Goodbye, News

01/11/2013

Rebekah Brooks Hair Responsible for Phone Hacking Scandal, Court Hears.

Rebekah Brooks Hair Responsible for Phone Hacking Scandal, Court Hears:
http://www.goodbyenews.com/?p=531

As the trail of former News of the World chief executive Rebekah Brooks and her News of the World deputy Andy Coulson continues, a jury has heard that Ms Brooks' hair was the mastermind behind the whole phone hacking scandal. Recent revelations have come to light, including the 6 year affair Coulson...

01/11/2013

Guy Fawkes Declared National Villain by Parliament

Guy Fawkes Declared National Villain by Parliament:
http://www.goodbyenews.com/?p=525

As the UK prepares for Guy Fawkes night on the fifth of November Westminster is set to declare it 'National Bastard Day'. 5 November, or Bonfire Night, commemorates Guy Fawkes who was executed for high treason after his failed bid to blow up the Houses of Parliament with not only all MP's in attenda...

01/11/2013

Britain’s Got Scroungers. Government Plans TV Show to Punish Benefit Cheats

Britain’s Got Scroungers. Government Plans TV Show to Punish Benefit Cheats:
http://www.goodbyenews.com/?p=528

The Government is set to introduce a new raft of punitive measures in order to stop benefits cheats, including putting them on TV shows. David Cameron and Nick Clegg are said to be unsatisfied with how Benefits Cheats are being dealt with by the prosecution service, and so have turned to Simon Cowel...

01/11/2013

Miliband School Alton Towers Holiday Leaves the Right Seething

Miliband School Alton Towers Holiday Leaves the Right Seething:
http://www.goodbyenews.com/?p=536

Ed Miliband has come under criticism from parts of the media for going on a holiday when he should be studying for his GCSE's. Miliband was recently snapped playing Grand Theft Auto 5 with friends when critics said he should have been in parliament attacking the Prime Minister. Now he intends to g...

31/10/2013

Ed Miliband's End of Term Exams Preparation Going Well - Labour Spokesperson.

31/10/2013

David Cameron to Visit Sick Children in Hospital and Tell Them Santa's Budget Slashed to One Lump of Coal This Christmas.

31/10/2013

David Beckham to Set Up Football Franchise in Scotland Called Glasgow F**kpuddles - Rumours.

31/10/2013

Jimmy Savile is This Year's Most Popular Children's Halloween Costume - Shock Reports.

31/10/2013

Kieran’s Top 10 Alternative Halloween Movies

Check out Kieran O'Neill's top 10 alternative Halloween movies! Trick or treat mofos!
http://www.goodbyenews.com/?p=511

Well, it's that time of year again. Pumpkins are appearing on supermarket shelves in ridiculous numbers, terrible kids costumes are on shelves, and soon really irritating kids are going to appear on your doorstep demanding sweets and chocolate like arrogant little sh*ts. What gives them the right to...

31/10/2013

After a small hiatus, we're back with a bang bi***es!

25/10/2013

Scientists Take the P**s.

Jule Hardie brings you the latest science news:
http://www.goodbyenews.com/?p=493

Scientists have recently undertaken yet another pointless experiment that delves into the world of what we don’t really need to know. Their topic? Urination. A team from the Georgia Institute of Technology have taken the term ‘taking the piss’ to a whole new level with their study of various animals...

25/10/2013

The Week in Untertainment 25.10.2013

Catch Anna Sasin's roundup of this week's entertainment news, in The Week in Untertainment:
http://www.goodbyenews.com/?p=500

Oh Allah, What's my Name. Attention seeking pop harlot Rihanna has been getting into more trouble recently, this time in the UAE when she was asked to leave the country's biggest Mosque, after posing for pictures in a tight jump suit. Rihanna, who has a history of posting revealing pictures in order...

18/10/2013

Oreos Are as Addictive as Co***ne! Governments to Consider Widespread Criminalisation.

EXCLUSIVE - Biscuits to be Banned Worldwide:
http://www.goodbyenews.com/?p=479

Scientists have found that Oreos are as addictive as co***ne. The shock findings by the world's foremost bored scientists with too much time on their hands has shocked not only biscuit lovers, but health watchdogs and governments worldwide. As a result Governments all over the world are considering…

18/10/2013

Cardiff City Manager Replaced with Two Children in Long Coat

More Mad Goings On At Cardiff City:
http://www.goodbyenews.com/?p=485

In the latest of a series of bizarre moves by owner Vincent Tan, Cardiff City FC manager Malky Mackay has been replaced by two small children in a long trench coat. This follows a series of bizarre decisions by the Malaysian Tan, who currently sits pretty on the Forbes billionaire list with an estim...

