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The inner me. Sharing my experience in life, things that have been known by only me and no one else

14/10/2020

I just took a back sit at school stopped participating in most activities at school focused on my books but it was hard cause I was always thinking about how life was for me and my little sister I was just so angry with my mom then I didn't even wanna talk to her when she came to visit I just hated everything about her didn't even want to give her a chance to explain her self why we spent our childhood without her why we had to grow up without her n blame her for not having my father around... I carried on with school had friends we shared so much together so to help out at home with a little bit of cash I was selling sweets,chocolates n chips sometimes school was very nice sometimes not good.. Grade 10 I had a crush he was cute i n the same class but I never told anyone about that not even my friends cause I was not beautiful enough for him I was just a tom boy ndingamhlanga what's worse is I have teeth that are not white so kids at school would always make fun of me they would say I need pot scrape to clean my teeth I knew that I was brushing my teeth everyday its just that they are just not white and there was nothing I could do about it I just had to live with them so ended telling them one day that its not my fault that I had off colour teeth its just how they are and there was nothing that I could do to change them... But before that I was crushed but how they used to tease me about my yellow teeth I remember using domestos to clean them which almost killed me that's why I had to take a stand and except my self for how I look....to be continued

16/02/2020

M sorry I took so long but I've been to lazy to type now let me begin

ZABALAZA PRIMARY SCHOOL...new life,new school, new mother

It was now me n my sister going to live in house of a grade R teacher first day we arrived we looked like church rats dirty clothes,dirty hair,you could see poverty written all over us we but we were happy to have a nice home where we would sleep comfortably, eat nice food and go to school near by she welcomed us with open arms n bought us new things that we needed toiletries,clothes,shoes etc made sure that we felt at home first day I went to school I was not comfortable I thought that the kids would make fun of me n they wouldn't like me or play with me some were welcoming others not so much so one day a man passed by our house n said to my mom... You know what u did cost us those girls could've been our wives just imagin a man old enough to be our father saying that my mother was so disgusted and told him where to get off she was so protective of us
And didn't want any harm come our way she love us as her own kids days and months went by school was OK had friend teachers were good n all was well for me n my sister we were attending the same school she was in grade 3 me in grade 7 at the end of me the year I passed went to grade 8

Starting High School

Dumalisile Secondary School
There I was in high school happy had friend n most people like me there my life wasn't that interesting then i would go to school come back home day house chores n home work cook supper then sleep I had no problems what I was active at school I didn't wanna play sport though but I was i n a chore there I loved singing one day it was Valentines day I attempted to sing in front of the hole school the song by Mafikizolo Emlanjeni... Yho kids laughed at me I was crying that day I lost a little bit of confidence because I was always fearless n a go getter they made me doubt myself n I stopped believing that I could sing... To be continued...

