Feral Action News (2024)

29/09/2023

Detective Arrests Man in Connection with Tupac Shakur Murder - Follow Facebook for full story

29/09/2023

In a plot twist that would make even the most seasoned crime novelists raise an eyebrow, law enforcement sources have revealed that a man has been arrested in connection with the murder of legendary rapper Tupac Shakur back in 1996. What's more astonishing? The arresting officer claims to be a time-traveling detective.

The mysterious arrest occurred in a quiet suburb, where the alleged suspect, now sporting a classic '90s tracksuit, was apprehended without incident. The arresting officer, who identified himself only as "Detective Chrono Cop," insists that he traveled back in time to solve the unsolved murder case that has baffled investigators for decades.

In a press conference that left reporters in a state of bewilderment, Detective Chrono Cop explained, "I couldn't let Tupac's murder remain a cold case. My future precinct had this technology, and I decided to right the wrongs of the past."

The suspect, identified as a former backup dancer for a boy band, claims innocence, stating that he was merely moonwalking through life and had no connection to the events surrounding Tupac's murder. However, Detective Chrono Cop remains convinced that he has uncovered a time-traveling conspiracy.

Internet sleuths and conspiracy theorists have already begun speculating on the involvement of interdimensional beings and futuristic crime-solving gadgets. Memes featuring Tupac wearing futuristic sunglasses with captions like "Back to the Rap-ture" are circulating on social media, adding a touch of humor to the surreal situation.

Legal experts are scratching their heads, trying to figure out how the legal system will handle a case involving time travel. Will the suspect be tried in a '90s court, complete with grunge fashion and dial-up internet? Only time will tell.

As the story unfolds, one thing is for certain: Tupac Shakur's murder investigation has taken an unexpected turn, thrusting us into a bizarre intersection of crime, time travel, and hip-hop history. The '90s are calling, and they want their unsolved mysteries back.

29/09/2023

Touchdowns and Tackles: NFL and XFL Merge to Create Xtreme Football League

In a move that shocked sports fans and left many wondering if they accidentally entered an alternate reality, the NFL and XFL have announced a merger to form the Xtreme Football League (XFL-NFL, because why not add a dash for extra flair?). Finally, the world will witness the collision of the No Fun League and the league that brought us "He Hate Me."

The press conference, held in a stadium adorned with oversized foam fingers in various stages of deflation, saw executives from both leagues expressing their excitement about this groundbreaking merger.

Roger Goodell, the NFL Commissioner, grinned like a kid who just found out recess was extended indefinitely. "This is a historic moment for football. We've decided to embrace our wild side, break a few rules, and let the players have some fun. It's time for the NFL to loosen its tie and put on a party hat!"

Vince McMahon, the visionary behind the XFL, stood beside Goodell, his trademark bravado on full display. "We've injected the NFL with a dose of XFL swagger. Get ready for more fireworks, more drama, and definitely more questionable team names!"

Yes, you read that right. Team names are expected to reach new levels of absurdity. Forget about animals and birds – the Xtreme Football League will feature teams with names like the Cybernetic Unicorns, the Quantum Quasars, and the Enigmatic Emojis.

The halftime shows promise to be as entertaining as the games themselves. Instead of the usual marching bands, fans can look forward to holographic halftime performances by AI-generated musicians and interpretive dance routines featuring retired football players dressed as intergalactic superheroes.

Rule changes are also in the pipeline. In the spirit of extreme innovation, the XFL-NFL will introduce the "Super-Duper Extra-Point," where teams can attempt a field goal from midfield while blindfolded. If successful, they get double points, and the kicker earns the right to update their resume with "Master of the Blind Boot."

But what about the controversial replay reviews? Fear not, as the XFL-NFL introduces "Fan Vetoes." If the majority of fans in the stadium don't like a referee's call, they can collectively vote to overturn it using the XFL-NFL app. Democracy has never been this entertaining.

While traditionalists may be clutching their helmets in disbelief, the Xtreme Football League is ready to redefine what it means to be a football fan. Get ready for a new era of touchdowns, tackles, and a whole lot of Xtreme excitement – because in the XFL-NFL, there's no such thing as too much.