14/10/2013

Cold Callers Free to Pester You – So Long as They Make You Smile

Get Ready to be Bombarded with Cold Callers:
http://www.goodbyenews.com/?p=444

Laws prohibiting the intrusion of cold calling sales reps pestering members of the public are to be relaxed - so long as they make people feel better about themselves. Government and Ombudsmen guidelines which aim to regulate the extent to which sales companies can cold call members of the public ar...

14/10/2013

Mad About Mein Furher

SCANDAL: Confusion as Hi**er's 'Mein Kampf' is Included in New Bridget Jones Book:

http://www.goodbyenews.com/?p=442

Printers and publishers of the new Bridget Jones book Mad About the Boy have been left ashen-faced after a mix up at the printing press resulted in Adolf Hi**er's entire book Mein Kampf being included in the novel. This comes immediately after the news that thousands of the earliest copies of Bridge...

11/10/2013

The Week in Untertainment

Our celebrity correspondent Anna Sasin rounds up this week's celebrity news in "The Week in Untertainment":
http://www.goodbyenews.com/?p=433

Open Letters Ahoy Skin-headed Irish warbler and self appointed irritating mad aunt of the music industry, Sinead O'Connor has been practicing her writing skills again, by once more lecturing wayward faux-temptress and allegedly still-closetted pop t**t Miley Cyrus. Miley has recently been expressing...

11/10/2013

Ask Dr George 11/10/2013

Another selection of lost souls look to our resident therapist Dr. George C. Speculum for help: http://www.goodbyenews.com/?p=430

Dear Dr George I feel I am getting bullied at work and it's really getting on top of me. My job is in public services providing critical responses to decision makers, and offering alternate solutions to a myriad of social problems. Naturally it means coming under scrutiny myself which is fine, but n...

10/10/2013

Customer Sues Taxi Firm After Driver Smashes Own Car in Rage

T**T Cabs driver intimidates elderly passenger and destroys his own car:http://www.goodbyenews.com/?p=415

80yr old Agnes Rutherglen from Glasgow is taking legal action against a taxi company after a routine hire went wrong, and the enraged driver smashed his own car with baseball bat. Agnes was on her way for a regular appointment to Gartnavel Hospital in Glasgow's West End, when the driver, James Saund...

09/10/2013

Apple Set to Launch New Products Thanks to Paper ‘iPlane’

Apple set to launch exciting new range of iProducts including the iSpoon and iSpoon Nano! Exclusive by Julie Hardy:

http://www.goodbyenews.com/?p=394

A new invention has recently appeared on the market that will change paper planes for good. US FIRM ‘PowerUp Toys’ have begun making and selling paper planes controlled by iPhones. This advancement in technology could be an indicator of greater things to come, and it is thought that iPhones may even...

09/10/2013

Audience Member Talking Loudly During Acoustic Gig Creates New Music Genre

Hipster Rap has arrived! GN correspondent Andrew Christie reports on the latest musical genre sweeping the nation:

http://www.goodbyenews.com/?p=383

At a recent open mic night (universally considered to be the most sacrosanct of music events) at The Art School, Glasgow, a new music genre was born when Lottie Melrose, 22 from Glasgow, refused to stop her conversation during an intimate acoustic performance. The new style of music called ‘Hipster…

07/10/2013

Technology and Mankind: Is it Really Taking Over Our Lives?

Goodbye, News! columnist Connor McNicol-Day laments technology:
http://www.goodbyenews.com/?p=364

Technology. It surrounds us. In this day and age, you just can’t escape it unless you are currently a member of a nomadic tribe or an Amish family. Back then, in times of black and white, we had the invention of John Logie Baird’s TV (The big box in the living room), Guglielmo Marconi’s radio (The s...

07/10/2013

THE Debate – Scottish Independence.

A WORLD EXCLUSIVE! David Cameron and Alex Salmond debate Scottish Independence for the first time ever head to head! Read it here:
http://www.goodbyenews.com/?p=338

This week's Debate is a World Exclusive between the two heavyweights of the Scottish independence debate. Next Year the Scottish people go to the polls in a landmark referendum on Scottish independence. If the Yes vote prevails then Scotland will become independent from the rest of the UK and a 300…

03/10/2013

Goodbye, News! Investigation: The Daily Heil.

