29/03/2025
Snow White (2025)
D+
I didn’t like it.
I’ve been pouring over this one to understand why. So I checked my privilege and really examined what my beef was with this show. (There’s a lot)
Simply put, it’s not Snow White.
I usually don’t talk about specifics because “No Spoilers”, right, but this one needs all the context I can muster. But honestly…there was nothing to spoil.
=SPOILERS AHEAD=
Had this movie been called Dumpling Bess, this review would have been a bit kinder because I would only be commenting on the awful storytelling and could have disregarded the original, letting it stand on its own. Still terrible, but at least it would not have had any expectations on it.
I’m fighting the urge to detail everything or just stick to the broad strokes. We’ll see how it goes:
90 seconds in and the lore was fundamentally changed.
Snow White was born in a snowstorm. That’s why the name.
Okay. Then we introduce the kingdom, also new. Then we introduce the governing system for some reason, but it makes no sense. It’s literally a kingdom, but the serfs “own the production of their labor”…okay, this is a fantasy after all. The plot points in the original movie are a little thin, so sure, let’s throw in some extra scenes and why not re-use the “provincial life” scene from Beauty and the Beast.
Then we get the new tradition of the apple pie festival. I mean, that Apple later doesn’t come from nowhere, right?!
Since both parents die before the animation starts in the original, this is all new. Anyway, mom gets sick and dies. Turns out this is the most emotionally charged moment of the movie and it lasts all of 5 seconds.
Dad remarries and now we have the new Queen. She starts warning about dangers at the border and militarizes the kingdom. (Read: unwanted political tie-in) Dad goes off to fight some foe and doesn’t come back and now it’s just the Queen and Bess…err, Snow White. The Queen drafts half the kingdom to be guards. Here Disney wasn’t as diverse, because they only took the men-folk.
Here’s a really strange thing:
The Queen is vain, (we knew that) but now her literal beauty is a political philosophy that they go all in on. It’s literally what she thinks she needs to run the kingdom, physical beauty!
Snow White is relegated to the role of skullery maid and the kingdom (that was invented for the film) kinda forgets her.
She then sings “Waiting on a Wish”. This is a good song and the actresss sings it very well, but it replaces “Someday My Prince Will Come”. This is not a girl-power movie. It’s Snow White! It wasn’t ment to be and doesn’t need to be. Regardless, I mean, it could have been, but it isn’t because she literally does nothing.
Shortly thereafter, we get more philosophy when we meet the Thief.
Now we have a taste of Les Mis thrown in, stealing is okay if you’re hungry, but dude (and everyone else) seems to be eating just fine.
Anyway, here is one of the only significant similarities between this and the original: The Magic Mirror recognizes Snow White as being more “fair” AFTER meeting the boy. Different reasons, but same meaning: Beauty comes from within.
The jealous Queen has the Huntsman kill her, but he lets her go. She seems to be pretty accepting of her death, even offering her bare neck.
Dude doesn’t do it, but he doesn’t bring back a heart for some reason…he brings back a stupid 🍎 apple! What the hell? He doesn’t bring back a pig heart or anything. He’s so noble that he walks back to his certain death?
So stupid.
Then we see the Dwarves’ house. She goes in and immediately goes to bed. The dwarves apparently work in the vaults of Gringotts and have glowing hands? (What is that about?)
When they get home, they find Snow White who makes them clean the house and they immediately decide she’s got to go. They kick her out in the morning and they go about their lives. The entire encounter equates to a bed for the night.
Queen sends her guards to the forest to find/kill her. She runs into the thief and his gang who claim to be resistance fighters loyal to the true King. So new plot point: The King may be alive in exile or something, although they drop that later and admit the Queen had him killed somehow…completely inconsequential.
The “fighters” are actually just failed musicians. There are 7 of these folks. These were the folks Disney put in to replace the Dwarves, but because of the public outcry, they re-introduced the Dwarves. Rather than replace the band of thieves, they shoehorned the Dwarves into the mix, but made them completely irrelevant. These other folks are also all but irrelevant as well.
Anyway, one of the fighters/musicians is a dwarf, but not THAT kind of dwarf. He is also “Master of the crossbow”. You know this because he repeats it at least 3 times! No one else gets more than 3 lines.
There’s a fight with the guards and the thief takes a crossbow bolt for Snow White (Because he loves her?) and she takes him to Doc the Dwarf to get fixed up. Of course, Doc is not THAT kind of doc. There is a stupid “I’m sorry, I did everything I could.” sad moment with a mid-sentence “Yo, I’m good! Totally NOT dead” reveal from the patient.
Then there’s a song number where they saved a lot of money by not having the other characters in the shots.
The Queen finally decides to be “fairest” by becoming ugly and doing the whole poison 🍎 apple thing. This time it’s literal.
The way the Queen/hag presents the apple is so stupid. “I know you’re looking for your dad. Take this for your journey and also eat it right now.” Stupid.
Queen goes home. Dwarves do nothing about it. They don’t chase down the Queen until she dies like the original, they just get her some flowers. No glass coffin, btw.
So Snow White is “dead” for roughly 2 hours when the Thief returns and kisses the dead body. At least that part was equally weird, but hey, closure right?
Now it’s time to take the kingdom back.
Snow White enters the kingdom in a red riding hood. Coming through the gates like Jesus. My wife even commented “Where’s the ass?”.
So the villagers (Basically all women, because the men are guards) who had forgotten her, now remember her and march without weapons to face certain death at the hands of the Queen’s guards. The Captain of the guards you’ll know well because he’s been murderously hunting her for half the movie, is there looking menacing.
The Queen comes out and orders her death again. That doesn’t happen for the most unlikely reason (and why didn’t that happen sooner?!) so the Queen decides to kill Snow White herself after a rousing song number. Snow White again offers up her neck without resistance.
At just the right moment, Deus ex machina happens, but the Queen is still alive!
More nonsense and the Mirror finally deals with the Queen.
Then they bake apples and they try to make D***y poignant and wise.
The end.
This girl-power version has her fighting for her rightful kingdom, but she literally never does. It has her being independent and not needing a “Prince” to come save her, but the Huntsman spares her, the Thief literally takes an arrow for her AND is “true love’s first kiss”, and then another dude literally saves her life at the end.
She does nothing but walk around and hope things go right, but offers to die gallantly when things go south. She didn’t end the Queen.
She didn’t do anything!
The Dwarves were basically irrelevant. They tried to make D***y the poignant little cherry on top of the movie and they telegraphed the moment almost immediately after introducing him. I hate the “Silent Bob” trope. It worked a couple times until it became stale and predictable.
Snow White is not a girl-power movie and it didn’t need to be. It said that love made you more beautiful. That was point.
This movie could have been something. It could have been a REAL girl-power film that inspires. Young girls could have had posters of their new Disney Princess: The wise and brave Dumpling Bess, but no.
Instead, Disney ruined Snow White.
For the record, this WAS for the broad strokes!