02/08/2017

2005 The big move
So we moved to King Williams Town to my mothers home we arrived very late so we couldn't see everybody clearly I was so tired,sad but a little excited that I was going to be with my biological mother at last so we greeted everyone then went to bed cz it was late and we were tired, the next day came and I woke up to this new life new people new everything and i got to know everyone me and my lil sis we met our aunts,cuzins,uncles neices and nephews some if the cuzins didn't really like us but the was one of my cuzins who like me the first time he saw me people asked if I was his twin cause we were age mates and looked alike he never wanted to go anywhere without me if he's sent on an errand and am not at home am playing he'd go and pick Me to go with him to the shops if were old people would have swore that we were lovers my other cousins were a bit irritated by our closeness we were inseparable like tongue and saliva, days went by it was December so we were home everyday, my mom got a share of inharetance of her father and built a shack in the same yard and furniture it was nice to finally have our own space we got to watch TV everyday something we never did in Transkei cause of electricity we were just happy kids I always had long hair growing up until I got lice then they had to cut off my hair I was so stressed that day... Days passed living with people who shared same blood with was not that bad but it was not great either there were conflicts like any other family so the time to register for school came my mom took me to Mnxesha primary school we register then took my little sister to the other school next to mine and registered her too then bought us our uniforms and all the stationary now day for school came wow talk about worse day ever kids were so mean I wasn't one of the pretty girls at school I had a boyish look actually they teased me that day but I didn't cry either I was a tough girl inside and out classes went on then school was out even though the kids were mean but I got through that day and I was young so didn't have time think about all that stuff I had time for playing only not thinking kept on going to school even though when I was there it wasn't nice but I got through it going to a new school having be with new people new environment so I didn't do well on my studies then things got bad at home we'd go to school hungry then come back from school no food still that made me unfocused at school and the bullying got worse at school I was so lonely so confused and I'd sit in class while other kids are having fun eating sometimes the hunger would be worse and I'd just sit and cry one of my teachers saw me crying and asked I told her then the next day she came back with a launch box called and gave it to me I was so happy called my little sis at launch time and shared the bread with her everyday my teacher would do that then I got better my performance got better not great but better... I got a few friends cause I had launch now so we used to share everything we have then id call my little sis to give some to her months went by we moved again from Dimbaza to Zabalaza things got tough again but I was still going to the same school was in grade 7 someday I wouldn't be able to go to school the distance was a bit much not that much but my mom wouldn't wake us up so we'd end up not going to school cause of being late my score dropped again mom became a heavy drinker school wasn't my priority anymore I had to look after my sister and little brother i had grown a bit so I had boys who were starting to get interested but they never had a chance cause I was tomboyish I like walking bearfoot wearing a mini and vest even if its raining that was the way I used to dress, school was a here and there thing now I failled grade7 mom moved us to another there we struggled a lot cause all she did was to drink get drunk came home after living us with nothing to eat all day and night it wasn't nice then mom sold the furniture one by one crushed us completely we didn't understand anything One day we have furniture the next we got nothing I mean that could break any child Christmas we had no clothes other kids dressed up us nothing Even food we didn't have it being so young experiencing such hardship It was not pretty that time passed I was going to change schools was going to attend to Zabalaza primary school....to be continued!!!!

21/06/2017

My mother was very young when she had me it was not easy for her at all. 6years with her was not enough for me to feel her motherly love,because she could cope she had to give me away, just imagine being that young and moving away from your mother it was really not easy for me at all so I moved from my birth place (Johannesburg to Transkei) with total strangers but they loved me anyway as their own. My new mom was great and my new big sisters too. So we arrived it was very different from what I was used to.The kids there used to tease me alot only because I spoke differently from them I spoke IsiZulu and IsiSotho so they did not understand me. Life went on I started school grade1 which was great teachers loved me because I was good in class got good marks. But sometimes I struggled a little bit with my peers they made fun of me a lot and they also didn't like the fact that teachers treated me differently from them,one day I was in grade two came back from school with my friend she told me to pass by her house so I did when we got there we started playing with her mother's stuff Colgate,roll-on,dawn,perfume we put all those things in our heads I had a short hair so my hair ended up being curly,my friend started playing with matches then out of nowhere there was fire all over the place I fled to the nearest forest stayed there,I watched the sun going down until it was very late,my mom,dad,chief, and other neighbours were looking all over for me yelling my name until they found me in the middle of the woods sitting there alone I believe it was 00:30 when they found me just think about it a 7 year old alone in the middle of the woods at that time my new parent were really worried and upset told me not to do that again was really worried that I was I'm trouble.At home we were not a rich family so sometimes we'd go to bed hungry years went by i grew up a bit grade 5 I had a really close friend we did everything together and of cause boys started to notice us so there were too friends(boys) who had an interest in us you know that puppy love not love that our kids and siblings have now... So we used to play with them a lot I liked the dude he had a really nice voice he was a yellow bone too, December that year mom,dad,my sisters went to Maritsburg I went to live with my grandma and cousin's in elalini called Mabomvu life was good(ish) there granny had a very huge garden with fruit trees and veggies so we couldn't just go hungry,January started school time I had no shoes I was about to enter Grade 6 1st day went to school with my casual shoes from grannys place to My school distance was very long in month my casual shoes were finished so I went to school barefoot no shoes at all in winter I'd put my feet in cow p**p just for that warmth sometimes I would not go to school when there was a snow that was a very difficult year for me end of the year I relocated to King Williams town .2005...
To be continued

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