29/09/2023

Touchdowns and Tackles: NFL and XFL Merge to Create Xtreme Football League

29/09/2023

Ukraine's Drones Take War to a Whole New Level: Mother Russia's Backyard BBQ Interrupted

In a stunning display of technological prowess and cheeky ingenuity, Ukraine's drone warfare strategy has reportedly brought the war right to 'Mother Russia's' doorstep. Forget about the traditional boundaries of conflict; Ukraine's drones have decided it's time to make war a backyard affair.

Reports from the frontlines suggest that Ukrainian drones, armed with both explosives and a wicked sense of humor, have been swooping over Russian cities, turning the usual serene Russian evenings into unexpected firework displays. One unsuspecting babushka in Moscow commented, "I thought it was just a particularly aggressive swarm of mosquitoes until my laundry line went up in flames."

Ukraine's drone offensive seems to be capitalizing on the element of surprise, catching Russians off guard as they tend to their gardens and sip on their favorite herbal teas. "It's like a military parade, but with more explosions and less warning," remarked a bewildered Russian citizen.

The Ukrainian military, not content with traditional conflict zones, has apparently decided to spice things up by taking the battle to where it hurts the most: Russian comfort zones. "If they want war, we'll give them war – right in their backyards," quipped a Ukrainian general, chuckling as he watched drone footage of a Russian book club scattering in panic.

The drones, adorned with Ukrainian flags and catchy slogans like "Peace, Love, and Explosions," have become unlikely heroes in the eyes of many Ukrainians. One drone operator, who goes by the pseudonym "Captain Kaboom," claimed, "We wanted to bring a touch of the avant-garde to modern warfare. It's not every day you get to bomb a city while simultaneously hosting an impromptu air show."

Russian authorities, caught off guard by the audacity of the drone campaign, have responded with a mix of confusion and frustration. The Kremlin issued a statement expressing mild annoyance at having their morning yoga sessions disrupted by unexpected air raids.

Social media has erupted with a mix of memes and confused reactions, with one Russian netizen posting, "When you order a drone strike, but they include fireworks for free. Thanks, Ukraine!" Another wrote, "I just wanted to enjoy my borscht in peace."

While the world watches this unconventional drone war unfold, one thing is clear: Ukraine has taken the phrase "bringing the war home" quite literally, turning Russia's serene suburbs into an unexpected theater of explosions, surprises, and maybe a touch of pyrotechnic diplomacy.

29/09/2023

Elon Musk Announces Bold Plan to Solve Border Crisis: Sending Tesla Cybertrucks to Build Giant Solar-Powered Wall

In a surprising turn of events, tech mogul Elon Musk has decided to take matters into his own hands and address the border crisis himself. Musk, known for his ambitious projects and eccentric solutions, recently announced his intention to travel to the border and personally expose the alleged crisis that has been making headlines.

In a tweet that sent shockwaves through social media, Musk declared, "Heading to the border to see what all the fuss is about. I've got some ideas that could fix this mess once and for all. Stay tuned."

True to his word, Musk arrived at the border in a convoy of Tesla Cybertrucks, each equipped with flamethrowers, solar panels, and a state-of-the-art autopilot system. As he stepped out of his Cybertruck wearing a SpaceX-branded cowboy hat and a pair of futuristic sunglasses, Musk addressed the gathered crowd of onlookers and media.

"I've been studying the border crisis, and it's clear that we need a revolutionary solution," Musk declared, gesturing dramatically toward the horizon. "And what better way to solve a crisis than with innovation?"

Musk's grand plan involves building a massive, solar-powered wall along the entire border. The wall, according to Musk, will not only keep out unwanted visitors but will also generate clean energy to power nearby communities. The flamethrowers, he explained, are just an added bonus for dealing with any potential invaders.

Critics were quick to point out the impracticality of Musk's plan, with many questioning the need for a solar-powered wall in the first place. Musk, however, remained undeterred.

"We're not just building a wall; we're building a technological marvel that will be talked about for centuries," Musk proclaimed. "This wall will be so smart, it'll have its own Twitter account."

