01/05/2024
SoulFood: Does the Hurt Go Away?
Have you ever been in "that place" of hurt and wondered how you were ever going to make it passed that point? When your mind can't even conceive anything other than how you feel. When you look to God in agony and ask why. That's the million dollar question that everyone has asked at one time in their life, even if you didn't vocalize. God knows what we think.
I remember growing up and deciding that I would never let anyone hurt me again. That day I made a choice to close my heart and protect myself from the world. Wow, it was great! No more pain. For years, I walked around not caring about anything. My heart was turning into stone and I didn't even know it. I was always the kind of person that had a different answer than the popular crowd which caused me alot of conflict in life and much hurt as a result. But now I thought I was free. People said bad things or did bad things to me and I didn't even flinch, no worries because I didn't care. God still loved me with my hardened heart and He still spoke to me about my future even though He knew I was messed up inside.
There came a season when God required more of me and I knew I had to let go of the shell that had protected me for so many years. I told God that I would let go as I cried my eyes out while driving. It felt like I was ripping my heart out because I was giving up my control and I truly thought to myself that my way was better than God's way because I didn't cry at night anymore. Years later, I have taken the shell back quite a few times because being vulnerable is not fun and God wasn't understanding how I was feeling, so I went back to the only thing I knew. The Lord showed me that not only was I keeping people out of my life, but I wasn't living life either. I was so stale and hard and black & white about everything and I would never be able to experience abundant life that way.
I knew God was tugging at me again to get me to release the past. He said, don't let your past determine your future. He shared with me that I had to love with no expectation of receiving anything from the people I love. WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That philosophy is not cool at all. What is love about then? I couldn't believe that my philosophy of love didn't match God's and I felt like I have given God so much, surely He doesn't require anything else of me, yet He required my heart fully.
He said I didn't have a right to build a case against people that have hurt me even if it was justified because He had a case against me and He forgave me, so I had to forgive AGAIN. There was still some resentment in me that was eating at my character. I just didn't understand. I'm always the one having to change, it's not fair. I love God so much that I had to trust Him even when it made no sense to me.
I asked God why does He allow these things to happen when I am trusting in Him to protect me. I have pulled my heart towards him so many times and it seemed as if it didn't matter because God allowed me to be sideswiped again. Then the spirit of God reveals himself in a way that cannot be explained, but He allowed me to see the end (the promise), he allowed me to see the strength I have gained, the greater love for Him that I have, the greater sensitivity I have for my family and for my friends, the need for others that may be experiencing the same things that I have gone through. He told me it would be a testimony for many. Now that sounds all good, but my first thought was........Huh? I'm hurting and you are telling me about a testimony one day.
He speaks to those that want to hear Him. It makes no logical sense, but God will heal and He will restore that which the kankerworm has stolen. That is a promise!
If you remember nothing else, trust this. If you really want to be free from hurt, tell God the truth about how you feel. I've learned to just talk to God....no scriptures......just me and as I pour out my heart to Him and release the venom inside, the scriptures begin to pour of out me because God is present to allow me to see the truth instead of my feelings.
That is why I said before, feelings don't matter when it comes to your deliverance. Base your love and expectation on God alone and He will restore your relationships with people, but you can't do it yourself. People will never act the way you want them to. Pull your heart towards God and know He hears you even when you're not talking and He wants you to share with him your innermost thoughts.......even if they are about Him because sometimes we are disappointed in God for things not understood. Reach out to Him and see Him as a father. Hold on, even when you don't feel like it because you know He will come through for you and when He does, oh man, abundant living goes to another level!!!!!!!!!
