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14/12/2016

If Football was like Nollywood Movies.
One day thunder will strike and Cristiano
Ronaldo will fall on the pitch and starts
shouting, "I will confess!, I will confess!,
please
oh, I will talk oh, I tied Kaka and made him
lose form".
Spectators: Heyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!
Cristiano Ronaldo continues: I also used the
charm I got from Portugal to tie down Bale,
just to make sure he doesn't perform better.
Cristiano Ronaldo coughs and continues: I
cursed the Jersey number 7 in Manchester
United so that any player that wears it will
become a dummy like Michael Owen,
Anthony Valencia, Angel Di Maria, Memphis
Depay. Please don't give that Jersey to
Rashford, unless......
Spectators: Heyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!
Coach: ARUU!!!! ABOMINATURE!!!!!
Cristiano Ronaldo continues: I tried to kill
Messi by frustrating him during the Copa
America and also taking him to jail. But it
was his God that backfired it. My body is
burning, fire oh, fire oh, I have
confessed, I have confessed.
Spectators: Heyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!
Messi with Bible and Chaplet in his hands
will start crying on hearing the last words.
He would say in tears, "What did I do to
deserve all these?". Iniesta, Neymar and
Suarez will start consoling him.
Nollywood Go kill us one day!!! LMAO

06/07/2016

What happens when Selena eats too much beans.......................... Ans========> Selena go mess😂

30/12/2014

Akpos won a lottery of 10 million dollars, after claiming the money, he buried the cash at the foot of a tree, and took a picture of the tree.

He then boarded a flight to London, on the plane feeling good about himself he looked at the photo and suddenly he burst into tears.

In his hands was the photo, in it there was a man smiling at the top of the tree.

If you were Akpos, what would you do?

26/12/2014

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┃ ΞΞΞΞΞ ( ○ ) ΞΞΞΞΞ |
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Christmas Gift to u
Iphone 6

Don't thank me too much. It will make me feel like am proud....na small thing:....... Merry Christmas Everyone

23/10/2014

The whitest man on earth
still have a
black shadow.
2. No mechanic can repair breaking
news.
3. No matter how tall you are, you can never see
tomorrow.
4. Even if you have millions of
cars, you still have to walk to your bedroom.
5. You, being the best swimmer
doesn't make you a fish.
6. The strongest man on earth can never carry a
mountain.
7. The smartest Assassin on
earth can never kill Water.
8. No matter how smart a police is, he can
never catch the air.
9. No matter how mighty and powerful your enemies are
they will never
succeed over you! type Amen to claim it with
faith

21/10/2014

Dem say boko haram don poison beans and i buy half
bag for house. From di one wey i cook, i giv my dog
‘bingo’ make e first test am, 45mins lata bingo stil dey
waka, I dey jolly den i eat my own. Afta i eat finish, my
gateman run come tel me say bingo don die, hey! I run
enta house and drink full gallon of palm oil for my belle.
I dey tink my life come outside, my gateman com dey
tell me say di driver wey kill bingo wan come beg me. If
na u, wetin u go do di gateman?

21/10/2014

A woman giving a testimony on how she survived an
accident claimed that the car somersaulted 17 times.
Akpos who was who in the congregation stood up and said:
“Madam, so of all things to do, you were busy counting
how many times the car somersaulted? “

21/10/2014

Akpos’ Pastor called him after Church and asked him how
much he bought his iphone 6 smartphone.
Akpos lied that he bought the phone for $100 instead of
$1000, because he didn’t want the Pastor to shout and ask
how much he (Akpos) gave to God that month.
All of a sudden, the Pastor gave Akpos two hundred dollars
to buy two of the phones for him and his wife.
Now Akpos is confused and doesn’t know what to do.
What advice will you give to Akpos.