As construction began, Musk's fleet of Cybertrucks deployed drones to survey the area, while the flamethrowers were used to clear any obstacles in the wall's path. The eccentric billionaire even took a hands-on approach, personally driving one of the Cybertrucks and tweeting updates about the project in real-time.

Twitter users were quick to respond with a mix of amusement and skepticism, with one user writing, "Elon Musk is the hero we never knew we needed, building walls with flamethrowers and tweeting about it in a cowboy hat."

As the wall continued to take shape, some locals expressed concern about the environmental impact and questioned whether a solar-powered wall was the best use of resources. Musk, in response, assured everyone that the wall would be made from recycled materials and powered by the sun, making it the most eco-friendly barrier in history.

Only time will tell whether Musk's border wall will be the solution the world never knew it needed or just another ambitious project that goes up in flames. Either way, one thing is for certain: Elon Musk's eccentricity knows no bounds, and the border crisis may never be the same again.

29/09/2023

"Presidential Debate Breaks World Record for Most Times the Word 'Absolutely' Was Uttered in 90 Minutes"

In an astonishing display of linguistic prowess, the presidential debate held on September 27th shattered all previous records for the excessive use of the word "absolutely." While some anticipated a clash of ideas and a battle of wits, what transpired was a linguistic gymnastics competition where the real winner was the word "absolutely."

The candidates, in an apparent attempt to out-absolutely each other, spared no effort in incorporating the word into every sentence, often rendering their statements absolutely incomprehensible. Moderator, baffled by the absoluteness of it all, found themselves caught in a linguistic whirlwind, desperately trying to steer the debate towards topics that didn't involve absolute certainty.

The opening statements were nothing short of absolute masterpieces. Candidate A began with an absolute declaration: "I absolutely believe in the absolute power of the people." Candidate B, not to be outdone, responded with an absolute commitment: "Absolutely, my fellow citizens, I absolutely promise absolute change for an absolutely better future."

As the debate progressed, the candidates seamlessly integrated "absolutely" into discussions on healthcare, foreign policy, and even the moderator's choice of tie. Analysts predict a surge in the sales of thesauruses as viewers attempted to find synonyms for "absolutely" to make sense of the discourse.

The pinnacle of the debate came during a heated exchange on the economy. Candidate A, pointing emphatically, declared, "Absolutely, we need an absolutely robust economy with absolutely unprecedented growth." Candidate B countered with, "Absolutely not! We need absolutely sustainable development and absolutely equitable distribution of wealth."

Fact-checkers were left scratching their heads, unsure if any actual policy positions were presented amid the absolute word salad. Meanwhile, social media exploded with memes and drinking games centered around taking a shot every time a candidate said "absolutely." Emergency rooms across the nation reported a spike in admissions due to alcohol poisoning.

In a post-debate press conference, the candidates were asked about the strategic use of the word "absolutely." Candidate A responded, "Absolutely, it's the absolute truth. I absolutely believe in the power of absolutes." Candidate B, nodding vigorously, added, "Absolutely! In a world of uncertainties, it's absolutely reassuring to be absolutely certain about certain things, absolutely."

As the nation collectively recovers from the linguistic onslaught, one thing is absolutely certain: the presidential debate of September 27th will go down in history as an absolute masterclass in the art of absolute rhetoric. Absolutely unprecedented, absolutely unforgettable, and absolutely a headache for the English language.

29/09/2023

In a bizarre twist of fate, the United States Congress is facing an imminent government shutdown, and the culprit behind the chaos is none other than an unexpected infestation of termites. With less than three days remaining to pass a spending bill, lawmakers are scurrying to find a solution to this unforeseen pest problem that threatens to bring the government to a halt.

The termite invasion, which is said to have originated from the historic Capitol Building, has taken Congress by surprise. Experts believe that the termites, with a taste for bureaucracy, have been silently gnawing their way through important documents and legislative texts, leaving behind a trail of destruction.

"I never thought I'd see the day when termites could bring the government to its knees," remarked Senator Jane Sawyer, visibly distressed as she inspected the damage to her office. "We have budgetary issues, political disagreements, and now, termites? It's like a perfect storm of dysfunction."

