Shay Rowbottom

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Shay Rowbottom

I design, direct, and edit videos to promote interesting brands & businesses!

26/11/2024

We’re missing the mark on the sacredness of s*x through holy matrimony.

That’s why everyone is supplementing with multiple partners and societal s*xual compulsions & distortions have gotten out of control.

Ironically, this is also the result of religion.

“No s*x til marriage” is a good goal to aim for - but putting that on a population of what are basically h***y mammals is unrealistic and leads to feelings of shame in those who end up falling to temptations and indulge in premartial s*x, or are homos*xual.

Shame causes hiding.
Hiding causes repression.
Repression causes a build up.

Eventually that build up has to go somewhere, and this is how kids get molested.

Sorry not sorry, someone had to say it.

I’ve had plenty of time to think about this. Unfortunately the mass shame we put on pedophiles isn’t helping anything either - these people have no where to go. No AA for “this urge” - so instead, they keep doing it.

I don’t have all the answers, I am just asking the questions.

The s*xual rulebook that came from religion intended to guide us toward the purest experience possible,

ironically created immense s*xual distortion and pe******ia.

*xualtrauma

01/11/2024

Let’s get physical 💪🏻

Happy Halloween 👻😜

19/10/2024

The best years only ahead of me.

Today I am 32 years old.

Mourning my 20’s has been an ongoing process. “Becoming the woman” has been a challenging grind. For those of us raised by children, it’s difficult to break the cycle and I found myself at many points in my process these past 2 years realizing how childish I really still am.

That in many ways, I was becoming the “adult” I so grossly detested all my upbringing.

It’s easy to say “I’m not like them - I’m different.” and sure, you are.

But have you really, 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 put down the candy bar?

Have you “Goggin’s” it, yet?

The greatest lesson I’ve learned moving into my 30’s is that success will not be measured by how hard you work. How much you read. How many of the right circles you get in.

It will be measured by your ability to 𝗲𝗻𝗱𝘂𝗿𝗲.

The more you can endure pain, the more success you will have.

Living in faith means living through that pain, knowing full well your future self is going to thank you for it.

That it is in fact 𝘯𝘰𝘵 permanent.

You will get through it. And the more you face pain head on, the more you build that muscle of positive reinforcement to know this is true, and ride the future waves with more ease each time they come in.

I’m not perfect.

I’ve fallen off, many times.

But I’m getting there.

Living for God means truly believing, to my core, that his path for me is better than mine. More fruitful and more beautiful than I could ever imagine.

That’s faith.

My need for control is fleeting.

Call it anxiety, C-PTSD, a dis-regulated nervous system... or from the Christian perspective,

call it living in sin and for the flesh.

It doesn’t matter your perspective, science or religion, it all comes back to the same thing:

𝗳𝗲𝗮𝗿.

This is what I remind myself to let go of more and more each day. This is what has been holding me back all along. This is what the bible means when (365 times) you can find the words, “have no fear.” This is the prison we’ve been locked in for so long, BUT-

this is what the human race is transcending now. & damn...

what an epic time to be alive.

Happy Birthday, to me. 🎈

16/10/2024

I’m gonna miss it.

𝙈𝙞𝙖𝙢𝙞.

it’s hard to accept that my time in this city is actually done. Only two weeks left before I head back to Orlando, then again follow my call to hit the road.

Not sure exactly what’s “home” anymore - but I know it ain’t here.

& that’s hard.

I grew so attached to this city.

I moved here almost 6 years ago now, at age 26.

I catapulted my brand on LinkedIn after relocating here. Regained repressed childhood trauma. Left a toxic relationship, and dove all into alternative healing. Which, no doubt-

this town has a lot of good resources for.

I settled in so deeply and I have identified with this place now, for years. I know all the roads, my favorite restaurants, my gyms, and let’s not forget - the many beautiful beaches that are hard to top in comparison to anywhere else in the US.

Suddenly that feeling of belonging, one I was so sure of just 6 months ago, when I attempted to buy my second home and plant my feet for good...

has all been transmuted into that of a Nomadic woman.

Miami made me better.

More attractive.

Smarter.

This city is like a portal of heavy energy that will implode all your life’s misalignments. And if you’re not prepared to face rapid expansion -

people often flee just as fast as they come in.

But I think that I conquered Miami.

I got what I needed. Yet in some ways, the culture here also took me away from my truest roots. The true essence of Shannon that I realized got lost so long ago.

I don’t need a big house, a fancy car, or a mani-pedi every Friday.

I need freedom.

Nature.

The open road.

The irony of thinking I need a house, only to realize God’s path for me is a minimalistic life, with no “home” at all.

Wherever there is God, I am home.

Good news -

𝗛𝗲 𝗶𝘀 𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘆𝘄𝗵𝗲𝗿𝗲.

I look out at the beautiful Marina - the 5th and final place I’d ever rent in Miami... and wow.

So much gratitude for what this city has taught me.

Who knows where life will take me. Perhaps one day, I’ll be back, and invest in that property after all... but for now, it’s time to invest in me. The bare me - raw and wild... the child forgotten.

Nothing real can be threatened.

This is who I was, all along.

11/10/2024

I flew to Wisconsin to surprise my sister for her birthday

She had no idea! 🤣

It all started when I went to the gym but they were closed due to the Hurricane (come on Miami, it wasn't even hitting us...)

but anyway,

thank goodness for that because on my way home I just realized, why not find a flight and jet up to MKE for a few days? I miss the seeing the beautiful fall leaves change in October this time of year and not to mention-

I miss my sister.

my fellow Libra babe I hadn't seen in over a year. I knew it'd be hilarious to just show up at her house.