21/10/2014

Naija of Old I miss you oo!
I miss d days when we went to school, lined up & D
headmistress & teachers inspect our nails & uniform &
den we match to our classrooms, U Remember na??
D days of Nasco Biscuit,Trebor, Iced coloured water
tied in nylon we called it “lolly”
D days of Goody-Goody & pako Biscuit.
D days of ali & simbi, Mr Salami & Mrs Salami, Agbon,
Edet lives in Calabar.
Chei, i remember those days when one naira na money,
when groundnut was 5 kobo. & choco milo sweet was 5
kobo
The days of messing game, who is in d garden, police
and thief
D days of mama & papa play • The days when we use
to build houses with sand, play suwe game, tinco tinco,
change U̅r style, ten ten, skipping, stop! U remember
nau?
Those days wen we used to fly kite on streets, wen boys
used to use d paint bucket cover as tire & their daddy’s
hanger as d steering
Those days when rubber band was stock exchange nai
The days when voltron, jimbo, power rangers, spider
man was our favourite cartoon
D days of limca soft drinks & choco milo advert on
black and white tv and sunday rendevous by1:30pm •
When we say ‘leke leke give me white finger’ • Those
days when eleganza pen was d best •
D days wen we used to drink water from d tap even
suck out d water if its not coming out •
D days when NTA will show rainbow color for 30 mins
then national anthem before they resume program @
4pm •
D days wen basket sandals, simbi nd Bata sandals were
d best •
D Days wen we all sing sandalili sandalili songs.
Now……Dstv has come, no more old fun, I’m really
proud to have experienced all this.
If u r nt smiling it means you were not born in my
generation. Kpele oo. Hapi Sunday!

21/10/2014

APKOS AND THE TEACHER

Teacher: The first son of Adam was named?..
Akpos: Adamu. Cool
Teacher: Akpos, assuming you were at a bus stop and
boko-haram throws a bomb. What will you do?
Akpos: i will stop assuming…..
Teacher; what is a verb?
Akpos; a verb is a valve in a bicycle tyre
Teacher; what are u sayin?
Akpos; its a complete sentence sir
Teacher; are u mad?
Akpos; its a question sir
Teacher; dont be stupid
Akpos; its an advice sir
Teacher; stop that nonsence!
Akpos; its a command sir
Teacher; U are an idiot
Akpos; its an insult sir
Teacher; get out of my class!
Akpos; its an order sir
Teacher; oh goodness!,,, what a boy!,,,
Akpos; its an exclamation sir
Teacher; may God hav mercy on U
Akpos; its a prayer sir
…. the teacher fainted!!

23/09/2014

My Forgetful Uncle And How He
Ended Up With His Forgetfulness
Sometime last year an uncle of mine along with his family
and I travelled to the ranch in Calabar for the mid year
holiday. While there, an Evangelist who had a beautiful
horse and was about to travel back to where he's from,
cause he has been transferred back home, decided to sell
the horse before leaving. He approached my uncle and
gave him reasons and benefits of buying it, that it'll save
transportation to and fro the ranch. My uncle agreed to buy
it and they bargained price. Arriving at a reasonable price
in which they both agreed on, my uncle paid and climbed
onto the horse. He said to the animal; Move! The horse did
not budge. The Evangelist then explained to my uncle; No,
you don't say that to him to move. This is a special kind of
horse. You have to say; Praise thy Lord! For him to move.
To stop him, you have to say, Amen! My uncle said okay
and told me and his family to wait for him, that he was
going for a ride. He said; Praise thy Lord! And the horse
took off with great speed. As the horse was going and my
uncle enjoying the ride, when he was about to stop, he
forgot what he had to say to make the horse stop. He said
Halleluyah! The horse did not stop. He said praise thy Lord!
The horse kept moving. He panicked and sweated
profusely. As the horse moved into a mountain, my uncle
hurriedly prayed to God and ended the prayer with in Jesus
name, Amen! The horse about to fall off from the mountain
came to a screeching halt at the slight edge of it. Relieved
and thankful, my uncle exclaimed; Praise thy Lord!

23/09/2014

A Way To Avoid An Argument With A
Woman And Make Her Agree With
You
I went on a night out with my friends last night. My wife
was furious and told the children that when I come back,
they must not open the door for me. At about 11pm I came
back and knocked. My wife told me to go back to where I
am coming from, and sleep there. I told her I am not home
to sleep. I am home to collect the condoms in my room on
top of the table or better still, let her give them to me, that
there are a lot of women at the party. She opened the door
and said I am not going anywhere. I should enter the
house! Lol!

