons Vics' lawyers claim are 'paramount in avoiding a law suit.'

03/05/2023

"How the mighty fall with such grace, grasping at the searing pain in their thigh; screaming face-down into the grassy pitch; lying still-as-death, completely immobilized by their opponent breathing a little bit too heavily on their neck as he ran by."

How the mighty fall with such grace, grasping at the searing pain in their thigh; screaming face-down into the grassy pitch; lying still-as-death, completely immobilized by their opponent breathing a little bit too heavily on their neck as he ran by.

24/04/2023

"Chodelula Hot Sauce is the only hot sauce I put on my mayonnaise-laced foodstuffs. Look, if you're anything like me (white-skinned and fragile), you know that liquids made of chili peppers can be quite lethal to my digestive tract. Spicy things hurt coming out."

What if hot sauce could stretch out your insides without wrecking you deep, deep in your intestines?

22/03/2023

From the food scientists who brought you Weeb Cuisine® comes Italy's favorite pastime meal — Mussolini Cuisini — the only frozen dinner for one that's actually meant to be split between the whole family. In fact, that's our slogan.

15/03/2023

Yummers

Feel the eruption of flavor as you bite through the crunchy candy exterior and sink your teeth into the spunky, adhesive-like interior.

01/03/2023

Just gonna leave this here

Entire cup may be submerged in a milky brine. Purchase Reese's Life Cereal Cups wherever people tell you 'you're fine' after you've clearly just lost your sight and/or mind.

28/02/2023

Our container is probably very likely going to spill forth large amounts of milk before, during, and after your purchase. It is recommended to drink quickly.

We here at Impotent Products understand that the world is a scary place. Sometimes you look at a carton of milk and think, "How do I know that there's actually milk inside that carton? Heck, it could be any number of liquids, bodily or otherwise."

25/02/2023

"Gripping stuff."

23/02/2023

You've tried burning sage, you've done a handstand during climax, you've chanted incantations—all with no effect conceiving a child. But have you ever tried just 'soaking' the ham rod in the flesh pit? Every drop counts! But you know—and I know—men get bored after a while and tend to wander of...

20/02/2023

Did you know!?

On the first night of the South American tour, Ozzy bit the bat-shaped mustache clean off a poor señor's face. A cold upper lip leads a man to violence, and that moment was no exception.

28/01/2023

How does one send out the signal, "I'm interested in abducting you off the street in open daylight"?

With CREEPER VANS, of course!

Impotent Products | How does one send out the signal, "I'm interested in you"? With ceaseless, unblinking eye contact, of course! How does one send out the signal, "I'm interested in abducting you off the street in open daylight"? With CREEPER VANS, of course!