The Clyper

07/08/2023

Politically incorrect...or truthful?
Judge for yourself.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0CDWVBDJZ/ref=sr_1_1?crid=20DU4C6ZNQKN9&keywords=fat+kid+in+a+tent&qid=1691416532&s=digital-text&sprefix=%2Cdigital-text%2C79&sr=1-1

28/04/2022

HIDDEN WORD COMPETITION
With the Melba party miles ahead in the Scottish council election polls it has been decided that we should send one of our senior politicians to the London area to offer a little much needed advice in their own elections. This is Dugald Dhu, Donald’s twin brother. As you will see, Dugald is sporting a rather natty T shirt. Can anyone guess the hidden word? The competition is open to women between the ages of eighteen and twenty-two. The winner gets to spend a night with Dugald. The runner-up gets to spend a week with him.

26/04/2022

BAD HAIR DAY SO DON’T STARE DAY
Unsurprisingly, that colossus amongst politicians, Donald Dhu, received Politician of the Year award at a debauched press bash last night held in a well known distillery. In typically rumbustious form, Donald uncorked a cask of what he took to be a twelve year old. Unfortunately it transpired to be the fifty year old. Donald then proceeded to throat down eighty-seven thousand pounds worth before pronouncing it “no a bad wee dram but he’d have preferred a Tesco’s own blend.” Liver permitting, Donald will be back on the campaign trail tomorrow.

25/04/2022

MELBA PARTY HITS CAMPAIGN TRAIL
The Melba (pronounced Melaba) party today released their manifesto for the forthcoming council elections. Founder and party leader, Donald Dhu, told a throng of journalists that he is “chust grand” following a lengthy spell in re-hab. Smoking a monster spliff Donald announced that, following upon Melba’s spectacular success in recent parliamentary elections, he was certain that candidates were going to get out there and “kick ass” or, if not kicking it, then certainly feeling it.

21/03/2022

FLUFF : It takes a dog to avenge a dog.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Fluff-takes-dog-avenge-ebook/dp/B09VL5MLCD/ref=sr_1_3?crid=1GJNXQCFA6UND&keywords=fluff&qid=1647870401&s=digital-text&sprefix=%2Cdigital-text%2C62&sr=1-3
Lovely message from a friend today. "Thanks Dave for the new book. Just what we need at a time like this. Violence, appalling language, political incorrectness and rough gay s*x. Keep up the good work."

Fluff: It takes a dog to avenge a dog eBook : Weir, David: Amazon.co.uk: Kindle Store

16/03/2022

Now available to download from Amazon.

https://m.media-amazon.com/images/I/91jZEbRTyJL._AC_UY218_.jpg

01/02/2022

AT LAST...
LIES OF WHICH THE PM WOULD BE PROUD...
ALL PROCEEDS TO CANCER CHARITIES...
QUICK, BEFORE THE MET INVESTIGATES.

https://docs.google.com/document/u/0/d/19s8jYH2nUz4ZqNnF9UZac6V7tuO_iVqS/edit

The Covid Courier LLLLLLO The Covid Courier All proceeds to cancer charities VOL 1, NO. 6 ( first 5 were banned) GUARANTEED NON PC A SUBSIDIARY OF CLYPER PRODUCTIONS PRICE: £2 NAE JAB, NAE JOINT The unvaccinated are queuing outside local shops begging those who have b...

27/01/2022

FORGET ABOUT PARTYGATE…
HERE’S THE REAL NEWS…
NOW AVAILABLE…
THE COVID COURIER…
The stories they didn’t want you to hear.
New variant discovered in Helensburgh.
Nuclear sub commandeered as isolation unit.
Unvaccinated banned from shops.
Then deported.
And much, much, more.
All for only £2…
(free for the mean ********.)

Watch this space.

11/05/2021

*OUTSTANDING POLITICIAN AWARD FOR DONALD DHU*
As expected, Donald Dhu, founder and leader of The MELBA PARTY, has won the award for Outstanding Politician following upon his p*erless performance in the recent Scottish parliamentary election.
Modest as always, Donald told a packed hall in Edinburgh, “It comes as no surprise that I have won this. Most of the rest of them were sh*te.”
MELBA, if Mairidh had remembered to lodge our nomination papers we’d have won.