I love this girl to the moon & back. She is the most compassionate, sweet, empathetic and kind person I know. I can always call her and she picks up. She's always putting others before herself. She's a nanny, a caretaker, and an all around good human being.

She's also a dog momma to THREE pitbulls... so you don't want to mess with this woman! 😆

Happy 34th Birthday Molly.

I love you. 🎈

05/10/2024

Is Ayahuasca a 𝙙𝙚𝙢𝙤𝙣?

I had to ask, as my experience no doubt sent me on a path w/ regrets, and I divulge all of this in my recent article on LinkedIn.

As I outgrow this chapter, I’m attracting Christians reaching out expressing their convictions about how these drugs serve NO purpose! One even proclaiming:

“Ayahuasca is a demon.”

I do my best to challenge my beliefs and so I sat with this one, really thought about it.

I can’t argue Aya is “dark” - scary & nothing to play with.

But a demon?

Interesting.

If a demon, why on earth would she expose to me the 𝘥𝘦𝘮𝘰𝘯𝘴 in my family line? Giving me back memory I can now choose different.

Thank goodness for that.

I have no regrets. I know due to the complexity of my trauma, there was no other way. I know HE was protecting me from having to integrate my memories organically, as it’s simply unbearable.

Portal open, portal shut.

Answers.

That saved my life.

Before Aya, I thought about su***de everyday.

Or how about the many atheists who found God after doing psychedelics?

Things are not black & white.

But I get it-

we love to feel we know all the answers. To be RIGHT! So any new information that comes into our field, we don’t give a fair chance.

So, a demon?

No.

An entity?

Yes.

& I don’t recommend playing w/ her unless it’s absolutely needed.

I needed to engage with this entity to fight off much darker ones, ones I hope you never have to experience. Bless you for the fact that you clearly...

just do not understand this level of spiritual warfare.

Fighting fire w/ fire, I clawed my way out with the assist of this “entity”

and now I have 𝗚𝗼𝗱.

Now I don’t need them.

The consistent lack of empathy for the level of demonic possession in my family line and the choices I made to get past it is something I get to live with.

Not everyone gets it, and likely that will always be hard.

But they do serve a purpose, and I challenge you to have an open mind.

Not everyone’s path is the same.

Before you tell someone how you KNOW they could have processed their trauma more “correctly” through your narrow-Christian-belief-system, take a step back.

Because you sure don’t know sh*t about mine.

04/10/2024

I am not the director.

I am the conduit.

This I didn’t recognize, embody, or understand as to why I have not yet ARRIVED.

For what is movement without a clear path and intention? I have been flailing in all directions. Moving alright, but landing nowhere.

I thought I needed control. I thought any other position, was weak.

I thought I could do it alone but I can’t. And I spent years on the battleground solo, leading to the brink of exhaustion.

I’m tired.

I didn’t imagine such a beautiful twist in the story. That - all the while getting nowhere, I actually was going somewhere…

here.

To the very breaking point aforementioned.

Because without all the aimless traveling, the journey to nothing, over and over again… I could never have surrendered to the truth. I could never have ARRIVED at full certainty, full faith, and full knowing that my capabilities as a conduit…

are only half of the pie.

And I’d need another key to the puzzle.

𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗱𝗶𝗿𝗲𝗰𝘁𝗼𝗿.

I see the world through new lenses now and I know my place in it.

I honor it.

And thanks to the aimless pain I have sliced through for years, I can accept what I no longer want. I can admit what I’m actually 𝘯𝘰𝘵. And I can walk through this door to my intended role, fully. So I may carry it out with full confidence, strength, and dignity.

So, thank you- 𝘮𝘺 𝘢𝘪𝘮𝘭𝘦𝘴𝘴 𝘫𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘯𝘦𝘺 𝘵𝘰 𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘴,

because now I finally know for sure where I’m going...

and that’s wherever my director may take me.

27/09/2024

If you 𝘄𝗶𝗹𝗹-𝗽𝗼𝘄𝗲𝗿 your way out of addiction,

have you actually healed?

I have used the power of force many times in my life to get out of bad situations/habits, but the older I get the more I am relieved to experience the genuine desire to simply WANT:

to treat my mind & my body a͟s͟ ͟a͟ ͟t͟e͟m͟p͟l͟e͟.͟

That wasn't always the case.

It was always a "should."

I 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 give up drugs.

I 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 go & work out.

I 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 eat healthy.

Versus an authentically healthy self-care and a deep level of self-respect.

As effortlessly as I'd say no to something like,

"Hey, do you want to eat dirt?"

Pass.

That's what is so fascinating about the human experience. Think about it-

what exactly went on in childhood (namely before the age of 7) to program us so hard and so deeply that we lost all self-respect and began to self-harm?

Was it just that our parents were already deep in their addictions, negative self-talk, and bad habits, that we simply just modeled after what we saw?

Or even further -

perhaps that our parents were THREATENED by the innocence and purity fresh souls (children) on earth still possess, it triggered within them deeply the strong self-care and self-respect they gave up long ago, that they couldn't dare witness their child have it so good.

I have seen point-blank, through my own healing journey, how the ways in which I willingly entered into covenants with drugs and bad habits were directly correlated to the adults around me being threatened by my light, my intelligence, and my endless potential.

Parents,

be mindful of the ways you do this to your children.

be courageous enough to light a better path for them, even if you yourself didn't have it.

