I am going to review your band

16/07/2018

EP: Dog EP
Band: Mans Best Friend

I fu***ng hate dogs. They're a s**t tier animal. Wildly inferior to cats in every single way, but this isn't about dogs.

True story but:

I had this on play for like two minutes before I even realised it was playing. But then I realised what I was actually listening to was my washing machine stuck on spin cycle. I quickly got up and fixed it, only to realise that the music was identical to it.

So anyway, thus concludes the harrowing tale of my washing machine, which is far more interesting than this EP. Cheers.

2 track album

13/07/2018

Artist: Wraith
Song: Artificial Bloom

In all honesty, I'm not a fan of wraiths in just about any game they feature in. As an enemy, they suck to deal with no matter which game you're playing. In Starcraft I'll take good ol' cattlebruisers over wraiths any day. And yeah, yeah, I hear you. They're way more expensive and a good squad balance probably has both, but to that I say f**k off. F**k your wussy wraith augmented battle cruiser fleet. I just want more big f**k off c***s with Yamato cannons. What's the point of having ships in your fleet if you can't melt s**t from ages away.

There isn't one, is the point.

Basically, all I'm saying is that if there's a band called Cattle Bruiser, Battlecruiser, Yamato Cannon, or any other variant of these terms, they're probably better than this band.

Artificial Bloom is the first of four chapters taken from our split release with Adelaide friends, Mauvais, due out late September. LYRICS - I just want to b...

26/07/2017

Band: Wicked Figures
Song: Deafening Silence

The idea behind a deafening silence is that the absence of sound creates an unbearable pressure on the eardrum, which bursts, leaving you deaf.

The idea behind THIS 'Deafening Silence', is that some schmuck yells over an overdone pseudo-emotional chord progression, with tinkly ambient s**t in the background. It's supposed to fool you into thinking you have some real emotional connection to the music, but really, it's more likely that you're emotional because you've eaten too much yoghurt and you're lactose intolerant or some s**t.

Point is, I actually wish I had encountered a real deafening silence prior to having to listen to this. I'd almost welcome permanent deafness if it meant I wouldn't have had to listen to this, although that ends up in a spiral of circular reasoning which I'm far too not high to delve into right now.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/wickedfigures/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/wickedfigures/?hl=en iTunes: https://itunes.apple.com/au/album/deafeni...

26/07/2017

Band: The Attention Seekers
Song: Did What I Had To Do

I mugged someone once. Yeah, it was pretty interesting. Chucked on a balaclava, grabbed a realistic looking pistol replica, and jacked some poor c**t on his way to his shiatsu or some s**t. Homeboy had a suit and tie, and those shoes that you wear when you're trying to convince people that you've had actual s*x with an actual woman and that it actually wasn't missionary in the dark even though it's a technicality because natural moonlight doesn't actually qualify as actual dark, actually.

Anyway, I saw him walking down a quiet alley looking for all intents and purposes like he was off to get his chain je**ed by a professional 'masseuse'. I pulled out my pistol, which was as real as that Rolex that was fooling no-one on his wrist, and jammed it in the small of his back. I told him to keep walking and he handed me precisely $14. That's it.

Fourteen fu***ng dollars.

Not an ATM in sight, sure as s**t not one I was willing to walk to with my balaclava on, brandishing a toy pistol that would have done more damage if I had given him a rudimentary colonic with it.

Anyway, the moral of the story is this:
Sometimes you think you have found a baby from which to take some sweet, sweet candy, but the sweet, sweet candy turns out to be a diaper full of sticky, smelly s**t instead.

"Did What I Had To Do" The ballad of overzealous vengeance and the second single from our debut EP "ITCHY", Enjoy... Download the single - https://theattenti...

27/05/2017

Band: Born of the Stone (can't find page to tag idk)
Song: Little Boy

When I was a little boy, I made many mistakes. I grew up in an Italian family, so bear that in mind over the course of this little anecdote.

Italians, particularly the first generation migrants, are (or were in this case) invariably very fond of gardening. Back in the home country, the ones who grew up in the rural areas got used to having a self-maintained garden, usually with heaps of vegetables and the like to save on costs. My family was no different. My nonno and nonna had a pretty neat little garden with a bunch of vegetables, which, as kids, we would pick when the time came. Unfortunately for me, one of the aforementioned items of produce was chillis. Now, yes, chilli is a fruit. So are you. Shut up.

Anyway, one day, my cousin and I decided it would be a fantastic idea to go and pick these chillis. We had no idea what they were, but they were accessible to us, and we were bored, so that was all relevant criteria fulfilled to our five and six year old selves. Needless to say, we didn't ask the adults. We just said we were going to pick veggies. We didn't specify which ones. And again, technicality, chillis are a fruit.