06/07/2014

My girlfriend paid me a visit last week Friday.
When she went to the bathroom to shower, her
phone rang, I looked and saw TU-FACE calling. I
didn't say a word.
A few minutes later, another call came in and
when I checked, it was WIZ-KID calling. I was a little
bit nervous but I remained calm.
Five minutes later again, another call came in from
IYANYAN. I said to myself, "omo! My girlfriend is a
celebrity o!'"
Something struck my mind and I decided to dial
my number to see what she saved mine with. As I
dialled my number, the name I saw made me
numb for a few seconds.
She stored my name as 'LATE SAM LOCO Callling.'
Abeg people, what should I do to the girl? Help
me answer in the comment box below...

24/06/2014

My Dear Friend!!!
*CRACK YOUR BRAIN. EVEN GRADAUTE MIGHT FAIL
THIS.
I was looking at a photo and My friend asked me
whose picture are u lookin at.
I replied, i dont have sister and brother but dis
man's father is my father's son.
SO WHOSE PICTURE WAS I LOOKING AT???
Lets see who will get it....

08/06/2014

INTELLIGENT CONVERSATIONS !!!
Professor : You are a Christian, aren’t you,
son ?
Student : Yes, sir.
Professor: So, you believe in GOD ?
Student : Absolutely, sir. Professor : Is GOD good ?
Student : Sure.
Professor: Is GOD all powerful ?
Student : Yes.
Professor: My brother died of cancer even
though he prayed to GOD to heal him. Most of us
would attempt to help others who are
ill. But GOD didn’t. How is this GOD good
then? Hmm?
(Student was silent.)
Professor: You can’t answer, can you ? Let’s
start again, young fella. Is GOD good? Student : Yes.
Professor: Is satan good ?
Student : No.
Professor: Where does satan come from ?
Student : From … GOD …
Professor: That’s right. Tell me son, is there evil in
this world?
Student : Yes.
Professor: Evil is everywhere, isn’t it ? And
GOD did make everything. Correct?
Student :Yes
Professor: So who created evil ? (Student did not
answer.)
Professor: Is there sickness? Immorality?
Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things
exist in the world, don’t they?
Student : Yes, sir.
Professor: So, who created them ? (Student had no
answer.)
Professor: Science says you have 5 Senses
you use to identify and observe the world
around you. Tell me, son, have you ever seen
GOD?
Student : No, sir. Professor: Tell us if you have ever
heard
your GOD?
Student : No , sir.
Professor: Have you ever felt your GOD,
tasted your GOD, smell your GOD? Have you
ever had any sensory perception of GOD for that
matter?
Student : No, sir. I’m afraid I haven’t.
Professor: Yet you still believe in Him?
Student : Yes.
Professor : According to Empirical, Testable,
Demonstrable Protocol, Science says your GOD
doesn’t exist. What do you say to that,
son?
Student : Nothing. I only have my faith.
Professor: Yes, faith. And that is the problem
Science has.
Student : Professor, is there such a thing as heat?
Professor: Yes.
Student : And is there such a thing as cold?
Professor: Yes.
Student : No, sir. There isn’t.
(The lecture theatre became very quiet with this turn
of events.)
Student : Sir, you can have lots of heat, even
more heat, superheat, mega heat, white heat,
a little heat or no heat. But we don’t have
anything called cold. We can hit 458 degrees
below zero which is no heat, but we can’t go any
further after that. There is no such thing
as cold. Cold is only a word we use to
describe the absence of heat. We cannot
measure cold. Heat is energy. Cold is not the
opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.
(There was pin-drop silence in the lecture theater.)
Student : What about darkness, Professor? Is
there such a thing as darkness?
Professor: Yes. What is night if there isn’t
darkness?
Student : You’re wrong again, sir. Darkness is the
absence of something. You can have low
light, normal light, bright light, flashing light.
But if you have no light constantly, you have
nothing and its called darkness, isn’t it? In
reality, darkness isn’t. If it is, were you
would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn’t
you?
Professor: So what is the point you are
making, young man ?
Student : Sir, my point is your philosophical
premise is flawed.
Professor: Flawed ? Can you explain how? Student :
Sir, you are working on the
premise of duality. You argue there is life
and then there is death, a good GOD and a
bad GOD. You are viewing the concept of
GOD as something finite, something we can
measure. Sir, Science can’t even explain a thought. It
uses electricity and magnetism,
but has never seen, much less fully
understood either one. To view death as the
opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact
that death cannot exist as a substantive
thing. Death is not the opposite of life: just the
absence of it. Now tell me, Professor, do you
teach your students that they evolved from a
monkey?
Professor: If you are referring to the natural
evolutionary process, yes, of course, I do. Student :
Have you ever observed evolution
with your own eyes, sir?
(The Professor shook his head with a smile,
beginning to realize where the argument was
going.)
Student : Since no one has ever observed the
process of evolution at work and cannot
even prove that this process is an on-going
endeavor. Are you not teaching your
opinion, sir? Are you not a scientist but a
preacher?
(The class was in uproar.) Student : Is there anyone
in the class who
has ever seen the Professor’s brain?
(The class broke out into laughter. )
Student : Is there anyone here who has ever
heard the Professor’s brain, felt it, touched
or smelt it? No one appears to have done so. So,
according to the established Rules of
Empirical, Stable, Demonstrable Protocol,
Science says that you have no brain, sir. With
all due respect, sir, how do we then trust
your lectures, sir?
(The room was silent. The Professor stared at the
student, his face unfathomable.)
Professor: I guess you’ll have to take them
on faith, son.
Student : That is it sir … Exactly ! The link
between man & GOD is FAITH. That is all that
keeps things alive and moving. P.S.
I believe you have enjoyed the conversation.
And if so, you’ll probably want your friends /
colleagues to enjoy the same, won’t you?
Forward this to increase their knowledge …
or FAITH. By the way, that student was EINSTEIN

