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Dr. Nicole LePera
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Codependency is so common in our culture, most people just see it as normal. But codependency can cause deep issues in relationships. Especially with family when clear boundaries are established or respected. It creates a fear of telling people things and a deep seated belief we’re responsible for the emotional state of other adults. Control is present in all codependent families. Typically, it’s subconscious and people are unaware they’re doing these things. THE CONTROL IS ESTABLISHED BY: 1. Giving unsolicited advice around your life choices: “well I would” “if I were you wouldn’t.” Giving unsolicited advice is a way a person attempts to control a persons behavior. 2. Guilt and shame are used: guilt and shame are used to control what a person does or doesn’t do. In codependent families there is a fear of negative emotions. So if someone feels upset or disappointed, this sets off an internal alarm. Guilt and shame reinforces the core belief that if someone’s upset, I have to alter my choices or behavior. Regardless of my own needs or my safety. 3. Denies your reality: in codependent families there is a foundation of denial. Family members deny things that make them uncomfortable or anything that would lead to things not going their way. They deny realities of others to control narratives and have things go in the way they choose. If you recognize this pattern in someone, be aware. Don’t go into justifying or trying to control their reactions. Stay grounded. Speak your boundary. Accept their disappointment and recognize as an adult you’re capable of making your own choices now #selfhealers #marriage #couplesofinstagram #couplegoals #iloveithere #iloveher #ilovehim #whyarewelikethis #toofunny #relatableaf #funnyaf #comedyreels #funnyreels #reeels #reelsforyou #relatablereels #reelsofinstagram #reelsoftheday #reelkarofeelkaro #bestreels #fy #fypシ
Many of us were raised by highly reactive parents— parents stuck in fight or flight. This causes us to shut down. We never get the emotional language to express how we feel. And we become hypervigilant of how people will react. Many peacekeepers or fixers are raised in this environment. They believe their role is to not upset anyone to “keep the peace” at all costs. Healthy relationships aren’t about keeping the peace or monitoring someone’s emotions— they’re about being open. They’re about being vulnerable and having difficult conversations. That’s how we learn to trust. That’s how we get our needs met. And how we meet the needs of others #selfhealers #marriage #couplesofinstagram #couplegoals #iloveithere #iloveher #ilovehim #whyarewelikethis #toofunny #relatableaf #funnyaf #comedyreels #funnyreels #reeels #reelsforyou #relatablereels #reelsofinstagram #reelsoftheday #reelkarofeelkaro #bestreels #fy #fypシ
Micromanaging those around us is a hallmark symptom of C-PTSD. When we don’t feel safe, we try to control our external environment in an attempt to bring that safety. Many of us were also raised by hyper-vigilant parents who over-functioned for us. This looks like correcting everything we did, showing us “better” ways to do things, as giving us constant feedback. Or around parents who were absent. It fell on us to do everything “perfectly.” In adult relationships this creates anxiety. Many of us aren’t aware we’re even doing it. It comes from a well-meaning place but can have those around us feeling like we don’t trust them. Or irritated/smothered. None of us like being micromanaged. I did this all the time and have really worked through it. Giving our partners emotional space and trust really deepens our connection. REMINDERS IF YOU MICROMANAGE: 1. Practice not commenting: it will be difficult at first but practice not always giving feedback. Notice how with time you have less anxiety. 2. Surrender to the reality there are many ways to do one thing: we tend to believe we do things the “right” way but there are many different ways to do a single thing. If you feel very triggered by how someone is doing something, take some space. Notice how it’s ok to let go. 3. Have a conversation: if you do this be open to hearing how this impacts people around you. It might feel *highly* uncomfortable (when my partner told me this I was cringing) but it’s important to see our impact. It’s worth working on this to allow other people to feel competent and safe #selfhealers #psychology #mentalhealth #love #therapy #mentalhealthawareness #anxiety #motivation #psychologist #selfcare #mindfulness #selflove #life #psicologia #mentalhealthmatters #depression #philosophy #health #psychologyfacts #psychotherapy #healing #quotes #art #psychologystudent #mindset #wellness #meditation #inspiration #mentalillness #mind #therapist #trending #viral
BOOKMARK THIS SOMATIC PRACTICE. Many of us were punished as children for being angry. We were made to believe we were wrong or bad for feeling angry. We were told to stop feeling it. Lots of dysfunctional coping mechanisms develop from the belief: I cannot and should not feel anger. Anger is one of the most important human emotions. It tells us when boundaries have been violated, when a relationship is unbalanced, and when our needs have been unmet. It allows us to know when we feel helpless and out of control— or unloved. When we feel anger, our body goes into fight or flight. This means there is energy in the body that needs to be released. The BEST way to do this is through shaking and crying. This somatic practice allows you to do both. Use an old T-shirt or rag. Pull as hard as you can. Scream if you need to. Let your body shake. You’ll feel a release. And so much calm after #selfhealers #fyp #viral #parents #mexico🇲🇽 #mexicantiktok #fypシ #selfdefense #safety #safetytips #tiptok #momtok #dadsoftiktok #parents #school #animals #bear #kids #human #love #cars #usa #canada #nature #parents