Point is, we picked these chillis. Holy mother of Dante, did we ever learn very quickly that it was a bad idea. And, see, kids aren't too bright. We started crying, obviously because the chillis were hotter than Dante's mother's crotch inferno, and we naturally reacted to the leaking of saline from eye by applying a makeshift saline removal technique. Manually. With our hands. Which is what manually means.

Basically, we were dumb, and we ended up snotty, snivelling, red faced messes because of the chillis.

I'll now leave you to draw your own parallels between this anecdote and this song. Cheers.

from the album Persona Non Grata (EP)

22/05/2017

Band: S.H.R.I.M.P (the dullards picked a really s**thouse name to try and find and tag so f**k 'em)
Song: Lime Crush

Pretty sure 'garage rock' is just a by-word for 'we couldn't be f**ked sounding good and we need an excuse for that also we literally recorded this in some dickhead's garage so w/e'.

Seriously though, can we talk about just how fu***ng stupid you have to be for calling your band a) a really popular food with thousands of much, much larger pages dedicated to it and b) a really popular food that you've then made even fu***ng stupider by putting periods in between each letter? Very. That's the answer.

Oh, f**k. Very. I should have spoilered it. My bad. Ah well, cat's out of the bag now.

Also, it was brought to my attention today that referring to full stops as 'periods' makes a whole bunch of people irrationally a n g e r y, so, obviously, I'm going to refer to them as periods for the foreseeable future, forthwith.

I'm a big fan of irrational anger. I'm a big fan of tiny crustaceans. Are shrimp even crustaceans?

Yes, is the answer to that.

Oh, f**k. Yes.

I'll see myself out.

from the album Lentil Scars

22/05/2017

Band: Stranger Than Friends
Song: Homebrew

Yes, I too am familiar with the minor pentatonic scale. It's pretty great, isn't it? Five notes. That's all you need to remember.

Five notes.

Five notes to disappoint your peers, your parents, your ancestors.

Five notes to prove that you are exactly as you appear; a novice with a guitar, and without the musical knowledge to be original with it.

Five notes to p**s off a complete stranger (ha ha) on the internet enough to spend literally five minutes slagging you off to a bunch of other strangers on the internet.

Five notes, you fu***ng ingrates.

Here's a tip: there's more than five notes.

That'll be $350. No, I don't accept uncashed centrelink cheques either. Cash or f**k off. Cheers.

22/05/2017

Band: shysters
Song: god, i wish you could have been there (all lowercase because of course it fu***ng is)

Generally speaking, the base aim of music, and being a musician concordantly, is to be good at your instrument. The plan, again, generally speaking, is to practice your instrument, with an aim to improving at it and training your muscle memory to replicate fine motor skills fluently, and consistently.

Unless you're in a band called shysters, evidently.

This song is empirical evidence that, contrary to popular belief, you do not, in fact, have to be actually good, or talented, or indeed musical at all to release something and call it music.

Most people just call it 'fu***ng awful' though.

10 track album

22/05/2017

Band: Scary Beetles
Song: The Death of Mr. Slugs

I refuse to believe that this band only has 1200 likes. To put it in perspective, Metallica has 37 million likes. Justin Bieber has 78 million. Scary Beetles, possibly the most impressive musical export the world has ever seen, have a paltry 1200.

This is what's fu***ng wrong with the music scene. You cretins have the audacity to worship at the shrine of Kendrick Lamar; to boldly tout the merits of Deadmau5; to celebrate the talent of The Weeknd, and yet, here, languishing in the obscurity of a tiny facebook blog, is the ~real~ talent.

Scary Beetles are the real talent.

~THIS~ is real talent.

I fu***ng hate you all. Listen to Scary Beetles.

from the album Road Rage

22/05/2017

Band: Jackson Marshall
Song: From The Dead

Hair loss
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
"Bald" redirects here. For other uses, see Bald (disambiguation).
"Alopecia" redirects here. For the album, see Alopecia (album).