The subconscious disease of "well this is what was done to me, so why should you get anything better?" is a wicked one.

It has taken years of reprogramming to become the parent I never had. I'm grateful to say the hard decisions to "willpower" my way out of bad habits, do eventually transmute into a genuine D͟I͟S͟L͟I͟K͟E͟...

for anything that could keep me from my best.

☀️

23/09/2024

Last week, I spoke for the first time in over 2 years.

I originally thought I’d just take a few months off-

but the longer I receded from the limelight, the more I realized how deep the healing that was upon me was. I got pretty good at turning down opportunities as I squeezed the hose on my previously 7-figure earning online program.

• No more speaking/podcasts
• No more big staff/overhead/clients

I knew something was off in my business. I realized I was using it as a shield and an armor to project a grandiose image, and defend the real me.

I’d become so engulfed in my own brand, ironically my original message of authenticity suddenly began calling ME out on how filtered I actually am.

Healing is like peeling back layers to an onion.

The letting go of all of these things have contributed to a more intense “coming online” of my true self and it has been jarring to witness, in real time, the splitting of my own brain. It’s like I live between two worlds, the split me and the real me edging back, more and more.

Observing in myself, like a 3rd party, the effects of NPD (among other clusterB symptoms) is like the craziest science project I ever took on.

The complexity of the trauma I endured in my childhood created insane dissociation. A fortress of filters, armor, and additional safeguards to even get to that armor.

What I’ve learned these past two years, is it’s going to take a lot more patience and time than I originally anticipated to break this all apart and ascend to the highest, most authentic version of me.

We forget who we really are, and then we forget that we forgot.

The brain is a powerful mechanism, designed for survival. So many, like me-

are tricking themselves.

I was reminded last week through the reaction of the audience hearing my story, how much this message is needed. So,

After a 2 year break, and with a much stronger foundation, I decided to open up my online training again.

Today at 3 pm EST I am hosting a 𝙋𝙚𝙧𝙨𝙤𝙣𝙖𝙡 𝘽𝙧𝙖𝙣𝙙𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙀𝙢𝙥𝙤𝙬𝙚𝙧𝙢𝙚𝙣𝙩 𝙃𝙤𝙪𝙧 to dive deeper into how you can begin to “come online” as the real you, literally and figuratively.

I’d love to see you there.

link in my story 💫

11/09/2024

Do women need a man to be successful in business? 𝗡𝗼.

BUT-

it certainly helps.

Let me explain:

People LOVE feminine energy. People LOVE masculine energy! And right now the world (especially the states) has far too many people 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘨𝘳𝘢𝘺.

We are suffering from gender-sameness. Not “equality” as so many have been sold, this is not what equality looks like. We are equal, just separate, and the differing energies should be honored & respected as such.

Gender-sameness hurts both genders.

A lack of polarity hurts society, relationships, marriages, children, and yes... you guessed it:

it even hurts w͟o͟m͟e͟n͟ ͟i͟n͟ ͟b͟u͟s͟i͟n͟e͟s͟s͟.

To further illustrate how this works, I’ll share a personal story.

I was talking to a friend recently and confessed this,

𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵? 𝘠𝘦𝘢𝘩, 𝘣𝘦𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘯 𝘪𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘱𝘦𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘸𝘰𝘮𝘢𝘯 𝘪𝘴 𝘨𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘵. 𝘠𝘦𝘴, 𝘐 𝘢𝘮 𝘨𝘳𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘧𝘶𝘭 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘮𝘺 𝘣𝘶𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘴. 𝘍𝘰𝘳 𝘮𝘺 𝘢𝘣𝘪𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘺 𝘵𝘰 𝘮𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘮𝘺 𝘰𝘸𝘯 𝘮𝘰𝘯𝘦𝘺 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘣𝘦 100% 𝘴𝘰𝘭𝘰, 𝘪𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘱𝘦𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘯𝘵, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘰𝘯 𝘮𝘺 𝘰𝘸𝘯.

𝘽𝙐𝙏-

𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘦𝘭𝘴𝘦?

𝘐 𝘢𝘮 𝘵𝘪𝘳𝘦𝘥. 😫

I am in survival mode, always.

Why?

Because I do not have a backup. All these years... it’s only been me. And I’ll admit it, that weighs on my feminine spirit. That impacts my ability to tap into my creative, feminine gifts for my clients. Which is actually... ironically,

just what they need.

It’s not that if I had a strong, masculine man to provide for me I would suddenly shutdown my business... NO!

rather that: if God forbid 𝘐 𝘥𝘰 𝘧𝘢𝘭𝘭...

I just want to know that somebody’s 𝙂𝙊𝙏 𝙈𝙀!

This is how we can excel as women in business.

For now, I am safe. For now, I can step fully into that creative, free-flowing, feminine energy that everyone loves.

Now I can show up for my clients from a place of joy, play, and relaxation.

Rather than survival, necessity, etc.

Best to let men lead with that, so women can create whatever it is they desire from a place of safety, and full presence.

This is why gender roles 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘴𝘰 𝘪𝘮𝘱𝘰𝘳𝘵𝘢𝘯𝘵-

and this is sadly the point that so many miss.

27/08/2024

I’m not supposed to be here.

How long I have felt that way. How agonizing the days have been when year after year, I have laid my head at night in complete dissatisfaction. Knowing something is not right.

Knowing deep deep down, I’m so far lost. But to admit that is to submit to a level of grief I don’t think I could swim myself out of.

The only moment that was safe to finally admit it, was the moment the way out of it showed up at my door.

