The Bullseye is a satirical news source for the University of South Florida Completely independent a
“Cancelling class due to these so-called ‘expert reports’ was stupid. I’d rather have Co-Star tell me what to do."
After USF cancelled classes for a hurricane that missed Florida worse than Shaq missing free throws, English professor Dr. Emanuel Fingal returned to class Thursday...
“Well, what did these people think was going to happen when they gave us two months notice?”
In light of the recent nationwide social media movement with the plan of raiding government base Area 51 on September 20th, which could be one...
“You can see here that my hypothesis has all the proof it needs: the Black Death was essentially a dry run for Thanos.”
Earlier today USF History junior, Kyla Johnson, announced an incredible discovery. After waiting for finals to finish, Kyla was in the midst of rewatching all...
We’ve been working on getting more and more people to park on USF since everyone seemed to want "more parking".
Over the past few months, the University of South Florida has been making drastic changes in hopes to fix noted parking concerns raised by both...
"As of Friday, a recent graduate of the University of South Florida’s 'incredibly difficult' English program is employed."
TAMPA- As of Friday, a recent graduate of the University of South Florida’s “incredibly difficult” English program is employed. Shay K. Spears accomplished the impossible...
"Currall is being accused by Mueller of gaining access to the marketing team behind the new USF academic logo and making it as gaudy and tacky as possible so that the USF student body would be upset with Judy over it."
TAMPA- US Special Counsel Robert Mueller made a statement on Thursday that USF President-Elect Steve Currall most likely colluded with Russia to obtain the USF...
"Carell stated shortly after the announcement that he will actually be leading the USF System in character as Michael Scott."
TAMPA- It was announced Friday morning that Steve Carell of The Office would be taking the mantle of the highly revered outgoing system president Judy...
"Many tactics have been used to try and combat the senseless crimes, such as significant looks, subtle glaring, and passive-aggressive signs."
Juniper Dining officials are dismayed to report that yet another student has taken more than 2 kiwis at a time. There was a string of...
"Even the most skeptical students have been duped by their practical headlines and convincing photographs of fraudulent information."
On November 27, 2018, it was reported that a fictitious news source had infiltrated the sacred covenant of USF mainstream news to purposely mislead the...
"She was fired this past weekend after driving her bus into Tampa Bay so her students could 'experience the ocean'."
Ms. F was known for her frizzy red hair, light-up earrings, and the school bus she drove to school and on field trips. However, she...
"The administration of USF, feeling cocky since the promotion of USF to a preeminent university, has decided to end the tradition of pretending Valentine’s Day doesn’t exist in order to encourage studying over love."
The administration of USF, feeling cocky since the promotion of USF to a preeminent university, has decided to end the tradition of pretending Valentine’s Day...
“He was like…well…a bull in a china shop,” one confused witness claimed.
TAMPA- Famed USF mascot Rocky D. Bull found himself in trouble with the Tampa Police Department after a noisy escapade through a china shop in...
"Just seeing those men out there getting on their knees gave me impure thoughts. Have you seen Kap, he's gorgeous,” he said getting lost in a trance for a moment.
Earlier today at a press conference for his wife’s new job, Vice President Mike Pence made a shocking announcement that shook the world. “I’m coming...
"Your professor is hoping you’ll drown in your tears as you cry yourself to sleep at night."
We’re only four weeks into the semester, but you may have felt it already. The paranoia, the stress, the feeling that something (or someone) is...
USF Football Head Coach Charlie Strong was so disgraced by the shameful 7-6 2018 season that he has decided to change his name to “Charlie Weak.”
TAMPA- USF Football Head Coach Charlie Strong was so disgraced by the shameful 7-6 2018 season that he has decided to change his name to...
“We aren’t sure if this is a new fashion trend or some kind of political statement.” Said an out-of-the-loop USF spokesman.
Since the spring semester started two weeks ago, school officials have noted that many students have started wearing blindfolds everywhere they go. “We aren’t sure...