29/04/2014

How To Propose To A Girl; First thing to do is hire an helicopter, invite her for a ride (we all know that no girl will reject an helicopter ride).
Immediately you are in the sky, bring out the engagement ring and propose to her by saying .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. "Marry me or get out of my helicopter" No girl can ever say no to that. Try it and see!

25/01/2014

My name is Nkiru, i used my Girlfriend to set my boyfriend up to know if he truly Love and care for me but now they are giving me their Wedding I.V... what am i?
A)Mumu
b)Godsent
C)fool.

14/01/2014

RIDDLE!!!

What goes up when rain comes down??

13/01/2014

1) JANUARY= you are naughty and rude you don’t tolerate crap
2) FEBRUARY= you are too forward
3) MARCH= you are cute & (players)
4) APRIL= you are sweet
5) MAY= you are fun to be with
6) JUNE= you are God fearing
7) JULY= you are charming & loving
8) AUGUST= you are sexy (very attractive)...
9) SEPTEMBER= you are emotionally crazy
10) OCTOBER= you are seductive &romantic
11) NOVEMBER= you are kind & caring
12) DECEMBER= you are Cute, intelligent (& sometimes lazy)
Pukzee

13/01/2014

In secondary school, Akpos was very poor in Maths and Chemistry.
During exams, he would get between 0 and 2.
The results used to be announced from the lowest to the highest
marks, so Akpos would always be the 1st or 2nd from the bottom to
be called out.
One day the Maths results were being called out and Akpos name
wasn't among the 1st to be called out.
The teacher got to 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s.
Still, Akpos paper had not been called out.
Everybody kept looking at Akpos and asking; O boy, what's up?
The teacher went on to 80s and when he got to 88%, he had one paper remaining.
Akpos asked himself, could he have scored 90% in Maths?
He was feeling anxious and happy now that he knew he had proved the so called genius wrong. Could he have gotten 88%? He thought his dream had come to past.
The whole class was amazed as
everybody kept looking at him.
It was unbelievable.
Finally the teacher looked up and said; There is a goat in this class who did not write his name
on his paper. And it got 0. If you know you haven't gotten your paper, come and pick it.
The whole class started clapping
and shouting; Our man. Our man. Our man. Our man.
One word for Akpos.

13/01/2014

Solve This Riddle:
I'm The First On ''Earth''. I'm The Second In ''Heaven''.
I Appear Twice In A ''Week''. You Can Only See Me Once In A
''Year''
Although, I'm In The Middle Of
The ''sea''.
What Am I?