Deep breaths.

You’re here now- and all the questions as to why I had to go through everything I went through begin to unfold. It started at the speed of sound and as the hours passed by, the clarity escalated to the speed of light until a climactic moment of tremendous release, and within one bolted flash…

every single step of my journey makes sense.

I see it.

Like the two-step lock, I found the second key. And everything falls into place.

Had I known what I was doing it all for, what the initiation was all about… perhaps I could have laid my head easier.

The clarity now feels like the greatest high. Like the mountain peak has been scaled, and I look out from this new perspective to finally see what it was I was climbing all of this time.

Now I get to accept how misled I truly was, how deeply I fooled myself, and how tragic the years before now had been on my feminine spirit.

Let the swimming begin.

Grief.

How do I mourn and celebrate at the same time?

It’s over. I know I can let go, bring her back. It’s safe now to come out and play.

I am sad and I am seeing front row and center a layer of darkness and demons like never before.

They are gripping at me again, they are confusing me deeply.

They want me to doubt all the clarity I have found because they know that they’ve lost, and it’s over.

I forgive myself for not getting here sooner.

I commit to letting myself die completely in order to let this new woman step in.
I grieve I grieve I grieve. And I will swim through the pain, I promise.

We fought so hard and did so much.

Now I see both sides, for I have lived in the depths of the cave… and my spirit has suffered.

I have the scars. I always will. But I will never again take for granted…

the light.

✨

23/08/2024

Dear God,

help me trust that there’s a plan far beyond what I can see through my fears and illusions.

This was from a card read to me multiple times by an energy healer I was working with a few years back. I was going through a hard time, living in Orlando and not adjusting to the city well, and beginning to admit to myself how “off” my life really was.

Like any good modern day spiritual woman, she had a deck of cards. She’d pull one for me once in awhile for guidance.

This one came up not once, but twice in our sessions.

I hung onto it for some reason. I had been spoiled for so long and was so used to being a brat, getting what I wanted, soothing the pain... etc. that around this time a few years back now when things started to shift for me, I was feeling in crisis.

I felt in control for so long and now, I was losing it.

so what IS the plan then, God?

What are you doing with me here.

I feel like I’m ready...

I was not.

I took the photo of the card she sent to me and I kept it as the screensaver on the back of my iPhone for over a year.

All the decisions I’ve made since then have taken far longer than I could have imagined.

”I’m gonna take a break from podcasts for a few mos” = turns into 2 years.

”I’m gonna downsize business for a few mos” = turns into 2 years.

“I’m going to be single for awhile” = single now, almost 2 years.

”I’m going to quit smoking cannabis for a month” = now almost 3 years.

My did I have a lot to unpack. I have been throwing my energy in all directions and trying desperately to find my place in the world. And while the journey of aimlessly wandering felt in vain at times... I realize now what it was all for.

It’s been almost 3 years since she sent me that card.

I came across it again recently, and I smiled.

I get it now.

There was a plan.

Had it not been for the years of confusion and aimless wandering, the clarity I have now would not be the same.

I just know.

And I am in awe of God’s creation.

I am sorry I ever doubted you, and thank you for arriving me here safely. Turns out you always had me, and the plan.

Far, far beyond what I could see...

through my fears and illusions. ✨

19/08/2024

𝗡𝗢𝗧 𝘁𝗿𝗮𝗰𝗸𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗺𝘆 𝗳𝗶𝗻𝗮𝗻𝗰𝗲𝘀.

This is by far the biggest regret I have so far in business.

Had I known how much harder it would be later on to do damage control and clean up the mess I had made, I would have made better decisions from the start.

Changing my lifestyle and realizing I had to fire employees, habits, items... etc.

It was as if I couldn't do it fast enough to keep up with the revenue tanking.

Ultimately it was my choice to shut down the business, I didn't have to, but I see why my higher self did it. There'd be no point to continue scaling and growing on the energy it was built upon. Not just because it was vain, immature, and just... a covering up of my true desires and issues that needed to be worked on.

But because, I never learned to manage all the money I was making. & so, making even more wasn't gonna help anything.

It sucks to look back and see where I could have allocated things differently to be in a better position today, and scaling everything back / getting lean forced me to finally learn financial literacy.

Ultimately - there's nothing you can do but learn as you go as an entrepreneur and forgive yourself for the ways in which you were foolish.

If you'd like to hear more about mine, watch my new YouTube video --> "Top 3 Mistakes I Made in My Business" link in the comments. ↓

15/08/2024

I don’t recognize myself anymore.

Coming back from Key West I had one prayer:

𝙂𝙤𝙙, 𝙥𝙡𝙚𝙖𝙨𝙚 𝙡𝙚𝙩 𝙢𝙚 𝙨𝙪𝙨𝙩𝙖𝙞𝙣 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙩𝙧𝙖𝙣𝙨𝙛𝙤𝙧𝙢𝙖𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣 𝙄 𝙛𝙤𝙪𝙣𝙙 𝙝𝙚𝙧𝙚. 𝘿𝙤𝙣’𝙩 𝙡𝙚𝙩 𝙢𝙚 𝙛𝙖𝙡𝙡 𝙗𝙖𝙘𝙠 𝙞𝙣𝙩𝙤 𝙢𝙮 𝙤𝙡𝙙 𝙬𝙖𝙮𝙨, 𝙗𝙖𝙘𝙠 𝙞𝙣 𝙢𝙮 𝙤𝙡𝙙 𝙘𝙞𝙩𝙮.