A Goodbye, News! investigation reveals The Daily Mail's Sordid Fascist Past.

http://www.goodbyenews.com/?p=320

The Daily Mail found to have fascist roots amid allegations that newspaper remains fascist. An extensive Goodbye, News! investigation has shown that the Daily Mail has fascist roots, and the owner of the publication in the 1930's, Lord Rothermere was personal friends with Hi**er and Mussolini, and…

02/10/2013

Ikeå Sölår Pänels Cåuse Outräge With Flåt-Päckers.

Ikea causes fury with FUDs everywhere!
http://www.goodbyenews.com/?p=313

Flat-packed furniture giant Ikea have recently announced that they will begin selling flat-packed solar panels for residential housing. The price of these units includes installation, which should be seen as a huge bonus to the majority of customers who struggle with the current gibberish instructio...

28/09/2013

The Week in Untertainment – 28.09.2013

Catch This Week's Celebrity Gossip in "The Week in Untertainment" by Anna Sasin:

http://www.goodbyenews.com/?p=306

To S**t or Not to S**t – That is the Question. Former Beyoncé backing singer and current television judge, jury & executioner, Kelly Rowland has taken to the papers telling everyone that she had a b**b job presumably because she felt her already perfectly normal b**bs were too normal. She therefore…

25/09/2013

Morrisons in Muslim Meat Misdoing

Morrisons' overreaction to the non-halal meat pasty fiasco:
http://www.goodbyenews.com/?p=260

A Muslim family recently became the victims of Morrison’s food labelling scandal when they bought a pasty for 19 pence that was thought to contain cheese and onion, but instead contained non-halal meat. The family were then offered wine as compensation, but were offended by this gesture as it is aga...

25/09/2013

A Victorian Guide to Life – with Mrs Lynne C. Doyle

Our new Victorian columnist Mrs Lynne C Doyle gives you advice on life, love and family from the Victorian era!
http://www.goodbyenews.com/?p=277

Our Victorian matriarch Mrs Lynne C. Doyle will imbue us her own guide to life, love, family and the universe. This week - An Introduction, by Mrs Doyle. ____________________________________________________ I rely on Mrs Beeton's "Book of Household Management" to garnish tips and advice on rearing m...

23/09/2013

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23/09/2013

Mafia Bosses to Give up Real Crime and Take up Imaginary Crime.

"I'm Gonna Make Them a Game They Can't Refuse"

Based on the unprecedented financial success of new video game Grand Theft Auto V, the heads of organised crime worldwide are considering giving up real crime in order to produce video games depicting imaginary crime instead. The Grand Theft Auto series of games traditionally involve controlling the...

23/09/2013

Miliband Changes Immigration Policy: No One Allowed In or Out.

Getting Tough on Tea:

Ed Miliband has released his latest manifesto pledge, to curb levels of migration - to no one. Under Miliband's watch, there would be no migration at all for British nationals or for foreigners. He has also advised that he would build a massive wall along the shores of the entire UK, in a move mimic...

23/09/2013

Sharing Happy Meals With Horses.

An outstanding poem by Stephen Watt

An inaugural poem by Goodbye, News! honorary Poet Laureate, Stephen Watt. Sharing Happy Meals With Horses People don’t ask me to write eulogies so apologies immediately for the prolix rambling – the wise-cracking prattling – and Ulysses parodies. In heroship, these things often happen. We first met…

23/09/2013

Sharing Happy Meals With Horses.

"Sharing Happy Meals With Horses" - An inaugural poem by Goodbye, News! honorary poet Stephen Watt:

http://www.goodbyenews.com/?p=253

An inaugural poem by Goodbye, News! honorary Poet Laureate, Stephen Watt. Sharing Happy Meals With Horses People don’t ask me to write eulogies so apologies immediately for the prolix rambling – the wise-cracking prattling – and Ulysses parodies. In heroship, these things often happen. We first met…

23/09/2013

Mafia Bosses to Give up Real Crime and Take up Imaginary Crime.

Mafia Bosses to Give Up Real Crime and Take Up Imaginary Crime Instead
http://www.goodbyenews.com/?p=225

Based on the unprecedented financial success of new video game Grand Theft Auto V, the heads of organised crime worldwide are considering giving up real crime in order to produce video games depicting imaginary crime instead. The Grand Theft Auto series of games traditionally involve controlling the...

23/09/2013

Miliband Changes Immigration Policy: No One Allowed In or Out.

Miliband Changes Immigration Policy - No One Allowed In or Out
http://www.goodbyenews.com/?p=222

Ed Miliband has released his latest manifesto pledge, to curb levels of migration - to no one. Under Miliband's watch, there would be no migration at all for British nationals or for foreigners. He has also advised that he would build a massive wall along the shores of the entire UK, in a move mimic...