The urgency to address the termite crisis is palpable on Capitol Hill, with pest control experts working around the clock to contain the infestation. However, the clock is ticking, and with crucial spending deadlines looming, lawmakers are feeling the pressure.

House Speaker John Carpenter, not one to shy away from a good pun, quipped, "It seems we have some 'termite-ble' issues to address. We can't let these pests nibble away at the foundations of our government."

As Congress rushes to pass a spending bill, there are growing concerns about the potential impact of a government shutdown. Essential services, federal employees, and various government programs are at risk of being furloughed or disrupted. The termites, blissfully unaware of the political havoc they've caused, continue their feast on the hallowed halls of democracy.

Political analysts are struggling to make sense of this unprecedented situation. "It's not every day that you see insects playing a role in legislative drama," remarked Dr. Entomologica, an expert in insect behavior. "Perhaps termites are just trying to make their mark on history, one nibble at a time."

In the midst of the chaos, some legislators are proposing creative solutions. Senator Alex Exterminatus suggested drafting a bipartisan bill to fund an emergency "Termite Task Force" to address the immediate threat. Others are debating the merits of introducing a "No-Bite Left Behind" policy to ensure the protection of crucial legislative documents.

With the deadline fast approaching, Americans are left on edge, anxiously waiting to see whether Congress can overcome this unexpected hurdle and prevent a government shutdown caused by the unlikeliest of adversaries – termites with a taste for bureaucracy. One thing is for certain: this is a chapter in American politics that won't be forgotten anytime soon, leaving citizens to ponder the age-old question – who would have thought that termites could be such formidable opponents in the game of government?

29/09/2023

BREAKING NEWS: In an astonishing turn of events, legendary Teamsters leader Jimmy Hoffa has been discovered alive and well, sipping on a Slurpee at a local 7-Eleven. The convenience store, best known for its late-night snacks and questionable hot dogs, is now the site of one of the greatest mysteries of the 20th century – or so we thought.

Hoffa, who vanished mysteriously in 1975, was reportedly hiding in plain sight, right next to the beef jerky and lottery tickets. Witnesses say they spotted him in the beverage aisle, debating between a Big Gulp and a more modest medium-sized drink.

"I couldn't believe my eyes," said one customer, who mistook Hoffa for just another guy in a trucker hat. "I thought he was in the Witness Protection Program or something. Turns out, he just really likes Slurpees."

The 7-Eleven surveillance footage shows Hoffa nonchalantly perusing the snack section, apparently unfazed by the decades of speculation surrounding his disappearance. Authorities are now scrambling to figure out how they missed him all these years.

"It's embarrassing, to be honest," said Detective Richard Scoop, head of the special Hoffa Task Force. "We were looking in all the wrong places – old warehouses, buried in concrete, you name it. Who would have thought he was just grabbing a late-night snack this whole time?"

The store's cashier, Cindy Patel, admitted she had no idea who Hoffa was until someone pointed it out.

"I just thought he was a regular customer," Patel said. "I mean, we get all kinds in here. I didn't know he was a historical figure or anything. I just hope he cleans up that Slurpee spill near the cash register before he leaves."

As news spread, conspiracy theorists were left in shock. Theorist-in-chief, Alex Nutter Jones, commented, "I can't believe it! The Illuminati, the lizard people, and the aliens – they're all involved in this! They orchestrated Hoffa's disappearance to distract us from the fact that 7-Eleven is secretly controlling the world!"

Meanwhile, the nation is abuzz with speculation about Hoffa's choice of Slurpee flavor. Some argue he went for a classic Coke, while others believe he's more of a Mountain Dew kind of guy. The convenience store chain is already considering a marketing campaign around the tagline, "Even Hoffa couldn't resist our Slurpees!"

In a press conference, Hoffa finally broke his silence, saying, "I just needed a break, you know? The Teamsters, the unions, it was all getting a bit much. Sometimes a man just needs a Slurpee and a bag of chips. Is that too much to ask?"