05/05/2021

*NO NEED FOR WORDS*
At the final gathering before the Scottish parliamentary election a vast crowd gathered on a beach on the island of Arsay where a giant screen had been erected on the machair.
Donald Dhu, founder and leader of The MELBA PARTY, gestured towards the stark image.
Grown men wept.
Unless we come to our senses by tomorrow, what you see is what you are likely to get.
MELBA, heed the warning.

04/05/2021

*FAMOUS ARTIST VISUALISES SNP MANIFESTO*
As his gift to one section of the Scottish people, Grandfather of the Nation, Donald Dhu, founder and leader of The MELBA PARTY, has commissioned a world famous artist to visualise the SNP manifesto for the forthcoming parliamentary election.
“Many of the SNP’s supporters appear to have trouble reading the document, so I thought it would be a kind gesture to have someone paint them a picture.”
MELBA, pretty soon we could all be toast.

03/05/2021

30/04/2021

*NEW PET FOR FIRST MINISTER*
Meet wee Patrick, the First Minister’s lapdog.
Well, if the SNP and the Greens drag us down the road that leads to independence it goes to prove that they must be absolutely barking.
MELBA, if we become independent it’ll be a dog’s life.

30/04/2021

*VEHICULAR BAN AT SCOTTISH BORDER*
Top-secret papers regarding the proposed border between Scotland and England have fallen into the hands of The MELBA PARTY. It appears that, in the event of independence, there will be a total ban on all vehicles exiting and entering Scotland.
It further emerges that a FOURTH runway is now proposed for Heathrow, designed solely to accommodate airfreight to and from Scotland.
However, given that all major airlines are likely to have re-located south of the border and further given the continuing decline in Scottish agriculture the prognosis is mass starvation that will, according to one expert, “make the potato famine look like a royal banquet.”
MELBA, with independence you’ll have had your tea.

29/04/2021

*GO HOME AND BEGIN PREPARING FOR CIVIL WAR*
In suitably sombre tones, Donald Dhu, founder and leader of The MELBA PARTY, addressed a capacity audience in Murrayfield stadium. “In the event of independence, father will be set against son and brother against brother. At the very time we should be coming together we shall be driven apart and the last thing many of us shall see are the aspirations we once had for our children, impaled and bleeding on the sword of one woman’s self-seeking glory.”
MELBA, continuing to wield the sword…of honour.

28/04/2021

*GRANDFATHER OF THE NATION*
Her voice quavering with pride and heart-felt emotion, MELBA PARTY spokeswoman, Mairidh MacSkimming, announced to a gathering of the world’s press that MELBA PARTY founder and leader, Donald Dhu, has just been appointed “Grandfather of the Nation.”
Tears streaming down her cheeks, Mairidh said, “It is only fitting that a man of Donald’s standing should be recognised in this way.”
MELBA, on the shoulders of a giant.

26/04/2021

*CREDIT WHERE CREDIT IS DUE*
Speaking at a packed meeting in Campbeltown, The MELBA PARTY founder and party leader, Donald Dhu, told an enthralled audience that, “I really must give credit to the SNP for giving the UK government a lesson on just how marine contracts should be handled. Granted, Westminster made a complete balls of the aircraft carrier fiasco. However, not to be outdone, the SNP have surpassed that shambles by creating an even bigger one of their own, as witnessed by the two massively over-budget and long overdue ferries languishing at Ferguson’s yard in Port Glasgow.”
With tears of mirth running down their cheeks the audience headed home. Scotland may well be holed below the water-line but at least we’ll go down laughing.
MELBA, we’re good. We’re ferry ferry good.

23/04/2021

*BLUE-PRINT REVEALED FOR SNP SOCIAL HOUSING*
With worshippers in Bearsden overflowing from the hall and into the streets, The MELBA PARTY founder and leader, Donald Dhu, showed the audience what social housing under the SNP would look like in the event of independence. “And this is the de-luxe version,“ he told them. “The entry-level accommodation won’t be constructed of such high grade conifer branches.”
MELBA, reminding voters that Barnett’s not a hair-style.