Hair loss, also known as alopecia or baldness, refers to a loss of hair from part of the head or body.[1] Typically at least the head is involved.[2] The severity of hair loss can vary from a small area to the entire body.[3] Typically inflammation or scarring is not present.[2] Hair loss in some people causes psychological distress.[4]

Common types include: male-pattern hair loss, female-pattern hair loss, alopecia areata, and a thinning of hair known as telogen effluvium. The cause of male-pattern hair loss is a combination of genetics and male hormones, the cause of female pattern hair loss is unclear, the cause of alopecia areata is autoimmune, and the cause of telogen effluvium is typically a physically or psychologically stressful event. Telogen effluvium is very common following pregnancy.[2]

Less common causes of hair loss without inflammation or scarring include the pulling out of hair, certain medications including chemotherapy, HIV/AIDS, hypothyroidism, and malnutrition including iron deficiency. Causes of hair loss that occurs with scarring or inflammation include fungal infection, lupus erythematosus, radiation therapy, and sarcoidosis.[2][4] Diagnosis of hair loss is partly based on the areas affected.[2]

Treatment of pattern hair loss may simply involve accepting the condition.[2] Intervention that can be tried include the medications minoxidil or finasteride, and hair transplant surgery.[5][6] Alopecia areata may be treated by steroid injections in the affected area but these need to be frequently repeated to be effective. Hair loss is a common problem. Pattern hair loss by age 50 affects about half of males and a quarter of females. About 2% of people develop alopecia areata at some point in time.[2]

tl;dr listening to this gave me baldness and/or HIV

7 track album

21/05/2017

Band: Avian Terror
Song: idk pick one they're all the same anyway

Sometimes, when you're cooking a one-pot dish, there are certain risks involved. For instance, there's a certain number of things you can add in, and a certain amount of time something can be left on the boil before everything turns into a sloppy, greyish paste that while edible contains no aesthetically pleasing properties and thus would be an unfitting meal unless one were on the brink of starvation.

One thing this fine nation will never be starved of is novelty grind bands. Unfortunately, at this point the scene looks a lot like the overcooked stew described above. This band would be fantastic if it was either the first or last of their kind in history.

The problem with the idea of novelty is that once novelty is widely perpetuated, it loses the very quality that defines it. Then again, the novelty of grind itself is fleeting, so maybe we shouldn't be so harsh? Regardless, an artist is only as useful as their medium and even Da Vinci's novelty would have been lost were the Mona Lisa painted with s**t.

Sydney Grindcore. Rohan - Drums Yashar - Guitar

21/05/2017

Band: Reptilian Civilian
Song: Panspermia

There once was a man who wanted to be the wisest who ever lived, and so he sought the advice of the old hermit upon the mountain. The wizened monk regarded him with pitch-black eyes surrounded by cracks and smiled.

"If you want to be wise, boy," he wheezed, "first you must descend to the bottom of this mountain. fetch me a boulder and roll it up the mountain path to me." Thus, the man did what he was told and retrieved the stone for the hermit. Once more the hermit addressed him. "Now drop it off the side of the mountain, then go fetch it again."

Perplexed, the man did what he was told.

He rolled the boulder up again to the hermit, who instructed him to do the same once again. And again. And again And again. On the hundredth repeat, the man raised the rock instead above his head rather than over the cliff. "IMPART YOUR WISDOM, OLD MAN," he demanded through gritted teeth, "OR I WILL CRUSH YOUR BRITTLE SKULL!"
The old man's lips parted revealing a mostly-missing smile.

"Just because you CAN do something. Doesn't mean you should."

The man caved the hermit's skull in and f**ked the hole. That's kind of what Reptilian Civilian have done here. Still better than Avian Terror.

from the album It's Impossible That Reptilians Don't Exist EP

21/05/2017

Band: Legerity
Song: Above The Sky

Legerity are exactly what you would get if a Lord of the Rings fan and a My Little Pony fan made a band name by fusing two of their favourite characters' names together.

The music sounds, oddly enough, exactly like what you would expect a cross section of those two fanbases to sound like.

Coincidence? Hardly.

Incidentally, I thought the band was called Above The Sky for a little bit, too. It's such a 'generic metalcore' name, I just assumed that was what the go was, and readied my keyboard accordingly. I mean, they ~aren't~ called Above The Sky, so that's good. And to be fair, they're a bit too good to be written off as Generic Metalcore™, so there's that.

I can, however, easily imagine some dude belting off into his Rarity plushie - fleshlight cut-out model, obviously - in Legolas cosplay while he listens to this. I assure you, though, his mental alacrity will not be entering into the equation of how he is going to manage ripping out a fat nut in the 4:27 that this track occupies.

Legerity. The f**kin' cheek of it. Seriously.

from the album Mind//Shift

21/05/2017

Band: Inceptus
Song: Torn Apart

You know those times when you get a really nice shiny apple from your local Coles or whatever, and you think 'f**k me, if this isn't just an absolute pearler of a pink lady'? So you chuck it in the bag, mouth watering, salivating at the idea of sinking your teeth into that gorgeous, sweet flesh. You get home, take off your pants, get the l**e ready, and take a bite, expecting it to take you away to O-land, but instead, something's wrong.

DEAD wrong.

Sorry, I couldn't help myself.