09/01/2014

Conversation between God and Man...
Man: God can I ask u a question?
God: Sure!
Man: Promise u won't get mad at me.
God: I promise.
Man: Why did u let so much happen to me today?
God: how do u mean?
Man: Well I woke up late,
God: Yes.
Man: My car wouldn't start.
God: okay.
Man: At lunch they made me the wrong
sandwich and I had to wait as they prepared
another.
God: hmmm.
Man: On my way home, my fone went dead
just as I was about to pick up a call.
God: Alright.
Main: And on top of it all, wen I got home I just
wanted to soak my feet in my new foot massager
and relax, but itwouldn't work!
Nothing went right! Why did u do that?
God: let me see, the death angel was at ur bed
dis morning and I had to send one of my angels
to battle him for ur life, I let u sleep through
that.
Billy: (humbled) oh!
God: I did not want ur car to start because
there was a drunk driver on ur route that
would have hit you if you were on the road and
would have killed you.
Man: (ashamed)
GOD: The first person who made ur sandwich
today was sick and I didn't want you to catch
the flu, I knew u cudnt afford to miss work.
Man: (embarrassed) okay.
God:your fone went dead coz the person dat
was calling was going to give false witness
about what u said on that call, I did noteven
let u talk to him so u cud be covered.
Man: (softly) I see God.
God: On the foot massager, it had shortage
that was going to throw out all of the power
in your house tonight. I didn't think u wanted
to be in the dark.
Man: I'm sorry God.
God: Don't be sorry, just learn to trust me in all
things, the good and the bad.
Man: I will trust u.
God: and don't doubt cos my plan for ur day
is always better than ur plan.
Man: I won't, and God let me just tell u thank u
for everything today.
God: You are welcome my child, its just another
day being your God and I love looking after
my children..
If you're grateful to God for all He has done and
the ones He is yet to do,
write "THANK YOU GOD".
Ignore if you're not.. —

09/01/2014

A Man Akpos won 10 Million Naira and a flight ticket to London for shopping.
He kept the money on a 'Ghana Must Go' bag, went to the bottom of a tree and buried it.
He used a camera to snap the spot and the tree and went on his way to London.
As he was on a plane heading to London, he brought out the picture, stared at it and was shocked to see a guy at the top of the tree smiling.
One word for Akpos.

02/01/2014

A Man and his son Akpos went to camp.
They set up their tent and fell asleep.
Hours later the man woke up his son Akpos and said; Look up and tell me what you see.
Akpos replied; I see a million stars.
The Dad asked; And what does that tell you?
Akpos replied; It tells me that there are millions of galaxies and planets.
The Dad gave Akpos a hot slap and said; Idiot! They have stolen our tent.
One word for Akpos.

25/12/2013

A CALL TO GLORY
We the entire family of carbohydrate of balance diet Local Government Area regret to announce the death of their father, brother, uncle, grandfather and great grandfather Mr Rice who died in fire accident along pot express road. He was aged 24 cups. He is survived by Mrs Stew, Wife. Curry and Thyme - Twin Daughters, Onions and Maggi Son-in-laws. Burial arrangement is today December 25th, Which is Christmas day Body leaves kitchen
mortuary to his hometown, Dinning table.
Music by plate and spoons. Cup and water are highly invited. Papa our stomach loves you, May your soul rest in the bosom of the
toilet. Signed by meat and fish for the family.

25/12/2013

So Emeka & Nkiru were taking a romantic
walk down the beach one cool night.
Emeka grabs Nkiru's hands, draws her
closer to him, kisses her & says, "Baby!
You know I so much love you. There's no
one here. Its just us. Let's do
WEEWEECHU."Nkiru looks around & says,
"My love, I don't want to do WEEWEECHU
please. Let's just hold hands &
cuddle."Emeka agrees.After a while,
Emeka asks her again, "Oh baby! Please
my love! Let's do WEEWEECHU!"Nkiru
replies: "Baby'm, don't rush me. I don't
want to do it. I just want to be wrapped in
your arms."Emeka calms down.After a
longer while, Emeka can't hold it any
longer. He says, "My heartbeat, its not
fair oh! Let's do WEEWEECHU nah! Since
last year oh!"Nkiru reluctantly agrees!So
Emeka immediately grabs her closer to
him, hugs her tight, brings out the guitar
strapped to his back & they both start
singing:
"WEEWEECHU A MERRY CHRISTMAS!
WEEWEECHU A MERRY CHRISTMAS!
WEEWEECHU A MERRY CHRISTMAS! AND
A HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!"
See their dirty
minds!!! What were y'all thinking
WEEWEECHU was?
Lots of love+Seasons greetings...