And so, the mystery of Jimmy Hoffa's disappearance has been solved, not with a bang, but with the quiet hum of a Slurpee machine. Who knew that the key to finding one of the most elusive figures in American history was hidden in the aisles of a 7-Eleven all along? In an astonishing turn of events, legendary Teamsters leader Jimmy Hoffa has been discovered alive and well, sipping on a Slurpee at a local 7-Eleven. The convenience store, best known for its late-night snacks and questionable hot dogs, is now the site of one of the greatest mysteries of the 20th century – or so we thought.

Hoffa, who vanished mysteriously in 1975, was reportedly hiding in plain sight, right next to the beef jerky and lottery tickets. Witnesses say they spotted him in the beverage aisle, debating between a Big Gulp and a more modest medium-sized drink.

"I couldn't believe my eyes," said one customer, who mistook Hoffa for just another guy in a trucker hat. "I thought he was in the Witness Protection Program or something. Turns out, he just really likes Slurpees."

The 7-Eleven surveillance footage shows Hoffa nonchalantly perusing the snack section, apparently unfazed by the decades of speculation surrounding his disappearance. Authorities are now scrambling to figure out how they missed him all these years.

"It's embarrassing, to be honest," said Detective Richard Scoop, head of the special Hoffa Task Force. "We were looking in all the wrong places – old warehouses, buried in concrete, you name it. Who would have thought he was just grabbing a late-night snack this whole time?"

The store's cashier, Cindy Patel, admitted she had no idea who Hoffa was until someone pointed it out.

"I just thought he was a regular customer," Patel said. "I mean, we get all kinds in here. I didn't know he was a historical figure or anything. I just hope he cleans up that Slurpee spill near the cash register before he leaves."

As news spread, conspiracy theorists were left in shock. Theorist-in-chief, Alex Nutter Jones, commented, "I can't believe it! The Illuminati, the lizard people, and the aliens – they're all involved in this! They orchestrated Hoffa's disappearance to distract us from the fact that 7-Eleven is secretly controlling the world!"

Meanwhile, the nation is abuzz with speculation about Hoffa's choice of Slurpee flavor. Some argue he went for a classic Coke, while others believe he's more of a Mountain Dew kind of guy. The convenience store chain is already considering a marketing campaign around the tagline, "Even Hoffa couldn't resist our Slurpees!"

In a press conference, Hoffa finally broke his silence, saying, "I just needed a break, you know? The Teamsters, the unions, it was all getting a bit much. Sometimes a man just needs a Slurpee and a bag of chips. Is that too much to ask?"

And so, the mystery of Jimmy Hoffa's disappearance has been solved, not with a bang, but with the quiet hum of a Slurpee machine. Who knew that the key to finding one of the most elusive figures in American history was hidden in the aisles of a 7-Eleven all along?

27/09/2023

Feral Action News - Commander Bites Again: Biden's Dog Has Nipped Another Secret Service Officer

In a shocking turn of events at the White House, Commander, President Joe Biden's German Shepherd, has once again taken a bite out of the Secret Service's reputation. It seems that Commander has a particular taste for Secret Service officers, as this is not the first time he has chomped down on one of them. Is Commander merely asserting his dominance, or is he just trying to keep the Secret Service on their toes?

The latest incident occurred during a routine morning walk on the White House lawn. As Commander and the President strolled, enjoying the crisp D.C. air, the dog suddenly lunged at a nearby Secret Service officer. The officer, no doubt taken aback by the unprovoked attack, suffered a minor nip on the leg. Commander's bite may not have been lethal, but it was undoubtedly symbolic. Could it be that Commander is trying to send a message to the Secret Service? Is this his way of saying, "I'm in charge here"?

White House officials were quick to downplay the incident, calling it a "misunderstanding" and "playful behavior." They assured the public that Commander was just "excitable" and that he meant no harm. But let's not forget that this isn't the first time Commander has shown his teeth to the Secret Service. It seems like there's a pattern emerging here, and it's not one that bodes well for the men and women tasked with protecting the President.

One can't help but wonder if Commander's behavior is a reflection of the political climate in Washington. Could it be that even the First Dog is feeling the tension and division in the nation's capital? Perhaps Commander is trying to take a bite out of the establishment, quite literally, and assert his canine authority in the White House.