Little did I know, not only have I maintained...

but the healing has deepened.

My quantum leap has brought new people and experiences into my field I am at a complete loss of words to even articulate. News so exciting like nothing I have ever encountered, yet the desire to share this experience with anyone... gone.

Like, it would only dilute the experience.

No amount of sharing or words can pay homage to the work God is doing right now.

All that drove me is dwindling. Without the underlying motivation to prove, I’m not sure what I’m even supposed to do with my time anymore.

It’s like purgatory.

I’m waiting.

No longer who I was, not yet who I’m meant to be, though I know she is coming.

Building a brand - what a beautiful privilege. It became my livelihood, and an avenue to so much abundance. to personal growth. financial success. travel.

But it also became an external energy source I depended on for validation.

God is showing me where he wants me to direct my energy next and I am in complete disbelief to where he’s taking me.

In even deeper awe and wonder, at how much I actually like it.

The old me could never, she wouldn’t dare.

Now I see clearly how all the past relationships, the hurt & the pain, were merely an initiation and curriculum needed... for this.

The relief I feel for how it all finally makes sense.

The gratitude I feel for deriving pleasure per this new role I’m appointed.

The grief I also bathe in... as I lay down over and over my previous self, and recognize how long she did fight. How hard it really truly has been...

to let go.

I see where you’re taking me God and I trust it. I could never have chose it for myself... but hey,

I suppose that’s the point.

My faith is everything now.

If this is what you want for me, this is what I want. I am finally learning how serving you is not a 𝘵𝘢𝘴𝘬...

but the greatest bliss I’ve known so far.

16/07/2024

Yesterday morning I went to grab coffee - met a group of young men,

and ended up here. 👇🏻

MY FIRST SCUBA DIVING EXPERIENCE! 🤩

It was so fun.

It all started when I saw the boys in line in front of me at the cafe picking on their friend for ordering not one, but 𝘵𝘸𝘰 breakfast sandwiches. (my kinda guy!)

"𝘏𝘦𝘺! 𝘋𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘭𝘦𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮 𝘣𝘶𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘺𝘰𝘶." I told him. "𝘐𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘵𝘸𝘰 𝘴𝘢𝘯𝘥𝘸𝘪𝘤𝘩𝘦𝘴, 𝘰𝘳𝘥𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘸𝘰 𝘴𝘢𝘯𝘥𝘸𝘪𝘤𝘩𝘦𝘴!"

"𝘙𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵!?" he replied, and soon we all struck up a conversation.

Before I knew it, they were inviting me out on their boat.

Needless to say, I cancelled all my calls!

Not only was this the most hilarious adventure I've had so far during all my time in the Keys... but it's a good lesson to not overplan / attempt to control the events of each day. Sometimes the most exciting moment in life is presented unexpectedly, right in front of us, and as the famous Ferris Bueller once said...

"𝐈𝐟 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐝𝐨𝐧'𝐭 𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐩 𝐭𝐨 𝐥𝐨𝐨𝐤 𝐚𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐝 𝐨𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐢𝐧 𝐚𝐰𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐞, 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐦𝐢𝐬𝐬 𝐢𝐭!"

What a treat. ☺️

Big hugs and thanks to Ryan, Colton, and Peyton - my new friends for granting me this amazing experience.

The next time I run into these boys, the Lobster is on me!

12/07/2024

Am I a narcissist?

I have been insanely self-obsessed, and that's embarrassing to admit.

People shame people for being narcissistic, but shame is what got them that way in the first place.

I couldn't just be myself.

I had to develop this hyper attunement to the world around me, filter everything I was gonna do/say through the lens of how people would perceive it. It stuck with me all of these years but lately I've become so conscious of the voice it's agonizing. God is telling me it's time to let this armor go. Then again - I run a blog and that's challenging.

Blogging is filtration, no matter how you dice it.

Walking in Faith is listening to God and being able to distinguish His voice vs. your own wants and needs.

Do I want to come on here and admit some of the self-obsessive behaviors I've had that are frankly just, weird?

No.

His will, and I have to trust.

It helps me to process, and it will help to dissipate this stigma we have around narcissism in our culture. It's become quite a buzzword, but the actual disorder of NPD? Pretty rare.

But I am narcissistic. Histrionic, or whatever item on the Cluster-B menu comes out in my ways of being like a soup of the day.

The deeper issue we have to look at is why people are SO insanely SELF-CONSCIOUS they live through this lens of imaging themselves through the lens of others. Rather than just being in the moment, and living.

It's exhausting, but it's how I developed.

I am remembering more and coming to terms with how much the bullying really did destroy me. I find myself apologizing to my little girl over and over that she went through that, for years, with no one to defend her.

It's frustrating to say the least to digest this scripted voice & filtration system in my brain because it ROBBED ME of being the true me all of these years. Whose potential I'm now seeing is way greater.

I have to rely on God as I embark on this journey, because these neuropathways of controlling my image in the eyes of others are so, so deeply rooted and will not go down without a fight.

But they aren't serving me anymore, either.

It's just me and you God, and I trust where you're taking me.

Let's go.

07/07/2024

After a night of no sleep, I ended up here.

I cried, I jumped, I laughed. I swam by myself and practiced my handstands.

I surrendered to my insomnia and took the journey to go give myself another baptism, and practice presence with the ocean.

You know, LET GO of the orchestra always live in my mind. The planning, the worrying & future-casting. 𝘏𝘰𝘸 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘐 𝘣𝘦 𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘤𝘦𝘪𝘷𝘦𝘥?

