Newport News Port

27/03/2024

We've had loose c***s before in town, but this is on a whole new level.

15/03/2024

Uncle Frank reckons he loves Newport at this time of the evening, when it sounds like he's holidaying on the outskirts of Magaluf in July, and now hopefully the chav with the popping exhaust will give it large up Newport High Street to drown out the beat of David Guetta.

I'm guessing he was being sarcastic, but he was slurring his words a bit. I think he's had too much Madri today whilst watching the Gold Cup today in Ozzys to be honest, because he's normally quite harsh when it comes to antisocial noise past 5pm.

He also reckons he can "still smell that sensi when I walk past that Bell-Ends Yard to Betfreds". His words, not ours.

21/12/2023

Remembering The Trousersnakes, Newport's one hit wonders from 1984.

Comedy singing trio, The Trousersnakes, scored a number one pop hit in September, 1984 with their song, Legs-a-Kimbo Jockey Lad.

After 22680 complaints, BBC Radio 1 then refused to play the song, because of the adult themed innuendos that some found offensive, which included the lyrics, "don't bend over at the bar, cus' the glass collector may tickle your fancy from behind and blame the bloke next to you when you complain."

The Trousersnakes went on to release two albums, The Binmen Need To Put Your Bin Back Exactly Where They Got It From, and the Best of the Trousersnakes - which included their number one hit, along with other popular songs, such as Flatulent Tony's At It Again the Dirty Bas***d and
We'll Chase the Irish Outta Town.

The trio went their separate ways in 1990, with one of the men making it to Bully's Prize Board on Bullseye a year later.

02/12/2023

23/11/2023

Thursday evening's posing question.

A: Should Students be allowed to live in houses and have cars to drive around in, in Newport?

B: Or should they live in a type of fenced-off camp with guard houses, on a large field in Edgmond and have Penny Farthings to ride around on?

Leave your answer in the comments to win a can of Carling that Uncle Frank found on Vicky Park. The winner will be picked at random and must be over 18 due to alcohol laws.

07/11/2023

This photo is from Newport in 1951.

It is taken from somewhere on Upper Bar and shows a local man by the name of Terry Funk, who used to be the "human taxi of Newport."

Terry would ferry drunkards back to thier dwellings from 10am onwards, charging half a shilling or a potato for his services.

Terry retired in 1974 to go and live in Abergavenny, with his 4th wife Phyllis.

28/09/2023

Here's a Wednesday poem, sent in by Barbara Q**m aged 87 of Wellington Road, Newport.

Drains.

The lad's that pull up drains, have they got brains? They probably have when they're learning to fix tractors and grow potatoes.

Their actions could be in vain, when pulling up drains and they could even ruin their boat shoes.

So, don't pull up drains, because in the main, you put yourself to shame, being such a pain and you could even ruin your boat shoes.

And don't be sick on the pavement either.

13/09/2023

We love the sound of Brands Hatch at bedtime.

11/09/2023

Newport News Port presents...

Uncle Frank investigates things.

Hard-hitting journalism on par with the Shropshire Star.

Uncle Frank and his mate Barry the taxidermist were walking home from Ozzys last night and heard the screeching of tyres and the popping sound of some k***s' modified car exhaust.

After using his "contacts" Frank has tracked down a lad who was involved in Sunday night sounding like some t**t driving like a moron to impress other morons driving like a t**t.

Alvin (not his real name) met Frank at a disclosed location (The Beefeater). Alvin admitted that he likes to use the A41 as a racing track to compensate for the fact he can't attract a girlfriend, even after driving down the High Street at an atrocious speed on a Saturday night with fit birds walking to Mainers and buying everyone Jager bombs in the Phez.

Alvin hoped that wheel spinning around the Forton Island will attract a girlfriend, like a rubbery mechanical mating call, but , so far, sadly for Alvin, not one single lady has turned up.

Alvin told Frank that he's not sorry either for keeping hard working people up late on Sunday evening, when they're already depressed enough with the thought of going to work the next day, and after binge drinking heavily all weekend, as he doesn't start his own job packing cashew nuts in Hortonwood till 2pm the next day and can afford to be out till midnight.

Next time on Uncle Frank investigates things - how many pizza vendors are too many for Newport High Street.

09/09/2023

Dreams can come true
Look at me babe, I'm with you
You know you gotta have hope
You know you gotta be strong

25/07/2023

Uncle Frank's neighbour, Rupert, has lost his dentures somewhere between Mainers and Ozzys in the early hours of this morning.

Small reward for safe return, (50p) non negotiable. He's checked Waitrose, but they haven't been handed in.

16/06/2023

Yes or no question.

Do you have trouble doing a number 2 in Newport when you're out in town and can't make it back home between the hours of 8.45am and 16.56 pm?

05/06/2023

Loose c**k alert.

23/05/2023

A huge party to celebrate Station Road being closed for roadworks again is happening now. Bring your own alcoholic drinks/pop and kebabs. DJ from 8pm till 11pm playing hard house and techno. Casual dress, no boat shoes allowed though.

16/05/2023

Uncle Frank found this old photo taken in one of the pubs in town in the 1960s. Any idea where and who these gentlemen could be?

06/05/2023

06/05/2023

God save the King brunch. Fingers to scale.

04/04/2023

The closure of Newport Hight Street has been confirmed for the Station Road renaming ceremony next Wednesday.

Station Road will now be called Roadworks Road, in memory of the previous six and a half years of on and off roadworks, temporary traffic lights and workmen with stop and go signs.

Plans for The Sheep Island to be called Chaos Rounabout at Peak Traffic Times has not been approved and will remain the same.

11/02/2023

For your chance to win nothing, what is the total IQ level of all the Brit award winners that spoke in acceptance speeches tonight?

02/02/2023

Uncle Frank has been caught asking the Alexa device where the nearest brothel is, and he coughed his Lemsip out when he heard the answer.

He's had 8 pints of Madri to drink this afternoon in Bod, but he's adamant when Aunty Daisy collared him doing it, one eyed Nige who goes in Betfred told him to do for a bet.

Whoever you believe, I hope Alexa has misheard him, as Mother and I wouldn't welcome anything dirty around town and the local surrounding area.

21/01/2023

A lovely old painting of Newport from the 1700s.

06/01/2023

Page 187, I kid you not.

02/01/2023

Taken by a Mickey and posted on another local social media page.

Not a nice start to 2023 for the fence owner.

Two questions about the picture. How and why?

10/11/2022

Uncle Frank's posing Thursday question.

Should every resident in Newport and the surrounding area have road signs classes? Or at lease a leaflet or pamphlet through your door explaining road signs?

08/11/2022

Some weirdo has left some old rags, a pair of workman's gloves and what can only be described as some sort of cat toy on Auntie Barbara's garage roof. 101 informed.

04/11/2022

Newport News Port town notice.

The mad traffic queues in town is not because Jasper's is reopening. Its because of fireworks.

Thank you.

20/10/2022

Is this a Newport time traveller?

Uncle Frank was going through some old photos of Newport which were taken around the turn of 1900s and came across this.

The man to the right of the picture seems to be wearing a modern day Burtons suit and shoes from Asda.

What do you think?