22/04/2021

*SOURCE OF UNLIMITED SNP MONEY DISCOVERED*
In front of a boisterous audience in Auchtermuchty, Mairidh MacSkimming, The MELBA PARTY spokeswoman said, “We have discovered where the SNP administration’s funds come from. Acting on a recommendation from a friend in the Greens, the First Minister recently tried the life-affirming delights of wild widdling. There she was, tartan drawers duly doffed, when she looked up and spotted…a money tree.”
To immortalise this fiscal miracle, Donald Dhu, MELBA PARTY founder and leader, being a poet of some distinction, penned this verse :
“Ms Sturgeon went to take a p*e,
Looked up and lo! a money tree.”
MELBA, unlike some other parties we don’t take the p**s.

21/04/2021

*NOT FORGETTING A FREE DINNER*
Addressing a crush of journalists from around the world, The MELBA PARTY spokeswoman Mairidh MacSkimming told an enthralled audience, “Here at The MELBA PARTY we laugh at our opponents’ cheese-paring offers of free breakfast and lunch for schoolchildren. Under MELBA they’ll be receiving not only breakfast and lunch but a free three course dinner at night, accompanied by a choice of either wine or prosecco.”
MELBA, putting the fizz into your child’s future.

19/04/2021

*SNP AND GREENS OFFER VOTERS REVOLUTIONARY TIME-TRAVEL*
There’s a tardis standing outside the Scottish parliament building at Holyrood. You can’t miss it. It’s painted yellow with a green “go faster” flash on the side. All you need do is to give the SNP and the Greens your vote on May 6th and they’ll guarantee you a ride…all the way back to the thirteenth century. Well, you want freedom, don’t you?
MELBA, looking ahead, not backwards.

19/04/2021

*WE’D HAVE BEEN BANKRUPT BY CHRISTMAS*
As the last notes of a celebratory pibroch faded in a remote glen, Scotland would have been bankrupt had the people voted for independence in the first of the once in a generation referendums. An economy predicated upon the price of a barrel of oil extracted from the North Sea would have sunk beneath those very waves. Before long the guards on the English side of the border at Gretna would have witnessed the sad spectacle of a massive tail-back of economic refugees trachling their way down from the north.
At The MELBA PARTY we ask of the current administration, on what would you base the economy in the event of independence? And behold, the silence was deafening, save for the interminable bumping of the gums.
MELBA, in Barnett we trust.

16/04/2021

*DONALD DHU WAH DIDDY DIDDY DUM DIDDY DO*
Once upon a time a Mann had an Earth Band. Now another man has one too.
Addressing an audience in Ullapool that overflowed into the streets and almost into the harbour, MELBA PARTY founder and leader, Donald Dhu, laid out his vision for the environment.
MELBA PARTY spokeswoman, Mairidh MacSkimming told reporters, “Donald Dhu is the new messiah. Give him time and give him your support and he will heal this wounded planet.”
MELBA, our renewable future.

15/04/2021

*SERIOUSLY?*
So, the SNP are going to increase NHS funding by 20%, the money for which is going to come from the UK government, which just happens to be the very government from which, in the same manifesto, they tell us they are hell-bent on leaving.
The truth, should anyone be interested, is that should they manage to drag us out of the Union, thus forfeiting the funding, the NHS will be a minimum of 20% worse off than it is just now.
MELBA, time to re-arrange your deck-chairs folks, under Captain Sturgeon the SNP Titanic could be due to sail.

15/04/2021

*THE ROAD TO HELL*
We’re all familiar with that old adage about the road to hell being paved with good intentions. Under the SNP and their poodle-party, the Greens, their road is going to be crazy-paved…but not with good intentions. If you give them the opportunity, on May 6th, the road they’ll take you down will lead to yet another attempt at independence. And therein, surely, lies disaster.
MELBA, we’re on the right track.

14/04/2021

*SET YOUR ALARM CLOCKS*
In suitably stentorian tones, The MELBA PARTY founder and leader, Donald Dhu, addressed a packed hall on the island of Bute with the words, “Set your alarms for the sixth of May because, if you don’t wake up, you’ll be too damned late to avert a disaster.”
Many people openly wept as Donald Dhu told them, “The SNP and their lapdogs, the Greens, have one thing and one thing only on their agendas, the ruination of our beautiful country.”
On a wall outside, someone had written, “Donald Dhu is god.”
MELBA, sounding the alarm.