08/08/2021
Metamorphosis IV.
Others are noise. Their expectations of me have been tremendously misguiding. I lost myself for so long in their deafening noise.
The repetitive demanding, patronizing, demeaning voices that echo in my head as I lay myself to rest put me in a state of constant panic. Always wondering what “thing” I should do next, how much time I have wasted not being the person they want me to be. I say to myself “I have failed, again” …
Today, I dared ask myself “I failed whom?”
How do I convince myself that the failures I attributed to myself were not my own. I am a mere conglomeration of people’s expectations of me. But who am I to myself? At my core, what is it that truly drives me? How can I separate myself from the mold I have been forced to fit in?
I long for silence. Part of me wishes to leap into the void, to forget, to disappear…
How can I define myself? Who am I?
My mind wanders without destination or purpose, their voices are still trying to pull me in every direction, but I am lost and floating to nowhere.
I don’t want to be…anything.
I wish everyone around me would just be still and silent. Allow me to dwell in quietude, listen to my own voice for once.
Osiris be with me.
~A
Painting: Vilhelm Hammershoi, The Poetry of Silence.
