The Every Three Weekly

29/10/2020

!!New Issue Alert!! Stay tuned to our website for the rest of the articles in their pixelated glory

08/09/2020

Tonight: Satire writing workshop, learn to write satire from your favorite editors! If you're thinking of applying, we highly encourage you to drop by.

When: Today at 7pm
Where: Zoom link tinyurl.com/y5eetzez Passcode: threeweeks

See you there!

26/05/2020

News-in-Photo:

Better than s*x, twice as often.

25/05/2020

News-in-Photo:

Better than s*x, twice as often.

22/05/2020

“The economy just really needs this right now.”

Last night, self-quarantined area man Samuel Anderson reportedly played an active role in stimulating the U.S. economy amidst the coronavirus-related economic downtown by ordering a large pepperoni pizza to his house at 8:34 pm. After completing his sixth-consecutive episode of Shark Tank that ev

21/05/2020

News-in-Photo:

Better than s*x, twice as often.

19/05/2020

News-in-Photo:

Better than s*x, twice as often.

19/05/2020

News-in-Photo:

Better than s*x, twice as often.

18/05/2020

News-in-Photo:

Better than s*x, twice as often.

14/05/2020

News-in-Photo:

Better than s*x, twice as often.

13/05/2020

“This one’s for the freaks,” he continued, adding a dirty bass to what he hoped would be another hot baby-making track.

Sources have confirmed that R&B producer Xavier Marshall, currently recording his latest album at ElectricLady Studios, hopes that listeners nationwide will be able to f**k to this one. “I hope it does the trick,” saidMarshall, looking skyward as his s*x anthems reverberated through the reco

13/05/2020

“Get a close-up of his eyes!” Osten reportedly hissed to his Director of Photography while on set.

Sources at the premiere of a new documentary on the refugee crisis are confirming that the film was just going ahead and zooming in super close on brown people. “Oh, I guess we’re going in,” said audience member Jarrett Adams as the camera militantly tracked a nearby subject of color on the le...

12/05/2020

A Senior Farewell by Editor-in-Chief Zofia Ferki:

When I first joined the paper three years ago, I thought I had struck gold in terms of finding my niche here on campus. Little did I know I had actually struck it rich in the form of thy sweet, sweet $14 trillion endowment. It started out as a harmless enterprise. A slice of Domino’s pizza here,

12/05/2020

“This season, we want to push our contestants further than ever before to find out the truth,” said Coelen. “Is love truly blind, even when it’s with a scraggly troll?”

Producers from the hit Netflix series Love Is Blind have confirmed that the Season 2 cast will be hideously ugly. “I’m really excited to join the show and try to find love,” said George Evans, an unsightly 26-year-old from Atlanta. “It’s time for the show to ask the real, pressing question...

12/05/2020

“Thanks a lot, Nana,” Barton reportedly murmured while scribbling out and tearing up her third attempt at the card.

Reports confirm that area fifth grader Lucy Barton pondered life’s cruel injustices after her mom made her write a thank you note to her Nana, who had recently gifted her a new shirt for her birthday earlier that week. “First I have to take off my shoes in the house, then I have to say ‘excuse...

11/05/2020

A Senior Farewell by Editor-in-Chief Ethan Szlezinger:

The Oxford Comma You will always use the Oxford Comma. There is never a reason not to use the Oxford Comma. It will always be used. If you do not use it, I will know. This is important. I will live on through the Oxford Comma. I would be happy to go more in depth about why the Oxford Comma should

11/05/2020

“I just wish she’d set up shop somewhere that isn’t so close to that damned woodchuck who’s always chucking wood all the time.”

Recent reports have shown that the seashore-based Sally Smith has resumed her business venture of peddling shells. Smith, who has become famous for her vending of the invertebrate exoskeletons, has attributed her financial success to the far-reaching slogan she devised to promote her business.

11/05/2020

Members are slated to receive benefits such as TSA Pre-Check and free check-ups with an on-site airport gynecologist.

In an announcement last Tuesday, Delta Airlines CEO Ed Bastian revealed the company’s newest rewards program, designed to offer perks reserved exclusively for members of the mile-high club. The rewards program, which will be joining the company’s existingSky Club, will allow participants to rede...

08/05/2020

A Senior Farewell by Senior Editor Omkar Deshpande:

As I end my college career, I want it to be known that not once during my time on this paper did anyone come up to me and say they liked my sweatshirt. Never did anyone bother to approach me and say, “Hey, I love The Every Three Weekly! You guys are really funny! Also, that sweatshirt looks real

08/05/2020

News-in-Photo:

Better than s*x, twice as often.

08/05/2020

News-in-Photo:

Better than s*x, twice as often.

07/05/2020

A Senior Farewell by Senior Editor Tara Dorje:

Like many, I discovered the University of Michigan’s esteemed satire publication entirely by accident. Desperate for escape from all the s*x clubs I signed up for at Festifall, by the second week of freshman year I was already trapped in a prison of my own making, wondering where it all went wrong...

07/05/2020

“The technique Van Gogh used in this work is like no other artist in history,” said museum visitor Fred Jacobs, staring at the inanimate object on the wall like it was going to come to life.

Visitors to the Van Gogh Museum in Amsterdam were recently spotted staring intently at the Dutch artist’s Sunflowers (1888) painting, as if it were going to do something more interesting than just hang there. “The technique Van Gogh used in this work is like no other artist in history,” said m...

07/05/2020

Reports confirm that the shift in filmmaking style is highly anticipated by audiences, who are excited to see the classic tale reimagined in a completely new format.

Earlier this week, executives at Walt Disney Animation Studios announced that the company has greenlighted the production of an animated adaptation of its live-action feature film, The Lion King (2019). The new film’s storyline will reportedly mirror that of The Lion King (2019). The studio alleg

06/05/2020

A Senior Farewell by Staff Writer Sam Morse:

I like to bike. I like to drink coffee. I like comedy. Here’s how to enjoy those things in Ann Arbor. Coffee: I like coffee. Roos Roast is the best. Go to either the roasting plant on Rosewood or the E. Liberty location and order a Rich French Neighbor. It’s very good. Biking: I like biking.

06/05/2020

News-in-Photo:

Better than s*x, twice as often.

06/05/2020

“Based on the traditional meanings of those two words, that is what made the most sense,” Zielinski later added.

As United States coronavirus cases continue to skyrocket into the hundreds of thousands, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention lab responsible for running tests admitted yesterday that it had had “positive” and “negative” mixed up this whole time. “We were under the impression tha...

05/05/2020

A Senior Farewell by Design Team Member Kate Watkins:

When I first joined this paper freshman year, I thought this was a reputable campus newspaper. Four years later, I’m finally told that all these stories are “not actually true,” and “are just using satire to poke fun at larger issues.” I can’t believe I have been listening to these f**ke...

05/05/2020

“Seeing that deer allow herself to be so vulnerable really put things in a whole new perspective for me,” said Dawkins, as the white-tail deer released a fawn into the world on his lawn.

As animals begin to reclaim their native lands while the nation is on lockdown, area man Harry Dawkins has since determined that it is humanity who is the actual virus upon witnessing a deer give birth in his backyard. “Seeing that deer allow herself to be so vulnerable really put things in a who