Narcissistic behavior is rooted in a lack of safety. The level of shame I received as a young child when I in fact ALREADY WAS 𝗽𝘂𝗿𝗲 & 𝗮𝘂𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗻𝘁𝗶𝗰, broke me.

I had to adapt. Lately I’ve had memories come back of being a child, listening to my mom & big sisters, how they talked, what they said, and I made a plan to come out in the room sounding the same.

Hence, my “planning what I’m gonna say” voice was born.

Hence, my splitting and the process of me forgetting what’s truly 100% authentically me, began.

It’s ironic you know,

they shame you so bad you have to split into narcissism, then later they shame you for being narcissistic.

Ha.

My perspectives are evolving at lightning speed, and the downloads about what I went through are flooding like water.

The level of presence I reached on this beach today allowed me to recall another memory of a time we were all kids, swimming at a beach similar to this. I remember the rope & the buoys looking the same. I remember my sisters and I doing handstands in the water while my parents sat nearby outside our RV.

It felt familiar. Only this time -

the family is 𝗴𝗼𝗻𝗲.

& on this beach this morning...

there was just 𝗺𝗲.

Suddenly I burst into tears.

I am sad about the way things turned out with my family. We may never all be together again and what’s worse, how badly I blamed myself for the divorce and fragmentation. & this has been a great place to re-parent that part of myself.

Thank you, Bahia Honda, for what can only be described as a walk through another doorway this morning that leads one step closer back to my true self.

Feels good to be in touch with her enough to cry.

Feels good to be 𝘴𝘢𝘥 and still 𝘧𝘢𝘪𝘵𝘩𝘧𝘶𝘭. Knowing Jesus has got me...

and I’m gonna be fine.

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Videos

Surprising my sister for her bday!

I flew to Wisconsin to surprise my sister for her birthday She had no idea! 🤣 It all started when I went to the gym but they were closed due to the Hurricane (come on Miami, it wasn't even hitting us...) but anyway, thank goodness for that because on my way home I just realized, why not find a flight and jet up to MKE for a few days? I miss the seeing the beautiful fall leaves change in October this time of year and not to mention- I miss my sister. my fellow Libra babe I hadn't seen in over a year. I knew it'd be hilarious to just show up at her house. I love this girl to the moon & back. She is the most compassionate, sweet, empathetic and kind person I know. I can always call her and she picks up. She's always putting others before herself. She's a nanny, a caretaker, and an all around good human being. She's also a dog momma to THREE pitbulls... so you don't want to mess with this woman! 😆 Happy 34th Birthday Molly. I love you. 🎈 #Libra #sisters #libraseason #milwaukee

My review of 𝙏𝙝𝙚 𝙂𝙧𝙚𝙚𝙣𝙗𝙧𝙞𝙚𝙧 Hotel in West Virginia... Top 5 stays EVER! Here's why 👇🏻 • Rich history • Colorful rooms • Endless activities • Not one but TWO pools! Not to mention this time of year when some of the leaves are JUST beginning to turn was so magical. It was a nice break from the HOT HOT summer of Miami which I forget... gets very old. Refreshing to experience some "normal" heat for a change. I also played Golf for the first time and wasn't as terrible as I thought (𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘱𝘳𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘺 𝘣𝘢𝘥). What stood out to me more was the psychology of the sport. Like, the longer you're on the green with people the more they start opening up to you. Interesting... A dream for a deep woman like me who has no interest in small talk. Perhaps I should take it up. 😉 Thank you Greenbrier, WV for this enchanting experience. ✨ #Shayshine ☀️ #Travel #fun #hotels #hotellife #influencer #golfing #experience #memories #realestate

And few will ever know the pain I had to endure to get here. I don't want them to. It's not needed. For suddenly everything in my life makes sense. For suddenly I see the power of God, something I always believed in, always had faith in, but never truly experienced the magic until now. To resolve so much past hurt finally. To see why it all had to go down, just the way that it did. I cry so deeply. I could never have known. Could never have seen what it was all for. I have reached a level of maturity in my spiritual evolution to bask in the role appointed for me, by God. It is not of my choosing. This energy is completely brand new. The grips the devil had on me are obvious now. It's apparent the spells I was under. I didn't see it. I will walk with you now, straight into the light. I will not cast off or dishonor the darkness. For the darkness was needed, the initiation was necessary. The pain and the battles I fought, alone, in agony... for years... all divine. This I honor, my journey. This I cherish, my faith. #God #Faith #Jesus

Top 3 Mistakes I made in Business

𝗡𝗢𝗧 𝘁𝗿𝗮𝗰𝗸𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗺𝘆 𝗳𝗶𝗻𝗮𝗻𝗰𝗲𝘀. This is by far the biggest regret I have so far in business. Had I known how much harder it would be later on to do damage control and clean up the mess I had made, I would have made better decisions from the start. Changing my lifestyle and realizing I had to fire employees, habits, items... etc. It was as if I couldn't do it fast enough to keep up with the revenue tanking. Ultimately it was my choice to shut down the business, I didn't have to, but I see why my higher self did it. There'd be no point to continue scaling and growing on the energy it was built upon. Not just because it was vain, immature, and just... a covering up of my true desires and issues that needed to be worked on. But because, I never learned to manage all the money I was making. & so, making even more wasn't gonna help anything. It sucks to look back and see where I could have allocated things differently to be in a better position today, and scaling everything back / getting lean forced me to finally learn financial literacy. Ultimately - there's nothing you can do but learn as you go as an entrepreneur and forgive yourself for the ways in which you were foolish. If you'd like to hear more about mine, watch my new YouTube video --> "Top 3 Mistakes I Made in My Business" link in the comments. ↓ #Finance #entrepreneurship #Taxes

