19/11/2023
I'm starting to come up with more theories about how this current shell came to be so talkative (referring to how I seem to be so enthusiastic in replying to almost every single person talking in a group chat). I'm quite sure I've exhibited this behavior before, two "versions" of myself ago, but now it seems to be so prevalent and overpowering. Not just that, but the way I communicated with people has been nothing less than... "crowding"? No, suffocating. Brash. Brazen. Haphazard. Like an extrovert who's a little too touchy-feely, or a loudmouth in a high-school classroom. Point being: kind of insufferable.
One of these theories is that I might be craving for social interaction again, whether it's with the people I'm tethered to, with new people I meet. To talk to someone who doesn't seem to mind all my antics, my quirks, my flaws, my corny fu***ng jokes... Maybe not romantically (because that's not welcome anymore), but in a frienship sort of way.
Maybe this talkativeness is borne out of a desire to connect to people.
And yet still... I seem to have forgotten what true connections are--what they feel like, what I'm supposed to be doing to keep and establish them. It seems like I've been staring at the forest for too long, I stopped seeing it for the trees. That is, plainly speaking, I let my jaded, cynical, "big-picture" view of the world taint my perception and how I communicate with people who I'm connected to.
The other theory is far more cynical, yet possibly equally as valid: I might be a narcissist. It's been stirring in the back of my mind now ever since I shifed into this form--have I been one all this time, or is this negative self-talk? Perhaps I was so eager to claw my way out of depression that I unwittingly ended up in the frying pan of *maliciously* not caring about what other people think. The problem is I do care, and I am being sincere in my replies to other people, furthering conversations by sharing my experiences with topics that I can relate to in the hopes that others share their experiences as well (because I genuinely love reading that s**t). I admittedly might have been too enthusiastic in this regard, though, but that's another theory entirely.
I'm not even sure if I actually am a narcissist or exhibit narcissistic behavior (is it impostor syndrome, or self-victimization?), but I don't think it would hurt me to be mindful if and when I start to exhibit such things, just in case.
Or should I say... I should check myself before I shrekt myself?
🥁🥁💥🔫
Whatever, f**k it, my eyes burn. I'm going to sleep