Instead of a 50-foot border wall, he proposes lining the border with “really big, really strong" fans
In an effort to end the government shutdown, Trump has proposed a new idea for the border wall in a press conference earlier today. Instead...
"Hawk realized he could skip his online class by removing it from his Canvas dashboard for the day."
TAMPA- USF student Michael Hawk was so lazy that he skipped out on an online class on Monday. After a long night off campus, Hawk...
"After two consecutive losses in the War on I-4, President Judy Genshaft proposed a treaty yesterday to end the war with rival college UCF. "
After two consecutive losses in the War on I-4, President Judy Genshaft proposed a treaty yesterday to end the war with rival college UCF. Although...
"Student superstition says that if you concentrate really hard on something you want while you rip apart a hamburger during the sacrifice, then your wish will come true."
As they have with every other building built since USF’s founding in 1956, this Saturday, USF administrators will perform the ritual sacrifice demanded of them...
4. Take ‘Casual Fridays’ Off
1. Show Up Late to Your Interview Everyone always shows up early to interviews, so stand out by coming in about an hour late. If...
ORLANDO- Hip-hop star and God of the Universe Kanye West visited the University of Central Florida on Monday to inform them that the UCF Knights hat he had been wearing gave him superpowers.
ORLANDO- Hip-hop star and God of the Universe Kanye West visited the University of Central Florida on Monday to inform them that the UCF Knights...
"President Judy Genshaft, who hasn’t been seen in the Tampa area since she announced her departure from USF in early September, seems to have left with something very important to the university"
President Judy Genshaft, who hasn’t been seen in the Tampa area since she announced her departure from USF in early September, seems to have left...
"USF has asked that his real name be withheld as they continue to investigate and pursue charges against him. However, the name that he used at USF was Rockefeller ‘Rocky’ McBullson."
It has been discovered that the UCF Secret Police has had at least one of their students working undercover to gain information about USF. Last...
The signs were created to announce USF’s status as the first university to provide free to***co to all students but instead was interpreted as USF banning the use of these products.
On January 4, 2016, over 2 years ago, signs went up around campus declaring that USF was a “to***co and smoke free campus.” Unfortunately, the...
"The University of South Florida unveiled a new logo for their academic departments last week, while also announcing a partnership with the financial services company, Merrill Lynch."
TAMPA- The University of South Florida unveiled a new logo for their academic departments last week, while also announcing a partnership with the financial services...
"Students can now multitask even more by live-streaming their class on the surface of their windshield during their daily search for parking."
Parking on large campuses has always been in high demand, and it’s made worse by the fact that parking services sells overpriced parking passes for...
"You’ve heard of Mystery Meat Monday, Taco Tuesday, and Wonder Bread Wednesdays, now get ready for Good Food Friday."
You’ve heard of Mystery Meat Monday, Taco Tuesday, and Wonder Bread Wednesdays, now get ready for Good Food Friday. The recent announcement by USF Dining...
4. Major in that Thing You’re Only Casually Interested in as a Hobby
As a new school year approaches, a new wave of completely lost and clueless freshmen will be joining the USF community. To help them navigate...
“It's pronounced Sheeya Leeboo and I wasn't even there",” USF sophomore Shia Labeouf reported when pressed for comment.
It’s all too familiar a scene on campus to see golf carts hurtling towards several students who are forced to rush off the sidewalk to...
"Diaz compared them to grandparents or UCF students in their awareness of technology, but was optimistic as a phrase had already been typed."
USF Communications researchers, working in conjunction with the Statistics department, decided to test the Infinite Monkey Theorem. The theorem, that a hundred million monkeys given...
"Ha, yeah kids, don’t ever let them tell you that being-an-idiot and then covering-it-up-in-a-stupid-way doesn’t pay.”
This past Tuesday, sophomore Nivaldo Tro was sitting in the MSC food court staring into space after working on a particularly hard chemistry problem. He...
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