Just For Jokes

16/08/2015

EIGHT WAYS TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY.1.Dont ask for money!2.Forget about asking for money!3.Never mention the word 'MONEY' to him.4.Dont even think about money!5.Reject when he gives you money.6.Be very mad at him if he tries to give you money.7.Warn him you will break up with him if he ever triesto give you money.8.Threaten him you will commit su***de if he ever triesto give you money.

16/08/2015

Akpos walks into a barber shop,and asked,”can I get ahaircut?” The barber looked around the shop full ofcustomers and said, “About 2 hours.” Akpos left. A fewdays later Akpos stuck his head in the door again andasked, “How long before I can get a haircut, The barberlooked around at the shop and said, “About 3 hours.”Akpos left.A week later akpos came into the shop and asked, “Howlong before I can get a haircut?”The barber looked around the shop and said, “About anhour only.” The akpos left.The barber turned to a friend and said, “Hey,Kufure, dome a favour. Follow that guy and see where he goes. Hekeeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut butthen he doesn’t ever come back. ”A little while later, he returned to the shop, laughinghysterically.The barber asked, “So where does that guy go when heleaves?”Kufure looked up, tears in his eyes and said,“To your wife.

25/08/2014

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05/09/2013

Boy: Babe, i want to show you something.
Girl: What is it??
Boy: But can i show you this in your room?
Girl: Okay.
Boy: Can we close the door?
Girl: hmmm okay
Boy: Can we close the window?
Girl: Okay.
Boy: Can we turn off the light?
Girl: Yess.
Boy: Grab my hand.
Girl: *grabs his hand* what is it?
Boy: Look at this,
my watch glows in the dark!!!

05/09/2013

When something takes your breath
away and sweeps you off your feet..it's
not Love. It's called ASTHMA

19/07/2013

A husband and wife had four boys. The odd
part of it was that the
older three had red hair, light skin, and were
tall, while the
youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and
was short.
The father eventually took ill and was lying
on his deathbed when he
turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I
die, be totally honest
with me - is our youngest son my child?"
The wife replied, "I swear on everything
that's holy that he is your
son."
With that the husband passed away. The
wife then muttered, "Thank God
he didn't ask about the other three."

19/07/2013

That awkward moment when your riding in
an elevator (to the 36th floor) with at least
15 other strangers and no one says a word.

13/05/2013

TWO THINGS INVOLVED.... *JAMB*

In this life, there are 2 tinx involved. Either u re in Nigeria or u are outside Nigeria. If you are outside Nigeria, u are safe. If you are in Nigeria, dere are two things involved. Either you go to skool, or you learn work. If you learn work, you are safe, if you go to school, there are two tinx involved. It's Either you write jamb or u dont write. If u dont write, you are safe, if you write, there are two things involved. It's either you pass or u fail. If u pass you are safe, but if you fail, there are two things involved. It is Either you write again or you dont write nd go nd learn work. If you learn work, you are safe but if you write again, there are two things involved. Either your pass or u fail again. If you pass, you are safe . but if you fail again, there are two things involved. It's either your father chase you from the haus, or u go on your own. If you go on your own, you are safe. If your father pursues you, dere are two things involved. It's either you are frustrated or you continue with ur life. If you can continue with ur life, you are safe. If you are frustrated, there are two things involved. It's either you commit su***de or you commit murder. If you commit su***de u are safe, but if you commit murder, there are two things involved. It's either police arrest you or they shoot at sight. If they arrest you, you are safe but if they shoot you at sight, there are two things involved. It's either u die or u are saved in the hospital. If you are saved in the hospital, you are safe. But if you are dead, there are two things involved. It's either you go to heaven or you go to hell. If you go to heaven, you are safe, but if you go to hell, there is only one thing involved
.....YOUR OWN DON FINISH!

26/04/2013

BREAKING NEWS!!!
An Auto Crash this morning claimed the
lives
of so many people on their way to a
convention. Their dead bodies are
scattered
everywhere on the road..
''
''
''
''
''
Some of them are people well known to
you...
''
''
''
''
on the dead list are.....
''
''
''
Ur problems
Ur failure
Ur worries
Ur sickness.
Ur setbacks
Ur disappointments
Ur disgrace
and ur troubles..
''
''
For every hand that type ''AMEN'', may
God
remove them all from your list in JESUS
name.

15/04/2013

An American was visiting
Nigeria
for the first time,
so he boarded a taxi from
the
airport to his hotel,Akpor
happened to be the taxi
driver, on
the way the American saw a
beautiful building and
asked the driver, "how long
did it
take to build such
beautiful building", the driver
was
proud of his
country and said 6years, the
American replied "nonsense,
in
my country it will take 6
months
to
build same building".They
passed
by another huge
building, the american asked
again, "how many years
did it take to build the
house", the
driver replied "2
years", to his shock again
the
american said,
"rubbish, it takes just 2
months
to build same building in my
country".They finally passed
the
National
Stadium, and the american
was
amazed, he asked
how long did it take to build
such
magnificent
structure, Akpor just looked
at
him and said "Oga,
I don't know o! coz when I
passed here this morning,
the building wasnt there".

