09/12/2023
I'm drunk so here's a vent...
It's hard when people you love pass. Nobody talks about helping the people you love through that passing. I've been through it... all four of my grandparents are gone, my dad died, my ex's father, great grandma, and his Papa passed (all impacted me because they're the only family I had) and it all effects me. I *had* to "be strong" through all of these... for other people. Nobody cared that part of my soul died with them. I cried for 5-15min and then put on my brave face and pushed through because *someone* had to be strong and it fell on me. Every time. I'm okay with this. I can help people grieve and get through. This time I feel useless... like I did before. I can't help. I can't take the pain from him. All I can do is be here. I hate that I can't take away his pain. I hate that I can't help. I hate that the universe/Gods take what/who they need on their time. It sucks. It sucks so bad. And it hurts. Gods, does it hurt. But I'm still here. I'm still happy to hold him. I'm happy to be here for him. I'm happy I understand what different kinds of loss feel like so I can help those I love through it too. It's hard, it hurts, it never fu***ng stops hurting, but we're all here. We're still fighting. We're still helping others through this mess. We're strong. We can do this even though it fu***ng hurts.