Or maybe, just maybe, Commander is simply tired of being overshadowed by his more famous predecessor, Bo Obama. Bo, with his charming looks and calm demeanor, set a high bar for presidential pets. It's possible that Commander is feeling the pressure to live up to Bo's legacy and has decided that biting Secret Service officers is the way to do it.

In any case, this latest incident with Commander raises some serious questions. Is the White House doing enough to train and discipline its four-legged resident? Should the Secret Service be worried about their safety, or should they simply carry around a stash of dog treats to appease Commander when he gets hungry for some human flesh?

In the end, only time will tell if Commander's biting tendencies will become a lasting legacy of the Biden administration. Until then, we can only hope that the Secret Service officers assigned to protect the President will invest in some thick, bite-proof pants and keep a safe distance from the First Dog. After all, you never know when Commander might decide to take another nibble out of the nation's security.

27/09/2023

Feral Action News Survey Reveals 1 in 4 Americans Eagerly Awaits the Latest COVID-19 Vaccine Update: The 'Variant Edition'

In an astonishing turn of events, a recent survey has revealed that a whopping 25% of American adults are clamoring for the latest and greatest in COVID-19 vaccines. Forget the old classics like Pfizer and Moderna; these folks are eagerly anticipating the release of the "Variant Edition" of the COVID-19 vaccine.

Yes, you read that right. We've gone from "I'll get vaccinated when it's my turn" to "I'll get vaccinated when it's my variant." It appears that a significant portion of the population is no longer content with the current roster of vaccines and is eagerly awaiting the opportunity to be immunized against the most up-to-date version of the virus.

The survey, conducted by the Institute of Bizarre Vaccine Preferences, interviewed a random sample of Americans who were inexplicably enthusiastic about the idea of a vaccine that adapts to every new strain of the virus. The respondents were asked what features they expected from the "Variant Edition," and their responses were nothing short of imaginative.

One respondent commented, "I want my vaccine to come in different flavors, like 'Tropical Breeze' for the summer months and 'Pumpkin Spice' for the fall. It should also have glittery packaging to make it more appealing."

Another participant added, "I'm hoping for a vaccine that can automatically update itself, just like my smartphone. It should also be able to order takeout and do my taxes."

One can only imagine the disappointment of these eager vaccine enthusiasts when they realize that vaccines don't come in flavors or perform household chores.

Dr. Elmer Quackenbush, an immunologist and head of the Institute of Bizarre Vaccine Preferences, tried to make sense of these peculiar findings. "It's clear that some Americans have developed a taste for novelty in their vaccine choices. They're looking for a vaccine that's as trendy as the latest iPhone or fashion accessory. Unfortunately, vaccines don't work that way."

Meanwhile, in a surprising twist, a small but vocal minority of respondents expressed interest in a vaccine subscription service. "I think we should have a monthly subscription for vaccines," one respondent suggested. "That way, we can get new variants delivered to our doorstep like clockwork."

Dr. Quackenbush responded to this idea by saying, "Vaccines are not a subscription service like Netflix or Disney+. We're not dealing with a streaming war between 'COVID-19 Plus' and 'COVID-20 Max.'"

As the survey results continue to baffle experts and amuse the rest of us, one thing is clear: the American obsession with the latest and greatest has reached new heights, even in the realm of vaccines. Whether they're expecting a "Variant Edition" that changes with the seasons or a vaccine that moonlights as a personal assistant, it seems some folks will stop at nothing to stay on the cutting edge of pandemic protection.

In the end, we can only hope that these ambitious vaccine dreams don't overshadow the importance of getting vaccinated with the vaccines we already have, which have been proven to be highly effective in preventing severe illness and saving lives. Remember, folks, it's not about the flavor; it's about the science.

Feral Action News

29/09/2023

29/09/2023

29/09/2023

29/09/2023

29/09/2023

29/09/2023

29/09/2023

29/09/2023

29/09/2023

27/09/2023

27/09/2023

Address

Website

Alerts

Shortcuts

Share