14/04/2013

Akpor was in his new limousine when he
saw a man eating grass by the roadside.
He ordered his driver to stop and he got
out to investigate.
“Why are you eating grass ?” he asked the
man.
“I don’t have any money for food,” the
poor man replied.
“Oh, please come to my house!” “But sir, I
have a wife and four children…”
“Bring them along!” Akpos said.
They all climbed into the limousine. As
they were going, the poor fellow said : “Sir,
you are too kind. Thank you for taking all
of us in.”
Akpos replied, “No, you don’t understand.
The grass at my house is over five feet tall
it will be enough for all of your family
members.

12/04/2013

On a wedding day, the pastor asked the
usual question; ''Anyone who feels the
couple should not be joined in holy
matrimony should speak now, or forever
remain silent.''
Akpos raised his hand from the back. On
seeing him, the groom ran away from the
church thinking Akpos wanted to expose
him. The bride fainted and when she was
revived, the pastor asked Akpos, ''Why did
you raise your hand?''
Akpos replied, ''I just wanted to tell you
that we can't hear you well from the
back."

12/04/2013

Akpor in a danfo bus from school, he was
reciting the day's lesson they learn at
school; if my dad is a c**k and my mum is
a hen, i'll be a chick. If my dad is a lion and
my mum is a lioness, i'll be a cub. If my
dad is a king and my mum a queen, i'll be a
prince." the danfo driva was irritated by
the noise and told Akpor to stop but he
didn't. Then the driver shouted," what
about if your mum na ashawo and your dad
na armed rober?" Akpor replied," I'll be a
danfo driver.
Have a wonderful day!

12/04/2013

Akpos wife was always faithful to akpos,
akpos wanted to test his wife and see if
she is really faithful to him.
Akpos bought a new sim card,he was at his
work place.he then call his wife using his
new simcard.
Akpos:(changes voice) helo
wife: helo.
Akpos: where is your husband?.
Wife: he has gone to work,any problem?.
Akpos: no problem..i just wanted to thank
him for what he did for me..
Wife: ok.
Akpos: would you mind if i come to your
house and sleep with you,then pay you
20k.
Wife: 20k!thats too small.
Akpos: ok 100k.
Wife: ok come quickly,before that foolish
man comes back.
Akpos: its me akpos your husband..wait
for me,i'm coming..

01/04/2013

Akpor was in his new limousine when he
sawa man eating grass by the roadside.
He ordered his driver to stop and he got
out to investigate.
“Why are you eating grass?” he asked the
man.
“I don’t have any money for food,” the
poor man replied.
“Oh, please come to my house!”akpos said
“But sir, I have a wife and four
children…”the man replied.
“Bring them along!” Akpos said.
They all climbed into the limousine. As
they were going, the poor fellow said: “Sir,
you aretoo kind. Thank you for taking all of
us in.”
Akpos replied, “No, you don’t understand.
Thegrass at my house is over five feet tall
it will be enough for all of your family
members.

05/01/2013

Five things are happening in your house at
the same time. In which order would you
solve them?
1. The telephone is ringing!
2. The baby is crying!
3. Someone's knocking, yelling for you from
the front door!
4. You hung the clothes out to dry and it is
beginning to rain!
5. You left the tap on in the kitchen and the
water is already overflowing!
In which sequence would you solve these
problems??

25/12/2012

The word “Christmas” means
“Mass of Christ,” later
shortened to “ Christ-Mass.” The
even shorter form “Xmas” –
first used in Europe in the
1500s – is derived from the
Greek alphabet, in which X is
the first letter of Christ’s name:
Xristos, therefore “X-Mass.”
Today we know that Christ was not born on
the 25th of December. The date was chosen
to coincide with the pagan Roman
celebrations honoring Saturnus (the harvest
god) and Mithras (the ancient god of light), a
form of sun worship. These celebrations
came on or just after the winter solstice, the
shortest day of the year in the northern
hemisphere, to announce that winter is not
forever, that life continues, and an invitation
to stay in good spirit.
But there’s much more to the fascinating
history of Christmas! Where did the
Christmas tree originate, why are Christmas
candles important, etc.? Merry Xmas

23/12/2012

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had
previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new
husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten
times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative:
he kept telling me how great it was going to
be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was
never really sure how it was supposed to
function, but he said he'd look into it and get
back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said
everything checked out diagnostically but he
just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even
though he knew he had the order, he didn't
know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood
the basic process but wanted three years to
research, implement, and design a new state-
of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and
administration: he thought he knew how, but
he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he
had a nice product, he was never sure how to
position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever
did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did
was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he
ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that
I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna
get screwed!"