25/12/2013

Akpos got 0% marks in an exam and was surprised because all his answers were seemingly correct!

Do you feel that he was wrongly penalised?

The questions and answers below:

Q.1- In which battle did anini Die ?..
Ans.- In his Last Battle..

Q.2- Where was the Declaration of Independence Signed?
Ans.- At the Bottom of the Page..

Q.3- What is the Main Reason for Divorce ?..
Ans.- Marriage..

Q.4- benue river Flows in which State ?..
Ans.- Liquid State..

Q.5- When was mandela Born ?..
Ans.- On His Birthday..

Q.6- How will you Distribute 8 oranges among 6 People ?..
Ans.- By Preparing orange juice..!!

If u were the teacher, what would u score Akpors??????

23/12/2013

Akpos: I want to buy dog food. Seller: Do you have a dog?. Akpos: Yes. Seller: Where is it?. Akpos: At home. Seller: Sorry, i can’t sell you dog food unless i see the dog, it is our policy. The Next Day. Akpos: Do you have cat food?.Seller: Where is your cat?. Akpos: It is at home. Seller: Sorry, i can’t sell cat food for you unless i see the cat. 2 Days Later. Akpos went there holding a black nylon bag. Seller: What is in your bag?. Akpos: Put your hand inside. (The Seller Puts His Hand Inside). Seller: It’s cold, what is it?. Akpos: It is my s**t. I need toilet paper.One word for Akpos.

23/12/2013

DERMATOLOGIST: Good news my dear, after looking through your test results, I'm glad to report that you will no longer be plagued by pimples. GIRL: WOW!! That's great! Why? DERMATOLOGIST: There's no more space.

22/12/2013

A SICK YAR'ADUA & A HEALTHY JONATHAN.

In 3 years a sick YAR'ADUA created the ministry of
Niger-delta, amnesty restored peace in the Niger-
delta, He did not blame
militancy on anybody, he withdrew the
refineries sold to cronies (Otedola, Dangote etc), he
reduced fuel price from N70 to N65. He uphold rule of law by not influencing
judiciary, he set the machinery for a credible
elections. In 4 years a healthy JONATHAN increased the fuel price from N65 to N97, said bye-bye to rule of
law, INEC getting worse, He blamed opposition for
boko haram, refineries on sale. He privatized the
power sector, which makes the power supply
unsteady and unstable, the bill is now heavily costly.
First time in Nigeria, a large number of ruling party governors are
departing in mass to the opposition party. A sick Yar'adua and a healthy Jonathan which one
Of tHem is better? I Hope witH tHis fEw pOints Of Mine Av Bin AblE to
cOnvince AnD nOt tO cOnfuse u sHa

16/12/2013

A naked lady who escaped from
ritualist ran into a taxi and told the driver Akpos where she was going.
Akpos did not start the car.
He was just staring at the lady.
The lady looked at him and said; What’s your problem, driver? Haven’t you seen a naked lady before?.
Akpos replied; I am not looking at your nakedness. I am just wondering where you kept the money that you are going to pay
me with.
One word for Akpos.

14/12/2013

Ochuko and Akpos were approached by a zoo
owner to get lions for his zoo and that he
would pay 2 million each for a lion.
The two men went into the forest in search of
lions, at the end of the day they found nothing
and decided to make a camp in the bush. The next morning Akpos woke up and saw 300
lions surrounding them.
"Ochuko wake up! WE DON HAMMER!!!"

08/12/2013

IMPORTANCE OF PRISON!!!!
Kwame Nkrumah came out of Prison to become President
Nelson Mandela Came out of prison 2 become President
Obasanjo came out of prison 2 become President
Theodore Orji came out of Prison to Become Governor
what are u guyz waiting For?? 4get school and Go 2 prison e.g KIRIKIRI PRISON.

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