Indo Gazette

06/08/2017

Indonesia Admits Batik Is Malaysian

Indonesia finally admits that batik is Malaysian.

The shock admission marks the end of lengthy and hard-fought legal battles between the two neighboring countries about the intellectual property rights of their cultural heritage.

The Indonesian legal team is still coming to terms with the defeat, but there is a sense of relief: “I’m tired of battling in court. I’m tired of lying. We have to be honest to ourselves,” said Adi, an Indonesian lawyer, “batik is not Indonesian. It never was. It’s a surprise that we’ve been able to market batik as distinctively Indonesian for so long on a global scale.

The Indonesian government has admitted that batik is Malaysian. The shock admission marks the end of lengthy and hard-fought legal battles between the two neighboring countries about the intellectu…

04/08/2017

The word bule will be replaced by the word Mister in the Indonesian dictionary, according to a press release issued by Indonesian language experts. They are also looking into words like orang asing and orang Barat as viable alternatives.

One expert, Andy, said: “Indonesians use the word bule in a harmless way and most foreigners understand that it is being used casually and not meant as an insult. But you know, bule is pronounced as boo!-leehh!, it really sounds like a bad word, don’t you think?” He added: “We’re replacing bule with Mister out of courtesy to the people who have voiced concerns over it being a bad word. We chose mister as a replacement, because, for example, in Bali, many Indonesian kids shout “Hey Mister!” to foreign tourists, both men and women. It’s very common.”

31/07/2017

Bule Word Replaced by Mister in Indonesian Dictionary

The word 'bule' will be replaced by 'Mister' in the Indonesian dictionary. What do you think?

Bule, an Indonesian slang term that describes people of Caucasian descent, is being replaced by the word Mister in the Indonesian dictionary.

30/07/2017

Proposed Transfer of Neymar Jr. to Palembang FC Falls Through

Breaking news: Barcelona forward Neymar Jr. will not move to Palembang FC.

Despite the high ambitions of the Sumatran football club, they have pulled out of negotiations due to confusion over the transfer amount.

“We had prepared a bid to FC Barcelona of 222 million,” said Palembang FC coach Fred Fauzi, “an amount that matches the player’s release clause.” The Brazilian star was expected to be a great fit at the club and revive their title hopes, he continues: “Neymar could play on the left flank, feeding the club’s strikers Ahmad and Suhadi. On the right we’d post our upcoming talent Iraman. Yes, NASI! It’s a shame he will not join us here in Palembang as a wong kito.”

Apparently, the reason for the deal collapsing was confusion over the transfer amount. Palembang FC’s gerenal manager Christian Agustiawan told us: “We made a bid of 222 million, an absolute steal for a player of Neymar’s calibre. However, Barcelona only wanted to deal in euros. I almost fainted when I did the math, 3.5 trillion Indonesian Rupiah, insane! I ran and took the first flight back home.”

Neymar’s agent declined to comment.

Barcelona forward Neymar Jr. will not move to Palembang FC. Despite the high ambitions of the Sumatran football club, they have pulled out of negotiations due to confusion over the transfer amount…

29/07/2017

The average Indonesian I.Q. has declined sharply over the last decade, experts attribute the worrying decline to the advent and popularity of smartphones. In fact, Indonesia is the only country in the world where smartphones have made the population dumber, not smarter.

The results from the latest national I.Q. test were published this morning. The publication was delayed by several months as experts needed to verify the results, but all experts agree and confirm that the Indonesian I.Q. is deteriorating. They point to smartphones as the culprit.

“I’m disappointed that Indonesians do not use these devices to their advantage and become smarter. All they do is play dumb games, read stupid gossip, and watch slapstick videos,” said Ms. Wibowo, a smartphone expert. She’s horrified: “If we don’t course correct and let the current trend continue, many Indonesians will have an I.Q. of 0 by 2030. That’s a big problem, Indonesia will lose its competitive edge.”

But, some also see positives in the trend. Professor Djamaluddin from the Institute of Technology and Robotics in Surabaya, said: “Think about it, the trend presents great opportunities. Indonesians were never really the smartest. It’s an opportunity for us as a nation to become less dependent on human intelligence, robots and other forms of artificial intelligence are the future of Indonesia!”

29/07/2017

Sumatran Villager Produces His Own Kopi Luwak

Bambang, a Pendopo villager who produces kopi luwak from his own poo, is expanding production to keep up with increased demand.

He told us that it all started about a year ago when a friend introduced him to kopi luwak—the world’s most expensive coffee, made from the excreted beans of the civet cat: “I thought it was delicious. However, I wouldn’t be able to afford it myself, it’s very expensive, you know.” He continues: “That’s when I came up with the idea to make my own kopi luwak. I would eat a couple of raw coffee berries and pick them from my own poo the next day. Then, I’d clean, roast, and grind the beans to make coffee. I think my poo coffee tastes better than kopi luwak. I also appreciate its rich, brown color.”

“The production does require skills,” according to Bambang, “you must have an eye for detail and be careful when separating the berries from the poo. The berries that burst during the digestive process are not good for human consumption. I’ve tasted them, they’re crap, trust me.”

Although it wasn’t the plan initially, Bambang has served his delicacy to guests: “I didn’t tell them, but they really loved my coffee. I explained it to them afterwards, but luckily they didn’t mind. Actually, I have more guests now who keep coming back for more.”

The problem Bambang currently faces, is to keep up with demand and increase production levels. “I eat a lot of fiber and papaya, but at best, I can produce only 1 or 2 cups per day.” He is now recruiting to expand production and keep up with increasing demand in his kampung. Several of his neighbors have already signed up, one of them said: “It’s a great way for me to make some extra money, doing something that I have to do anyway and would not get paid for otherwise.”

Bambang has already received orders from as far as Bengkulu and Padang, but he doesn’t plan to sit on his laurels: “It would be a dream to export my produce worldwide.”

Sumatran villager who produces budget-friendly kopi luwak from his own poo, is expanding production to keep up with increased demand.