18/06/2018
Great Fathers Day thoughts and words from Rabbi Jason Fenster on what Jewish Fatherhood means to him! Thanks Rabbi Jason for letting us share :-)
Who else feels compelled to build community around fatherhood and masculinity in the Jewish world and beyond?
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The baby is asleep. The bottles are washed. And I had some time to write some thoughts after my first Father’s Day. Warning! Long, preachy post to follow:
First, I recognize that Father’s Day is not without complications. Some want to be fathers but are unable. Some are not fathers and have no interest in being one to begin with. Some struggle with having lost a father. Some have difficult relationships with a father. Some might not feel connected to the gendered language of parenting. I see you. I hear you. And I’m here for you.
Second, as a father, a Jew, and an American citizen concerned with the moral character of our nation, I cannot ignore the news of migrant detention and the despicable policy of separating parents and children at the border, nor can we ignore the misinformation and disgraceful theology being peddled by this administration. I hope to share more thoughts on this in the coming days.
Third, four weeks post-paternity leave, I finally have some mental/emotional space to process the amazing, confusing, soul-filling, tank-emptying, sacred life cycle transition into parenthood.
While on paternity leave, I took Benjamin to CostCo to get the two most important staples in our house: formula and hummus. While strolling over to get a sample of a cracker, or pasta, or some new fiber bar, the person handing out what would be my CostCo lunch said: “Oh, how nice to see a dad babysitting!” My skin crawled. I wanted to shout, “I’m not babysitting. I’m parenting! I am taking care of my child. I am not engaged in some revolutionary, boundary breaking deed by being a person in a male body walking through CostCo with a baby.” Instead, I mumbled something unintelligible through the paper cup of my snack.
It seems that there is an expectation that dads are at best, aloof and uninformed, or, at worst, actively chauvinist, unhelpful, unkind, and emotionally unavailable. And, for those of us who are not (and I believe it is most of us), my impression is that there are not many places for dads to go for emotional support or space to process or learn about fatherhood.
On the one hand, at this moment in American life, men need to do a lot of tzimtzum (take up less space) and listen to the stories of women. And also, I feel like we are lacking in important conversations about fatherhood and masculinity. How do we build space where we can do both?
While on paternity leave, I found myself needing community and cohort in a similar life stage. Recognizing that my presence as a cis-gendered male might disrupt the nature of the space, whether it was to breastfeed during the class or to discuss the intimate challenges of post-pregnancy life, I was nervous to even walk in the door. Surely, I needed community and space to adjust to parenthood, but I did not want to make anyone else uncomfortable by my presence. In the groups I found, I was almost always the only man in the room and the women I met welcomed me in and were incredibly gracious. And I also felt like I was invading mommy space. Quite fairly, these women needed a space to talk about what was happening to their bodies and the new, psycho-emotional realities of parenthood.
This is NOT to say, “woe is the state of men in America.” We’ve heard enough of that noise. On the contrary. Thank goodness spaces exist for women. But the reality I found is that opportunities for dads who are present, emotionally available, and striving to be equal parents are lacking. Regardless of our sexual orientation or marital status, people with male bodies are also subjected to unfair expectations by a regressive, patriarchal system.
I also believe that men have a responsibility to utilize our privilege for the public good. If men are open and forthright about the blessings and difficulties of being parents and about their needs that we might be more effective in destigmatizing pregnancy, parenthood, and family leave in the workplace.
If I feel like I need dad-community and space to talk about fatherhood and masculinity in a world with a, thankfully, raised consciousness about feminism, other people might as well. And I find myself curious. Is this a needed conversation? Is this a conversation that should exist in male-space? Where have other people found space to think about being a father and about being people with male bodies who are not jerks? What do other dads (and all parents in general) feel like they need for new conversations about masculinity and parenting? What would make you want to show up and what would feel like “too much” or put up a barrier for you to walk in the door?
And. Who wants to build it with me?