18/12/2012

HMM... OLD MEN AND THEIR OLD TRICKS
Barrister Akpors who's gone to the village for
Xmas celebration went hunting in a nearby
village.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a
farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As Barrister Akpors climbed over the fence, an
elderly gentleman asked him what he was
doing.
He responded,
"I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going
in to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied,
"This is my property, and you are not coming
over here."
Arrogant Akpors said,
"I am one of the best trial attorneys in this
country, and, if you don't let me get that duck,
I'll sue you and take everything!"
The old farmer smiled and said,
"Apparently, you don't know how we do
things here. We settle small disagreements
like this with the Three-Kick Rule."
Barrister Akpors asked,
"What is the three-Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied,
"Well, first I kick you three times and then you
kick me three times, and so on, back and
forth, until someone gives up."
Barrister Akpors quickly thought about the
proposed contest and decided that he could
easily take the old farmer.
He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly walked up to him.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work
boot into Akpor's groin and dropped him to
his knees.
His second kick nearly wiped Akpors' nose off
his face.
Barrister Akpors was flat on his belly when
the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly
caused him to give up.
He eventually summoned every bit of his will
and managed to get to his feet and said,
"Okay, you old farmer, now it's my turn."
The farmer smiled and said,
"Now, I give up. You can have the duck."
NOTE: No matter how well educated you are,
RESPECT YOUR ELDERS!

05/10/2012

Dan, a street boy went to a dance club and happened to be very lucky.. He danced with a very sexy lady and after the dance, the lady said to him ''Lets go to my place''. Dan obeyed. When they got home, the lady said in her most sexiest voice ''tie me on the bed and do to me what you do best''. Dan tied her on the bed,.
,

took her blackberry, iphone, television set, some cash and her mini laptop.

Bless Your Thoughts #

04/10/2012

Lol. I really dont know what to call her.. Maybe you guys would.

03/10/2012

What will you call this guy?

03/10/2012

A wife who always suspected that the husband was cheating on her came home one day and saw 2 pipo covered in blanket lying on their bed. With that anger, she went straight to the kitchen, took a pestle and started beating both of dem with it on the bed. Satisfied, she went to the guest room and was suprised to see her husband there. The husband said '' Honey, your parents came this evening to visit and i thought it wise for them to spend the nite here and they are in our room, we will be sleeping here tonight''. *wife fainted*

03/10/2012

Marriage Lies

There was this couple that was married for 20 years, and every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she would break him out of the crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery operated pleasure devise. She got extremely upset. "You impotent bastard!" she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly, "I'll explain the toy if you explain the kids."

18/08/2012

lol.. Family staying fit

18/08/2012

A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little
dog. He asks the shopkeeper, “Does your dog
bite?”
The shopkeeper says, “No, my dog does not
bite.”
The man tries to pet the dog and the dog
bites him. “Ouch!” He says, “I thought you
said your dog does not bite!”
The shopkeeper replies, “That is not my dog!”

21/07/2012

A fairy saw a lion chasing a rabbit in the
forest.
She asked both to stop and said
“I will grant u both 3 wishes.”
Lion – all d lion in this forest, except me, be
female.
Rabbit wished for a helmet.
Lion thought – stupid rabbit, wasting his
wish.
2nd wish
lion – i wish all the lion in next forest be
female.
Rabbit asked 4 a bike. Lion shocked again.
3rd wish
lion-all d lion in world be female
except me. The rabbit grinned, vroomed on
his bike n shouted his 3rdwish, .
“Make this lion Gay.” =D =))

04/07/2012

A dad tried so hard to stop his son from asking too many question. During their conversation...

Dad: If the next thing you are going to say wont be a question, I will give you one of my best cars.

Son: Are you serious?

28/06/2012

Teacher: If you have five oranges and i take away three. What are we going to have?

Jonny: A Fight!

28/06/2012

There is light at the end of every tunnel. Just pray it isn't a train!!!

27/06/2012

A Football match is more interesting when there are two or more people watching. true or false?

27/06/2012

1000 likes.....thanks to fans..

27/06/2012

In an English Class. The teacher decides to test the students' knowledge and decided to start with the dullest student in the class.

Teacher: Who is a doctor?

Junior: A doctor is one who kills your ills with pills and then kills you with the bills.

*TEACHER SHOCKED*: How would you define a Nurse then?

Junior: A Nurse is one who wakes you up to give you sleeping pills.

26/06/2012

Dad: Junior, run inside. you didn't go to school today and your teacher is here. Go in, i will tell him a lie.

Junior: No dad, you go and hide because i told him that you are dead.