Ormand Boys Day

Yesterday morning I went to grab coffee - met a group of young men, and ended up here. 👇🏻 MY FIRST SCUBA DIVING EXPERIENCE! 🤩 It was so fun. It all started when I saw the boys in line in front of me at the cafe picking on their friend for ordering not one, but 𝘵𝘸𝘰 breakfast sandwiches. (my kinda guy!) "𝘏𝘦𝘺! 𝘋𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘭𝘦𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮 𝘣𝘶𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘺𝘰𝘶." I told him. "𝘐𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘵𝘸𝘰 𝘴𝘢𝘯𝘥𝘸𝘪𝘤𝘩𝘦𝘴, 𝘰𝘳𝘥𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘸𝘰 𝘴𝘢𝘯𝘥𝘸𝘪𝘤𝘩𝘦𝘴!" "𝘙𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵!?" he replied, and soon we all struck up a conversation. Before I knew it, they were inviting me out on their boat. Needless to say, I cancelled all my calls! Not only was this the most hilarious adventure I've had so far during all my time in the Keys... but it's a good lesson to not overplan / attempt to control the events of each day. Sometimes the most exciting moment in life is presented unexpectedly, right in front of us, and as the famous Ferris Bueller once said... "𝐈𝐟 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐝𝐨𝐧'𝐭 𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐩 𝐭𝐨 𝐥𝐨𝐨𝐤 𝐚𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐝 𝐨𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐢𝐧 𝐚𝐰𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐞, 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐦𝐢𝐬𝐬 𝐢𝐭!" What a treat. ☺️ Big hugs and thanks to Ryan, Colton, and Peyton - my new friends for granting me this amazing experience. The next time I run into these boys, the Lobster is on me! #KeyWest #Scubadiving #ormondbeach

I been careful my whole life to not get physically addicted to anything. Until 𝙏𝙃𝙄𝙎 substance entered my life ↓😬 𝐊𝐑𝐀𝐓𝐎𝐌 🤯 My oh my what a drug, and do I have lots to say about it in this week's YouTube video. Tune in if you'd like to learn more about: ▪️ What is Kratom? ▪️ The Kava Bar Community ▪️ My personal journey with this tea ▪️ How I kicked it, and if I'd ever do it again Controversial medicine, and ultimately the choice is yours. To some it's a lifesaver, to others the detox was likened to that of 𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘰𝘪𝘯. Which is insane... Go watch my new video, and decide for yourself. Now live on my YouTube: https://rb.gy/3ogif #Kratom #Kava #Addiction

Am I a narcissist?

Am I a narcissist? I have been insanely self-obsessed, and that's embarrassing to admit. People shame people for being narcissistic, but shame is what got them that way in the first place. I couldn't just be myself. I had to develop this hyper attunement to the world around me, filter everything I was gonna do/say through the lens of how people would perceive it. It stuck with me all of these years but lately I've become so conscious of the voice it's agonizing. God is telling me it's time to let this armor go. Then again - I run a blog and that's challenging. Blogging is filtration, no matter how you dice it. Walking in Faith is listening to God and being able to distinguish His voice vs. your own wants and needs. Do I want to come on here and admit some of the self-obsessive behaviors I've had that are frankly just, weird? No. His will, and I have to trust. It helps me to process, and it will help to dissipate this stigma we have around narcissism in our culture. It's become quite a buzzword, but the actual disorder of NPD? Pretty rare. But I am narcissistic. Histrionic, or whatever item on the Cluster-B menu comes out in my ways of being like a soup of the day. The deeper issue we have to look at is why people are SO insanely SELF-CONSCIOUS they live through this lens of imaging themselves through the lens of others. Rather than just being in the moment, and living. It's exhausting, but it's how I developed. I am remembering more and coming to terms with how much the bullying really did destroy me. I find myself apologizing to my little girl over and over that she went through that, for years, with no one to defend her. It's frustrating to say the least to digest this scripted voice & filtration system in my brain because it ROBBED ME of being the true me all of these years. Whose potential I'm now seeing is way greater. I have to rely on God as I embark on this journey, because these neuropathways of controlling my image in the eyes of others a

July 21st will be one year without alcohol! -𝙃𝙤𝙬𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧- I did accidentally get addicted to Kratom... whoops. 😬 Tune into this week's YouTube video to learn about this sneaky, albeit FUN and popular new medicine that has everyone from ex-heroin addicts, to recovered alcoholics, to police & professionals stopping into the KAVA BAR scene to pick up this tea. Is it really so bad? 🤔 In the video today I cover: ▪️ What is Kratom vs. Kava and the difference ▪️ Why I quit drinking / how I got into Kratom ▪️ How it unexpectedly affected me greatly ▪️The link between Kratom and Heroin 💉 I'm almost 6 weeks no Kratom now down in Key West... very interesting experience and most hilarious story if I do say so myself. No regrets. Catch the full story, now live on my YouTube: https://rb.gy/3ogif #Kratom #Kava #Addiction

