23/08/2019
Today is a good, prayed-for, dream-come-true day. Then why can't I stop crying? I think it got hard the minute I realized that we wouldn't see her on her birthday. This is entirely wrong. And all the memories come flooding back, of having her in the wee hours of the morning, in a peaceful dim room, it was so calm and quiet. That delivery was my first with an epidural, so there was no screaming or pulling of [my husband's] hair. Just us and our beautiful newborn, she was peaceful from the very beginning.
And then, so many pictures of her entire childhood flood my mind. How she watched her brothers and sister, with her big serious brown eyes. How she babbled as a toddler, loudly! It's the only time she was ever loud. The Little House years, we fully embraced that world. Home schooling after I had Malachi, she was really self motivated so all it did was make my life easier. It's not that every day has been perfect or every year easy. But all together, they make a golden chain of golden days.
And I will never be ready for it to end. The thing about having babies is, their childhood is your youth. And when their childhood ends, in a way, your youth ends (except it was different with Malachi, since I was older). So they grow you up.
She grew me up in so many ways.
I'm so grateful. Sobbing hard. But grateful.