A secure partner is able to hear things in a curious way. Instead of being highly defensive or reactive, they come from a place of understanding. This means saying things like: “Ok, I understand you’re overwhelmed— how can I help?” “That’s a lot. How can I support you?” “Are you venting, or do you want me to step in right now?” It also means resisting the urge to go tit for tat: “well I do x, y, and z!” “you act like I never help!” “Oh sorry I’m just the worst why are you even with me” We develop more security by responding to things in a mature way. By coming together instead of bracing for a fight. And by realizing it’s RARELY personal. If you want to become a more secure partner and build healthier relationships @selfhealers.circle is opening in a few weeks. You’ll have immediate access to: - Hundreds of hours of workshop on relationships, attachment, and boundaries - A private community of like-minded people away from social media - Exclusive content/worksheets to dive deep into your healing journey Spaces do sell out. To secure your spot comment “WAITLIST” and a link will be sent to your DM #selfhealers #fyp #viral #parents #mexico🇲🇽 #mexicantiktok #fypシ #selfdefense #safety #safetytips #tiptok #momtok #dadsoftiktok #parents #school #animals #bear #kids #human #love #cars #usa #canada #nature #parents
I wish more people had awareness that going into debt isn’t something to shame themselves over. I wish more people knew that feeling of never having enough (even if you do now) is your body remembering—trying to keep you alive. I wish people knew money is not just money— it’s quite literally connected to survival and your earliest experiences of having it or not having it, go with you. I wish people had an understanding that shopping and impulsive spending is one of the most common and least recognized forms of self soothing. May we all understand ourselves. Have compassion for ourselves. And create new habits and patterns around money so the next generation doesn’t live with the guilt, fear, and shame #selfhealers #fyp #viral #parents #mexico🇲🇽 #mexicantiktok #fypシ #selfdefense #safety #safetytips #tiptok #momtok #dadsoftiktok #parents #school #animals #bear #kids #human #love #cars #usa #canada #nature #parents
People with avoidant attachment patterns are activated by closeness. Feeling close or connected to someone was never a safe space to be in. And avoidance feels most comfortable and reassuring. People with anxious attachment patterns are activated by distance. Feeling close to someone is their only way to feel safe because their core wound is the abandonment wound. When someone takes space or there is distance they can go into fight or flight. Anxious attachment and avoidant attachment is the most common pairing. Both are seeking completely different things and both are activated by different things. This relationship CAN work with awareness of each others patterns, triggers, and of course open communication. Have you seen this in your relationships? #selfhealers #spirituality #spiritualtiktok #foryou #fyp #food #learnontiktok #spiritualawakening #thirdeye #energy #foryoupage #energy #timetravelerselfhealers
Ever walk into a room and forget why you’re there? Or go from task to task so overstimulated you can’t complete one. Or maybe you get all your tasks done but it was like someone else did them— not you. This is your body in functional freeze. HOW TO START GETTING OUT OF FREEZE: 1. Move your body. When I’m stuck in freeze, I shake and move my arms neck and hips around. Involve your entire body. In freeze the body is immobilized, and muscles are tense. Body movement signals safety when we’re in this mode. At the same time visualize your body being fluid and light. 2. Come back the body: we do this by feeling the temperature in the air, our feet in the ground, smell the scents around you, or look at something in nature that’s still. Take 3 deep belly breaths and say: “I am safe in my own body” 3. Small steps: procrastination is ongoing in freeze because our body doesn’t want to do— it wants to PRESERVE ENERGY. This is why it’s key to work *with* the body and do small steps. Say to yourself: right now I am taking the trash out. Complete that task. Celebrate that task. Move to another small task. Thinking and obsessing over all that needs to be done is what our body will do in freeze. The way out is to choose the smallest tasks that easiest (most low energy) to complete. Sending love and support to all people in functional freeze. Your body is trying to protect you. Please share for awareness #selfhealers #animals #bear #kids #human #love #cars #usa #canada #nature #parents #parents #soulmate #highschoolsweethearts #fyp #viral #siblings #siblingsbelike #siblingcheck #brothers #funny #lmao #haha #parents #homeearly
You know I couldn’t leave LA without gifting copies. Appreciate all the love and support you all gave me. Go find them in front of shutters hotel on the beach #selfhealers #comedy #sketch #parents #relatable #aussie #funny #comedyvideo #funnyvideos #funnymoments #viralvideo #momhack #schoolhack #mom #parents #clothesorganization #organization #ide#comedy #sketch #parents #relatable #aussie #funny #comedyvideo #funnyvideos #funnymoments #viralvideo #momhack #schoolhack #mom #parents #clothesorganization #organization #ide#valjeana #kidsoftiktok #parents #funny #hellotiktok #friends #kidsbelike #fyp #fypシ #salute #support #positivevibes #positivity #love #goodbye
This month I’m presenting a workshop very close to my heart in @selfhealers.circle on functional freeze. I know this state all too well and over the past couple of years I’ve really learned how to get my body out of freeze. It’s changed my life. If you want to join when we open doors Jan 1st, comment WAITLIST. Then check your DM. Spaces do sell out, this ensures your spot #selfhealers #fypシ #fyp #foryou #musicaltheatre #professionalactor #broadway #audition #theatre #nationaltour #theatrekid #theatretok #lesmis #lesmiz #lesmiserables #fantine #confrontation #valjean #javert #thatwife #help #confrontation #babysitting #storytime #dance #dancer #dancereel #funny #dancing #trend #dancetrends
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