Anyway, something's wrong. Unbeknownst to you, a crafty retail worker, fed up with dealing with whinging, entitled flogs all day, has chosen to exact his/her revenge on his/her perceived enemies, except his/her enemies aren't going to bear the brunt of his/her wrath.

Oh no.

No, as he/she bores a small pin hole into the bottom of the apple, and syringe feeds a solid few millilitres of raw human effluent into the apple, they have no idea that the victim will be none other than you. YOU, the person reading this. And as he/she painstakingly paints over the bore with enamel and food grade dye, they couldn't possibly know that it is YOU who is going to eat that s**t filled apple.

Anyway, I'm sure you can see the parallel I'm drawing between a polished, s**t-filled apple and this song. That's what I was doing, see. It's clever. I'm clever.

Incestus, however, not so much.

Inceptus 5 piece metalcore band from Melbourne Torn Apart, released 03 March 2017

21/05/2017

Band: Defy Your Idols
Song: Hell

Look, I'm not going to lie. I was sorely, severely tempted to just post a picture of some metamucil in lieu of a review. I briefly flirted with the idea of just linking a bunch of resources on how to stay regular. YouTube videos of people afflicted with severe constipation. Enemas. Colonic irrigation services.

In the end, I decided not to. I wouldn't say I took the high ground because that would imply that there is, in fact, a high ground to take with a song that is literally called 'Hell'. Not even figuratively. No metaphor. Just ~boom~, there it is. Hell, guys. Hell.

Hell.

Hell is other people, apparently. Or, if you like Futurama as much as I do, other robots.

Personally, I disagree. Hell is much worse.

Hell is s**t metalcore.

Hell by Defy Your Idols, released 20 May 2017

21/05/2017

Band: eremita (idk idiot can't even make a page or somes**t jfc)
Song: Radiation Sickness

What. The. F**k. Was. That. Chord.

Jesus mate. I mean, granted, the song is called Radiation Sickness, so I was essentially expecting the song to be of the quality I would expect from a Fallout ghoul. And not one of those fancy Reavers, mind. You could have at least given me a stalker, but noooooo you just had to give me a regular, old, garden variety feral ghoul. No frills. No brains. Flesh missing. A couple of bottle caps found, despite the ghoul not actually having any pockets to speak of, so the bottle caps are presumably held internally, like a munter hiding his drugs from the sniffer dogs at Bang! or Next! or whatever other random appellative your local nightclub gives to its thinly veiled attempts at social lubrication between disenfranchised millennials.

Actually, most of them look and act like ghouls after a couple molly.

How's that? Some sweet, sweet continuity. Beautiful.

9 track album

21/05/2017

Band: Cast Down
Song: Leatherman

Isn't a leatherman a knife or some s**t? Yeah, it is. It's like a swiss army knife basically. It's kind of funny, actually.

See, what makes a leatherman great, is the utility. You can use it for heaps of s**t. You can skin your kills when you go hunting. You can use it as pliers to extract a stuck s*x toy. You can use it to unscrew the back of your high powered pointer laser when the high powered pointer laser stops being high powered and just basically remains a laser instead, which kind of defeats the purpose of having a high powered laser pointer in the first place.

This song? This song only does one thing, unlike the aforementioned utility knife.

It sucks.

Admittedly, it sucks in a variety of ways, but when you boil it down, really get down to brass tacks, it still just kind of ...sucks, y'know? You could suck with all the finesse of one of those fancy assed Dyson f**kers that cost like 5 grand, but at the end of the day, you're still just schlucking up lint and discarded p***s, and I feel like that's still more kindness than this song really merits.

That being said, at least it isn't one of those s**t ball vacuums that doesn't actually work and just falls over all the time.

facebook.com/castdownhc castdownhc.bandcamp.com Recorded, Mixed & Mastered by Scottie Simpson Lyrics: Inside your head Disguise sympathy To hide your misery ...

21/05/2017

Band: Parkwood - Band (again, I think)
Song: Sin

When I saw this, I legitimately was confused because why would a retreat lodge release a melodic hardcore song? Like, what would possess the proprietors of a business purportedly offering affordable lodgings with a luxury flavour, to write, record, and market a song?

I mean, I sort of get it. The riffs are like a couch, in the way that riffs sometimes are. The vocals are quite fireplace-y, if you're into that sort of thing. I get it.

I get it.

Well played, Parkwood lodges. But, maybe you could consider, I don't know, television advertising? A signboard? Hell, at a stretch, even some flyers tacked up around town?

Just my two cents.

Sin by Parkwood, released 06 April 2017 That face brings hate, from me Would it pay to talk about sin I love you Please let me in Lets talk about this And where we go from here It doesn’t need to end this way I hope we’re clear You looked me dead in the eyes and said I’d go to hell If you’re worried...