The Daily Newt

07/02/2020

07/08/2019

The Daily Newt will be going on an indefinite hiatus, for really reals this time. Writing is hard, and hosting costs are expensive, so this newt is going underground. It reserves the right to re-emerge and disgust you at the most horrifying moment possible.

Satirical news website focusing on technology, science, and politics.

05/07/2019

"Asked by Twitter users if he was at all concerned that Cage had been dead for over 30 years, Krasinski stated he didn’t see it being a major problem."

The 2018 horror-thriller film A Quiet Place – co-written, directed, and starring John Krasinski – will be turned into a stage musical with a score by John Cage.

25/01/2019

“I looked at my dashboard and I thought to myself: ‘Fixing a headlight, who has time for that?’"

Drivers were impressed and appreciative this week when a local woman solved the problem of her car’s one broken headlight by turning the remaining light to high beam.

13/01/2019

BREAKING: Chooseco LLC announces new line of "Choose Your Own Lawsuit" novels designed to teach children about copyright maximalism.

13/01/2019

“I’m all for these new members speaking their truth, I just rather hoped it would be identical to my truth.”

The Democratic Caucus is eager to welcome the youngest congresswomen to the House just so long as they “don’t rock the boat too much”.

26/12/2018

“It’s good to be able let go. There’s almost a sense of relief, like finally confessing to a murder, you know?”

Marlene Godfrey decided to end her self-imposed delusion that the plot of Infinity War hadn’t already been spoiled for her a dozen times via Facebook.

26/12/2018

Merry Christmas – Accessory charges against all of you and yours are forthcoming.

U.S. officials announced today that they had arrested a Canadian man for smuggling millions of dollars worth of undeclared goods.

18/12/2018

"More than anything it just goes to show that we’re becoming less and less of a democracy every day..."

Former mayoral candidate Tret Silver is accusing voters of stifling his free speech by not electing him.

30/11/2018

The vulnerability – dubbed "GobJam" – is caused by a buffer overflow of bad analogies.

Panic gripped the technology industry today as TLS 1.2 encryption was compromised by a politician’s half-baked analogy.

16/11/2018

All escalators in Vancouver have mysteriously failed after the sudden death of noted escalator mogul Cornelius Georg Escalé

Every escalator in Vancouver has ground to a screeching halt after the death of noted escalator mogul Cornelius Escalé.

14/11/2018

Language 👏 is 👏 constantly 👏 Evolving!

A 👏 study 👏 by 👏 SFU 👏 has 👏 shown 👏 that 👏 readers 👏 are 👏 more 👏 likely 👏 to 👏 notice 👏 an 👏 article 👏 if 👏 clapping 👏 emojis 👏 were 👏 placed 👏 between 👏 every 👏 other 👏 word.

09/10/2018

A Kingston resident faced one of the most perplexing and baffling moments of his life when he was forced to do some basic sorting of his household waste for his city’s recycling program.

05/09/2018

The situation was further compounded when two persons accidentally tried to enter and exit through the door simultaneously, resulting in an infinite loop of coaxing pleasantries.

A lengthy, awkward queue developed when visitors to a downtown office building seemed oblivious to the fact that said building has more than one set of doors.

31/08/2018

"You ***holes are going to build my ***ing pipeline or I'm gonna blow this guy's mantle right out of his crust!"

Police are on the scene at the Alberta Legislature after Rachel Notley took planet Earth hostage.

30/08/2018

The Cash Furnace is expected to produce power until October of 2019, after which time the Prime Minister is sure everything will be fine somehow.

The Liberal Government has announced their national energy strategy: the combustion of $4.5 billion dollars in an industrial furnace. 

30/08/2018

"This must be how the Apollo 11 team felt!"

Technicians achieved an engineering breakthrough at a SkyTrain station today when they were able run the escalators continuously for nearly 55 seconds – a new record.

29/08/2018

It's the most wonderful time of the year!

Fall is just around the corner, and with it, an annual autumn tradition: enjoying angry, social-media-buoyed think-pieces about pumpkin spice lattes.

23/08/2018

"The Bernier clones are now being distributed across the country to every one of Canada's 338 federal ridings, where they will remain in stasis before being activated in 2019."

Conservative MP Maxime Bernier today gave a press conference to announce his resignation from the Conservative Party of Canada, and the creation of a new federal political party made up exclusively of his own clones.

16/08/2018

A datasheet released by the province indicates that John A. Mechdonald is armed with concussion missiles, a magnetic railgun, and na**lm projectile vomit.

In a surprise announcement today, the government of Ontario unveiled a hitherto secret provincial megaproject. The so-called "John A. MechDonald" is a 100 metre-tall battle robot, fabricated in the likeness of Canada's first Prime Minister, John A. MacDo

14/08/2018

For those Vancouverites who are still going outside to light up a cigarette... isn't it kind of redundant at this point?

13/08/2018

The ISP has since apologized to Moncton resident Marc Dubot for installing fibre through him.

A Moncton man claims he awoke from a nap to an unpleasant surprise: a fibre-optic cable installed through his own torso.

08/08/2018

A crowd of obviously-stranded pedestrians were saved from limbo by a brazen, middle-aged man who knew how to correctly push the crosswalk button.

02/08/2018

Can you find the exact moment where we stopped caring what you thought of us? (HINT: It is this story)

The Brown Party of Ontario has swept into power, marking the first time an actual piece of s**t will become premier of a Canadian province.

01/08/2018

People on /r/Vancouver thought this was real – that is because it is a subreddit full of dummies.

But don't you WISH it was real?

Metro Vancouver transit operator TransLink today unveiled the new voice of the SkyTrain rapid transit system announcements: YouTube star Ze Frank using his "True Facts" voice.

31/07/2018

In the end, Ontario man chose the fire.

An Ontario man faced a dire dilemma this weekend when we found himself trapped between a raging wildfire fire and jumping into a lake: two choices which he considered equally bad.

30/07/2018

I wrote a Canadian pipeline politics joke mixed up with classic Star Trek: The Next Generation lore and was surprised when hardly anyone got the joke.

This is why I fail.

Following their 2018 national convention, the Liberal Party of Canada today announced their new party leader and candidate for Prime Minister in the upcoming 2019 federal election: Gushin Crudea

29/07/2018

The pipeline has since been diverted directly into my mouth.

Rachel Notley's NDP government today announced its intention to block construction of the Trans-Mission Hill pipeline, which would carry wine extracted from B.C.'s Okanagan region into the province of Alberta for processing.