Quitting weed - it’s taken years to see the benefits. Something I intuitively knew I needed to do. Little did I know it would take many years to finally get to the root of a lot of my traumas. Unfortunately a lot of “healing” communities only re-traumatize vulnerable people as they’re in a very susceptible state, and that was 100% me. It has actually taken so long to come to terms with and even admit this, due to the very dogma instilled in me. For fear of being shamed for my process. It kept me frozen from actual, authentic healing. In yesterday’s article, I break down what happened. (post in my story) In today’s video, I share another lesson for addicts and anyone stuck: 𝗶𝘁 𝘁𝗮𝗸𝗲𝘀 𝙩𝙞𝙢𝙚. Radical patience is the key. I’ve thankfully only had to realize and learn this as I go, because had I knew from the start it would all take this long... I honestly may have stayed in my comfort zone. But I knew energetically something was “off” with the way I was making money. I first started to take action in changing / shutting down my business 3 years ago, slowly. Then accelerated it over the past 18 months. Boy am I finally getting some answers. If you’re an addict and you quit, know I’m 2.5 years in and really just now experiencing the benefits. Both of quitting smoking, but also of tearing apart my business from the inside out, when it was actually 𝘮𝘢𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘮𝘦 𝘮𝘰𝘯𝘦𝘺! lol I know, call me crazy. And a lot of my fellow digital marketing friends did, but I just knew something was off in my business. Thankfully due to my sobriety, celibacy, isolation and deep internal work, I have had enough cleansing and clarity to figure it out. The grief I feel for myself for what happened during my time in the spiritual community, sucks. But it’s also showed me that no healer was ever gonna get to the root of these very unique and personal complexities... it had to be me. And all of thi

I'd sooner find myself a forever-cat-lady before ever again being with a man like 𝙏𝙃𝙄𝙎! ↓🤮 👎 Before I understood the dynamics of polarity and masc/fem energy, I was in relationships where I took on the masculine role and Gosh... no wonder I was miserable. Lots of women will subconsciously choose feminine men as partners because: 𝗧𝗛𝗘𝗬'𝗥𝗘 𝗘𝗔𝗦𝗜𝗘𝗥 𝗧𝗢 𝗖𝗢𝗡𝗧𝗥𝗢𝗟. I know I did. I had to get honest with myself why I was attracting guys less successful than me, and who looked up to me as the provider/protector. It was really a deep insecurity I HAD about being with a masculine guy! Masculine men are less predictable. They have a mission that will often times get put before the relationship... but as long as you share the same core values and it's a mission you too believe in & can get behind, that's okay! Women blossom in the healthy containment of a man and can better care for themselves, their children, and their own business/personal endeavors when they have this support. It pained me listening to this video. So much pain from my past. I don't miss it, not one bit. I am feminine, and free. I'm gonna find a man who keeps it that way, and actually? Who helps me feel safe to step into that even more actually. The deeper issue here is not that her partner is ""insecure"" - even the most masculine of men will have insecurities, that's not the problem. The problem is that HE is the 𝘧𝘦𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘦 and SHE is the 𝘮𝘢𝘴𝘤𝘶𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘦. This is simply out of alignment with the natural order of things, and will eventually make any woman crazy. Period. #consciousrelationships #masculineenergy #feminineenergy #polarity

Moving to Key West

Well, it's official. I got denied. I spent 3+ months and went through 3 different lenders, so f*cking sure this house was mine. How confusing. I'm normally SO GOOD at manifesting what I want. It's normally SO CLEAR when something is for me. A few months ago when I saw the house... I just knew it was mine. The realtor even said my offer was too low, I'd never get it. There were others over asking and I just thought he was bluffing. I had no fear of my under-asking offer, because 𝘐 𝘬𝘯𝘦𝘸 𝘪𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘦. Sure enough, they picked me. Though I did find out from the neighbor, they did have offers over mine! Why me? He said they cared more about having a good girl move into the neighborhood. Amazing! I prayed with my friends for this house. I beat out investors, retired couples, and people offering more for this house. I pictured myself in that house and was already mapping out my new life inside those 4 walls. It was a done deal, then- I f*cked up with my taxes. Long story short, I blew up the deal. I sat in confusion... 𝘯𝘰 𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘴𝘦? 𝘉𝘶𝘵... 𝘣𝘶𝘵... 𝘪𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝙢𝙞𝙣𝙚! 𝘐 𝘥𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘨𝘦𝘵 𝘪𝘵. Realtor calls, another lender. He can get it. Next - 😒 now a third one, this one is SURE he can get it in time because I HAD to be out of my lease! Nope, denied a third time. Just days before having to leave. Seriously what a meltdown, and you can see it on my face in this video. All that work, all that collaboration, 3 months of effort, only to get denied a 3rd time. And now, with no place to live. I came to the Keys still hoping I could close while down here, I officially got the news that nothing can be done last Wednesday. It's okay - I'm already over the hump and my only prayer now is, "𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘬 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘎𝘰𝘥 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘵𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘮𝘦 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘣𝘶𝘺𝘪𝘯𝘨

𝘾𝙤𝙣𝙫𝙚𝙧𝙨𝙞𝙤𝙣 𝙏𝙝𝙚𝙧𝙖𝙥𝙮 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝙜𝙖𝙮 𝙥𝙚𝙤𝙥𝙡𝙚 - clearly unsuccessful. But here's a story about how 2 men DID turn straight ↓ Tantra is a practice of getting in touch with your body, practicing presence to such a profound degree, you can feel and release traumas and blockages that have been stuck for years. I heard this story once about a gay couple that attended a 10 day immersive retreat, and when they came out of it they both realized they were actually straight. The first thing I thought of was the dreaded "conversion therapy" that so many religions have unsuccessfully attempted, ha. But in this case, it worked? Let me know your thoughts in the comments. #Tantra #Spirituality #Healing #conversiontherapy

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