01/04/2016
GEORGETOWN, Co. (AP) – In a response to this year's tumultuous election, Lin Shan (a bloodthirsty eight year old) and Brutus the Bear (a nine hundred pound grizzly bear) have set aside their differences to campaign together for the office of President of the United States of America, in a move many are saying is, “Quite possibly the single dumbest...well, wait...maybe the most sensible option, compared to the other ones. Huh, weird.”
Shan (incapable of speaking English) and Brutus (incapable of cognitive thought) left the forest for the first time in weeks to hold a press conference announcing their candidacy. Caked in mud and stained with blood, already appearing as the most competent participant in the 2016 race, Shan detailed her ticket's intentions for the country beside the very railroad tracks where her father was murdered (by her running mate), “我对食物非常饿” which according to her supporters means “Something really good,” but her critics inferred as, “Something really bad.” It is not known whether anyone actually listened to a word she said.
Within minutes of her announcement, Trump, Kasich, Cruz, Sanders, and Clinton reacted on social media:
: "I've love Shan, she's an American hero, but she's also a LOSER that needs to go back to making my clothes in Thailand. "
: “I support her stance on fi****ms, but Ms. Lin is not fit to be Commander in Chief as I highly doubt she's even aroused by the idea of firebombing citizens of boring countries. ”
“I respect Lin Shan but she is mistaken: that bear didn't kill her father, capitalism did. ”
“Typical Republicans, using a female minority child to further their agenda. 'Shan' sounds too much like 'man', we can't let another one of those in the White House that I'm entitled to. 👌🙌💁💯 ”
“Hey I'm still here too. ”
When informed that her campaign announcement had already gone viral, reporters read the tweets to Ms. Lin who could only smile and nod, not understanding English. She appeared to giggle when hearing each of their names, reminded that she lives in a universe where they are actual candidates, but did indeed grab her shotgun and growl when Secretary Clinton's name was said aloud.
Anticipating her announcement previously in the week, critics were quick to point out that Shan isn't eligible for the position, regarding literally every qualification required. Her supporters clarified that according to the United States vs Wong Kim Ark, she is guaranteed American citizenship through her California birth and that Brutus is old enough in “bear years.” Both supporters and detractors cite the Constitution, a customizable 18th Century word-find that one can cherry-pick from in order to pretend like it says whatever they want it to, or use the popular counterpoint, “That was 200 years ago so none of it matters, they didn't even have Netflix back then.”
There was a notable tension between Shan and Brutus, suggesting that their rivalry may not be entirely forgotten. When MSNBC asked the pair why they set aside a pretty legitimate and understandable mortal conflict to enter the world of politics, Shan sat on the stage and finger-painted a depiction of herself and the bear opposite Trump, Cruz, Kasich, Sanders, and Clinton. She noted that even though her running mate is a beast incapable of reason, she pointed out to observers that the Shan and Brutus stick figures are indeed the only ones without their heads up their rectums. Malnourished, she then tried to drink some of the paint before spitting it out.
But throughout the event it became more apparent why they are a compatible ticket. Where Shan would answer questions with political savvy, Brutus responded with an assuring charm. When asked if he supported Israel or Palestine, he appeared to nod but was actually just sniffing a pinecone on the ground. Fox News claimed that he was only selected as a running mate in an attempt to secure the mammal vote, to which he retorted by standing up and scratching his back on a nearby tree. One highly respected reporter jotted down a headline, “Brutus is Bae: The Millennial's Guide to Shan/Brutus 2016 in Gifs.”
What remains to be understood is Shan's actual political platform or policy intentions. When asked what her thoughts on the Syrian Migrant Crisis are she responded, “我不会说英语,” which conservatives understood as, “Literally every brown person is a terrorist” and liberals interpreted as, “Radical Islam is a myth created by white cis men.” MSNBC asked about the growing federal deficit, Ms. Lin took a moment before answering, “你能说普通话?”, which conservatives took as, “An act of terrorism by the Kenyan, Barack HUESSEIN Obama” and liberals inferred as “Pumpkin spice? Yaaass please! Put it on the tab!” A brief consensus emerged when asked for her opinion regarding the twenty eight missing pages of the 9/11 Commission Report, responding by sneezing and wiping the snot on her sleeve, an answer applauded by those on both sides of the aisle.
Gun control was an issue that drew a visible reaction from Ms. Lin when brought up. She held up her father's shotgun and then set it back down, only recognizing the word “gun” and attempting to ask them if that's what they were referring to. Conservatives praised the gesture, seeing it as an emphatic endorsement of arming every man, woman, and child with a high caliber firearm and returning to the system of settling minor disputes though a gentleman's duel. Liberals celebrated her display, viewing it as a proposition that all guns on the face of the Earth should be melted down into participation medals to be given to everyone at all sporting events.
The press conference provided more than a few moments that are sure to split public opinion on Shan. A bird landed on her podium during the conference, some calling this “an epic win” for her campaign, as supporters “found enough words they could pronounce in the Constitution to suggest that such an occurrence is probably worth a fifty thousand million super delegates.” Others praised her willingness to buck “political correctness” and “tell it like it really is,” though what 'it' is remains unclear. Tensions rose momentarily when a reporter suggested that any candidate under investigation for mismanaging emails shouldn't be campaigning. The situation was resolved when it was pointed out by Shan's clueless expression that she most likely doesn't even know what an email is and the reporter didn't receive an online invitation to the press conference because Ms. Lin sent them by telegraph.
At the conclusion of the event, Shan and Brutus unveiled their party's logo: a teddy bear, both an homage to Theodore Roosevelt, the inspiration behind their third party campaign, and as a symbol of their intention of to promote unity among Americans. Perhaps such a symbol suggests that if we abolished the absolutely deplorable concept of inundating those around us with incredibly biased “facts” that only favor our favorite candidate while blatantly ignoring any and all contrary information, maybe it would be easier to conduct civil discourse and foster the kind of healthy democracy this country requires and its people deserve. Detractors say the symbol is for “Dumb stupid idiots, like the other party, comprised of half of the people in the country, all of which I am totally smarter than based entirely on my political beliefs, amiright guyz?”
Desperate to draw up some sort of controversy, a reporter asked her to comment on the N**i-like qualities of some of the 'other' candidates. Lin Shan, as if this was the entire point of such a long and drawn-out press conference, sat up straight and chastised the American citizen, “As someone who's knowledge of the N***s expands further than only recognizing them as 'da bad guyz' from Indiana Jones movies, I can assure you that throwing the lives of millions of dead Jews, Slavs, Soviets, homosexuals, religious figures, and disabled human beings in front of your dumb political opinion in an attempt to discredit public figures you don't agree with, with little interest in the actual details of history, will not be tolerated under my administration. Especially given the fact that objective evidence exists that ALL FIVE of the candidates running for President are guilty of promoting actions, policies, and ideas homogenous with that of Mein Kampf and the Third Reich in some form or another, if you TRULY want to play the N**i card.” Then she remembered that the satire only works if she's a cute little girl that doesn't speak English, “Ooops, I mean – 我很可爱! I LUV AMERIKA!”
Lin Shan and Brutus concluded the press conference like most politicians do, shaking hands and kissing babies. There were no survivors.
Considering that it's being called the April Fools Day Massacre, campaign manager Jesse Stewart suggests it won't impact the polls and will be seen as a dumb internet prank with no merit whatsoever.
-Associated Press
**i2016
